*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/beholden
Review Requests: ON
1,024 Public Reviews Given
1,025 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.
I'm good at...
Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.
Favorite Genres
I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.
Favorite Item Types
I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.
Least Favorite Item Types
See previous section.
I will not review...
Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
Review of Blackbird  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
An age old story indeed. I like the peaceful feeling of this piece, its gentle hints at what is to come, and its acceptance of the life that is granted. There is an understanding of age in all this, a measure of experience that grounds the tale with real wisdom.

It's not something of excitement and high adventure but, for all of us, there comes a time when peace and rest are more important. And these can be as gripping as any tale of derring-do, this story being an excellent example. The writing is simple, sure, and unpretentious, confident in its ability to guide us through to the intended ending. Though it deals with a subject that is never popular, it speaks with a clear voice and delicacy so that none need be offended. Death is, after all, a part of life.

This is a very effective piece of work that achieves exactly what it sets out to do. I can find no fault in the writing, neither technical nor in clarity of vision. A most enjoyable read.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Small photo
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
2023 Quill Nominee2023 Quill Finalist


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Disappearing Act  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A two-for-the-price-of-one, Janus of the poetry shelves, a delicious mix of sweet and savoury, what a joy this poem is! On the one hand, it's a feast of tasty, gorgeous words cascading in colourful torrents from the pen; on the other, it's a serious look at life and how it's spent, the wages of whatever it brought.

It's a wonderful combination of things, so unusual yet arresting that I cannot pass it by. This matter of cascading words, for instance - it's what I've always admired in Dylan Thomas with his ability to create a flow of words that don't mean anything nearly as much as they create feeling and response. That's what the first reading of this poem does to me - no idea what it's about but don't care because its so delicious! "Fired up on righteousness, served sizzling to earnest flightless flocks afraid of blazes" is just one example, for the poem is full of them.

Subsequent reading coaxes meaning from the words too, aided by the title and description, explained by that single meaningful genre admitted to - Personal. Oh yes, I'm not above that too, when things get so close that they hurt to reveal too frankly. And this is a somewhat desperate view of a life lived and now reconsidered from an older perspective. How it contrasts to the glorious outpouring of words that greets us initially! But it's true - life is both beautiful and tragic, a sad song played on a penny whistle.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense. It's the only way I know to let you understand how much I enjoy this poem. And, if poems were easily laid open for all to understand at a glance, they wouldn't really be poetry, would they? The best are like this one, outrageously beautiful and a thing to be savoured forever.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Small photo
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
2023 Quill Nominee2023 Quill Finalist


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Generation Z  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an odd little story. The strange, secluded and reclusive society it speaks of is rather cultlike in its separation from the world and inwardness. Add to that the the fact that the stilted, formal and robotic quality of the conversations reported gives the story an otherwordliness that actually suits the story as a whole. It makes complete sense that, so fearful of the world outside is the group that, when confronted with something new and different, it rejects both the newcomer and the leader that has formulated the rules that now lead to their being cast out.

I was undecided as to how intended this cultlike atmosphere was until the final moments when the narrator chooses to be thrown out with the leader and newcomer. This shows that the reader's sympathy is not to be with the society but with a more humane stance of accepting difference and other cultures. It's very cleverly done and effective in its building of scene and then sudden reversal of what we have been induced to accept. There are lessons here that will only emerge with time and thought.

The really remarkable thing is that it is all achieved through so few and such simple words. It is quite beautiful in its strict adherence to story and a refusal to indulge in flowery and overstated description and language. A most affecting and deeply relevant piece indeed. Quite wonderful.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Small photo
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Cleansing Tears  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for explaining to me the Strambotto form, in this case the Toscano variant. I have, of late, become interested in obscure poetic forms and this is a particularly fine one. Your poem, too, is an excellent product, regardless of the form chosen for it. The rhymes are delightful, steady, rhythmical, yet unobtrusive and natural, always adding to the meaning and sound quality of the poem.

