Beholden's (beholden) Reviews

Beholden

Review Requests: ON

1,119 Public Reviews Given

1,120 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.

I'm good at...

Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.

Favorite Genres

I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.

Least Favorite Genres

Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.

Favorite Item Types

I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.

Least Favorite Item Types

See previous section.

I will not review...

Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.

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#4748185

Review of Defender of the Everglade Forest

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

To be honest, I thought the story fell a bit flat because it contained so lttle tension. If the narrator is to be believed, one side had all the power and magic, the other only ignorance. Because the elves were so talked up (they even had a dragon on their side), it never seemed that they had a chance of losing the fight. And so it proved, according to the description of the battle.

I guess I'm saying that the story needs more balance if it is to have the necessary level of conflict to make the reader care who wins. Most stories do this by having the baddies with greater power and force, so that the goodies can win through by intelligence, luck, or divine intervention (because they're the good guys, after all).

Bit of a quibble about the dragon, too. He gives the elves a winning advantage as it is, but, if his scales are the size of a man's shield, that's one huge dragon. Relating that to the illustration, that makes the elven lady (presumably Viridea) positively enormous. At that rate, all she needs to do is stomp on the invading humans.

I do get it - it's a fantasy, so much leeway is allowed and even expected. But there's also the reader's suspension of belief to be taken into account. And there needs to be at least a relation to reality involved. Sorta second cousin level, for instance.

As regards writing, the piece is fine, with vivid description, fast paced action and interesting developments of otherworldly characteristics. No technical or grammatical errors as well. I just can't help feeling the story needs a little more oomph.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4747646

Review of My Apologies, Mr. Smith

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of My Apologies, Mr. Smith by Sssssh! I'm not really here.

That was definitely different. I confess you caught me out completely with the guy in the back seat. Didn't see that coming at all. A bit easier to guess at Mr Smith's transformation into a bad guy - but such an unusual method of killing. With all those special contraptions in the murderer's car, it really was an automatic!

As well written and edited as all your stories I've read so far, this displayed a perticularly original and unusual imagination, both in the sudden switching of sources of danger, and in the weird killing apparatus. Death by crushing - hardly bears thinking about.

It did occur to me that you could easily make the story longer and more complex by introducing a link between the guy in the back seat and Mr Smith. Smith could have persuaded the shadow man to hide in the car and so give Mr Smith the chance to appear as the good guy. That would give the story even more evil and tortuous machinations behind the ultimate goal. It would make Mr Smith a seriously nasty bad guy in that Sybil would not be his only victim that night - the poor shadow guy ends up sitting in a cell in the police station.

Anyway, it was just a thought. Very good story, and most enjoyable, that's my summary.

Review by

Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4747636

Review of Spoof Review :Movie Classic"Halloween"

Review by Beholden

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Spoof Review:Movie Classic "Halloween" by Sssssh! I'm not really here.

This is excellent stuff. I've never seen the movie but I feel now that I know everything that happens in it, thanks to your fine summary. An important point is that it's your trademark asides that provide the punch to the narrative and keeps us in the lighthearted mood you intend.

Tables turned at the end, of course. But Michael manages to sneak out while no one's looking - got to prepare for Halloween 2 no doubt. You've made the movie seem quite watchable, which is really the joke, I suppose. As a horror classic it's meant to chill and terrify, not be enjoyed!

As usual, you leave me no flaws and whoopsies to comment upon so that all I can do is point to the good writing, the clever twisting of the horrific to the amusing, and the jaundiced eye view that you do so well. It's a very modern and sophisticated take on the horror movie scene that you specialise in. Who better to satirise a movie than one who really enjoys it?

I did find one tiny thing that I can point at. Your choice of Contest for a genre pick is not ideal as no one searches for that genre. So it might be best to swap it for something else - Dark, for instance. Otherwise it's a great piece and much fun was had by all.

Review by

Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

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#4747626

Review of ~Greetings from a Gruesome Gargoyle~

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Greetings from a Gruesome Gargoyle by Sssssh! I'm not really here.

This is an amusing tale that uses the idea of a gargoyle that roams the library during the month of October seeking mischief. The personality of the creature comes through quite strongly and we follow it through several adventures in which it creates accidents through the simple trigger of falling books. And it eats books (always wondered what they ate).

