Is this the story or an outline of a story? If it is the former, then it is probably not strong enough and you need "more". For example, if you intend for what you have shared with us here to constitute the whole story, it needs more text and you could e.g. make it rhyme. That way it could be a story for very young children.
If you intend for this to be an outline of a story you have written and which is ready for submission, then you have not really given us "enough" to judge whether you need to fine-tune or whether you are "ready to go".
Should you make changes to this item based on these comments, then I am more than happy to review it again and hopefully give you a better rating
Just browsing a new genre "animals" that I've not been involved with much, and stumbled upon this item.
I have a couple of suggestions for you:
Based off of the popular children's tune
It is "based on" - "off of" is only really used in spoken language as it is gramatically incorrect.
"Do not sing that song." she said scornfully to her grand daughter.
This is one example but there are more of them in various places in your story: inconsistency in your speech quotation marks. Here, you use a full-stop after song hence " she" should be with a capital.
More correct, however, would be to replace the full-stop with a comma and keeping " she" in small cap.
"Hallo! I am the messanger of the Good Fairy.
The correct spelling is "messenger"
"That fact has been dully noted.
The correct spelling is "duly"
Foo Foo stood still through out the Fairy's wrath.
The correct spelling is "throughout"
Burraidh continued to wonder around the world.
The correct spelling is "wander"
The painful first few days after the break up of a relationship when we think our entire world has fallen apart and nothing will ever come close again. That's what this poem speaks of to me.
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
Some of the rhyming is out of place e.g. I sink at your misleading words
Wishing for some truth and desire.
In the 2nd stanza, the repetitious use of -ness words is unfortunate and makes the stanza seem a little bit forced. This may have to be reworded. If you move the words around a bit, a new possible wording may become apparent:
I slide from thought of nothingness Thoughs of nothingness inside my head
This poem has a sort of schizophrenic feel to it - At first I was going to say, no, the format doesn't work for me but after reading it a couple more times I realised you are presenting a 'This is what you see' vs 'This is who I am' which works really well.
General observations / suggestions:
I didn't notice any typos or grammar errors, and have no suggestions for improvement
A sweet if predictable at times poem about the babies whose dads are off fighting in the wars.
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I hear their sobs deep in the night.
I say a prayer for their dad and mom
I send my prayers with soldiers in fight,
but my heart belongs to babes who cry.
Perhaps you should add in the night after 'cry' to keep the rhyming format tight
Hello there
this is a truly beautiful poem of loss and longing, it definitely has universal appeal The rhyming is OK, some may accuse you of being cliche, and I guess there is nothing original in the rhyming but the rest of the poem holds it together really well.
I was just wondering about this line:
of which it's bliss I failed to reap
that sounds wrong somehow. How about, whose rewarding bliss I failed to reap
I found this item on the Request for Review page so here goes :
Overall comments:
Well, what can I say but I loved it!? The characters are 100% believable, the pace of the story is spot-on, you build it up perfectly, feeding little bits of information without flooding us and without a surprise ending that leaves us baffled, wondering Why did she do that?
You should be truly proud of this story!
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no suggestions for improvements.
Keep writing!
Smiles
Anne
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I found this item on the Request for Review page so here goes :
Overall comments:
Well, this is a rare find! Firstly, handling a subject matter to which I've seen no other poem here on WDC so far (not that I've been looking, I just haven't come across any!) and it is delivered superbly. You paint the picture and I smell of Cajun chicken lingers in my nostrils - brilliant
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
Keeping them pressed tight to their sides.
I wonder if that should be tightly
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no other suggestions for improvements.
Keep writing!
Smiles
Anne
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Just popped by to repay the favour of your review of my poem.
You really are beset by bad luck - poor you!
A couple of suggestions you might want to consider:
In this poem, I'm talikngtalking about all theethe times iI've been injured or hurt
Born to die before I came out theethewoundwomb
Grew up onduring or in hard times, that’s why I spit hard rhymes
Aged five, diabetic on a mission
Make pictures with no paint
You don't actually need paint to make pictures, also 'with no' should be without - how about: Create drawings without colour
On theethe street corner
Keep writing!
