It seems to me that you're having a crack at something new to you, a Romance. At least, the heading identifies the piece as such, and yet you do not mention the genre in your Portfolio Profile. As a result, I'm going to assume that it's your first attempt at this genre.
I'm afraid it shows a little. The story begins with a long description of how Cary and Kimberley meet, then there's the romance, followed by another long section dealing with its ending and the ultimate results. Your description of the actual romance consists of one sentence: "The next two years were a romance novel." Then we're back to their respective careers and their lives together. You've dodged the actual reason for existence of the genre - the romance. I know it's hard to write (I've had a few bashes at the genre myself), but it has to be tackled. No need to go into the really intimate stuff (although I believe many romances these days are hard to distinguish from porn - the true romances still exist), but we have to give the readers some of what they're looking for.
They're going to be identifying with one of the protagonists, remember, and they want to be wooed, wined and dined, then carried off to some romantic paradise with the loved one. Our job is to give them that, for a time at least. So devote a paragraph or two to it, to make it a bit more real and believable.
Talking of paragraphs, yours need to be more obviously divided. At the moment, you're presenting the reader with a dense block of text that is insufficiently separated into paragraphs by one Return per break. Give each break a second Return and you introduce a space between paragraphs that sets the paras apart, thereby destroying the formidable impression of solid text containing the entire story. Books do this by indenting the beginning of paras but, on the net, it's necessary to give more rest to the eye with more visible separation. It's hard enough to read large quatities of text on a monitor, so any assistance we can give is important.
I've made a note to congratulate you on the correct use of the semicolon. That's a rare skill these days.
And so to the detailed stuff. This sentence worries me: "He turned on the radio as George Jones was singing." If the radio was off, how did Cary know George Jones was singing? It's the kind of thing that stops a reader in his tracks and that interferes with the flow, the pace you've established. Better to have him turn on the radio just because he wants to. Then we can hear that George is singing.
"They had this kind of instant connection, you see?" - The unnecessary "you see?" is disconcerting for the reader because suddenly you're pointing at him/her with a question. I know you're trying to establish a conversational tone to the narrative but this goes over the top.
"the off chance she would be there, too." That "too" is not needed as we already know that Cary is there and that he's hoping she will be. This reminds me that I meant to say that you tend to throw the obvious at the reader and too often repeat information. Try to limit the amount of detail you give by sticking to the essential. Does it help the plot to move forward? If it doesn't, don't say it. Just a few details highlighted here and there are sufficient to give the writing atmosphere. The reader's imagination will supply the rest.
"But this time he was going alone. Well, maybe not." and "She still was not there. Oh well." Both are comments on your own statements and are distracting. Don't do it.
'"Hello. My name's Cary." "Hi, my name's Kimberly," she replied with a smile.' - Not exactly scintillating dialogue. Think up something a bit more immediate and real. People don't introduce themselves like that. For instance you might try something like this: For a moment he was struck dumb but then managed to say, "Oh, hello."
She smiled and replied, "Hi."
Encouraged by this, Cary went on. "I noticed you a few days ago. Do you come here often?"
"Yes, my friends and I try to be here at least once a week."
"I eat here quite often too," replied Cary. "My name's Cary, by the way."
Boom, the ice is broken and she can introduce herself and the rest follows naturally.
"This was the beginning of the beginning." - We know, don't state the obvious.
"The next two years were a romance novel." - To make it real, you have to devote at least a few sentences to describing it. Did they spend a week or two in Aruba? Maybe they set up a regular dancing date. Anything to give those two years some colour and believability.
"...he never saw her again" - Really? Kind of hard to believe, almost as hard as what follows: "He never returned to his job." Let Cary have glimpses of her, maybe coming and going at the tavern, and allow him to hang on for a while at his job. Naturally, his work will suffer and eventually he'll be let go. No one is so devastated by a failed romance as to stop working immediately.
Kimberley's sadness at his death is stretching to the belief because we're never given a reason for her turning down his proposal. At the very least, tell us that she's suffering from some awful disease or affliction that prevents her from marrying. Anything that explains her behaviour, although it would have to be something pretty monstrous to stop her explaining the thing to him. But we ain't gonna believe her grief at the end without some sort of a reason.
And that's about it. Sorry to be so hard on you, but it seems to be your first attempt at the genre and I understand completely your reluctance to hit the old romantic button too hard. I'm the same way and it's why my ventures into that field are so rare. But it's a good field to get into if you can. A huge market. And most of the flaws in this piece are pretty easily mended. The basic plot isn't massively new and different, but this market doesn't care about that - they just want to fantasize for a while. I'm quite sure you're capable of knockin' 'em dead!
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| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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