Meter too is well handled and the poem can be read aloud with smooth and uninterrupted flow. In fact rhyme and meter work together with meaning to produce an answering mood in the reader, the respose to the underlying sadness that the poem projects. This, surely, is what poetry is for - the communication of thought and feeling from one mind to another, the passing on of experience between creatures of equal sensibility.

It's a finely crafted poem, carefully thought out and presented. Which leaves me with little to say but well done! Most enjoyable.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of Linger  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like it, not only because it's good advice (there is no need to hurry into the future, after all) but also because it means essentially the same whichever way you read it. Whether it is truly a palindrome or not, I don't know, not being an expert on these things. The only palindrome I know is the old Napoleonic one, Able was I ere I saw Elba in which each word must be read backwards as well as forwards. Not that it matters, your poem being so clever and thought out that it strikes the target whatever we choose to call it.

And that's really my point. The piece succeeds both aesthetically and in holding to reality. It makes sense whichever way it's read and contains a life lesson too. I'm all for living in the present, since it's really all we've got. It's fresh and original in conception and execution and I can't say better than that.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
It's an original idea, I'll grant you that. I would really have liked to know what the prompt was. I get that the genre was Political but the prompt may have added more detail on what you were attempting to achieve.

Aside from all that, however, it's a clever little poem that states its opionion very quickly and succinctly in few words indeed. At times you do stretch the point (celery and beef jerky, for instance, have opposing reasons for rejection) but these are not out of place given that a point is being made.

In the end it's clear that the problem is us - we are so careful not to offend against the multitude of directives we're faced with that we fly in the face of reason and sanity. Your final line expresses this perfectly - starving for acceptance is exactly what we are. Full marks for originality of the main idea, for presentation, and accuracy of aim. You hit the target.

Which leaves me with nothing to suggest for improvement. The more I think about it, the more I like this poem!


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of A Fairy Tale  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A moral tale of a girl meeting some fairies and eating some food that changes her tastes so that she becomes fat in the ensuing year. She has a younger sister who goes in the opposite direction at the same time. It's a simple tale about choosing carefully what we eat and so remaining fit and healthy in appearance and reality.

I must admit that I found the plot rather predictable. As soon as the fairies insisted that she eat with them, my suspicions were aroused and confirmed very soon afterwards. There had to be something wrong with that food, obviously.

This is always the danger with pieces written to convey a moral or push a viewpoint - all too easily, they betray their underlying intent and become preachy as a result. I think you have written this for a very young audience, so the moral may well be a good thing to be a part of the story, but this is best disguised at least by the inclusion of more than that as a central theme. As it is, everything revolves around the fat/eating theme and it becomes too obvious.

Otherwise, the writing is fine, although you have a tendency to report everything that was said in speech. Careful selection of what progresses the story is more important than reproducing our natural chatter. All the polite in between stuff is really unnecessary.

Writing for children is much harder than people tend to think. They have different priorities from ours and so it becomes difficult to capture their interest. And, if I were qualified to offer advice in this area, it would always be to steer clear of teaching and moralising. That's other people's job. Entertain rather than instruct!


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of Crash  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ah, your trademark sudden ending. Very effective.

The first part is a great description of a hangover. The aches and pains, the vanished memory of the night before, it's all there in stark relief. Already we begin to suspect where this is going, despite the narrator's ignorance. He is handicapped by not remembering the events of the night, of course.

The rest of the piece is a series of abrupt realisations as reality breaks in, the final blow being the note that ends all hope. It is all very well told, if a little one-sided because we have no knowledge of how often this scenario has been repeated. It's hard not to wonder how justified is the wife's decision, therefore. That's not something that can be fixed - it's a product of the way chosen to tell the story. It is all from his point of view and to go into the wife's experience would weaken the aim of the piece. The reader must take it as granted, that's all.