The whole tale is told through the eyes of the gargoyle which brings the reader much closer into the story than if it were reported from another view. We are, at least to some extent, on the creature's side, enjoying its harmless little tricks and schemes. It's amusing but not hilarious.

There is a slight weakness right at the end, where you allow yourself to comment on things with a few exclamations and noises. Doesn't work, I'm afraid - we're a bit too jaded and cynical these days to go along with such forms of expression in text form. I know it's an attempt to illustrate the sudden pain of the rattrap mishap, but it'd better to let us watch rather than hear it happen.

But it's a fun piece overall and bound to brighten our days. Good work!

Review by

Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

5

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#4747623

Review of ~A Thanksgiving Story~

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of A Thanksgiving Story by Sssssh! I'm not really here.

What a wonderful story! The irony is that I nearly passed it by. I saw that it was described as a recipe and thought, 'Not for me.' But I looked closer anyway and was delightfully surprised. It's really the story of how a brilliant new recipe was invented and applauded by everyone.

I love everything about the tale. The idea of turning the hot tub into a slow cooker was sheer genius and even gives rise to my theory about why it worked so well. Since you effectively parboiled the bird, none of the juices could escape and they were trapped to provide all the taste on the day. It's a possibility, you must admit. And it gives us some sense of how all our complex ways of cooking food were invented. It was probably all the result of happy accidents.

Not only the turkey but this story too benefits from your inventiveness. Your telling of the tale is excellent, bringing out the comedic aspects without forcing them upon us - there's a glint in your eye and a smile on your face throughout. We all end up having fun!

I cannot fault this story in any way. Like your newsletters, it showcases your remarkable talent in turning true events into entertaining reads for others. Thank you!

Review by

Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4747540

Review of The Not So Calm Before the Storm

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of The Not So Calm Before the Storm by Sssssh! I'm not really here.

I love your description of the disparate group of birdwatchers (called "twitchers" in Britain, strangely enough). An odd bunch indeed!

This is an account of the group settling into a forest cabin, to the accompaniment of various troubles, caused mostly by a resident and badly behaved cat. Order is eventually restored when the owner, a little old lady, returns to find the group occupying her home. In case we thought that was the end of the shenanigans, there is a parting shot from the cat, whose eyes glow red as it casts a look at the narrator. There are more troubles ahead, it seems...

Description in the piece is handled with considerable skill, each person being dealt with in a few telling and amusing words, and the view from the window proving to be suitably sylvan. The action does become a little disjointed and is hard to foloow in places. For instance: "landing right on Mr. Twitch’s neck, forcing his head backward and through the window" - I had difficulty in picturing this, imagining that the cat had jumped on Twitch's back, in which case it wouldn't have been able to force his head back. So it must have landed on his neck and chest, but we should have this explained. It would also be good to let us see the glass shattering, instead of learning about that later.

I found a couple of minor errors:

"My mini mix of binocular toters pushed passed me" - pushed past, not "passed"

"until the doorknob opened" - I think the doorknob turned and it was the door that opened.

Otherwise, it's a merry old romp with plenty of action, strained personal relationships and amusing incidents. Quite a carry on!

Review by

Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4747509

Review of The Stroll

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of The Stroll by Sssssh! I'm not really here.

An interesting take on life and death, this one. That we should be cajoled into death is a thought that requires some pondering. Although I can certainly accept that a mother's love for the child is so strong that a fierce fight is required to persuade her to abandon her responsibility.

The story is well told and progresses smoothly fom beginning to end, the final paragraphs being like an epilogue to explain what happened and to tie up a few loose ends. I did find a couple of things that could be improved but nothing major. I'll list them below:

"the peculiarly attractive shop" It doesn't tell us anything about why it's attractive.
The word "peculiarly" is the narrator's opinion and we learn nothing from it. The sentence would probably be better without it.

"The door seemed to open with barely a touch..." Seemed to open? It either opened or it didn't. Perhaps you were hoping to add to the rather dazed feeling she's had as she walks around the mall, but this doesn't really help.

