Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army"
A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!
First off, I must give you kudos for being able to tell a tale with just a few choice words. Not everyone can do that. This piece definitely has a light, funny spirit, and I found myself grinning as I read it. To me, a good story should evoke some kind of emotion. Good job with that .
Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.
TECHNICAL BITS: This is very well written, even as a short piece. I didn't notice any technical errors.
RANDOM BITS: I liked how you snuck in a little "life lesson" in your last few lines. I had to read it twice, as I wasn't entirely sure if those words were relevant to the story. After the second read, however, I realized your message was the whole point of the story.
Overall, I think you did a good job with this. It's short, well written, and carries an uplifting message. I liked it!
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army"
A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!
Welcome to WDC! First off, I must give you kudos for speaking the truth! Personally, I don't like heavy perfumes either. I take public transportation and sometimes the stench of various perfumes mixing in the air is enough make me gag. Your piece really made me laugh. I loved the line "Every bottle should carry the warning: USE WITH CAUTION: POTENT LIQUID." I totally agree.
Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.
TECHNICAL BITS: The last two sentences in the fouth paragraph are questions so the need question marks, not periods. Other than that, I think this is very well written.
Overall, I think this is a very enjoyable read and you show talent, dear writer. Great job!
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army"
A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!
First off, I must give you kudos for creating such a promising premise! This story clearly shows your creativity. I really liked how you created this world and mythology for this piece. I would love to see where you take it.
Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.
TECHNICAL BITS: I think your sentence structure may need a little work. You have some fragmented and run-on sentences that take away from the flow of the story. For instance, the second sentence in the fifth paragraph is a fragment. I recommend taking out the word "with" to allow a smoother read. In the same paragraph, the sixth sentence is a run-on. Perhaps you may want to break up that sentence into two for a stronger impact.
Your comma usage is a little inconsistent. When I awoke I remembered my former life.--Here a comma is needed after "awoke" to separate the clauses in the sentence. Your comma placements aren't bad throughout, don't get me wrong. However, I would read this story out loud and place a comma where ever you hear a pause and a period whenever your point ends.
You used question marks after some of your dialogue tags that don't need to be there. Remember, those are for questions only. For instance: “Two competitors father? How could be the over,” Ema asked?--Here, the question mark should be in between "over" and the ending quotations. The question is within the dialogue, so that's where the punctuation should be. A period belongs after "asked." Also, that sentence is a little confusing. I would recommend rewording.
Remember to capitalize all names.
high-arky--Hierarchy (I think that's the word you meant)
RANDOM BITS: Forgive my ignorance, but I don't think royalty would use the term "guy" in reference to a man. It took away from the feel of the story, in my opinion.
Overall, I think this story has great potential and with a little TLC, it could really shine. If you have any questions about anything in this review, don't hesitate to contact me! Keep writing!
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army"
A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!
First off, I must give you kudos for writing a charming story with a valid message. Considering this is your first short story, I think you did well with it. I really liked the image of the old man looking sad, wishing he could spend time with his son. Very touching...
Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.
TECHNICAL BITS: Your grammar needs a little work, namely with dialogue punctuation. Remember: if you're going to add a dialoge tag (I said, she replied, he responds, etc.), you must have a comma before the ending quotation. Also, it is not required to capitalize the word following the ending quotes if it is part of the dialogue tag. For instance : “Go to your father, Kid” He stood up and I did the same.-- The comma should come immediately after "Kid" and "He" should be lowercase. A vast majority of your writing reads like this.
If you're not going to follow speech with a dialogue tag, ending punctuation is required. For instance: “Good! You might not understand now, but just remember everything I said, you’ll understand it one day” He gave me another smile.-- A period is missing after "day."
Last, be sure to capitalize the first letter of each new sentence.
RANDOM BITS: When writing stories, it's always best to write numbers out (ex: 10 = ten).
Overall, I think you have a really nice story with a good message. With a little TLC, it could really shine and stand out. Keep writing!
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army"
A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!
First off, I must give you kudos for keeping me interested throughout your story. This is definitely dark and intriguing. I would be interested to see where you take this.
Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.
TECHNICAL BITS: There were a few little things I noticed while reading this short work. Whenever you use numbers in your stories, it's always best to write them out (ex. 10 = ten).
