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318 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Trick or Tweet  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peek and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for creating such an awesome story. I could not take my eyes away from my computer; I was too deep into the plot. I really liked your take on the 2012 issue that a lot of people have been talking about. It's reminiscent of the Y2K scare, which I assume was deliberate. You really captured the dependence a majority of people have on technology nowadays. It's scary to think about what could happen if everything disappeared. Two thumbs up for this piece *Smile*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: As I said, I was too busy reading your story to take note of any glaring technical errors except for one: it's always best practice to write numbers out in your stories as opposed to writing numerals. For instance, 4 should be four.

RANDOM BITS: The ending really grabbed me. You did well building up all of the great events which took place after The Attack, only to show everyone's decline in those last few paragraphs.

Overall, I think this is a great story. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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27
27
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for your last line. It tied the whole story together, displayed the narrator's unique voice and personality, and was funny. I really liked this piece of flash fiction. The premise is one I can say I dont see often (if ever). Evil zombie clowns? Yep, that's my cup of tea *Laugh*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: I couldn't find anything wrong in this. I noticed you were relaxed in the spelling and wording in your narration, but that was to give the narrating character a distinct voice. There was nothing technically wrong in this short story.

RANDOM BITS: That clown sure didn't hesitate to spill the beans to the private investigator. Normally, I would say this qualifies as random info dumping, but it was done in such a way that made me think the evil clown told the truth about the circus as a means to mess with the man. Surely, he's not leaving that tent alive...is he?

Overall, I think this is a great piece of flash fiction. I liked it!

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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28
28
Review of The Party Line  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for writing such an AWESOME story about busybodies! I really, really enjoyed this; I can't see how it hasn't gotten more recognition. This story about gossipy women and the unassuming victim-turned-victor was near flawless in my eyes and, boy, was it funny. I have to admit though, I'm really curious about Louis' unspoken deep, dark secret. You certainly know how to hook your readers and leave them wanting more *Laugh*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: In your third paragraph, first line, "house wives'" should be one word.

It's always best practice to write out numbers in your story. You mention a "2nd cousin." I would suggest you write it as "second cousin" (the same rule applies for "7th Avenue, 3rd Avenue, etc.). Other than that, this piece is very well written.

RANDOM BITS: Sadie's revenge made me laugh out loud. She seemed so meek and shy at first.

Overall, I think this is a great short story. I liked it a lot!

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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29
29
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for leaving the ending open; sometimes the mystery aspect of "mystery story" can be destroyed when too much information is given. I really liked how we, as readers, never really know where the woman is or why she was taken. Did she die? Would she be released? Was this a random kidnapping or was someone watching her every move before pouncing on her? There are some questions that are left for the readers to answer, thus keeping the story intriguing and, of course, mysterious. I liked that *Smile*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: You missed a few commas within the story. I find it to be easier to place commas by reading each line out loud and placing a comma where ever I hear a natural pause. For instance, in your first line I would suggest a comma after "victory."

In your first paragraph, you seem to use double adjectives a lot (ex. "large, bald individual", "An evil, sick smile", " a silky, velvety voice"). For me, this back to back description took me out of the story a bit. I know this is flash fiction and you can't afford to get too wordy, however I think you could omit some of these words and still have a strong impact. For instance "silky" and "velvety" aren't that far away from each other in definition. I would suggest you pick the stronger word for the story and take out the other.

"...decorating the figures right ear..."--Here, "figures" should be "figure's" with an apostrophe to show possession.

RANDOM BITS: As I said, I'm aware this is flash fiction, but I personally think this could be worth expanding. You have a pretty good premise here, and there are a lot you can do with it. That's just something to consider *Smile*.

Overall, I think this is a good short story with a lot of potential. With a little polishing, it could be great!

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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30
30
Review of The Tenant of 306  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for successfully warding off any hopes I may have had in getting to know my new neighbors. This story was all around creepy. The bad guy in this piece started of so normal, I just knew he was the victim, not the other way around. Who knew he would turn out to be so unstable? Two thumbs up with this story *Smile*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: For the most part, this story is well written, but there were a few small, easily fixable mistakes.