Smiles
Anne
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I found this item on the Request for Review page so here goes :
Overall comments:
This is a very thought-provoking essay you've got here. I'd never formulated my thoughts on 'Knowing' to the extent that you have here, however somewhere in the subconscience I have been aware. You are absolutely right in your observations on the different kinds of knowledge - intuitive or taught / learnt. The way I look at it is, if you have a heart failure that puzzles the experts - would you rather be on the Op table being worked on by the kind of person who went through Med school learing what had to be learnt in order to pass but has fine motor skills that can't be learnt (no less essential for the job), who is great at communicating and putting his patients and their relatives at ease, who is a great leader to the nurses working for him etc, or would you rather that your expert for the day is the one person who has little social skills, who will find it difficult to put into laymen's terms the complexities of the procedure he is about to undertake, and who - inspite of it being a rare case- is able to use logic in applying all his other knowledge to this case to get to the solution? The end result may be the same thing but the way in which the two experts get to the answer are entirely different.
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no suggestions for improvements.
Keep writing!
Smiles
Anne
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I found this item on the Request for Review page so here goes :
Overall comments:
I LOVE surprises and this one really did. Surprise me. The build up for something entirely different - I already had comments in my head about how I can relate (so that's another story! ) and then the surprise ending. Brilliant!
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no suggestions for improvements.
Keep writing!
Smiles
Anne
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I found this item on the Request for Review page so here goes :
Overall comments:
This poem describes the pain we feel when we lose the one we love, the refusal to see things their way, the realisation that all is not as it appeared and the brave face we put on to spare our surroundings of the true misery we feel inside - I like that
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I think I am no longer san sane
The future I can not see
I think I prefer cannot - somehow it looks better in a poem
My heatheart churns the further you go
Keep writing!
Smiles
Anne
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I found your port in the Poetry Ring adoption forum, thought I'd pop by and have a look.
You're quite right, forgetting someone you still care about is very hard, it seems impossible at times to let go, to think of a future without them. Even if, perhaps, with hindsight you think Pah, that wasn't so hard after all!
What I like about this poem:
The poem deals with the loss of a loved one, whether through separation or death is unclear and doesn't really matter. Sometimes when we separate from someone we love so deeply, it can feel like death anyway. I like the fact you leave that up to the individual reader to decide what it means to them. Because it deals with something we all know about, you have a potential wide audience.
Observations:
I think the first stanza starts off really well. The flow is steady and the rhyme is solid.
The second stanza throws me off balance: there seems to be a missing line?
The third stanza then, back to 4 lines but now the rhyming pattern is different from the first stanza.
The final stanza has an additional fifth line which again throws me off balance a bit.
The final line of the last stanza puzzles me as I am not sure what the 'fault' is meant to refer to. Has there been a murder? Or a drink/drive accident? That was my first thought.
The very last line that stands just on its own looks more like a description of the poem - the fact that letting go is hard to do is already conveyed in the poem itself.
I didn't notice any typos or spelling mistakes
Suggestions for improvement:
This poem would really benefit from a steady flow with a set pattern - four lines like the first stanza, rhymes on lines 2 and 4.
You may also wish to actually count the syllabels in each line e.g. at the moment, stanza One is a 4-4-4-5. This is ok, but whatever the pattern, I suggest you apply to the other stanzas, too.
From an aesthetical point of view, I would not capitalise the 'not' in the last stanza.
I'm more than happy to re-review this poem should you chose to edit it with some of the above points in mind. If you do edit the poem, please let me know so I can give you a higher rating as I think this poem has great potential if tightened up as suggested above.
Keep writing & please let me know when you post more items to your port, I'm more than happy to review those too
Popped by your port to repay the favour of your reviews yesterday, thought I’d have a lil’ rummage, see whatcha got here
Overall comments:
Wow! I had to read this one a couple of times, there is so much to take in. It occurred to me whilst reading it that perhaps there is two poems in here, really. One about 'Before....' and then one about 'Tell me what makes you wake up in the morning'.
I think what added to the confusion of what seemed like two separate poem were the indents. They may work if you do separate the poem but at the moment the page looked a bit how I imagine a page in a book must look like to someone who is dyslexic - words / letters all jumbled up.
My favourite part of the poem is the first stanza - it's the first time I've read the words 'sewage line' in a poem - when you then couple this image with the second stanza which adds to the image of rot and decay (I can almost smell it!) that's really great stuff.
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no suggestions for improvements. However, the indents - as mentioned - became tiring on the eyes.