And so to the bottle of vodka. I love that it is tucked firmly into the freezer and his brain. Poetic. Of course, it's a bad thing to have if you're serious about giving up the stuff and it's a relief for the reader that he chooses to pour it away. He's on his way up again and today he can take the kid to the zoo. A happy ending.

As to whether you've succeeded in your aim of capturing deep introspection, I think the answer is partly. To get down to the deepest levels, we would need to experience more of the battle against compulsion in the narrator. Which means you would have to spend at least as much time on the battle as you have on the hangover. You might even have to let him lose the fight - that'll take you to the utter depths.

The main problem is that it's a well known story, however it turns out. Very difficult to find something in it that sets it apart as a result. And that's why it might need to be taken right into failure and ruin. At least you avoid the happy ending in that case.

It's a good piece, even so, well written and engaging. Not quite as affecting as the shorter pieces of yours that I've read, but this is not trying to achieve the same thing. You have a way with words and will never have trouble getting people to read what you write.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Snow Day  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A poem written to order, yet it needs no raison d'etre, being expressive enough of its subject without extraneous cause. It's true that the kitten seems a little forced in introduction but this is completely forgivable in view of it being a contest requirement. The tea kettle fits in quite snugly after that.

The thing is, it's a beautiful poem in spite of being written to a contest's specifications. The words and rhymes are sensitively chosen to create atmosphere, rather than to decribe a scene in detail. And it's entirely successful in this.

I think your secret is in the vivid painting of details. Snapshots like "Sun peeks, a shy eye through the frosted pane," and "Each soft step leaves a whisper on the white," allow the readers a glimpse on which they can supply detail from their own memories. Each phrase is like a trigger, firing these gentle visions at the mind and so creating an effect, a feeling of place, rather than attempting a full description. You give us the experience instead of a photograph of it.

It's most impressive and a highly effective poem. Very enjoyable.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
So what is this piece, I ask myself. Ah, he's defined it as poetry. I don't usually review poetry but I'll make an exception because this one interests me. But I still have to mention that your genre selection is poor, if you want the poem to be read. Contest and Other? Tells me nothing and doesn't hook anyone searching for a specific genre. It's only because I know you that I can guess there'll be a joke in it.

And so the deed itself. And it's a jolly little thing, dancing around the assertion that it rhymes. Well, yes it does, if we count the scheme AbcdefA. I can see I've got competition in this game of finding new ways to play with rhyme. I might have to pinch this form and then use you as my authoritative source.

Because I like it, you see. And I'm not the only one, in view of the fact that you already have three reviews and all agree on awarding five stars. As accustomed as I am to bucking trends, this is one I'll not argue with.

It only remains for me to decide whether its claim to be poetry is justified. And I say it is, more so than many a little ditty in these hallowed halls of the WDC. The tongue stuck out defiantly at rhyme and the deliberately free cutting of sentences into arbitrary lines demonstrate full awareness that these elements do not a poem make. It's the depth of meaning that does that and see how I've had to dig to get to the root of so small a piece. Oh yes, it's poetry alright. And a very clever, and amusing thing indeed. Applause.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of Shift  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Some people classify stories of less than 500 words as flash fiction. I think you ought to put that as one of the genres, as many readers only have the time or inclination to deal with very short pieces. You should attract more readers that way.

On the same subject, it's best to increase the font size from the WDC default. Many older members find it difficult to read and, again, you don't want to drive any potential readers away.

Otherwise, it's well presented, with plenty of space between paragraphs and is attractive to the reader as a result. The title is good, too, with its enigmatic one word that could mean many things. Nothing like a bit of mystery to pull readers in. But you have to deliver in that case. And I've spent some time wondering at the connection between the title and the text. Do you mean the young, uniformed girls are on a shift? Or maybe the narrator was on a shift when he discovered the abused girl. Some clarification is needed, I think.