"...the fresh coffee into it’s pot,..."--Here, "it's" should be "its" to show ownership. The word you used is the contraction of "it is" which doesn't really fit the sentence.

What can't you see about that ?"--There is an unnecessary space between the last word and the question mark.

RANDOM BITS: The really disturbing fact about this story was how it was hinted that Adam had been murdering people for a long time. It's never revealed just how many people were murdered ("It was not like Travis or the others from different cities. It was Vanessa."), but it was clear to me that Adam had serious issues. I really liked how you developed his character.

Overall, I think this is a great story. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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31
31
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for being able to provoke an audible "Aww!" from me by the time the story concluded. This was a really cute story! I really liked the first few paragraphs. They were humorous and realistic. Who hasn't been in public around rambunctious children? *Smile*

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: I actually didn't notice any technical errors. This is fairly well written and I can think of nothing to improve this piece.

RANDOM BITS: Andrew was just awesome. I figured he had something up his sleeve; I really liked his delivery of a romantic evening. Even though his girl didn't like typical "romance", he still found a way to make her feel special. AWW!

Overall, I think this is a really cute story. I enjoyed reading it.

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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32
32
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for your creative analogy. I've never heard of life being compared to a Rubik's Cube, but after reading your poem I can see the connection. I enjoyed this *Smile*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: In line twelve, "your" should be "you're" to show the contraction of "you are."

In line thirteen, you left an apostrophe out of "haven't."

These are common mistakes that are easy to fix. Other than these two errors, your poem is well written.

RANDOM BITS: I'm not much for poetry, however I noticed in this piece some of the long lines made the flow falter on my first read. I was able to pick up a rhythm once I read it over again out loud.

Overall, I think this is a really good poem. I liked it!

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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33
33
Review of Dreamcatcher  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for writing a great piece of flash fiction. I came across a review for your piece on the Public Review page and became curious, so I decided to read your short story. I'm glad I did. I can say this is one of the most original ideas I've seen in a long time. I thoroughly enjoyed it *Smile*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: I actually didn't see any technical errors. This was well written.

RANDOM BITS: The only problem I have with great flash fiction, is that I want the story to keep going. Your item is no exception. This was such a delightfuly scary tease...

Overall, I think this is a great, original piece of flash fiction. I really liked this!

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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34
34
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for making me laugh. This essay was definitely funny and lighthearted. Who knew wearing pants was such a hazard? I enjoyed reading this *Smile*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: Be careful with "it's" and "its." The first is the contraction of "it is" while the latter is the ownership of "it." You mixed the two here:"... its ok you can become a billionaire..."

I suggest you start a new sentence immediately following the phone number in the beginning of the essay. As it stands, it's a run-on sentence since there are two complete thoughts.

RANDOM BITS: The paragraph about the kilts tickled me. You definitely have a way with words!

Overall, I think this is a pretty good, funny essay. With a wee bit of polishing, it could be great!

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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35
35
Review of Love Is Blind  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for sucking me into the story and then leaving me hanging! I wanted to keep reading to find out why Denel was on suicide watch at a behavioral center with no recollection of how she became injured, but you ended with a cliffhanger. That's a pretty effective tactic to get readers hooked. Bravo *Laugh*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: Whenever you have a dialogue tag (I said, she replied, etc.) attached to speech, a comma is required. For instance: "You're at the McHaven Behavioral Center" the woman replied.--Here, a comma would be needed immediately before the ending quotations.

"Where am I?" I heard myself mumbled.--I think you mean "mumble" not "mumbled" since you already used the past tense of "hear."

"Were are here to help you Denel.--I think this may be a simple typing error. I think you meant "We're here" or "We are here."

RANDOM BITS: While I liked the confusing situation the main character found herself in, I didn't fully understand the title and description. I didn't really see any "love is blind" references or twists here. Perhaps this is a snipet from a larger work?

Overall, I think this is an interesting short story that has great potential. With a little TLC, it could really stand out.

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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36
36
Review of The Haircut  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for writing such an awesome short story. I really felt for this little girl and all the trauma her mom caused her due to the child's long tresses. I would hate to think this is based on a true story, but as we all know, some people can be flatout evil. Bravo! *Smile*

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: I could see nothing wrong with this story. It is very well written.

