Beauty is superficial. If we are judged by how we look, if others see only the surface, they will never get to know us. Your poem expresses this much more eloquently than I just did but that's what this poem is about for me, which is really summed up in the last line:
For you won’t find me in the mirror.
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no suggestions for improvements.
Sometimes it takes a novel or an entire library to, eventually, pin it down to feelings at their very core. This one does it in 13 lines. What is so powerful about these 13 lines is that really, the offender could be just about any one: your lover, a friend, a sibling, a parent, a co-worker, a stranger. Bitter words hurt but probably most from the people we care about. Great work!
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no suggestions for improvements.
This is a powerful poem, what adds to that power is the repetition of the should have, could have, would have but then making it dependant on the other person. We should / could / would all perhaps be someone, do something different if it were not for circumstances out of our control. And yet, rather than just blaming for me there is also a recognition that perhaps you failed yourself (I say you but really meaning the hero in your poem, for I guess it's not necessarily autobiographical!) because you were blinded by him. That, too, is rather powerful.
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I should have worked longer
I could have done more
I could have paid the rent
If you had not had to score
I guess the second could should have been would
Yup, still here - think I'm almost done, I am struggling to find items in your port I've not yet reviewed
Overall comments:
As I'm sure you will understand, this piece really touched me. Having been through the same thing, and having friends who have gone through that same agonising decision that somehow, regardless how much time passes, never becomes the 'right' one, means I can relate to this completely, but I think even those that haven't been in that position, or who themselves stand before the decision, can get some understanding from this letter. What upsets me when you see anti-abortion activist making the headlines with their banners and slogans, shouting abuse at the doctors, nursers and the young girls attending the clinics, is that they don't get it. They don't understand how difficult it is to make those steps up the driveway, down the corridors, onto the op table. They don't understand how with each second we want to turn around, we frantically search for reasons, and the strength to turn around but the circumstances (regardless what they are, really) that force us to be there, do not change. And after all, it is a woman's right first of all. If we were forced to have those children in those circumstances, the world would not be a better place, we may in fact just be creating more children that end up in care, messed up, unhappy and, ultimately, criminal elements in society because they know if their mother had had a choice, they would not be there.
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no suggestions for improvements.
Hello there
I found this item on the Request for Review page so here goes:
Overall comments:
Having lived away from my birth country for many years, I can relate to the emotions behind this poem: even everyday things that we take for granted are different. It's not just about the language, the food, the stree signs. It's also the way Even the leaves appear confused.
“Do we fall or not?”
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and definitely think it is a story worth building on, I like the way - so far at least - the commmon theme is the bus stop. This could be taking to infinite degrees. It's a very clever way to pull the story together.
Please keep me posted when you do some more work on this story as I'd love to see where you are going to go with it.
There are several things I enjoyed about this story, I shall try explain as well as I can.
The fact that Sarah's wishes are so unusual for a girl her age makes you wonder A) just how many little Sara's are there out there and B) the children that ask Santa for a new bike or fireman's truck, what do they really want.
That Sara turns to Santa, whom she feels she can trust, rather than a figure of authority, say a teacher or a doctor. Perhaps they have failed her previously?
I think the fact that she chooses to ask Santa rather than the afore mentioned is rather cunning on her part: that way her Mum won't get suspicious. Clever.
The hopelessness that Santa feels, the fact he can already foresee her demise (or fears the worst at least), is incredibly powerful in this story.
There is just one minor thing I'd change which is the capitalisation of 'Daddy'.
Otherwise, a great piece of work. I'm off to continue raiding your port
Found the link to your port in the Noticing Newbies forum so I thought I'd have a lil' peep.
Wow, if there is one poem I've read today that I can relate to 100% it is this one. Being a single parent is a thank-less task at times, it's tough going, you're running against brick walls of all shapes & sizes and then, the kids come home from school... Or they have stuffed a fluffy toy into your laptop case and it's the first thing you see when you get into the office... Or they bring home art work from daycare, the first insecure but bold toddler scribbles of 'I love mummy' - that is what makes it all worth while. This poem expresses that perfectly!
Just one minor suggestion:
all the pain and misery
that I'm forced to bear
It struck me when I was reading this poem that the flow would be much improved in this particular part of the poem if you changed "I'm" to I am - I read it several times over and think it does flow better like that.
