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Review Requests: OFF
311 Public Reviews Given
352 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Thorough reviews of flash fiction, short stories, and chapters of larger pieces. Will take a look at spelling, grammar, punctuation usage, plot flow & development, character development, and over-all structure of the piece. It will be honest, encouraging, and intended to teach and coach the writer to improve and continue honing their skills.
I'm good at...
Creating vivid descriptions that draw the reader into my stories. I am a seasoned professional chef of almost two and a half decades. I am great a customer service, and am presently working towards becoming a licensed psychologist. When I am not reading, writing, or teaching, I travel to Renaissance festivals with my daughter, garden, spend time with my fur babies, and volunteer at schools helping tutor children with emotional difficulties.
Favorite Genres
Romance: Contemporary or Period; erotica no BDSM. Contemporary fiction, non-fiction, spiritual, some fantasy and sci-fi. Will also do children's and Young Adult themes.
Least Favorite Genres
I do not care for straight murder mysteries or horror.
Favorite Item Types
Flash fiction, short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poems, Lyrics, etc.
I will not review...
BDSM, Erotica that reads like bad Playboy Letters to the Editor, Vampire themed books, Anime and Cartoon Fan Fiction, Murder and Horror.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 -3- 4 ... Next
51
51
Review of You Are My Dream  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Wow! Can I ever relate to this poem. I woke up one day and found myself in love with a guitar man. Goodness knows how I want him for myself, but as of yet, only Heaven hears my dream. I love watching him play and know that I'm holding his gaze, but when the lights go out... Yet there are only warm hugs and a friendly kiss on the cheek to take home with me. *Frown*
Beautiful poem!
*Heart*Olivia
52
52
Review of Look towards me  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! This seems to be a great idea for a novel. As I'm newly separated and looking towards my divorce in the coming weeks, I'm interested to read the story and learn about what she's going through. I am curious, do you have experience with this story-line, or is it just an idea you are playing with. Good luck and Happy Writing!
OliviaK
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53
53
Review of The Talent Pond  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hey Molls!
Here are the GP's I owe Talent Pond for allanscott
54
54
Review of Megan's Man  
for entry "Chapter 5--Mourning" 
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
The Updated Review Format- Romance House

Title: Megan's Man
Chapter:Chapter 4
Author: AcerT
Setting: Review what you saw, smelt, tasted, heard and touched in the chapter. Was one of the senses missing? Did you know exactly what the author wished to describe? Was it overkill?
Theresa's abilities to create vivid settings is a real gift that I've noticed blossoming over our last year of association here on WDC. Her constant striving to refine and perfect her abilities is quite evident in the growth and development of this novel.
Characters: Discuss the different characters in the chapter, what they looked like, how they acted and how you reacted to them! Did something seem out of place? Let the author know!
Chapter 5 is a busy chapter for characters in Megan's Man. For the sake of the focus, I'll be commenting on Megan and Corey.
Corey is "cornered" by his family over dinner regarding his interest in Megan. Anna's there to affect that little conversation. He shows up at the Evans house after the funeral wanting nothing more than to be able to comfort Megan. Joe is also there which causes a strained undercurrent as he believes he's got a thing for Megan as well.
Megan is relieved that Corey shows up after the funeral. Get's irritated at the glaring across the room between Corey and Joe. Summarily dismisses Corey after she gets her fill of the tension between the two young men.
Referencing: This pertains to the little details in a story...is the Southerner saying "ya'll" or "Hey You!". What is more appropriate? Does the mansion contain a stuffy butler or a long-haired hippy serving up a bit of hummus to guests? This is where you discuss how correct the props and background are to the setting. Dialogue, too!
Great job as usual.
Plot: Review what the plot accomplished during the chapter. Even if you think you know what happened, that might not be what the author intended. Did it flow properly? Did something happen that made no sense?
Corey's family becomes aware that he has a thing for Megan. Megan feels lost after Dirk dies and Dex has his family to lean on but she feels like the fifth wheel. Corey shows up at the Evan's home after the funeral wanting nothing more than to comfort Megan. The jealous under-current flowing between him and Joe short-circuits that effort.
Grammar: Review any problematic, repeating areas here. Look for correct technical usage of sentence structure, spelling, overuse of passive voice, a clear voice of the author and proper formatting.
Nothing noted.
General: This is where you give your overall opinion of the chapter and any fact that requires closer inspection by the author. Always close your review with a word of encouragement...anything is fixable Great job as always. LINE EDITS:

Copy and paste the chapter down here...make comments throughout to point out things you loved, things you hated and things that are just wrong.
Thanks again for the great read-
Olivia
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55
55
Review of Megan's Man  
for entry "Chapter 4-Confessions" 
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
The Updated Review Format- Romance House

Title: Megan's Man
Chapter:Chapter 4
Author: AcerT
Setting: Review what you saw, smelt, tasted, heard and touched in the chapter. Was one of the senses missing? Did you know exactly what the author wished to describe? Was it overkill?
Corey picks Dex up at the airport and takes him home to Megan. We got cigarette smoke, loud music, highly descriptive surroundings in just the right amount.
Characters: Discuss the different characters in the chapter, what they looked like, how they acted and how you reacted to them! Did something seem out of place? Let the author know!
Corey the good friend meets Dex at the airport to drive him home. Under the circumstances avoids telling said best friend that he's hung up on his sister.
Dex, Megan's older brother is coming home to be with his sister after his alcoholic father hospitalized from a heart attack and barely hanging to life.
Megan is in an emotional state as she's been Dirk's soul care taker since Dex left five years previous. She is also all hot under the skin for Corey.
Referencing: This pertains to the little details in a story...is the Southerner saying "ya'll" or "Hey You!". What is more appropriate? Does the mansion contain a stuffy butler or a long-haired hippy serving up a bit of hummus to guests? This is where you discuss how correct the props and background are to the setting. Dialogue, too!
Great job as usual.
Plot: Review what the plot accomplished during the chapter. Even if you think you know what happened, that might not be what the author intended. Did it flow properly? Did something happen that made no sense?
Corey picks up Dex at the airport and takes him to the Evans' Farm where his sister, Corey's love interest is waiting. She serves them dinner and while Dex is showering, the two love birds sneak a little smooching action by the sink.
Grammar: Review any problematic, repeating areas here. Look for correct technical usage of sentence structure, spelling, overuse of passive voice, a clear voice of the author and proper formatting.
Nothing noted.
General: This is where you give your overall opinion of the chapter and any fact that requires closer inspection by the author. Always close your review with a word of encouragement...anything is fixable Great job as always.
56
56
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a lovely purple siggie, T! I couldn't imagine WHY in the world you'd want purple! What were you thinking???? *Laugh* But seriously, Jacinda did a really great job and I love the fairy! If the Divine Miss H saw this... Mercy me, we'd have to have one of those too! The colors are just great. Congratulations to both Creator and Owner on a design so feminine...so purple... It could only be for a Purple Princess!
All My Best~
OliviaK
57
57
Review of Twist of Fate  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Over All Impression-
(What I liked best and least about the piece and why)
Well, what can I say, dear? This piece speaks truth right into my heart about a very close, personal situation at the moment. Almost like you composed this... Maybe as a dyre warning just for me??? Or maybe it's just a rumination of all the things I've shared with you of late. Terrible isn't it? But, I love it so much. I love it because it came from your heart and your muse. Why do I know this (other readers ask)? Because we are the sisters of the Short Story and Novel. Poetry doesn't come to our quills as it does to others.


Plot Summary-

Not applicable




Character Development-

Not applicable




Grammar and Spelling-


Nothing noted!


Write On!- Olivia
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58
58
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This was a great story and I've been interested in reading a few eros written from a guy's POV for a novel I'm working on. So, thanks for the read. It was...interesting.
As a writer my only critique is that you need to break out the dialogue so that it's more reader friendly. That's why I scored the piece a 4 today. By the word count it must be an entry for a contest. If it's over, I encourage you to go back, clean it up, and make it one of the shining stars in you port!
Write On!
OliviaK
59
59
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a beautiful story! I love stories like this. Just wonderful. It reminds me of my Grandfather and the stories he used to tell me when I was a little girl. Completely enchanting for certain! I truly hope you have a ton more of these enchanting tales to tell.
All the best-
Olivia
60
60
Review of I Long To  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Welcome to WDC, Alex! I just wanted to be one of the first to welcome you and to give you a read and review. Please be aware that these are just my opinions. You as the artist are in final control. Thanks for the opportunity to read your creation!