Be mindful of your commas around dialogue. The comma should go inside the quotation marks, not outside them.
"...without my parents knowledge..."-- Here, you need an apostrophe in "parent's" to show ownership.
RANDOM BITS: I thought this writing was interesting but there is a lot missing from the plot. The killer is reminiscing on his deathbed but there is no mention of him being in trouble. His anger seems unfounded as he just snaps one day...that's frightening on its own, but how did he go from Google to serial killer?
Overall, I think you have an interesting premise here. This story has a lot of potential but I think it needs a wee bit more work, plot wise. The writing itself is decent; your errors are minimal and easy to fix. Keep writing and expand!
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army"
A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!
First off, I must give you kudos for writing something so heartfelt. You really gave me, as a reader, a glimpse of you, the writer. This seems very personal, and I commend you for your strength and confidence.
Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.
TECHNICAL BITS: I must admit I was a little distracted by your form. Even though it is casually written, it's a bit dense because you seldom spaced after your punctuation. Remember to always use one space after periods, commas, semi colons, etc. to facilitate a smoother read.
RANDOM BITS: I've found it helps me a great deal to read my work out loud and place the proper punctuation where ever I pause. I suggest you do the same as you have missed a couple of commas.
Overall, I think you have a great message here in this short work. With a little tweaking, it could really stand out and shine.
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army"
A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!
First off, I must give you kudos for your creativity. It's not everyday I get to read a story about the joys of anvil delivering LOL. This is a cute story. For all the pain the young man endured, I just knew he would get the girl, but no. It didn't quite work out that way. I really liked how this piece isn't meant to be taken seriously. Sometimes a story just needs to be a story.
Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.
TECHNICAL BITS: I think some of the sentences may need to be restructured. You're missing quite a few commas in your compound sentences. For instance: On my first day of using the car I carefully backed it up to the anvil which was to be delivered. Here, there should be a comma in between "car" and "I". A lot of your sentences read like this.
RANDOM BITS: I would recommend you read your story out loud and place the proper punctuation where ever you pause. That way, your story will read smoother.
Overall, I think you did a good job telling a cute story. With just a little TLC, it could really stand out.
Hi! I came across your item on the Request A Review Page, so I thought I’d sneak a peak and offer my humble view.
A QUICK HEADS UP:I’m not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It’s your work, your choice!
First off, I must give you kudos. Since this story is labeled non-fiction, the loud "EWW!" that came from me after reading this was all the more authentic. That was gross. Some people just don't practice good, common hygiene. I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way. Your last line--a very important message. LOL
Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.
TECHNICAL BITS: Actually, this is pretty well written. It flowed nicely and the technical errors were minimal and didn't mess up the pace of the story.
Just in case though, you might want to check the sentence beginning: "In an instant, an thoughts flooded into my mind..." That phrase doesn't read quite right. Also, the sentence beginning: "Soon after my father-in-law got up...", you're missing a period after living room.
Overall, I think you did a good job telling this tale from your life. As sick as it was, I enjoyed reading it. Job well done! Thanks for sharing!
That was fairly interesting, very well written, and I couldn't guess where you were taking your characters. That's a good attribute for a decent writer: creativity. I especially found Sam's attraction to his grandparent pretty entertaining. Overall, it was a job well done. :)
Goodness me, I think we are related! I dislike the Christmas season for all of the reasons you named (except I rather liked chilly weather but living up north changed my mind pretty quickly). The third paragraph made me laugh out loud. I like how you wrote this almost informally as though you were just discussing your dislike for the holiday with a friend. Sometimes, writers can get too caught up on the technicalities of writing and forget about overal tone. I really like this! Keep it up!
That was pretty interesting and clever. To be frank, I was curious as to how you would fit "peacock, flowerbed, and predator" into this short story but your effort was seamless. The premise is very funny as well and not something I had seen before. All in all, this was a good read: short, sweet, and to the point. :)
This was very intriguing. It was almost as though you plopped me down in the middle of a story, a fairy tale. It almost had a Hansel and Gretel feel (the witch keeping the children captive in the candy cabin). The sheer pleasantness and cleanilness of the gentleman as well as the apples is what made it a wee bit creepy. Though as I kept reading, I must admit, all I could see was the story of Eve and the Serpent in the Garden of Eden. Very nice.
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