You reviewed an item of mine and I am returning the favor. I chose the fifteen for contest. I picked four item and reviewed each one, in no particular order. I did read some of these during the contest, but didn't have time to review them.
Glass
Overall Impression:You used the prompt well and the story is interesting. Humans were forced to build glass structures to live in, because the great destruction. You don't go into what the destruction, but that does not take away from the story. I liked how the story ending; how people were able once again to live free and the these structures were only a faint memory.
Characters:Trevor is the only character gone over. He is in briefly, but it adds to the story.
Dialog:None.
Setting/Scene:The way you describe the buildings and the glass was allow light and air for the people who lived in them.
Grammar/Suggestions:None.
Ice
Overall Impression:Great poem and it is amazing.
Structure/Style:You made an acrostic poem and it follows the rules for it.
Emotion:Loneliness and isolation is what I feel from the poem, but that is my opinion.
Favorite Line(s): Ice of barren land
Calling from an unheard voice
Echoes from Earth's poles
I picked all three, because they remind me of how desolate the land would be.
Grammar/Suggestions: None.
Dragon
Overall Impression:Your poem creates a story about Lady Vera and pocket. They bond with each other, but this creates problem for Lady Vera. She is shunned by her own people and told she must leave. This is a tale of how an innocent young girl is changed to something dark.
Structure/Style:There is not set style mentioned but the poem has four lines to each stanza and a rhyming patter, a,a,b,b etc. It did does well and the rhyming works.
Emotion: Its a sad tale about how a person can become corrupted.
Favorite Line(s): It's a new life, a new way, a new vision -
A new dark beginning for Vera and Dragon.
Grammar/Suggestion: None.
These lines are get way to end a poem and suggest their journey is not finished.
Moss
Overall Impression:Another great poem and it creates a beautiful vision in my mind of the forrest.
Structure/Style:You chose acrostic in this poem, but the first and last letter spell moss and it must have been a challenge.
Emotion:The simple beauty of nature and all the wonders it holds, including moss.
Favorite Line(s): Moss scents the forest where creatures roam
A great line.
Suggestions: None.
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Overall Impression:This is an amusing tale about Wal-mart. A place that can create so much frustration and convenience to its shoppers.
Characters:You have a unique voice in writing and you go in depth in your thoughts, feelings and ideas. This makes the tale so much intersting, it is easy to see through your eyes.
Dialog:Done well.
Setting/Scene:The story about helping Harold, a poor man who is lost in the sea of aislses. It was funny, sweet and real. I like how he got a pinch in, not such a sweet old man after all.
Suggestions:I would go through and re-read it. There are some sentences that could be a little more clearly written. I would also suggest a way to transit from story to story, it would be nice to understand these separate events.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for writing it.
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Overall Impression:You stated your a little rusty, but this story was excellent. I debated for an hour between this story and Figments and it was a difficult choice for me. I still wish I could have picked both!
This story has a great pace. There is a supernatural quality to it and the ending is disheartening. The opening to story was great, it made me laugh and you made clever use of the prompt.
Characters:Grant is a sad, sad man. He has no passion for life and is miserable person.
Dialog:The phone call was eerie and it was if they were watching him.
Setting/Scene:The ending when he looks in the mirror and sees himself. Grant understands that he is the cause for his own problems and deletes himself.
Suggestions:I would go through and re-read it. I couldn't find anything that stuck out, but its always good to give a second read.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for writing.
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Overall Impression:This is a good start on an essay on how you find peace. I would suggest to look at spacing some of the sentences to make it more visually appealing. I would also suggest playing with font, size and color.
Grammar/Suggestions: I prefer something soft. My Shiloh CD works wonders for me.
or: I prefer something soft, my Shiloh CD works wonders for me.
This seems to cleanse my spirit of any lingering negativity (i.e. anger, hatred)
or: This seems to cleanse my spirit of any lingering negativity; anger and hatred.
These are only suggestions and you may use or not, its up to you.
I enjoyed reading your essay and thank you for sharing it.