Over All Impression-
(What I liked best and least about the piece and why)
There is some wonderful imagery and emotion here. If I recieved something like this from my man, I'd melt!

What I didn't like
And this is more of a helpful suggestion... There are diffinitive guidelines within the site for rating your items. When you are creating an item there is a hyperlink in blue that you can click on and will give you the perameters for rating your work. You need to follow these because otherwide a Moderator CAN either write you up or delete your item. This really isn't a rated "E" piece. We're talking 18+ here in my book. So, for the sake of letting others read your work...change your rating. I'd hate to see you lose it.

Plot Summary-
A lover imagines holding his significant other for the rest of their lives.

Character Development-
Not applicable to the piece.

Grammar and Spelling-

Very good job here.


Basically the reason for the 4 rating today is that you need to fix how you rated your poem. But other than that. Well done! Lovely piece of romantic prose.
Like I said, welcome to WDC. We're glad you've joined us! Tidy up the rating of your work and Write On!- Olivia
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61
61
Rated: E | (4.0)
Over All Impression-
(What I liked best and least about the piece and why)
This is a very well written piece with lots of feeling and expression. I believe that we've all felt that way at least once or twice in our lives. Whether it's due to someone we're with or want to get with. It all starts feeling about the same.
My favorite part:

A thousand words that in a thousand ways
scream your name a thousand times
yet you never hear a one.

Plot Summary-
Not applicable to the piece.

Character Development-
Not applicable to the piece.

Grammar and Spelling-
This just may be me being OCD, but the capitalization seems a bit inconsistant. I've looked for a regular pattern and can't find one, but then I could just be a little thick at the moment. However, visual appeal is key to retaining your readers attention, so you might give that a bit of thought.

Thank you for sharing your work with us. I look forward to reading more of your stuff! Write On!- Olivia
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62
62
Review of Megan's Man  
for entry "Chapter 12--The Truth" 
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
The Updated Review Format- Romance House

Title: Megan’s Man
Chapter:Chapter 12
Author: Lisa
Setting: Review what you saw, smelt, tasted, heard and touched in the chapter. Was one of the senses missing? Did you know exactly what the author wished to describe? Was it overkill?
The hospital scene was perfect. Liked that one a lot! The senses and emotions were right in line with what I believed that author wished for the reader to know.
Characters: Discuss the different characters in the chapter, what they looked like, how they acted and how you reacted to them! Did something seem out of place? Let the author know!
Megan’s awakened by the nurse to check her condition due to the concussion and made aware that Corey’s there. He happens to be the weight on her stomach. There’s lots of self-deprecation going on in this girl’s head about her feelings for Corey. She’s completely convinced that it’s time to let him go, but torn because he’s right there with her.
Corey has to make a huge stretch and get out on that shaky limb and let Megan know exactly how he feels about her. It’s a struggle, but in the end it pays off.
Referencing: This pertains to the little details in a story...is the Southerner saying "ya'll" or "Hey You!". What is more appropriate? Does the mansion contain a stuffy butler or a long-haired hippy serving up a bit of hummus to guests? This is where you discuss how correct the props and background are to the setting. Dialogue, too!
Great job as usual.
Plot: Review what the plot accomplished during the chapter. Even if you think you know what happened, that might not be what the author intended. Did it flow properly? Did something happen that made no sense?
Waking up in the hospital Megan tries to reconcile herself to the fact that it’s time to let go of the dream of Corey being her man, but he’s there and she’s so torn between both sides of her feelings. Corey struggles to make Megan understand that he loves her and wants to start over with her and make things right. It works out in the end and things start moving forward.
Grammar: Review any problematic, repeating areas here. Look for correct technical usage of sentence structure, spelling, overuse of passive voice, a clear voice of the author and proper formatting.
Nothing noted.
General: This is where you give your overall opinion of the chapter and any fact that requires closer inspection by the author. Always close your review with a word of encouragement...anything is fixable Great job as always. I’m not sure that the post hospital summary shouldn’t be the beginning of the next chapter. But, that’s entirely up to you!
LINE EDITS:

Copy and paste the chapter down here...make comments throughout to point out things you loved, things you hated and things that are just wrong.
Thanks again for the great read-
Olivia
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63
63
Review of Megan's Man  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Title of Book: Megan’s Man
Chapter #: Chapter 11
Author: Theresa