And so to the story itself. You're asking the reader to do a lot of work, aren't you? Presuming that the girl he rescued is the same girl he now watches as she crosses the carpark, the reader has to make the connection. And it's quite a jump for a reader who may only be partly invested in the story. I'm not saying it's too high a jump, but I think you might lose a few that are unprepared for such mental gymnastics. Personally, I love that you've made me work for this conclusion, but I'm still not sure that it's the right explanation. What makes me go for it is that, without it, there's no story in the piece - it's just a vignette. But you claim it as a story so the parts must all be related in some way to make a plot. I can't think of any other way to do this.

So I'm left really loving your story but unsure how many other readers will feel the same. It's up to you whether you're prepared to risk it or not. I know I would as it's the kind of thing I've done myself at times. I don't mind if readers are left guessing. It's pointed out merely because you may want to make it a bit more obvious. Entirely up to you.

There was one sentence that is desperate for a few commas to separate the items in a list:

"A pile of beer bottles used needles and cigarette butts had spilled onto the floor and offered a view to how the dead man lived his life."

Overall, it's a very competent piece of writing. In so few words, you establish atmosphere, tell us all we need to know about the narrator's history and character, and give us a neat little story that took years to unfold but only 365 words to relate. All this and no errors or grammatic whoopsies for me to point out. Well done indeed.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a fair attempt at a short horror story that falls short thanks to a few minor errors. The conversation at the beginning is confusing because we're not told who is talking. This means that, once we reach the introduction to the characters, we have to read the opening lines again to make sense of them. Never a good idea to force the reader to go back to read again.

Then there are familiar or near-familiar names scattered through the text. The most glaring of these is Barney Fife and you risk being accused of plagiarism or fan fiction by using the name. Far better to invent names that you can then flesh out with character if necessary. In a short story, it's probably more than is needed anyway - Barney's fear of the house tells us all we need to know about his character without borrowing a character from another writer.

The piece is written mainly in the past tense but sometimes switches, for no apparent reason, to the present. This is something that should only be done to give sudden urgency to the action and it should be used sparingly even then. To switch so many times in a short piece like this is only going to distract the reader.

Finally, your last sentence weakens the impact of the denouement. If it's merely a film set, that's fine, it's a reasonable ending. But to then try to throw the reader back into the world of real horror is a step too far. Let it be real or fake - never try to get the best of both worlds. It's unclear anyway whether the scream is real or just another movie effect.

So there are a few things that need fixing but they're all easily attended to. Otherwise it's a competently told tale that could succeed with a little polishing. You building of tension is good throughout the piece and the surprise at the end well timed. Just needs those little errors to be mended.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review by Beholden
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I'm a great believer in the modern fairytale. And, in this piece, you have written a great one. The original tales were intended as instructional and this story takes the same path, if a bit more obviously. Perhaps that's because we are closer to the lessons it tries to teach. They deal with a modern problem and suggest a modern solution.

It's a delightful tale, a clever turning of the original Hansel and Gretel story to serve in a different way. The single weakness, in my opinion, is that there is no explanation of how the witch catches and imprisons the children. One moment they're chewing on the house, the next their parents are rescuing them. I know it's easily inferred from our knowledge of the original tale, but the sudden skip in the text is still somewhat disconcerting. Just a sentence or two to describe the children's capture would make all the difference.

Otherwise it's a fine tale, well told and with a sound lesson to be learned. I found no errors or typos. Altogether, a very enjoyable story. Well done!

Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-
14
14
Review of "Lipstick"  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I almost don't know where to start with this one. Perhaps it would be best to start at the beginning and finish at the end. And that brings me to the title. Why the quotation marks? If it's to indicate that it is a title, just embolden it and we'll understand. Otherwise it looks like a quotation and gets us wondering how a single word can be such a thing.

Then there's a little surprise in the dates. Your details (yes, I do read those if it's going to help in the review) maintain you joined WDC on February 29 2024. Yesterday, in fact. But I see you already have four reviews on this piece. I find that almost unbelievable. If I garnered reviews that quickly, I'd be kinda pleased with myself. But it's a minor point and not really for the likes of me to wonder at.

