MY NAME IS DUTCH AND I AM HONORED TO REVIEW YOUR SHORT STORY, ESSAY, POEM. I WILL GIVE YOU MY HONEST AND HEARTFELT OPINION. I BELIEVE IN THE RATING SYSTEM. IN MY OPINION, IT IS JUST AS IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING I WILL SAY. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT ANY RATING ABOVE THREE STARS IS ABOVE AVERAGE.
OVERALL IMPRESSIONS:
This is a powerful, Thought provoking, work of art! I am impressed beyond words. This is a poem filled with hope, love, pain, fear and loss. It seems to touch on every emotion there is. It is a visceral poem, that wrenched emotions from deep within my subconscious. BRAVO! BRAVO! BRAVO!
SUGGESTIONS:
You asked for suggestions on punctuation. I am far from an expert on this subject, but this is what I would do: The first thing I would change is to not capitalize every first letter of every first line. I would only capitilize
where it is grammatically correct to do so.
FIRST STANZA: No comma after revealed, I would use enjambment here, (The most distinctive element that distinguishes poetry from prose is the line. By using the line breaks, the poet controls the pacing and rhythm of the poem. The line break may be at the end or pause in a sentence (end stop), or a sentence phrase may run over two or more lines (enjambment). By playing the line breaks against the sentences, the poet can control the flow and tension to provide a syncopated rhythm that brings life to the poem.)
"Born untouched in a world of revealed
fear that murders all sanity."
SECOND STANZA: No comma after confronted. I would use enjambment here.
"I want to be confronted
by this thing called suffering and fear."
No comma after recite.
"I want to speak of words and recite
with knowledge and judgment."
Though both these sentences have subject and verb, and could stand alone, I would use a comma here.
"I want strength to accomplish,
to do all I was meant."
Last line should be (than) rather than then. THAN: Rather than, (show difference or comparison) I am older than. Easier said than done.
""Determined", rather than "foolish.""
THIRD STANZA: I would not use a comma after "eyes" in the first line. Use enjambment here.
"I opened my eyes
and looked at all that I could see."
I would use either a semicolon or a dash after "sorrow"
"My eyes bathed in sorrow (;) or (-)
a blind man with no interesting glasses,
but still, I carried on."
FOURTH STANZA: Third line, no comma here, "footsteps", I would use enjambment here.
"It was then that I realized,
that as I walked on,
unknowingly, I walked in footsteps
where tricky winds had covered them up."
FIFTH STANZA After the word "judgment" I would use either a semicolon or dash here.
"Silence is what really makes judgment (;) or (-)
the naked body is already concealed."
Sixth and last stanza: I would not use a comma after "mind", use enjambment here.
"My puzzled mind
needed to be repieced."
Check on the word "repieced" I may be wrong, but it may not be a word. This line may need to be:
"needed to be pieced."
I would not use a comma after "same".
"I know I don't look the same
as I did when you left me,"
I would not use a comma after "minute".
"I would like to take a minute
to stand in front of you here."
WHAT I LIKED MOST:
The poem as a whole. This was masterfully written. If I had to pick one or two things, it would be: "Like a feather I fell,/ from the wings of my flight./ UN-needed, I was released,/ UN- noticed and unimportant,/ dropping to an unmerciful hell." And, "Without sight, we are all equal,/ and words are not needed to hear,/ for truth lies in our heart."
I could pick out sections of this poem that I liked until there was nothing left!
SUMMARY:
BRAVO! AUTHOR BRAVO! This is a work of art. You opened up your soul to the world and gave us what lies within your heart. Again, I say BRAVO!!!
If you have any free verse (unrhymed verse) or blank verse (unrhymed verse written in meter) this is a good contest to try.
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THE DUTCHMAN. PROUD MEMBER A1 WRITING ACADEMY |
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