Setting: Review what you saw, smelt, tasted, heard and touched in the chapter. Was one of the senses missing? Did you know exactly what the author wished to describe? Was it overkill?
I don’t think there was a lot of “smell” in this chapter. It seems like the antiseptic smell of the hospital could play a factor for one of the main characters??? Just a suggestion.
Characters: Discuss the different characters in the chapter, what they looked like, how they acted and how you reacted to them! Did something seem out of place? Let the author know!
Corey is overwhelmed by the number of people who are already at the hospital waiting on word about Megan and struggles with whether to leave or not. And doesn’t.
Dex mends fences with Meg.
Anna lets Meg know she’s important to a lot of people. Especially Corey.

Referencing: This pertains to the little details in a story...is the Southerner saying "ya'll" or "Hey You!". What is more appropriate? Does the mansion contain a stuffy butler or a long-haired hippy serving up a bit of hummus to guests? This is where you discuss how correct the props and background are to the setting. Dialogue, too!
Great detail about the hospital folks cutting the gown off Meg…Great thing.
Plot: Review what the plot accomplished during the chapter. Even if you think you know what happened, that might not be what the author intended. Did it flow properly? Did something happen that made no sense?
At the hospital Corey witnesses how many people are concerned about Megan. Anna, Dex, and Corey discuss that Meg may have over-heard Anna confronting Corey about the thing with Sue. He admits to Dex that he crashed at Sue’s but didn’t sleep with her and that he needs to tell Meg that. Dex encourages him to make things right with Meg. When Corey gets to Meg’s room she’s asleep. Corey stays the night with Meg at the hospital.


Grammar: Review any problematic, repeating areas here. Look for correct technical usage of sentence structure, spelling, overuse of passive voice, a clear voice of the author and proper formatting.
Nothing noted.

General: This is where you give your overall opinion of the chapter and any fact that requires closer inspection by the author. Always close your review with a word of encouragement...anything is fixable
Another great chapter here T! The only further suggestion I have here is the part where Anna runs over to Corey at the hospital. I don’t know that the blow-by-blow of how Anna’s handling her dress is really necessary to the scene. IT just struck me a little funny.
Thanks again for a great read!
Hugs!
~liv
64
64
Review of Megan's Man  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Title of Book: Megan’s Man
Chapter #: Chapter 10
Author: Theresa



Setting: Review what you saw, smelt, tasted, heard and touched in the chapter. Was one of the senses missing? Did you know exactly what the author wished to describe? Was it overkill?

This author weaves her story with great attention to texture and senses with just the right amount of description without preaching to the reader.

Characters: Discuss the different characters in the chapter, what they looked like, how they acted and how you reacted to them! Did something seem out of place? Let the author know!
Dex realizes that Cory is the last person he needs to be protecting Meg from. His best friend loves his sister.
Cory is still beating himself up over the thing with Sue and just wants to get back with Meg. His self-deprecation and lack of self forgiveness is standing in the way of him being honest with Meg.
Anna is getting frustrated with Cory and sounds him out at the launch party which Meg over-hears and in trying to “help” she inadvertently sends Meg running.

Referencing: This pertains to the little details in a story...is the Southerner saying "ya'll" or "Hey You!". What is more appropriate? Does the mansion contain a stuffy butler or a long-haired hippy serving up a bit of hummus to guests? This is where you discuss how correct the props and background are to the setting. Dialogue, too!
I really liked the description of the anti-freeze burning Cory’s nose.

Plot: Review what the plot accomplished during the chapter. Even if you think you know what happened, that might not be what the author intended. Did it flow properly? Did something happen that made no sense?

Cory goes to the launch party trying to get close to Meg. He believes she’s trying to hook up with a Grayburg and is getting a little miffed. He hears her make an early morning date to go horse back riding with him and starts hitting the whisky. Anna comes and chews him out and mentions the Sue thing. Meg over-hears and leave the party in tears. Racing down the gravel road, she loses control of her car and crashes into a telephone poll. Cory calls 911 and stays with her till the ambulance gets there, then follows to the hospital.

Grammar: Review any problematic, repeating areas here. Look for correct technical usage of sentence structure, spelling, overuse of passive voice, a clear voice of the author and proper formatting.
Nothing noted.