So then I come to the piece itself. And this is where it gets really difficult. You have such a wonderful way of looking at things and then expressing them on the page. Your attention to detail injects a vividness into the prose that really makes it sing. This is the closest thing to prose poetry that I've seen in a long time and I wish that were all I have to say. But it isn't.

Your grammatical errors are spoiling the piece. A few here and there I can forgive but so many are scattered through the text that they overpower the soaring impression your writing makes. I think I must list them all so that you can attend to them.

"She comes up out of nowhere, somehow danced across the floor to you." Starts in the present, ends in the past.

"Echoing thoughts race across your head" Across? "Through" is better.

"When after doing the best you can," You can't have both "when" and "after." Choose one and it'll make sense.

"we both realized that we're both beyond sex" Repeat of "both" in the sentence. Just one will do.

"But looking at us...you seem to live each other higher," "Us" or "you" - which is it to be? Also, "live each other higher is unclear - better is to "lift each other."

"The mere mention of sex between us to each other" Again, "each other" is unnecessary since that's already been established by "between us."

"something more deeper" Just "deeper" is enough. "More" is what we call redundant.

"we both complimented each other," "Complimented" means that you said nice things about each other. I don't think you mean that - I think you meant to say "complemented," meaning adding to and improving.

"whispering song across up in the sky" "Across" and "up" - one of them is redundant. Later in the same sentence you repeat "letting us know." Better to change one of them to something else meaning the same - ""telling us" for instance.

"as if the gods was just going to..." If it's "gods," it has to be "were," not "was."

" she spoken into my chest" "Spoke," not "spoken."

"I just remain quiet" The paragraph is in the past tense, so "remain" should be "remained."

"just to hear her out to hold her keep her calm to let her vent to just be herself." Desperately needs some commas to separate those actions.

And that's it. Believe me, I don't do that for everyone but your writing is so expressive that I had to help you get rid of the errors in grammar. Apart from those, I have only a comment about the function of the piece. You describe it as Fiction, which tells me that you're not telling us about something in your own life (or, if you are, you'd rather not let it be known). Which is fine - but then I wonder about your intent with the piece. It's not a story because there's no plot, it just describes. It's what we call a vignette and I think you should label it as such so that people looking for a story are not disappointed.

I have to be severe in awarding a rating because of those errors. But do not be downhearted - fix them and it'll definitely be a five star piece. Well done!


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of Cat Politics  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this. It's very neat in its rounding up of things that seem incidental and turn out to be crucial to the story. One form of cat politics to another kind of cat in the end - it has a balance quite rare in other stories.

The story-telling, too, is quite masterful. It proceeds at a gentle pace, adding details as it goes, but nothing too dramatic happening. One wonders where it's heading. In fact, I found myself noticing the end in sight and thinking that there wasn't much left for a decent punchline. Oh, don't let it fizzle after all this, I thought.

And it didn't. Saving the best for last, it delivered the surprise denouement in the very last sentence. You can't ask for snappier than that - I love it!

Of course, I knew there was something about that cat. A ceramic cat delivering a static electricity shock, indeed. But you gave nothing away with that, merely spicing things up for the final flourish. It's really well done, a little tour de force of good writing.

I see that your lone previous reviewer gave it one star short of a full house, and I wonder what was found wrong in the piece. Perhaps they didn't like being left not knowing everything about the cat and its powers. But, to me, that's the glory of the piece, that the cat retains its aura of mystery. What matters is that it is powerful and has arranged for its transfer to a new owner by some unknown power. Why dilute the taste of that delicious ending with an unnecessary explanation of how it was done? Let the reader season it to taste.

Wonderful little tale, most enjoyable.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is so refreshing, so simple and yet so profound, a breath of delightfully cool air upon the fevered brow of the modern reader trapped in a land of overheated opinion and guess. It hides nothing, being quite open about the meaning of the picture it paints, holding the hand of the reader so that misunderstanding cannot result. And it's in no hurry, proceeding with calm assurance to its beautiful destination.