Otherwise, an excellent piece of work - I look forward to reading more!
Found the link to your port in the Noticing Newbies forum. Did you mean for this item to be an In & Out? If yes, you should probably explain what you are looking for. If not, perhaps you should change it to a 'static item' / poetry.
Looking forward to reading more items in your port & WELCOM to writing.com
the 'concrete' you are referring to could be just about anything on the planet: debt, parents, school, the 'wrong' one, children leaving home, a bad job, an ingrown toe nail - you name it!
it is short, poignant but powerful
it expresses precisely how I hope to feel when I free myself from my 'concrete'
I liked this article; unlike you, I have yet to finish my first novel (I have 2 in progress -- bad idea! ) and I am already scared of the publishing process bit; it is part of why I don't finish, there is that nagging little voice inside my head going, who'd want to read this, let alone publish it? But I know I must be courageous or I'll never find out. Rather lie on my death bed saying, they didn't like the script than Gosh, I wish I'd finished that novel!
Good luck with submitting this article & keep us posted on your progress!
Just popped in to repay the favour of your review of Who Am I
I like this poem and it's underlying message: don't judge unless you know what it's like to walk in my shoes.
A couple of minor points:
I think I would lose the double-spacing
I think I would make two stanzas:
Walk the miles I have walked, stand were I have stood.
Then maybe you would understand, why I feel like driftwood.
Feel the pain and suffering, take a hold of the tears I've cried.
Maybe then you won't judge me, and understand why I hide.
Walk the miles I have walked, stand were I have stood.
Look into my eyes see what the world has done.
Maybe then you will see, all that I must over come.
I don't judge my friend, for I know the pain.
You see I only have myself to blame.
Maybe then you will see, all that I must over comeovercome
I quite like this poem because it describes the loss in the aftermath of a relationship has ended. The first 3-4 stanzas work well, but I'm not so sure about the 5th - here, it feels like 'hard work' perhaps because it feels as though the flow has been broken. Perhaps you could re-write this stanza to incorporate the single-line 6th stanza?
I have two other minor corrections you may wish to consider:
It's come totoo soon.
It's gone totoo fast.
Why can't we just make it last ?
...not good enough for the elite Villagers Villagers' tastes
and the men searching the trees and brush by day
Do you mean bush
They were not doing a very good job of battling the effects of cold and starvation [insert comma] and they had no idea how adept at survival the Four had become after being banished from the Forest months ago.
Perhaps 'months ago' is superfluous
By now, the Four had insulated their rock huts with animal skins, cured their meats with herbs and salt [insert comma] and had stockpiled enough essentials to survive the cold winter without too much discomfort.
Meanwhile, in the Great Village in the Center of the Land, the Villagers were struggling through bouts of pnuemonia, pneumonia anemia, food poisoning and basic starvation.
I think perhaps 'in the Center of the Land' is superfluous now as you've mentioned this a few times already
What I liked / didn’t like:
This is a very enjoyable read - and the ending is perfect, if gruesome . It's a great moral reminder of the fact that the majority isn't always right, and that with skill, imagination and cunning, the minority can survive, against the odds.
I am more than happy to re-visit this poem and give it a higher rating should you decide to use some of the above suggestions as I do believe this story would then deserve a higher rating.
I didn’t notice any typos or grammar errors and have no suggestions for improvement
What I liked / didn’t like:
I must say, what a wonderful idea! I always admire members who manage to start a forum, make it work and stick to it. That requires so much time and dedication which is admirable.
Apart from that, forums are obviously a wonderful way for members to meet and get to know each other; when, as in this case, you can learn something along the way then I'm all for it!
I didn’t notice any typos or grammar errors and have no suggestions for improvement
What I liked / didn’t like:
Well, I must say there were some interesting contributions amongst those that posted their views to your forum - I really like your introduction to the forum (ie your list of possible reasons), in particular 'monkey got your wrench'?
The general feeling I get from the posts so far is that it isn't really just one reason but a combination of reason. For me, I am a single mum (so it's hard to get someone to look after my daughter - and besides, I prefer to holiday with her), I don't have many holidays left for the end of the year, money, career, I'm moving house (in fact, country!) soon... you can see, it's a bit more than 'monkey got your wrench' Still, I get to be a pirate for a few days and re-live my Viking ancestry so it's not all bad!