General: This is where you give your overall opinion of the chapter and any fact that requires closer inspection by the author. Always close your review with a word of encouragement...anything is fixable
Theresa- I love the improvements that you’ve made to the chapter since the last time I read it. Great story, great movement, and I love Corey and Meg. So longing for them to get together and make it right!
Hugs!
~liv

~~~
65
65
Review of Greetings  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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It's PURPLE! How could I have ever guessed???? Our ultimate FAV color in the world! The flowers the color...Just a sweet- sweet sensual image to go in the port of a fabulous writer and created by a fabulous artist! Congrats to you both!
Best-
OliviaK
66
66
Review of Larkin's Cover  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hey T! Beautiful cover for Larkin's Ranch! Double WOW! SonnetWolf has done an awesome job as usual. Just completely powerful visual on this one. The alluring mistique of the fog lingering over the landscape is just perfect beyond words! *Thumbsup**Thumbsup*
Gorgeous!
OliviaK
67
67
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Margy-
I found your port this morning in my new favorite way to read new people. I just have to tell you how much I have enjoyed reading your works. This one especially. My mouth has become dry and I think I need a cool shower to re-adjust for the rest of the day.
This is a really delicious piece. I enjoyed every morsel!
Take care and Please...please-- Write On!
Olivia
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68
68
Review of Ode to Coffee  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Thanks for stopping by my port. I am giving reciprocal reviews. Hope to get a few more in later today! All the best- Olivia K.Homecoming


As I sit here holding my own dear up of black addiction, I can only say: "Well done, my comrade in cups!" The emotion and imagery were right on and I loved every line. I couldn't- Wouldn't change a thing!

Write ON-
OliviaK.
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69
69
Review of Underworld  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Here we go, Anne. The third and final installment for now. Thank you for such a delightful point of view in your stories. I can almost see Mr. Quaintick as a series of shorts aimed at kids grades 3-6. I know my daughter would love them! Congratulations on your Rising Star and Write On!--Olivia

*Flower4**Flower4*Olivia’s Personal ReviewSheet
*Flower4**Flower4*
Title: Underworld
Author: Anne Light
Genre: Short Story

*Check5*Overall impression- What I like and why, and what I didn’t like and why
OH Anne! How wonderfully humorous this piece is! I couldn’t stop laughing! To have that kind of point of view is truly creative! Mega kudos!

*Check4*Plot Summary- My summary of what I got out of the piece. Did it follow a logical flow of events? Did the plot advance the development of the characters?
The narrator visits Mr. Rhet and his wife to see if he can lend aid after receiving and urgent letter requesting help. It turns out that Mr. Quaintick has been enlisted to investigate the untimely deaths of a large family living in the basement of a building.

*Check5*Character Development-discussion of characters observed. Did the characters inspire emotion or feeling in the reader? Did the character’s actions make sense in relationship to the piece?
The Character development was priceless in this piece; tickling my suspicions but keeping me interested enough to keep reading and “swallow the bait whole.”

*Check4*Setting-Review the setting from the aspect of the author relating the surroundings by addressing the 5 senses. Did the description work, or was it too much?
The visuals were wonderful here. Were I to go back and flesh these out for a collection of stories, I would definitely add a little more sensual detail in the sound and odor department. They are also a part of the experience.

*Check5*Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation- Nothing significant noted

*Balloon4**Gift1**baloon4* Wrap up-
Congratulations on being named a Rising Star! You are in wonderful company! Can’t wait to see what you’ll post in your port in `08!
Take care and write on! Cheers!
Olivia
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70
70
Review of Song For My Lady  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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This will be my third and final pass through your port for now. I hope you enjoy all the aspects of being a Rising Star! Blessings! OliviaK.

center}*Flower4**Flower4*Olivia’s Personal ReviewSheet*Flower4**Flower4*
Title: Song for My Lady
Author: Brandiwyn

*Check5*Overall impression- What I like and why, and what I didn’t like and why
What a sweet, hauntingly emotional piece. You completely get the tenderness the man has for his wife although she has left the corporeal form. Great job.
I guess if I had to comment on something I really didn’t like, it would be to say that you could have fleshed (no pun intended) this out and gotten miles from the piece.
*Check4*Plot Summary- My summary of what I got out of the piece. Did it follow a logical flow of events? Did the plot advance the development of the characters?
