This is quite an original story and I have to say that I wasn't expecting it to end this way.
I like the way you introduced the main character and situation in the first three lines, very effective.
Actions thoughts and reactions are quite credible until the coin is revealed, after that, I found it
harder to believe what was happening. It took me a moment to understand what was happening
and I still don't know why the man with the leather jacket was after the coin.
I quite like the descriptions when Ricky notices that he can hear and the way he reacts
is very realistic.
A wonderful narrative poem, that reads like a story, with a natural flow that carries the reader smoothly until the end.
It's a pleasure to read it just like a story, with the metaphor that is timeless and quite universal.
This is just a personal opinion, but stanza five seemed to be a little slower or longer when reading and
I needed to stop and read it again. I love the last stanza, the last line and the sweet irony.
Lovely poem, I like the color and movement that can be felt. Turning, spinning, feminine.
The shape fits the content well, with the movement and music that can be felt
like a staccato. I like the imagery of the book, with the pages that turn and the short line breaks
that to me look like the pages of an open book.
Quite an effective poem that is in fact a message that uses simple words and examples in rhyme and asks people to react.
In abusive situations, it is difficult to decide whether one wants to keep fighting for justice or quickly forget to build a new life,
with much deserved peace and happiness. I think that your vision of giving each other a helping hand in such situations is an important one.
I wish it would happen more often.
This is an interesting poem, with imagery that goes beyond some typical poetic cliches and that is what I like.
The colorful image of an orange is quite striking and gives a concrete symbol around which your thoughts are organized.
The idea of waiting for things to happen, for life to come to us, and that hope, immaterial and vague are nicely expressed.
A very interesting subject for this poem, I also think that voices say so much.
I have become more careful/aware of this and I know that honesty and integrity can be felt in a voice.
The second stanza is the one that touches me the most, especially the last two lines!
A very good metaphor, that you have chosen not only to illustrate, but also to explain.
And it works for this poem that I have really enjoyed reading.
I had never thought of comparing winter with clarity and the need for truth.
It's also very clever the way you take the reader by the hand and make them understand and feel
the need for Spring made of beauty and promises.
Excellent work!
This is a very descriptive piece and it is impossible not to see the typical western image of perfection;
the lovely house and garden that we are all supposed to envy. The kind of surroundings that I would personally
find suffocating!
So the poem is very clear in showing the perfection as the surface, but also inviting us to go beyond.
It is so clear that, if I were to criticize something in this poem, it would be the four lines of the last stanza that are
in fact four questions. I would have personally preferred something less direct as a conclusion, but that is my personal point of view.
Changing what you are, adapting, forever evolving. Communicating deeply with what affects you to the very essence of your being.
The images created in this poem transported me to this kind of thoughts and impressions of reality.
I love the transformation and the continuous interaction felt in this poem. The first approach is more complex because of the longer verses with more evanescent imagery that takes longer to decode, but the second reading reveals the whole atmosphere.
*Line three of the first stanza: should it be "effervescent"?
Interesting writing where you seem to have found the adequate tone, which is very important here
to form unity and coherence between one strophe and another.
Personal memories, links that make sense to the author but help share images and atmospheres with the reader.
We are spectators...
I have quite enjoyed the monologue form of this poem, it can give a dramatic force to poetry.
I can follow the evolution of this relationship that ended too soon, but I thought that something could show
more effectively the possibility, and then the disappointment and sorrow. Just "taken to a place" does not sound so strong,
and - my opinion - I felt that something should stop the reader at that point. I wonder what you think.
Very clever! Well thought out, very nicely written, with lots of creativity.
Some parts of the dialogue do seem a little complex for Shrek and Donkey, but I may be mistaken
because of the seemingly more accessible nature of the computer-animated film.
Great scenes, I love the humor.
Thank you for entering Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest.
A deeply moving and humane piece of writing. A very narrative piece, with lots of thoughts and questions and worries...
that mix with with the daily world and descriptions.