...my teachers were demanding the unthinkable out of myself me and my classmates...
a friend that whowas interested in my thoughts and feelings and helped break my nasty case of writer's block.
What I liked / didn’t like:
How kind of you to thank Mark so publicly and to recognise the importance he has played in your life recently. That is one of the things I love about w.com - there are so many wonderful people here, and you can keep them at arm's length if that's what you're most comfortable with, or you can make deep and meaningful friendships.
May you continue to heal and move your life forward.
One week ago [insert comma] I saw a child killed by car.
His vision The driver, hazed with drink, never saw the tiny presence until the windshield was painted red.
I am also missing a bit of punctuation, for example after the 'Innocence Lost' lines, and after the last line of the final paragraph.
What I liked / didn’t like:
This is an interesting piece; what makes it interesting is that, actually, we could probably all sit down and make a similar list of people who have crossed our paths to whom similar things have happened. As a reader, I'm therefore left with a sort of 'sinking feeling' of realisation. I hope that is what you aimed to achieve!
I found this on the Request for Review page so here goes
General observations:
Just a couple of minor suggestions that you might wish to consider:
I didn't notice any typos or grammar errors and have no suggestions for improvement
This poem is very funny and rather unexpected - I anticipated an ending that gave some kind of analogy but, alas, no. This works really well though. Thanks for sharing!
Where is are the other 90 pages I usually get this time of year?"
I've checked it twice [insert comma] just like you told me to.
Santa didn't even get to the second pile of papers when before he rearranged his oversized towel and sighed deeply.
"Even these The kidskids listed here are so naughty that they don't even deserve coal in their stockings. In fact I've just thought of a new use for reindeer droppings!"
That’s funny!
Was he losing it or had Christmas lost it's its twinkle over the years.
Replace full stop with a question mark
Later [insert comma] over a cup of hot chocolate…
"I think this calls for an investigation," said Jolle. "Santa is losing his touch and kids are overall more increasingly naughty.
Days of brain numbing surveying-the-public later [insert comma] he found himself outside a small shop in downtown Los Angeles.
Four teenage boys were strutting around [insert comma] going no where in particular and smoking…
One boy had just finished adding final touches to a wall painting that looked more like letters than apicture.
"What's up, shorty?"
As they are name-calling, Shorty should be capitalised. There area a couple more examples later in the piece.
The elf stared as the boys strutted off [insert comma] nudging each other with their elbows and laughing. And not even so much as a 'goodbye shorty'. ’Goodbye, Shorty’.
And if we don't do something about it soon [insert comma] Santa will just fade away…
After all, a vacation to the Bahamas for a change sounded like just the medicine he needed.
Christmas came and went [insert comma] and so did the puzzled looks of all the children who peered into their stockings to find little brown lumps of unmentionables (an after thought of the Spy elf and contributions of the reindeer) or nothing at all [insert comma] depending on what list they had ended up.
As he did, a familiar twinkle came back returned to his eyes.
What I liked / didn’t like:
This is a funny story . At first, I wasn’t too sure why you’d picked the street gang kids in L.A. for the scene (you’d expect to find a goody-two-shoes blonde kid doing his homework being canvassed for his views rather than the guys you picked) but of course, that is what lends some additional complexity to the story and it does work really well.
I really enjoyed the twist you added at the end, that the parents had to sign a contract to say they would stop pretending it is them who fill the stockings Nice job!
This story has a lot more potential than the rating I’ve given – I am more than happy to revisit this story when you’re through with whatever editing you wish to make based on the above suggestions.
Can we go, mom Mom? Please?"
There are a couple more such examples in the piece.
Still [insert comma] it sounded like fun, going around getting candy from people.{/i
"When we get to the door, say 'trick or treat'," she explained carefully as we trudged through the snow toward our first house.
How about rather than 'house' you say 'victim' - just a suggestion.
"Oh, We'll we'll just move these boxes against the door ...
This was not getting to be the fun I had turning out as I expected.
What I liked / didn’t like:
Well, the joke was on them, huh! This is a sweet story, many will be able to relate to it of course, even those of us to whom Trick or Treat is not a custom.
Keep writing & enjoy the convention!
Smiles
Anne
Proud Convention Pirate 2004 & 2005
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I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no suggestions for improvements.