not applicable to the piece
*Check5*Character Development-discussion of characters observed. Did the characters inspire emotion or feeling in the reader? Did the character’s actions make sense in relationship to the piece?
Not applicable to this piece
*Check4*Setting-Review the setting from the aspect of the author relating the surroundings by addressing the 5 senses. Did the description work, or was it too much?
I got loads of feeling and emotion from this piece. I find it to be very well written and come away feeling that I understand what the author wishes me to know.
*Check5*Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation-
Nothing significant noted
*Balloon4**Gift1**baloon4* Wrap up-
Congratulations on your Rising Star, Brandi! As you already probably know, you are in fine company.
Take care and write on! See you in the scrollies! Cheers!
Olivia
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71
71
Review of A Wife"s Lament  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Cherry!
I really liked this piece a lot. It's deeply steeped in emotion and I get you completely.

The flip side of this lovely poem is silence, diffidence, and completely being ignored. You are left wondering what the hell you did wrong and its not like you're going to get an explaination. You work a full time job, cook, clean, and take care of the kids...All without help. Personal affection? You're kidding, right? A body gets so damn lonely its a real test of your marriage vows. There are days your prayers are more like begging sessions that something will happen and it will end one way or another.

I guess one is as hurtful as the other. Many, many women feel this way. You aren't alone.
Take care and write on!
Olivia
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72
72
Rated: E | (3.5)
Quite an interesting poll here. As many of your options are often interwoven in a story, I would have liked to see a few other topical options listed.

I choose (historic) could encompass: Westerns, Historical Romance, historic non-fiction... All genre that I typically read, but can also encompass other topic choices you've given: Kidnapped by Hot Guy (read several romances where it was set in Old World and heroine was kidnapped by Hot Guy), Old World (reference previous answer PLUS I've read Stephanie Laurens Regency Series which seems to have a little adventure, Murder, and military referencing included), Adventure, and Military (The North and The South).

This poll left me as a voter wondering if the information I provided you was pointed enough to be of any assistance. Maybe provide options with sub-options in the future to allow your voters to feel that they are more adequately answering the question posed.
Write ON!
Olivia
73
73
Review of Shall We Dance?  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there!
I really loved this poll. There was a specific question that you had and the preface to the poll explained what you were looking for perfectly so I knew what to expect. Kudos!

To further answer your question:
If I were available again today, and I felt passionately about getting to know someone I was interested in... I'd so be on the phone right now! Or at least texting a coffee invite if I knew his cell number. I've waited around enough in my life, I'm not up for wasting another day.

Thanks for a great poll!
Olivia
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74
74
Review of Crushes Galore!  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Casey! This is a nice, short poll, but with a catchy little title like that, I'm wondering if you could have taken better advantage of the time it took the reader to "click" on your poll.

There are many, many great questions that you could ask. Such as: 1.) What was the thing that really sparked the interest in the crush? 2.)Was this a person you saw daily, every other day, once a week, monthly, or never knew when you would see them next. 3.) What was the age difference between you and the object of your crush? ---Maybe even put an essay box for sharing the story of a significant single crush.

All these things are incredibly good information to have for writing just about any style of piece with a romantic theme. And great info to have about to lend out to someone who may be looking for some research!

I found it both interesting and a little disturbing that you are doing a poll about having multiple crushes going on at the same time.

Take care and Write on!
Olivia
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75
75
Review of Canal Knowledge  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Olivia’s Personal Review Sheet

Title: Canal Knowledge item#1284305
Author: Acme

Overall impression- What I like and why, and what I didn’t like and why{/i]
What a cute piece! It suggests a great slice of childhood adventure that all great men (and women) need to be reminded of at times. I really liked the part about raiding for cocoa and ginger biscuits.
I don’t think there was a thing I didn’t like!

Plot Summary-
My summary of what I got out of the piece. Did it follow a logical flow of events? Did the plot advance the development of the characters?