I found this item on the Request for Review page so here goes :
Overall comments:
I don't know why but this reminded me - in a bizarre sort of way - of the song '50 ways to leave your lover' because this feels like 50 ways I love you makes me feel - I like that
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
For the most part, the rhyming is pretty solid baring just a couple of exceptions: me / happy and us / lust - they seem a bit forced to me.
In the last but one stanza you break the flow of the entire piece by breaking the 6-line pattern; this threw me off balance. I suggest adding that missing line to keep it consistent.
Hello there TheInstinctWithIn
I found this item on the Request for Review page so here goes:
Overall comments:
This poem, to me, feels a bit like mocking death - I guess that's the tinge of humour you managed to build in, very subtly.
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
Some of the lines are a bit tangled, breaking the flow of the poem. The just don't roll of the tongue that easily. I think this is mainly a case of switching the order of words around in the lines, or changing the lines, e.g:
Will death I defy?
I'm not sure about the order of the words - gramatically, it should be Will I defy death? of course, but even with poetic licence it doens't read well. To fix this you would also need to change the wording in the second line of that stanza as 'death' would no longer rhyme with 'try'.
I notice the deliberate repetitions of lines 2 and 4 in the first stanzas #1 and #3 - I am unsure if this works.
the reference to the Berlin wall seems dated and out of place; the wall did fall so if you're applying the Berlin wall today it's much more a case of 'prevail and it will fall'.
Gosh yes, that is quite something to have to go through as a kid. To think you can make a fresh start and yet somehow, it all stays the same and you can't escape the past.
I thought the ending was a bit out of tune with who she is portrayed to be; I think I expected her to want to die alone, not in front of everyone like that. I think there is something about bullying that makes people really rather withdrawn and introvert, unlikely to want to draw any additional attention to themselves. So I am not sure about the ending, in a way I think 'Good on her' (if you can say that about a suicide!) for showing everyone the result of her actions but a much larger part of me thinks that she really would either have done it while alone or actually not turned the gun on herself only but on the others first, then maybe on herself. Just a thought.
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
In your description, change occure to occur
You start off with a rhyming scheme which is then subsequently broken; this breaks the flow of the piece. I found myself re-reading the first part of the poem to make sure I hadn't perhaps missed a more subtle rhyming scheme.
I think you should replace the & which you use a few times throughout the piece with and
For me in some ways, this poem is begging to be rewritten as a short story. To get the feel of a poem, you would need to re-write large parts of it, paying close attention to metre, rhyme, flow etc and I'm sure you can end up with a truly powerful piece.
Hello there
I found this item on the Request for Review page so here goes:
Overall comments:
I'm in two minds about this poem. Having read it twice, I am not sure if they have separated and she's hoping he will return to her? Or are they still together but their relationship has changed to something she doesn't like and she wants things to return as they were before? As an outsider, I am tempted to think 'Walk away if he treats you like this' but of course it's not so easy when you are living it.
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I live in darkness, itsit's my only home
Long ago I had hope that my struggles had pastpassed
But he gave not of emotions,he knew not how to
This line breaks the flow of the poem. I wondered if it would maybe read better as:
He showed no emotions, knew not how to
He made me feel beneath him
Not deserving his love
What do I do now that I have lost my one true love
I'm not sure if this is intentional (if so, forgive me) but as a reader I immediately asked myself, how can she call him her 'one true love' if he treated her like that? It's not as if she is blinded & not realising that is how he treated her. Just a thought. Also, there is an extra line in this stanza which breaks the flow of the poem.
Do I lie at his feet and weep on the ground.{/}
replace full stop with ? as it is a direct question.
Hello there
I found this item on the Request for Review page so here goes:
Overall comments:
I am not sure why the 'room' analogy in fact reminded me of a current child abuse case that hit the headlines locally before Christmas. Reading the poem, I felt quite sad. On second reading it occurred to me that perhaps the 'room' could be anybody's personal demon, the thing that imprisons us in life. I like that
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no suggestions for improvements.
Keep writing!
Smiles
Anne
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/annemrc
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.31 seconds at 1:28am on May 03, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I slide from thought of nothingness
- At first I was going to say, no, the format doesn't work for me but after reading it a couple more times I realised you are presenting a 'This is what you see' vs 'This is who I am' which works really well.