Apart from that, it's a fine little tale with an original suggestion for our understanding of the end of life in the tail. Very enjoyable

Review by
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Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4747501

Review of Final Goodbye

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Final Goodbye by Sssssh! I'm not really here.

It's a love story, just as billed in the description, and contains a tragedy that is yet common to so many of us in the end. The sad thing is that all love stories end this way and this is also what makes it hard for me to review this piece. Is it story? I return again and again to the question as I'm reading; is there enough in here to warrant the classification as story? And it's not helped by your choice of genre selection - Contest Entry and Other tell me nothing.

The reason I'm spending some time on this point is that it's fairly important how we regard the piece. Presuming that it's fiction and claims to be a story, we might expect that it would include conflict and a gripping denouement. But this doesn't really have either. It develops the way reality does, with a gradual overcoming of initial shyness, from there into a romance and marriage, then a joined life until disease puts an end to the happy life of the couple. It's too real, too common to almost all of us to be something we read for entertainment.

So it's something other than entertainment. And, well written and without error as it is, it deserves to be showcased as something else. A vignette, perhaps, or a human tragedy? There surely ought to be a classification for this kind of piece - I see so many of them.

I feel guilty for centring my whole review around this one point. But that's often the problem with good pieces - it's hard to find enough to say about them to meet a word count! But I think there's truth in what I've said.

Unless my whole definition of story is too demanding of a plot and a twist.

Review by
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Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

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#4747485

Review of "I Hate Early Morning Visitors"

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of I Hate Early Morning Visitors by Sssssh! I'm not really here.

A lot more mystery in this one. Plus some blackmail, a little gunfire, and plenty of gum shoe work. I'm a little worried about Lou, however. He seems to be killing a lot of bad guys. I know he's always got a good reason, but are the juries going to believe him?

The plot was quite involved and unfolded throughout the piece with smooth pacing and explanation. Atmosphere is created with language appropriate to the time and several details confirm the setting's period. It's the heyday of the detective story when gangsters abound and prohibition rules. Lou is fairly typical of his chosen calling and much of the characterisation is done for us by the existing lore for this type of story.
It all comes together very well to create an excellent example of the genre for its many fans. For me, it brings back the TV series, Peter Gunn, from the late fifties, a time when detective stories were popular on television.

The writing is clear and sticks with the style of the genre very well. I found no errors or technical problems at all. All in all, it's a competent homage to the iconic detective stories of the thirties.

Review by
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Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4747449

Review of One Busy Night in Chicago

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of One Busy Night in Chicago by Sssssh! I'm not really here.

Well, that was interesting - my first review of a classic style detective story on WdC.
You certainly capture the style of the period, all bored, cynicism and tough metaphors. I don't think I've ever read a detective novel from the thirties (might have done a few short stories) so I'm not really qualified to comment extensively on the approach, but it seems authentic to me.

The story itself was all action vividly described and I followed it with rapt attention.
The plot seemed a lttle predictable, perhaps because we are used to similar stories and TV shows being considerably more intricate and hard to unravel. There was tension in the capture of the girl but Lou dodn't have to do much sleuthing to finish the case successfully. Not sure how you could introduce more mystery, however - it's a very straightforward story.

I did find one minor error in the text: "I'd loose a gun and be left defenseless..."
The correct word is "lose" as "loose" as a verb means to set free or untie.

There's also a technical matter that would be easily corrected if you decide to do so.
The gun he gets from its hiding place on the roof is not specified. We assume it's a pistol. He then proceeds to shoot the gangster through the head with it feom a considerable distance. Pistols are not accurate enough for distance work - it would be better to specify that it's a rifle.

And that's about it - my first detective tale review! Most enjoyable.

Review by
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Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4747353

Review of Dad Holmes

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Classic flash fiction, very short simple, and to the point. Although typical of the genre, this little tale has an unusual charm in the character of Dad, who comes across as wise, imperturbable, and fun loving - somewhat refreshing in an age when all dads are regarded as reactionary fools who do nothing but tell bad jokes and watch football.

The character of Lilly is less easy to read. I found myself wondering at her relationship to Dad. It is easy to jump to the conclusion that, if he is Dad, she must be the daughter. Yet she seems very young for that role, and needs to be directed into the right approach to solve the mystery of the disappearing peanut butter. At the same time, she is old enough to buy another jar of PB if necessary. It's all a bit confusing which, although not important in a flash fiction piece, was enough to distract me on my read through.