As a metaphor, it is so effective, the concept of cup and saucer being made for each other true in both example and conclusion. But what I really love is the recognition it gives to the chips and flaws of daily life being just as important to the message as the set itself. This is how the Creator intended it to be, even down to the smallest hairline crack, perfection resulting from unity of purpose in the end.

The writing is clear and direct, even presentation being enhanced by the emboldened font of each section. Both subject and execution combine to make a disarmingly simple but effective picture of how things are meant to be. It's wonderful stuff.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of We the People  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a reasoned piece summarising freedom and its importance to all people, but looking especially at those states where it has been tried in the form of democracy. I think more stress needs to be placed on the definition of the word, since it is best understood by a study of its opposites, such as slavery, the feudal system, and totalitarianism. This would show how the concept of freedom became so attractive to mankind in the first place, while highlighting the fact that it does not mean licence to do exactly as we please. All actions need to be considered in the light of how they affect others as well as the individual.

The piece hints at this weakness in pure freedom but does not go into detail on how a line may be drawn between freedom and licence. Law is mentioned, as is the problem of who decides that a law is good or bad, but there is room for deeper investigation on this point. The plain fact is that we are human and carry the seeds of destruction within us therefore. Just as we are imperfect, there is no perfect system that cannot be corrupted by our own failings and the best we can do is to opt for what offers the least harmful way of governing ourselves. It's a matter of the best of a bad lot.

So there is much more to be said on the subject but this piece does make a good start on it. The argument is presented clearly and without serious or obvious flaws. It's just that I feel it impossible to deal with so vast a subject in so few words. A brave attempt!


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of FERNTALON  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I puzzled over this for a while, wondering what it was intended to be. It wasn't until I found the lone clue, the word "novella," in the heading, that it made sense. Of course, it was fairly obvious that the piece is part of a much greater whole, but the description "CavernClan nursery, 20 Moons before Arc 1" has no meaning to anyone stumbling across it in Read & Review. The point of a description is to prepare the reader for what is to follow, not to refer to something that he has no knowledge of. So you need to be a bit more explicit in the description.

And that's my major quibble with the work. Once I settled to read it (in spite of the small font and compressed look without space between the paragraphs - some attention to presentation needed there), I began to appreciate the vivid description, the careful, measured and accurate prose, most especially, the freshness and originality of the concept. It really is a wonderful new world, a society and culture of cats with a different view of life than our own. You have brought anthropomorphism beyond its usual bounds and, in the process, created something that is more for adults than children. The names, too, are a delight and a relief from the usual Tiddles and Snowball suffered in feline literature. In the end, I have to offer my applause for a job well done.

Explain in the description that the piece is an exerpt, enlarge the font by one step, and allow some air into the text by either putting an extra return between paragraphs or indenting their beginning, and you will have a jewel of a piece.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good grief, this was a surprise. Such a long list of disappointments and frustrations, disillusions and disgust! And I have to admire the determination and stamina to keep going through all those verses. Sure, I can understand how the thing was written in an outburst of long-contained and emotional despair at the state of the world, but it's dreadfully one-sided. And, if it's as biographical as claimed, it speaks of a terribly disastrous life.

All of which is a reaction to the content and speaks nothing of the writing or technique. But I can't help being affected by such a prolonged outburst of unrelieved doom and gloom. Has humanity no saving graces? You know it does. I've read enough of your work to know that this is hardly characteristic of you. It must have been a pretty awful day.

As for form, technique and style, you've done better. But I suppose we all have our off days - I know I do. I'll be kind and give it four stars because I know the wonderful stuff you're capable of.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review of Trust  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a very well written horror story, full of engaging and original turns of phrase ("...hair was just starting to pull back from his forehead, like a hesitant tide," "...panic fluttering dry wings in her mind"), and the accurate use of an obviously full vocabulary. You can write, that's for certain.