Three young men set out on their homemade rafts on adventures in the Pirate’s navy. They eat jam sandwiches and Rum hair tonic. (Wow, anyone got the number for poison control?) Fishing also gets a bit of attention before landing at their destination and seemingly “raiding” the village police station.

b}Character Development-
discussion of characters observed. Did the characters inspire emotion or feeling in the reader? Did the character’s actions make sense in relationship to the piece?
The story was told in narrative form, from the point of view of an unnamed young lad who could not swim and seems to be the youngest sibling. I got some really good impressions from the character enough to assume a young lad.
Setting-
Review the setting from the aspect of the author relating the surroundings by addressing the 5 senses. Did the description work, or was it too much?
Some of the senses weren’t addresses and there’s a wonderful opportunity to do so. I would encourage you to go back and ask those questions. What did they see? What did they smell? What did they hear other than their own conversation?

Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation
You will find my complete suggestions below. Be careful of sentence fragments. Readers typically understand fragments within the context of a dialogue, but they are generally disorienting when included in a narrative.
Wrap up
Nice job! This is a very youthful piece you have written. I’m sure anyone with multiple siblings would love to read it!

Line Edits
I stood firmly to attention with my ribcage jutted out beyond my chin. My stomach compressed against my backbone and my lungs stinging to capacity. I felt ten feet tall and full of pride as I stood shoulder to shoulder with my equally proud peers and watched the launch of the HMS Pirate's Blood.

It was probably the finest craft ever to set sail on the Huddersfield Narrow Canal and it had taken us since Easter to engineer. My eyes were still drawn to the beautiful, lobster blue, nylon washing line that cost a hiding and a ripped pair of shorts to procure.

The line bound the mast to the pallet board decking and stretched all the way up the broom handle to Granpa Jack's blood stained handkerchief. He'd told us it was enemy blood that he'd dipped his hanky in during the war, but Nan had rolled her eyes and said, 'Sure. If the enemy was the fool in the mirror with a cut-throat razor.' Try this: “Sure…If the enemy was the fool in the mirror with a cut-throat razor.”

My two brothers nodded solemlysolemnly in my direction to indicate that I should prepare to test the sea worthiness of the vesselperiod and, Oar in hand, I tentatively tested the deck with my tiptoecomma before Christian laughed and propelled me forward with a shove. I regained my pride and my footing nearly instantly as the raft turned gently and I found myself swaying on top of the oily black water.

"It floats!" Mathias exclaimed, jubulantly.jubilantly

"Of course it doescomma” Christian dead-panned. He threw the little bundle of provisions we had brought at me and took a running jump from the bank on to the raft. Mathias grabbed the mooring rope and jumped on too, causing the Pirate's Blood to dip alarmingly to port until Captain Christian righted us.

Mathias had thoughtfully constructed a little wheel from an old go-cart at the bow to allow me to pretend to steer us and keep me away from the water because he knew I couldn't swim. It meant that he and Christian could get on with the more important jobs; like pushing us away from the banks and steering us safely over reed beds as we looked for opportunities to plunder.

I sat cross legged at by steering post and battered a wasp away from the jam sandwich given to me. I was having a bite to push down every mouthful of rum that was passed my way. It was awful and I could see my brothers wincing at the passage of the spicy liquor down their throats, but we were obliged to do it if we didn't want to get thrown out of the Pirate's Navy. That saidcomma I wasn't sure that real pirates drank 'Bay Rum Hair Tonic' from Granpa Jack's medicine cabinet.

As we negotiated the lock at Slaithwaite I was given hooks to bait while Christian and Mathias argued over whether or not fish existed in the canal. By the time we neared Marsden it was decided that normal fish didn't populate the depths. This was the domain of the terrifying Giant Yorkshire Squid and we should be thankful to not have had a bite for the last hour.

It was getting dark now and I was tired. Mathias gently lifted me from the raft and in to the retiring village of Diggle whilst Christian lead us around the darkening streets.

"Are we nearly home?" I enquired, nervously.

"No whining, now." Christian reminded me. "We could be in Lancashire and you haven't got your passport."

I pressed my lips together, firmly and nodded letting him navigate us past stone houses and gritty mill walls until, finally, we saw the blue light in the distance and all sighed with relief.

The round faced sergeantSergeant at the desk looked up as we came in and then smiled upon recognising recognizing our dirty, urchin faces.

"Put some cocoa on, Sam." he instructed the back office. "We've been invaded by the Yorkshire Vikings again."

"Pirates," I corrected him, "and we need your treasure and your ginger biscuits."



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