RANDOM BITS: I get the feeling of jealousy from the mother. It seemed the father was happy stroking his daughters' long hair while the mother, at least from what I read, didn't get that attention. While I feel sorry for the father for having such a callous woman for a wife, a part of me wonders about his relationship with his girls. The main character was easily cast aside after her haircut while her sister got the father's favortism. I think both parents are nuts.

Overall, I think this is a great short story.

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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37
37
Review of My Heaven  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for creating such a beautiful and simple idea of Heaven. This poem wasn't laddened down with complex or unnecessary words, it flowed well, and painted a picture in my mind's eye. This is the type of Heaven I would imagine for myself *Smile*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: In stanza five, there aren't any spaces immediately following your commas, thus condensing the lines. I would suggest you place one space after each comma. I'm sure this is a typo, as it wasn't a repetitive mistake. Other than that, the poem is well written.

RANDOM BITS: I really liked how you personalized your idea of Heaven by speaking of your husband. That was a beautiful and honest touch to this work.

Overall, I think this was a delightful poem. It was very enjoyable to read.

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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38
38
Review of Gift of Sight  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for writing such a positive, heartfelt story. Of course, when it comes to religion, a lot of things can be left for interpretation, however, I think with this piece you did well showing the Holy Spirit. I especially liked how John spoke to Martha and sought guidance from the Terath. He was a very humble and wise character. I could not stop reading this.... *Smile*

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: Whenever you use "mom" and "dad" as specific names, they should be capitalized. “Hi Mom,” answered the daughter.

“What is it John,” asked John’s father.---The dialogue is actually a question, so there should be a question mark after "John", not a comma.

RANDOM BITS: I know you indented your paragraphs, however I think it would be a little easier to read if you double spaced between each paragraph. Since readers are viewing this on a computer screen and not on paper, a dense read can be a bit hard on the eyes. This is a personal preference I find to be effective.

Overall, I think this is an enlightening story. With a little TLC, it could really stand out. It was a pleasure to read.

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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39
39
Review of Exposed  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for the message you deliver in this story as well as how you delivered it. Your last few paragraphs (especially the last one) spoke volumes to me. It's really speaks to your level of maturity that you could recognize when your chapter with Ben was over, as well as understand his role in your life. Bravo *Smile*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: I only noticed one thing: By telling him my feelings, however, that’s not what happened we just started an entirely new type of relationship.---This is a run on sentence. I suggest a period after "happened" to break it up.

Overall, I think this is a really good, well written story with a positive message. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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40
40
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for taking the time to tackle the tough subject of reviewing "hard" items. I really liked the light, casual tone to this short work, and it does offer some pretty good advice. I don't know if I could follow that system to the "T", but it seems like a good basis for the general hard-to-review piece. *Smile*

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: “This is a piece of Crap! How could you write This? I expected Better!”---There seems to be some random capitalization here, but given the tone, structure, and surrounding sentences, the capitalization can be seen as a form of emphasis. It didn't distract me at all.

RANDOM BITS: I actually read the first chapter of the lesbian werewolves story. I had to give points for creativity *Laugh*.

Overall, I think this is a really good piece for fellow reviewers. It's something I think we can all relate to. I enjoyed it!

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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41
41
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for tackling my favorite superhero, Batman. It's true the first two films by Tim Burton weren't as dark as the remakes of the 2000's, but I didn't think they were as bad as Batman Forever and Batman and Robin. Those movies left A LOT to be desired. I think you did a pretty good job capturing the voice of the Joker. I loved the line "A maven of the moribund, The Joker closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, savoring the ambiance of retribution." Awesome *Smile*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS:Needing to laugh a little, on the way home The Commissioner --I don't think you don't need to capitalize "the" since it's technically not a part of the title. He's simply the Commissioner. The same goes for the Joker.

disntinguish--I think you meant "distinguish."

