Wonderful free verse- Loved the last Stanza, that was my favorite- Powerful and filled with passion. The very last line, to me, speaks of addiction- "A day of mindless repetition, awaiting her return." I can equate this to my substance abuse. A day of mindless repetition untill I could "use" again- this was my only thought. Great Job! Bravo! Sorry it took me so long to get to this wonderful write- been pretty busy. God bless you- and keep writing!
I think you write very well- what takes away from this poem to me are the cliches', "Jump in front of a bullet for you" and "be there for you twenty four seven" These are old and used. You are a good writer and can find your own words- you do not have to use these cliches'. This is just my opinion. Keep writing and God Bless!
This is a good poem- what threw me a little is the rhyme scheme- Stanza one has a little slant rhyme in it that works good, but all of a sudden stanza three seems to have a rhyme scheme that the rest of the poem does not have- A,B,A,B,0,C,0,C- the content is wonderful and wonderfully written- I just think it would flow better one way or the other- no rhyme or complete rhyme scheme- I still think this is a 4.5 poem. This is just my humble opinion. You have a wonderful muse- keep writing and god Bless!
My favorute line: "Without an ounce the serpent is barred, but with a sip the snake is charmed." Wonderful, and powerful stuff! Felt you were speaking about my own plight! Good rhyme- good rhythm- god bless and keep writing
Justine- I am in this class, but I am wondering if these are from another year or another class as the forms do not seem to fit the lessons we are taking- I will go to the class and check for your name. If you are there I aploigize for not realizing this. these were r/r outside of the forum. God bless and keep writing!
Don't know what you are trying to achive here- I am in this class as well. seems like a free form poem with rhyme. That being the case it is a good poem. I like the content and it flows well- god bless and keep writing.
I have no suggestions for improvement- think this is good just the way it is- my favorite line here is: "I want something out of nothing." And I like how you keep coming back to social matrix. Good Job. Bravo! God Bless and keep writing!
I think this is a good poem- considering my own insanity- it worked for me. What did not work for me were the last two lines of this poem- I think you could have ended this with, "We are all insane." Maybe it is the word opulence that bothers me- Opulent: Wealthy or rich- "And the world will burn (with) in bloody opulence," I think there is more poverty than opulence in the world- and still not sure if this word works here! Anyway, just my observation. Great write! God bless and keep writing!
I'd say without- my reasoning would be the amount of me's you already have in this linear decent at the end of the poem- it almost becomes redundent- very repetitive- another me would be over the top. But I do think it works the way it is- Good poem! You've given the poem a rhythm- hence the title "Rhythm" Good Job-God bless and keep writing!
Powerful emotion here- kind of a venting poem. I think you should expand this, could be even more powerful! Even more healing. God bless and keep writing!
very linear- hard to make these work. You did alright. rhyme was there, but in no paticular order. Rhythm was in and out. Think this would be better if less linear! Interesting content though- God bless- Keep writing.
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