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Overall Impression:Very demented indeed Angus, but that's your style and I enjoy reading your stories. I find this story drew me, like most of yours do and wanting to find out where you were going with it.
Characters:You draw people in and get them to read and set them up in your trap.
Dialog:Great, I liked the one sided conversation.
Setting/Scene:The description of the poster it is mentioned in the end and is a vital part of the story. A little fore shadowing.
Grammar/Suggestions:None.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for sharing it.
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Overall Impression: This is a unique poem about a dancing at midnight hour with Isis. I like how the story unfolds and reveals bit by about the dance and how it changes the person.
Structure/Form: I would guess free style and the structure works with the poem.
Emotion: One finding joy and being free with a sacred dance.
Favorite Line(s) the chains that bind
my heart and soul
are broken
Emotionaly moving and it reminds of anyone who feels they are trapped and finally being freed.
Suggestions:
I am making a few suggestions on certain stanzas, but remember these are only suggestions and you may use or not, its up to you. After all its your poem.
It is almost time
for my sacred dance
with Isis
These lines work, but I feel that somehow they could have a better flow. For some reason the with Isis comes across a bit choppy.
Taking me by the hand
my Divine Mother and I
dance to the rhythm
The rhythm of our hearts
becoming as one
I would combine these two stanzas, the pause between the lines takes away from the rhythm.
Taking me by the hand
my Divine Mother and I
dance to the rhythm,
the rhythm of our hearts
My heart thanks Isis
as this sacred dance
comes to an end
When midnight returns
we will dance once again
My last suggestion is to find another word for dance. It is repeated often in the poem and I know its a main part of the poem, but it would add interest to use another word.
I enjoyed reading your poem and thank you for sharing it.
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Overall Impression:I liked this story it goes over how Moksha deals with the death of her husband and how she finds the strength to go on.
Characters:Moskha and Mohit come across as a loving couple building a wonderful life. Moskha is well done and you put a lot her emotions and this helped me to connect with her.
Dialog:Done well.
Setting/Scene:This is a great story, but I would suggest expanding it and giving more details. It would be nice to have more scenes between Mohit and Moskha. Adding scenes to show their love for each other and when he is sick. These two will add emotional depth to your story.
Grammar/Suggestions:The suggestions I make our only suggestions and you can use or not, its up to you. I also speak American English and my suggestions reflect that.
Till a few years before, life was a mass of chaos for Moksha.
or: A few years before life was a mess and full of chaos for Moskha.
I found this sentence a little jumbled up.
Nights were full of fear of darkness, and days were living hell.
or: Nights were full of fear of darkness, and the days were a living hell.
Canada seemed the right destination for the couple bubbling with enthusiasm to discover horizons of joy and to work to realize aspirations.
or: Canada seemed the right destination for the couple's bubbling enthusiasm, discover new horizons and to work to realize aspirations.
Despite her dad’s weak sight, they rushed to Toronto winding up their affairs back home in India.
or: Despite her dad’s weak sight, they rushed to Toronto and taking care of their affairs back home in India.
This one was difficult for me. The word winding throws me off and I think you could come up with a better sentence than I did.
It took Moksha another two years to find a suitable job in a business house.
or: It took Moksha another two years to find a suitable job in the business sector.
Moksha followed her up and did the needful to get the same. I would suggest to change this sentence, it confused me a bit.
Moksha jolted out of memory lane by the slamming of a car door.
or: Moksha was jolted out of memory lane by the slamming of a car door.
Mohit's words were like a seed sown in the deeper layers of her consciousness.They echoed through Moksha's consciousness.
or: Mohit's words were like a seed sown in the deeper layers of her consciousness.They echoed through Moksha's mind.
I find using the same word so close to each other can come across as repetitive. I switched consciousness with mind.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank your for sharing it.
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Overall Impression:A great tale about a man who didn't when enough was enough. This does have a small lesson within a story, living an unhealthy life style will shorten your life. I also like how it was not revealed right away that Mina was a robot, my first impression that she was cold and distant. The ending was done well and it demonstrated how people are better than robots, a person would have known to get him medical attention.