The story, too, is compelling as the reader waits to hear the terrible secret she is about to tell her paramour. And the denouement works well, although it's rather as expected.

The single weakness in the tale is the boyfriend's instant reaction to her secret. It seems too sudden a change from his previously caring attitude to her. And this is because the telling of the secret is done so sketchily. It's over in one short paragraph and the reader is not granted any time to absorb the enormity of her deeds as a result. I think, if more detail of each crimes, or at least a couple of them, were supplied, it would be easier to believe the boyfriend's disgust and revulsion.

It's a small point but an important one to the plot. And, since it takes some of the steam out of what is such an expertly told tale, it should be amended if you want the piece to reach its full potential.

Otherwise, I can't fault it. Beautifully written and an enjoyable read.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of Worth Saving  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is a sound tale of a man's revelation of what it is to be the caring friend that Christians are called to be. I do wonder how much interest a non-Christian will find in it, although I can see little in it to offend against most non-believers' assessment of what a Christian should be. Matt does become very close to a stereotypical legalist at times, for instance. But there are people like that out there, I know.

Ultimately, the story stands boldly for its message and it's a universal truth that anyone would find hard to argue against. In a crisis, it's right to assist even your enemy.

If the telling of the story has a weakness, it is in the sudden contrasts it recounts. It is hard to believe in Matt's sudden breakdown to tears in the truck, when only seconds before he has been railing in his mind against homosexuals. And Jarret's switch from friendliness to anger, when he realises he's being preached at, is also a little too sudden. People usually put up more avoidance of conflict before throwing an antagonist out of their property. It just needs a little more time and subtlety to smooth over these transformations.

The piece also needs one more careful edit - I found two technical errors:

"I'm looking forward to the next few months being Heaven on Earth." I don't think he had ambitions of being heaven - more that he wanted to live in it.

"He pushed his way through the cloudy home in a hurry" - probably better to say "smokey" or "smoke-filled" rather than "cloudy." I can see what you were trying for but "cloudy" is a bit more friendly than smoke.

Other than that, it's a well written, engaging story with few flaws. And I do like a good story with a moral at the end.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review of Mr. Green Eyes  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Clearly this is autobiographical and not a fictional story. But it contains an account of your first love and what followed. As a story, I think it may be a bridge too far. You see, most of the piece is devoted to the first romance and ultimate betrayal. The details of what happened afterwards is tacked on as though it was necessary just to end the tale.

I think the ending weakens what is both a charming and deeply tragic story. Told just for itself, without reference to the twists and turns of later life, it's quite a powerful description of young love and the highs and lows it can bring. It's an old tale, witness Romeo and Juliet, but an undying one. It doesn't need the addendum of what happened in the rest of your life. It can stand alone as a touching romance and ultimate failure.

The progression from there straight into meeting your ultimate marriage partner deflates the emotion built in the main part of the story. It's its own story, really, and deserves to be written as such in a completely different piece. I would even dare to suggest, having experienced it myself, that love in later life is deeper, stronger and lasts longer. And that makes it just as affecting a tale as any teenage affair.

Both have their attraction, one through passion and dreams, the other through friendship and steady care for another. Anyway, that's what I think about the story. As regards the writing, it's fine, there are no errors in the grammar or editing, and it flows without lumps and bumps, and at the right pace. You write well, if with a little too much control - a bit of poetic nonsense would draw the reader in even more effectively. And, for that, we need details, odd little things that the two of you shared, even silly things that made you laugh. Give us a glimpse of the memories you have. And don't forget the huge ache that was caused by his treachery. You pass over it a little too lightly with your brief description of a dear John letter. We need to see and feel the despair that preceded the decision to let him off so lightly.

Of course, you may not have intended to open your life to the reader in such a manner. The piece may have been written just to stop holding it to yourself. And that would be fine. But I'm a writer and I write to make people think and feel - so I can't help assuming every writer is the same.