Apart from that minor quibble, it's an enjoyable read, has no errors, and even teaches a lesson in problem solving. Well done indeed!

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
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#4747081

Review of The Private Detectives WC 295

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of The Private Detectives by jackiesmuse

This one actually made me laugh out loud. It was the discussion about hearing a noise or thinking one heard a noise that did it. Which is very close to the beginning and has an important role in setting the tone for the whole piece. You really must add Comedy to the list of genres - substitute it for Contest Entry (nobody searches for that one).

I also loved the names. They, too, prepare one for the comedy in the piece. And that's the real strength of the whole thing - it is united into a powerful tour de force of the Comedy genre, everything serving that aim and building to a fitting denouement at the end.

Once again, you should edit those genres.

As a Mystery or Crime/Gasngster, I'm not quite so sure. The source of the "noise" was soon revealed and we never did learn what gave our two detectives the idea of searching the house. It may have been a connection to the Mob but we aren't told that. Not that it matters for the story, but I guess it does for the genre.

In summary, it's a delightful example of the best in flash fiction, instantly establishing its characters, placing them in a slightly ridiculous situation, and then tying everything up neatly in the end with a flamboyant bow. Excellent work and I won't even mention the occasional misplaced quotation mark.

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Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4746905

Review of Checkmate

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Checkmate by Josh T. Alto

This is quite a strange little tale. At several points it leaves the reader wondering how the narrator knows all this, since no one casn possibly have witnessed the action. But that's common to most stories - it just stands out a little more in this one as it speaks so much of what was going on in Mrs Richards' head. The reader accepts it all for the sake of the story.

I like the construction of the piece a great deal. The way the facts are announced with newspaper report precision at the start, then the witness account of finding the doors locked and knocking not answered, it follows very smoothly and logically. It's a bit of as jump from there into Mrs Richards' thoughts as she plays chess with her dead husband, but it's not an impossible jump for most readers, I would guess. And the piece is so well written that I'm enjoying it for that alone.

Perhaps the most mystifying aspect of the sstory is the mellowing of Mr Richards in death. Far from being his once violent self, it seems he has become a rather more thoughtful ghost and deflects much of Mrs Richards' criticism as a result. This may seen a slight anomaly in view of his previous ominous predictions of what awaits her in death.

There were a couple of minor flaws that I'll list here:

"Mr. Morgan shouted at him “Come on Buster, let her sleep!”, but he did not leave the door and kept barking." Sounds at first that it was Mr Richards who did not leave the door. Saved by the barking but it's too late to prevent that little hiccup.

"in one of their quarrel before he died" Should be "quarrels".

Otherwise it's a charming story, well written and most enjoyable. Well done.

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Beholden

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"Game of Thrones"

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#4746825

Review of Foretold

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Foretold by Purple is House Florent

This is an interesting little tale that overcomes its rather ordinary setting to become quite gripping in the telling. Unfortunately, the introductory passage is rather confusing. It's clear that it's the text of a message, it being in italics, but some of it shouldn't be ("The text message from his mom read."). It takes a while to sort out what should be message and what is explanation of the message. This is distracting to the reader and puts the piece at a disadvantage right from the start.

It does get better, however. The story proceeds from there to a description of working in the store and tying things up at the end of the day. Then he's out on the road, nearly hit by a car as he gets on to the main road and then picks up a crazy driver a bit later in his journey. There's a minor collision which serves tp illustrate the wisdom of Danny's mom's earlier warning to him and finally arrival back home.

Which is fine, as far as it goes. The description is enough to communicate Danny's fear in his encounter with the bad driver but some of the tension is lost because the text is scattered with minor errors. I'll list them so that you can fix them if you wish.

"...sliding his hands across his jeans to the excess raindrops off." Missing word.

"...He slammed on the brakes, his heart slammed in his chest..." Too much slamming - it's distracting. Better to choose another word for the second instance.

"...deal with this crazy drive..." I think you meant "driver."

"...flicked on his turn signal, hit the break..." "break" should be "brake." I know this one's a typo because you've spelt it correctly throughot the rest of the text.

