It is rare to read an acrostic poem that makes you forget it is an acrostic. You have succeeded in writing a poem that has a natural flow and a contemporary feel.
"Importance of love has lost favor to the lure of waging war,
Negative influence reeks, oozes and seeps from every pore"
I like how you have placed the heart of the poem at the right place, even visually, it draws the reader's attention at an essential point in your poem, with these two lines standing out.
My personal favorite lines:
"Folly has it that love and war are fair and we accept it as so,
Avenging angels tint the light when there’s nowhere else to go."
This is an accurate and soulful description of a town that seems to have changed a lot over the years.
I love the descriptions of concrete details found here and there, it's like some kind of modern archeology.
" If at low tide, you meander over to where the ships once docked, you can find fragments of expensive porcelain that was once imported there, tiny glass bottles that had toppled from gargantuan heights many years before, or any number of other intriguing pieces of history"
This is a well crafted and informative short piece. I think that you could easily extend this piece by including other aspects if you feel like it.
Such an emotional poem, with many painful revelations about the author's inner world.
The feelings are expressed clearly and strongly. I can understand and empathize.
I think that the form could be improved. Some repetitions are weakening the poem's content. I thing it could be a little shorter and personally (but this is just an opinion), I would use words like "pain", "love", "emotion" (that are both strong and very abstract, general) sparingly. You could then concentrate on showing these emotions through imagery and words that are more concrete.
I understand the suffering, but in order to achieve a more universal meaning (isn't it a paradox?) your words need to sound more personal and unique.
"I know I can LOVE, but I cannot feel it.
I feel pain when I see you, physical pain.
The pain that lets you know your heart is breaking,
And yet is doesn’t break
I can never love, yet I love you."
Do you think you could say this in fewer words, maybe by "painting" an image for the reader?
I hope you don't mind my comments and find this helpful.
Well thought out, nice poem, although a little repetitive in form.
I am sure that he would have loved your poem.
Yet... so many years have passed since he wrote that song and Humanity is still in pain.
I have the impression that it's not "just" war, but that there is an increasing distance between a human being and his/her responsibility on the direct consequences of any action.
We are destroying the planet "wearing gloves", from a distance, behind screens.
Increasingly dehumanizing our world... now, would John Lennon have imagined this?
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This is a poem that recreates some kind of personal mythology. Personified darkness and light, like Olympian Goddesses and Gods, have children. Very allegoric, as each of them represents an aspect, probably a voice for feelings trapped within the author's mind.
Conceptually interesting, I think that some rephrasing and slightly condensing some parts could help make this poem more striking. Some of the energy is lost, especially towards the end. These are my personal opinions, of course.
Another point that intrigued me is that "She knows not what she does,
but Light is her enemy"
so darkness is "he" and light is "she".
"putting up barriers
hiding her mother, Darkness,
away from her father, Light."
here, it's the opposite.
Lovely poem, a bit too light for the shade of pink, but then it is your favorite color, isn't it?
Friends are so important to me and as I go through difficult times, I realize it more than ever.
I especially like these two lines:
"no facades or pretentious disguise.
It’s a nourishing kind of thing"
No disguise... sounds easy, but some people always hide behind a mask or even multiple masks. I cannot. And that's probably why I find it impossible to accept.
Nourishing...we all need constant food for our soul, understanding/feeling/thinking all are part of the same process. There should definitely be one word to express these concepts without separating them.
It is not very common to read plays (or a few scenes of a play) on this site. I think I only read two until now, so this must be my third.
I understand the idea of the relationship between the painter, the painting (or not being able to paint it, in this case), the woman, whose identity is not revealed to the reader and, later, the man in the flashback who makes the first scene clearer and links it to the third.
Also, you give information such as "She is an old friend of the painter, who leans against the left wall.", but how do you "show" this to your audience?
I suppose this is a first draft, hopefully for a slightly longer item. I have the impression (but this is only subjective) that the confrontation and dialogs could go deeper. The flashback is a little too short and the final reaction a little too sudden to be completely credible.