And I'll bet you are. *Wink*


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of PrepMo 2020 Day 6  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I'm not sure this was intended to be read and reviewed. At a guess, I'd say it was a first draft that you meant to go back to and extend into a story but never did. It is openly unsure about itself right from the beginning until the end.

But it's here in the Read & Review section so I must presume that it's open to both, especially as it was written in 2020 and that seems too long ago for it to be left incomplete. And I have to start by saying that its first impression is that it's dense. The small font and paragraphs crushed together so that the whole seems a solid cube of text make it daunting to read at best. It desperately needs spreading out with greater space between paragraphs, and a larger font chosen for ease of reading.

Actual reading of the text only makes it more dense. Characters wander in and disappear without reason, they soon become so numerous that all hope of keeping them in order is gone, and the reader is left in the flow of the writer's thoughts on what he has to tell, without a hint of what actually constitutes the story. I have to presume that it's experimental and attempting to demonstrate the story forming in the author's mind. And the reason I assume that is because the writing itself is good. The names and relationships are interesting in spite of being thrown into such a jumble and it becomes frustrating that the story stutters and fails to begin. There is so much interesting material to work with in what is recorded.

That is the greatest weakness in the piece - that there is no story in it. Or that it is so effectively hidden that the reader has no hope of finding it. If the thing is an experiment, it should not really be out there where reviewers can stumble on it. And if it is intentionally unfinished as yet, you should continue to work on it because it has the potential to be very good. I am sure that you intended something to happen in the scenario. The annoying thing is that it doesn't.

Finally, it requires a good editing, at least if you ever finish it. Lines like "There is a bit of drama in whether or not be could procure that," and "him eventually becoming a murder" don't make any sense, because either words are left out or left uncompleted. It's the kind of thing that a decent editor should pick up on first reading.

I know I've been hard on the piece. But, if it is intended to be read, it is surely worth getting right. And there are some things holding it back that are easily fixed. Tell us a little about the characters before introducing the next one. Do the same with any actions - they form the backbone of the story and, if it's left in unconnected pieces, the reader can't make head or tail of it (in more ways than one).


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review of No Home to leave  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is an intense description of being a part of a family with high stress and difficult problems. It's not a matter of abuse, as such, but nevertheless the narrator finds it so oppressive that the only alternative seems to be escape. And yet that's not easy.

It appears to be written almost as a thought experiment, perhaps in an effort to come to a conclusion on action to be taken. In the end it fails in this but may have eased the building despair in the writer. For the reader, it seems a bit too personal to be accessible. Since the problems in the relationships are never detailed, they cannot be fully grasped and appreciated, therefore. The reader feels the pain but not the reasons for it.

So I think it fails in the business of communicating, but that may not have been intended anyway. There are a couple of minor faults that would improve it, even so. The font needs to a be a bit larger as, for anyone without perfect eyesight, it's difficult to read such small print. And the word "breath" is a noun meaning the air sucked into the lungs. The verb is "breathe" and I think this is what you mean.

Apart from that the piece is competently written but I'm unsure of its intent. Keep writing but decide on your target audience - is it a group of readers or just yourself? My advice would be to aim at others.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review of Jim's Chair  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You have discovered one of life's important principles. The inanimate servant that is loved becomes ragged and worn with use, precisely because it is always the chosen one. Far from being despised and replaced with something new, it deserves to continue in service, like an old retainer who is too loyal to be let go. Some things, even the inanimate, are lifelong companions.

This is a charming little piece, certainly true in my experience, and most readers will recall similar things that they have loved. But the important point is how the old chair speaks most eloquently of your love for your husband. That the chair now serves you too is surely the proper ending to the heartwarming tale.

In summary, it's a well written, simple but affecting tale that echoes in the memory of reader. And it's without grammatical error or typo - what more could we want?


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
512 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 21 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/beholden