So that's the story, really. Don't spoil a potentially good story with poor editing. Your writing's much better than that. It's not the most scary story in the world (I would hesitate to call it horror) but it's certainly entertaining and dramatic. Tighten up the minor errors and you'll earn a lot more five star reviews.

Review by
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Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4746803

Review of Identicals

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Identicals by J.R. PETE

I rather like this story. It has a bare, unadorned feel that is quite in keeping with its subject, a conversation between computers in binary code. The whole tale is told through the terse messages passed between the computers, placing the reader squarely in that environment and mimicking the cold, calculating world of the machine.

It has some problems, however. The introduction of pure binary code is off-putting to most readers, I should imagine. Just the coded names is enough to establish the different feel to the world, leaving the first two lines unnecessary.

The conversation is hard to follow at times too. That's not a major fault since we can hardly expect to understand everything when computers are talking, but the less technologically enthusiastic among us may decide that it's too much for them. And our job is not just to hook readers - it's to hang on to them as well.

It's very hard to judge the writing style as a result of it being merely a record of computer thought. We would expect that to be dry, concerned only with fact, and empty of emotion. So again, it's a good evocation of the situation but not exactly attractive to the reader. The story is just about good enough to overcome this however. And did I detect a little emotion in the voice of the traitor computer on being discovered?
Perhaps that was only my own feelings getting in the way

In the end, it's a great idea, difficult to pull off effectively, and I think you have made a very good job of it. Well done!.

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Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

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#4746795

Review of The Last Train Ticket

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of The Last Train Ticket by James Vogner

Beautiful descriptions in this one. The story is very simple, being the tale of an old man's thoughts and experiences as he rides the train through familar territory for the last time. As a snapshot of the old man in the hours of a last, nostalgic journey, it is very effective, evoking pictures and memories in the mind of the reader that echo in the mind with a nostalgia experienced only through the words.

Whether this is enough to justify the piece as a story is a matter for debate. There is no real conflict, for instance, and no resolution possible therefore. That's not a problem for me, since I despise all these laws and rules that people make in an attempt to define everything in the act of writing, but for some it will be. In my opinion, it's a fine piece of descriptive writing and has its place as such.

I did notice one error (the word is "dynamite," not "dynomite") but am not going to quibble over a single letter. The point is that this is a fine piece of work, excellent in its descriptive power and ability to communicate emotion, that lacks slightly in the matter of story. I say that not because of the "rules," but because it needs more plot if it is to fully engage the reader.

Quite impressive, even so.

Review by
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Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

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#4746790

Review of The Last Train Ticket

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of The Last Train Ticket by Genipher

I really like this. It did stir a distant memory of something similar I read long ago but, as they say, there's nothing new under the sun. And we're all borrowing from each other all the time, whether we're aware of it or not. That's how literature is built.

The point is that this is inventive and imaginative, well written and constructed without errors or typos. The imagined world is delivered not through info dump, but by little details fed into the text at various times, thereby avoiding long explanations but telling the readers as much as they need to know. And it all holds together, especially as any difficulties are dealt with in Tangent's thoughts.

That's an impressively solid base for a short story and the drama does not disappoint.
A charming, long distance romance, apparently impossible to fulfill, is made suddenly within reach by an unexpected announcement from the powers that be. And Tangent is given what she craves, a chance to make her dreams come true. It really is a lovely little story, expertly delivered. On such mundane things as a train ticket, wonderful tales can be constructed.

I have no hesitation in rating it at five stars. Great work!

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#4746564

Review of From a Different Angle WC 280

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An interesting approach, this story. It's not often that the narrator knows less about what's happening than the reader. The device works, in spite of it feeling wrong somehow.

I think it's that the reader becomes drawn into the story and needs to tell the narrator to wake up to what his partner has done. And when we feel that kind of thing, the story has succeeded! It's perhaps the effective way in which the narrator's surprise and puzzlement is conveyed that wins the reader over. We, too, are quite surprised by Arnie's overreaction to such a small thing, so we understand Stan's consternation completely. And that puts us on Stan's side immediately.