Still, I appreciate the "risk" taken in writing something we don't see very often on WDC and the way of showing how the selfishness of a father can be a heavy feeling for a young adult having to deal with missing pieces of her childhood before feeling free to create.
Personally, I know what this means.
I can only congratulate you for writing such a brilliant poem.
I was attracted by the title and I'm glad I followed my instinct!
The form is what impressed me at first. Visually, this poem already looks very interesting. I don't know if this is an existing form or not. (Well, if it wasn't, it certainly is now! ), but for some reason it reaches the reader immediately and so does your message, of course.
Needless to say, I share your opinions, but I always try to appreciate a poem for what it is. I have given high ratings to poems on religion, or political views very different from mine. Same goes for poetry in rhyme and meter, although I'm not a fan.
What I find unique is the path followed by your thoughts, the honesty and courage in them. These qualities are much needed, in my opinion.
I think that this is great writing, profound, compelling, with a language that reflects our times:
"Many days have passed since the original mayhem.
"Only a thousand days. Where did they go?"
Remembering the chaos and the crassness, I reach that mental scar,
Eternally hidden from the government, tormenting me."
This is a lovely story, I wonder where you got your inspiration from... It sounds like something from another time; I could easily think that this was written in the 19th century!
There is not a lot of generosity around... I rarely see acts of true, selfless love. I could almost say... never.
This makes the end of your story - that begins mysteriously - a heartwarming conclusion.
At first - I have to admit - I was not so sure if I would appreciate this poem.
I looked at the general pattern, at the constant repetition of the phrase "a common man" and I thought it would be hard for me to like it.
Then I was surprised: your poem grew on me. The repetition made sense, as you showed the repetitions in a life's cycle. All the steps within a man's life that are so unique and meaningful to him, but so ordinary because they might be part of the life of everyone.
The ordinary man is also a hero when he does all that he does:
"a common man stands
takes pride in a son
a common man feels pain
takes pride in a daughter
a common man knows sorrow
a common man watches
life crumble
a common man has
knees that bleed
a common man rises"
Nice work, I appreciate the intent and the result.
The descriptions in this poem make this a journey for the reader too. This world of underwater quiet is incredibly poetic. You gave the reader the feeling of a secret universe. The piece is realistic and at the same time, some details give it a dreamlike dimension.
I like the imagery in:"Enveloped in liquid silk"
the repetition (verb/noun) in: "Surface shimmers rainbow to blue as I surface."
And I have really enjoyed the accuracy of tinges of blue, purple, gray, green...
This is my second review from the auction held by simply_complex
The emotions and physical symptoms that express them so strongly are everywhere in this poem.
"Six days into twenty-one,
fifteen knots tighten,
a tourniquet
cutting off soul's blood
from heart and mind
and a poet near dying"
I read it because I was really intrigued. The frustration of not being able to fulfill the task, of a writer unable (whatever the reason) to write are striking, like an explosion of mind and body, a lion in a narrow cage.
All of these feelings may seem exaggerated for a "simple" contest, but a writer can fully understand what this is about.
A very lovely form that gives rhythm to the sacred feel of this piece. I think that you have tried many different things at once: the form, the religious aspect, and the use of five senses (in four stanzas... one missing ).
The emotion that you mention as a sixth sense is probably more veiled, not really expressed in words. It certainly evokes an emotion in those who have experienced such festivities, though, by awakening their memories.
What I like is to have a different someone from a Hindu background who uses a lovely poem to remind us of different cultures, beliefs and traditions.
It helps us understand that we are not the belly of the world.
This is the first of the reviews you won in the auction held by simply_complex.
I have appreciated reading this poem's soft and melodious flow. It suits the feeling of intimacy that you put on your word choice.
This is a very personal poem and the warm, sensuous message is not necessarily very original as far as the vocabulary is concerned: "sweet voice", "odd dance of love", "feel your heart move within mine."...