RANDOM BITS: I got a little confused when you went from describing Gordon's squeaky Ford to him being in his home. You seemed to skip the journey from where ever he was located at the beginning of the excerpt to his house. I would suggest you add a few lines in reference to either his traveling or the arrival to his home. As it stands, he opens the door to his Ford and immediately finds himself at his front door. It feels like something is missing.

Overall, I think this is a pretty good excerpt. I wouldn't mind reading the rest of your chapters. Good job!

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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42
42
Review of The Rating  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for having an epiphany of sorts and not giving writing due to a bad rating! I know it sucks to receive less than stellar reviews, especially on items you've put a lot of work into, but I've learned long ago that not everyone can or will be pleased. I'm glad you decided to share this with us *Smile*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: The one thing that kept me from really delving into this short work was the punctuation. In a lot of your sentences, you missed spaces after your periods causing the sentences to look like run-ons. In other sentences, you put an unnecessary space in between the last word and the exclaimtion points. These are easy fixes and will allow your piece to read smoother.

RANDOM BITS: I also dislike the "low ratings" but if they come from an honest perspective, then I have no choice but to take another look at the item in question and see how it can be improved upon.

Overall, I think this is a really good piece. It's honest and enjoyable.

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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43
43
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos creating such an interesting take to an old classic! I really enjoyed reading this. I always found Rumpelstilskin to be a little creepy, but I didn't get that feel from this story. It was a pleasant read *Smile*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS:This is fairly well written. I didn't notice any obvious technical errors.

RANDOM BITS: I found myself wondering two things while reading. First, how did this family end up in the attic without the mean, old man knowing about the kids? Second, how old were the children? Obviously, Linda is a child, but she seems a bit more mature to me than an average kid. The son was more believable.

Overall, I think this is a really cute story. It was fun to read!

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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44
44
Review of Demons  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for creating such a dark piece and inserting a glimmer of hope in the last stanza. I really liked that. Sometimes dark poems/short stories can be very depressing. I didn't get that feeling from your poem due to the tireless efforts of your battling angels. Good job with that *Smile*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: Stanza five, line three: "demons" should be "demon's" to show ownership ("...the demon's mighty strength").

RANDOM BITS: Stanzas two and three seem to be a bit repetitive. They are not necessarily worded the exact same way, yet they both give the same message. I would suggest tweaking either stanza to stand apart a little more from the other.

Overall, I think this is a really good poem. I enjoyed reading it.

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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45
45
Review of Former Populars  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for creating such an interesting premise. This story has a lot of potential. I really liked how you took the typical popular girl idea and put your own spin on it. Good job *Smile*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS:The clique, the populars, the it girls, the pretty committee, whatever you want to call them they are everywhere.---Where you have "the it girls", I would recommend either capitalizing "it" or using quotations for emphasis. I know what you are trying to say, but it could be misread. Also, I suggest a comma immediately after "call them" to separate the clauses within the sentence and allow a smoother, more natural read. It helps to read your work out loud and place a comma where ever you hear a pause.

“Are you really serious,” Chloe said laughing--The dialogue is a question, so there should be a question mark before the closing quotations, not a comma.

The girls all ordered their drinks. ---You gave a brief rundown on the girls but where are they ordering drinks from? I suggest you delve a bit more into the enviroment/setting of this piece.

Chloe’s clone walked out a perfectly sized and shaped girl walked out.---This is an incomplete thought. I recommed revising.

Be careful of "it's" and "its". The first is the contraction of "it is", the latter is the possession of "it."

Be careful with your use of proper nouns. They should be capitalized as they are specific names. For instance: technology café should be Technology Café.

RANDOM BITS: This is just a personal preference, but you may want to double space in between your paragraphs to facilitate an easier read. It's a bit dense as it stands. Also, I would suggest you give more description, more life, to your characters towards the beginning so we can fully appreciate the appearance of the clones.

Overall, I think you're off to a good start, but I think this may need a little bit more work. The premise is good, don't get me wrong. With a little TLC, it could really stand out.