When we realise that Stan just doesn't get it in spite of all the evidence, we want to put him out of his misery by telling him where the money disappeared to. And yet we can't - this is fiction, after all. You can't be more involved than that! And it's involvement that makes this little story so powerful. It's so well done in so few words.

To sum up then, you've written a little gem of flash fiction that drags the reader in and doesn't let go until the very last word. The writing is very easy, a quiet, conversational style well suited to this day and age. There are a couple of clichés in there, but that's how we talk and it's really Stan who's speaking. I like it very much.

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Beholden
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#4746284

Review of The long night

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of The Long Night by Sumojo

I guess there are happy endings and happy endings. And this is certainly one of them. I did wonder about the wisdom of choosing Death as one of the genres. It does give away the ending. And that's a shame because the piece is well written and focuses on an aspect of life that hovers constantly in the minds of old folks - the fear of falling and breaking a hip or something. We do need to talk about those things.

There are a couple of technical issues that I noticed. Nothing serious but you may wish to fix them. The formatting seems somewhat indecisive. The second paragraph is indented, none of the others are. And some of the paragraphs are separated by two returns, others by one. This gives an odd, asymmetric look to the piece.

If you run your eyes down the left margin, you'll see that most of the paragraphs start with the word "She." This can be a distraction to the reader and it's best avoided by changing the word order or the word itself in some cases. It's particularly difficult in this piece because it's very solidly about the sole protagonist. What would help is to use her name some of the time instead of the constant use of "she."

Other than those minor quibbles, it's a good story, well written and turns what some would regard as a sad ending into a good one. Well done!

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#4746057

Review of You Were Warned!

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of You Were Warned! by Odessa Molinari

Hmm, didn't see that coming. I was expecting it to be Harry or Joe that was the killer. Very inventive to make it a heart attack.

So the essential element of surprise is there. And that means you won the battle. It's a very effective little story told extremely well. Just one tiny quibble to make, together with a thought on continuity (in the movie sense).

Your two instances of coding at the end don't work because you used HTML rather than WdC's resident WritingML. It might be worth converting them so that members can get the full effect.

A message in steam on the mirror - nifty idea but there's a practical problem. It's true that such a message will dissipate as the steam disappears. But it will reappear when the room fills with steam again. Admittedly not as clearly, but still legible. As it happens, I don't think it matters a lot, since the police could easily say that you wrote it yourself. So this is an observation, not a criticism.

Your writying style is very direct and uncomplicated. This was so easy to read and the initial idea so good that the the story just couldn't fail. There wasn't even a typo for me to point at! A most impressive piece indeed.

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#4745822

Review of The Black Fur Coat

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of The Black Fur Coat by Shika/Noah

This is an interesting creature. I've never read a story that telegraphs its ending almost immediately upon opening but remains gripping right until the finish. Yet that's exactly what this does. It is quite fascinating how it piles on the clues as the protagonist gets more feline every day. The slow transformation draws one on as if mesmerised, and the final denouement is a masterpiece of intimate description. It's exactly like Bolero, the classical music piece that starts so quietly and repeats its theme again and again while getting louder until its magnificent crescendo at the end.

And that's just the story. Your descriptive powers are quite amazing, too. It is so refreshing to read completely new ways of looking at the world and the metaphors you create are vivid and unusual. Yes, there's a formatting error here and a misspelling there, but these are nothing when compared to the spell you weave. I'm going to offer you some advice in the hope that you'll develop into a hugely powerful writer. First of all, don't get a swollen head at what I'm saying - it's obvious that you're just starting out and have a lot to learn. And then practise, practise, practise - write every day, even if it's just a tiny piece or thought, and keep going. Don't take too much notice of people who say that you have to write in a particular way - don't ruin the gift with too many straitjacket rules. Keep writing from your heart and the practice will develop your technique.

The two errors I mentioned are as follows:

The fourth and fifth paragraphs need to be separated with one more Return.

The past tense of "slink" is "slunk," not "slunked."

And that's it. Both errors are so tiny that they don't affect my rating - it's a five star maximum in my opinion. Finally, one more bit of advice - keep writing!