But the general atmosphere is pleasant and the poem flows freely, even more so... into the hands and ears of the person it was written for.
I think you deserve a five-star rating for speaking your mind. Some will not agree and that's fine: who expects people to have the same opinion? Fortunately, we are all different!
You certainly know that this subject motivated me enough to suggest a third option or something that would protect those who don't want blind rates (so much worse than blind dates). I was told at that time that I should "grow up" and accept low rates. I have absolutely NO PROBLEM with lower rates, but I prefer to have an explanation for them and to know who is rating me, so that I can answer, ask for explanations and eventually learn something that will help me improve.
But slapping a one with no explanation and no name on it is useless and mean. Especially for those who might be sharing their work for the first time, going through a difficult moment or teenagers who are sometimes more fragile.
For those who like ratings only, fine, I can rate them without reviewing. But for me, the best option is rating WITH reviewing. I also enjoy the fact that nobody sees previous ratings that sometimes do influence the reader.
You also mention reviews. That is rare (I think), but I understand that you don't like them. I have no particular opinion on the subject.
Well, one thing is sure: you have made your point clear!
It is funny to come across this piece after having written a poem about dirty hands.
The repetitions in this poem made me feel somewhat uneasy. At the same time, this is not bad and I think that, as an author you have worked on this effect.
It's a take it or leave it, I suppose.
On the other hand, I have discovered some lines that are very striking:
"You don’t ask for dirt.
Dirt is what you do not ask for.
Dirt is like a metaphor."
The content and message are really interesting. Maybe -but this is a personal opinion - the poem is a little too long, diluted.
I have enjoyed discovering this.
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I took your poll and... well, I saw the results and the conclusion seems pretty obvious to me!
Not to be worried, though, some people break chairs, beds... in my case, it is wine glasses. They always seem to be slippery or particularly fragile. For some reason, this is not happening anymore: things do change!
If this piece is homework, I think that it's really such a shame that someone so young should have ready-made answers about the world and... God.
How much do you know about science and scientists? How many have you spoken to?
What do you know about God? Which God are you talking about? At what point in the history of the planet and where?
I think that it is important for someone young to be open to all possibilities. Truth is not a monolith. It is made of an incredible number of facets.
Have you ever heard of the tale of the elephant in the dark?
Let me tell you this story:
There is an elephant that someone put in a room. The lights have been turned out. This person asks a certain number of people to go inside and touch what they have in front of them (as they cannot see it).
Then, they are asked to tell about their experience and it will be their truth.
One comes out and says: "The truth is something warm and wet". Another says "No, the truth is thick and strong" Then another one says "No, you're all long, the truth is very tall and it's difficult to climb on it"...
It seems that they all have a contradictory experience of the truth because they touched a different part of the elephant. Then , when the lights are on, they are allowed to see the elephant and nobody could have guessed what it really looked like.
Too many certainties and too little experience make young people incapable of seeing the many facets of the truth.
So many people, so many cultures, so many beliefs. Who can tell which is right and which is wrong. And if one thinks that he/she can, on what basis?
A good teacher will open all doors instead of showing a unique path to absolute truth. Because this attitude is what makes the world a place of violence and hatred, intolerance and bigotry. War is only a second away.
Please, do consider this, if you still can. And do check the right spelling for "adamantly" as well as your punctuation.
Wishing you the best: an open-minded approach to life.
This is an interesting attempt and there are original ideas and a lot of imagery that give a tone and atmosphere.
Body fluids, noises and the materiality of love, of the feelings shared as well as the space and skin. It all mixes to form an interesting and daring picture.
I think that this kind of item could explore some more. It is raw and effective, but it also need to be structured a little more and extended, in my opinion.
Something feels incomplete, as if the author had stopped from fear of going too far, too deep.
I wish there were more clues about the character whose action is described here:
"You gobbled up my dreams but left your chewed-up heart inside my swelling belly."
Of course, these are my personal opinions and you are free to take them or leave them.
Interesting beginning...
Axilea
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