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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46
46
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for the trip down memory lane you have provided here. Of course, I'm too young to truly remember these shows and characters, but I did love Laverne & Shirley. This was a fun read *Smile*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: I think a couple of well placed commas could make this short piece flow a tiny bit better. As it stands, the read is fine, but adding the commas may allow for a smoother, more natural read. For instance: When we were done with Howdy a quick change of chanel would bring us to Captain Kangaroo--I would recommend a comma immediately after "Howdy" to separate the two clauses in the sentence. I found reading a sentence out loud can sometimes show you where to place commas; insert them where ever you hear a pause.

RANDOM BITS: You properly capitalized the names of the televisions shows, but I would recommend you also place them in italics. That would help them stand apart from the names of the various characters which are also capitalized.

Overall, I think this was a very enjoyable and truthful read. The television shows you mentioned were way more innocent that what plays on TV today. You did a good job with this.

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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47
47
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for creating a short piece of fiction that kept me guessing. I have a bad habit of trying to figure out the message or twist to a story before I've fully read it. This one, though, I couldn't guess. You get major points with me for that *Smile*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: Be careful with "there" and "their." The first refers to a place, and the latter is the possesive of "they."

In the beginning, I think you meant "eighties or nineties."

RANDOM BITS: I must be honest. While your words kept me from guessing the direction you were taking, I was lost in this story. It seemed a little too rushed. I was really thrown by the sudden appearance of a time machine. May I suggest you revisit this piece and really take your time developing your main character more along with slight expansion of the plot? As it stands, the MC is a wee bit one dimensional, and while the premise of the story is good, there is a noticable plot hole (i.e. the time machine).

Overall, I think this story has a LOT of potential. With a little bit of tweaking and TLC, I think this piece could really shine!

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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48
48
Review of Reflections  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for being able to write such a creepy, yet interesting story in such a short amount of time. You definitely set up a dark, gloomy atmosphere. The descriptions of the apartment and the main character's deteriorating condition painted a clear picture in my mind. I loved the ending; I knew for sure the MC was imagining the whole thing, but you proved me wrong. *Smile*

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: Since you mentioned this is a rough draft, I won't get too deep into the technical aspect of this piece as I am sure you'll do some revisions in the near future. However, I will point out your overuse of commas. I have the same problem, but I learned too many commas can slow down the pace of a story. Whenever you finish a complete thought, use a period. Sometimes, a short statement can help a story flow and keep the reader from getting bogged down with long sentences.

Also, you changed tenses. You started in past tense and moved to present. It's mainly in the first paragraph so that should be easy to fix.

RANDOM BITS: I would love to see this expanded. How did his theory about the "mirror person" come about?

Overall, I think this story has a lot of potential and with a little TLC it could really shine.

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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49
49
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

First off, I must give you kudos for sharing such an incident with us. I'm sorry your son almost gave you a heart attack, but this story was pretty funny. It sure tickled me *Smile*. I shouldn't laugh too hard, though. I can't say I wouldn't have had the same reaction if I came across a nasty bug like that. Gross.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: I know this is a casual telling, but I was a bit distracted by the inconsistant capitalization. Words immediately following commas, colons, or semi-colons don't require capitalization unless it's a proper noun (a specific name). You capitalized a few words that didn't need it, namely in the beginning.

Also, double check "its" and "it's." The first is the ownership of "it", while the latter is the contraction of "it is." You used the wrong one in your first line.

RANDOM BITS: This is just a personal preference, but you may want to double space in between your paragraphs to facilitate an easier read.

Overall, I think this is an enjoyable funny read, and with a little TLC, it could really stand out.

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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50
50
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi! I came across your item, so I thought I'd sneak a peak and offer my humble view on behalf of "The Angel Army" 

A QUICK HEADS UP: I'm not a professional, only a mere writer. Feel free to either take any suggestions I may give or dump them. It's your work, your choice!

Welcome to WDC! First off, I must give you kudos for making me laugh. This piece is very well written and, yes, it is tongue in cheek humor. I'm a new dog lover, so this item hit home. Job well done *Smile*.

Having said that, I think there may be a few small things you could do to improve this piece and make it really pop off the page, or rather, the computer screen.

TECHNICAL BITS: Actually, I didn't see any technical errors. This is well written.

Overall, I think this is a charming piece of work. It was an enjoyable read and I could think of nothing to improve it.

Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

KrisAnn



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