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#4745450

Review of A Healing Day for Rhea

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of A Healing Day for Rhea by Maryann - House Martell

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

And so to the story. A charming little tale of a civilisation on Neptune (unusual choice) and a schoolteacher mom's rescue of a wayward daughter. The combination of modern understanding and imagination is quite seamless and does not stretch belief. Although the denouement is a little too easily achieved and predictable, the care spent in constructing the earlier parts of the story makes up for this. Indeed, the readers are so much on the side of Rhea by the end that they don't want there to be any hiccups in the rescue of the child.

The story is divided into three sections, an introduction, a middle, and a brief final section. To some extent, the length of each section reflects the importance placed in each one. And the final section could use a bit more attention, perhaps in extending the search for Miranda's horse, thereby increasing the suspense in waiting to see that Miranda is healed. Apart from that, I find the story to be enjoyable and very interesting in its evocation of the evolved society on Neptune. I particularly liked the account of Earth and Mars history leading ultimately to their merging with the Neptunians.

A fine little tale for both adults and children.

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#4745412

Review of Mutiny

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Mutiny by Anni Pon

This is both clever and impressive. A clever idea to liken the experience to an entire crew arguing over the set of the ship, and impressive in keeping the metaphor consistent throughout. And I absolutely love this:

First-mate Right Eye lied,
"I've seen too much, what's left?"

It's so appropriate and made delicious by the fact he lied.

There are reasons to quibble, I grant you. The rhymes break down occasionally and more attention needs to be given to meter, if the poem is to be read smoothly. But the whole thing is such fun that I can forgive anything. If we think of it as free verse that mutinies with rhyme sometimes, then it's perfectly acceptable. So much is done with poetry these days that the basic structure and consistency of vision is more than enough to carry it through.

In the end, it's how effective is the poem that matters. And this one is an absolute mindblast. The idea is brilliant and its performance quite stunning. I was going to give it four stars thanks to the lumpy meter but, on thinking about it, I admit that it's a personal attachment to meter that is influencing me in this. So it deserves five stars for a wonderful, exhilarating tour de force of vision. Truly enjoyable.

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#4745109

Review of Mother's Day Tulips

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Mother's Day Tulips by Legerdemain

What a wonderful memory to be recalled by a particular object for the rest of your life. And how wise the memory in its choice of tiny detail to be preserved for later years.

This is an account of an experience of a child's fresh and unexpected view on something we find quite ordinary. It reminds me of my oldest son saying, at the age of about two and watching his first raindrops falling from a cloud, "The sky is crying." I've heard it said by others since then but it was quite an insightful observation for so young a child.

Your son's take on a dying tulip was indeed special in that it demonstrates the human ability to link two seemingly disparate events together in a similarity unnoticed by adults. It certainly took me by surprise, and I had to be reminded of the balloons before seeing that the use of the word "popped" was entirely appropriate. There is something magnificent in the fact that the event created an annual homage to tulips in your mind. Your son will always be avauilable to you as the little boy he once was as a result.

Perhaps we all have similar experiences to serve as a consolation in later life when the kids are grown and gone.

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#4745102

Review of Recurring Nightmare

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Recurring Nightmare by Legerdemain

This dream would be scary enough were it on its own but, if it's been going on for twenty-five years, I find that a bit worrying. Does it relate to any deep-seated fears or worries, I wonder? Perhaps you don't like driving at night, or read somewhere about a large deer coming through the windscreen in collisions. Seems a bit obvious, though. Yet there must be a cause.

Anyway, it's a fine piece of descriptive writing, adjectives perhaps slightly overdone in the first paragraph. There's a certain feeling of expectation created by the mentions of looking out for the beacons at the side of the road that will indicate - what? We're not told so we begin to expect them, too, if only to find out what they mean. Even when we see them, you give no hint of what is waiting for us until it has pounced. If it were my dream, I reckon it would be a shapeless shadow, unnamed and unknowable, rather than a deer. I suppose the deer is rather more frightening in that it could really happen.

Come to think of it, your dream is uncommonly real and well defined, with none of the more usual unlikely events or sudden, inexplicable changes of surroundings. But I don't suppose that is significant.

In summary, it's a powerful description of a dream that must be quite harrowing to endure, especially repeatedly. There ought to be a way to write to the dream factory and ask for a change of program!

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Beholden

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"Game of Thrones"

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