It's interesting, with some touching imagery, although a little confused/confusing sometimes.
But that's the way thoughts wander in the narrator's mind, I suppose.
It's a lot work... to find what is worthy and be able to keep it. Good subject.
Thank you for entering Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest
There is an interesting idea here, and it needs to become more apparent at once in the poem, before other aspects are developed.
These are simply my personal impressions of your piece of writing. I think that the idea may be even clearer and more pleasant to read
if you worked more on the rhythm and flow. The central thoughts could be delivered more effectively in a slightly shorter version.
I would keep the number of questions at the end low. Instead of losing the reader's interest, they could focus on one essential question.
I hope you don't mind my opinion. Keep writing!
I was looking for something that would make me smile, and I saw this folder with "the lighter side".
A wise lesson indeed. And, in a way, it's good for the one he decides to marry: no matter how much money she spends,
It can't be worse than a thousand. Actually, I think that polygamy should be forced on men as part of an educational program.
Once they're free, they will love to buy lovely gifts to their one and only wife. :) Just an idea... :D
With a very enjoyable and simple form and rhythm, you share a message that we no longer hear.
People get used to everything and seem to forget where they come from very soon.
This piece is well crafted and I like what you did with
"Ashes to ashes and dust to dust,
Silicon masters with power and lust"
giving a new twist to an old expression.
Great ending too.
I saw this in the Poetry Newsletter.
The bitter irony in the title and the two contrasting voices give an effective description
of the carefully orchestrated life of a narcissistic pervert.
I can see the contrast between the reality and his delusional world of "perfection", the pain he inflicts because
of his neediness and lack of empathy that makes him consider his wife as an object.
The permanent layers of make-up and and constant manipulation are something I have had to endure
and spring free from, so I can relate.
"Method acting in ink", what a vivid metaphor!
And this poem is rich, coherent, full of energy, until the very last line,
wonderfully thought out.
Somehow, I stumbled upon a line that felt awkward
(although that's a personal opinion)
"We are like fish. Our words can nourish man."
I thought: if we are like fish, what are our words?
Although I understand your metaphor, effectively extended at the end,
something feels incomplete there.
Great work, thank you for entering Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest.
It is a shame I don't read enough poetry on this kind of deep, essential, universal question on this site.
Most poems are about depression, pain and loss. Those are worthwhile subjects - just as any other subject
because what counts is the imagery and emotions they carry. Still, I think that it's essential to look at the world
around us too!
I like how you mentioned so many differences, so many "reasons" for hating another human. I especially like the conclusion
that goes back to the idea of how ready we are, how easy it is to hate. Those two lines sound great.
Although the "list" of reasons is an important part of your poem, I also think that it detracts from the poetic flow
of words and thoughts. But I see the purpose of your writing.
This is a lovely story, well told, that sounds like an interesting page from a diary.
I really liked the story of the dog, the sadness and the uncertainty as well as the adult's answers that try to sound reassuring. Maybe this piece could be just a little shorter in order to focus on the heart of the story.
Thank you for entering Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest.
Inspired writing with a throbbing heart and open soul. "A scarred mother-ship" wonderful!
I move the metaphors, word choices and universal message that comes from a particularly tragic event. The force of transformation can be felt throughout this poem, I hope that everyone reads this!
We don't know much about the people we see every day, those who are just faces, voices, people doing their job. It is interesting to make us think of this with a poem.
As "shadows of darkness" is already the title and in the first stanza, it could be better to express this in a different way at the end of the poem. It could help you highlight a different aspect of what we seem to ignore.
Thank you for entering Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest.
You make some interesting points with this piece of writing that combines memories and reflections on life today. This piece is something I would definitely share with my daughter or someone who should know about those changes and how they have affected our lives.
"Life was much simpler then - not easier, but simpler."
I agree...
It is not the difficulty that is frightening, but the useless complexity that only benefits twisted and greedy minds.
Thank you for entering Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest.
Axilea
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