Characters:Jorge is well developed and you get to know his many vices. I also like his mom and how she shows how much she cared about him and he should have listened. Mina cost Jorge a lot of money to buy and it seems he wasted his money.
Dialog:Done well and adds to the story.
Setting/Scene:The ending scene when you describe Jorge dead. No one has noticed his absence and the only person who witnessed his death doesn't understand he's dead.
Suggestions:
She held out her wrinkled hand and Jorge helped her trembling body off the bed and gave her a big hug.” I think there may be a small typo here.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for sharing it.
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Overall Impression:I know you only had 300 words for this contest which makes it a challenge to write. Franklin sounds like a horrible person who uses and abuses everyone he can. I like how you developed the story and made it better. It is sad, because the world is filled with Franklins.
Characters:Mary is a great character who is nice, but she has her limits. The sentence you had to use was used perfectly and with the right character. It was a awesome to read how Mary wasn't going to let Franklin use her anymore.
Dialog:Used well.
Setting/Scene:You describe the various ways Franklin has used people before. I would suggest when you can to add more to the situation with the id. I was a little confused how this situation ended with Franklin and Micky in jail.
Grammar/Suggestions:
With short stories like these it can always add to the story when you can go back and expand it.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for sharing it.
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Overall Impression: This poem is a great mix of horror and humor. You describe a vampire who is having a hard time finding a bride, because all the woman he finds are too skinny. Until he discovers a diet group for woman. Here is a finds volunteers who all want to be his bride. Your poem unfolds like a story and it draws you into it.
Structure/Form: There is a set rhyming scheme and you do well with it.
Emotion: A vampire who finds happiness, but the woman he now drains all long for one more bite.
Favorite Line(s): The maiden was too skinny. She lacked the proper care
that provided a good meal of a healthy, bloody fare.
This is a great line.
Suggestions: Any suggestions I make our only my opinion and you can use them or not, its up to you.
The girl he'd thoroughly drained, so he could only dump her;
thus, he dropped the skinny heap in a gully full of larkspur,
These two lines don't flow as well as the others. I would look into changing them. Another tip would be to read this poem out loud and see if every line fits.
I enjoyed reading your poem and thank you for writing it.
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Overall Impression:I have never heard of the book or the movie you mentioned. The title of your story made me curious to read it and you did give some useful information at least for me. I will avoid this movie, but might read the book. A lot of times good books are turned into awful movies.
On parting the one traffic officer remarked “Next time these horses will be shot”.
I had a few drivers and horse owners in mind.
This was a great way to end your story.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for sharing it.
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Overall Impression: This a dark and emotionally moving poem about one who is physically and mentally suffering, but for a reason. Facing every day with physical pain and limitations is something I could not fathom, but you poem helps the reader to understand their pain.
Structure/Form: From what I know its free style and it flows well.
Emotion: This brings out an emotion from me. It evokes sadness and a feeling of helplessness, because I can not help everyone in pain. While our lives go on, others around us around suffering in silence.
Favorite Line(s): If there is a GOD in heaven
then turn me into sand.
This line says so much and sets the tone of the poem.
Suggestions: None.
I enjoyed reading your poem and thank you for writing it.
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Overall Impression:
A nicely done poem about a golden rule in school, never chew gum.
Structure/Form:
This is done in empat for and it does follow the rules. I would get rid of the word but in the one line that keeps repeating, but this could adhere to the rules. So ignore this suggestion if if does.
Emotion:
The frustrations of being a child and the things we are told not to do.
Favorite Line(s): Each September in the Fall season.
"Never ever chew gum in school!"
Great line.
Suggestions:
None.
I enjoyed reading your poem and thank you for sharing it.
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Overall Impression:
This is a great poem about the dark side of love. You describe someone who has betrayed ones trust and broke their heart. I have read many poems about broken hearts, but they are not equal and I like this one.
Structure/Form:
I'm not sure if it has a poetic style, I don't know enough to identify poetry by sight. But this does has a rhyming scheme and each stanza has four lines. The rhyming works and the poem is structured in a way it works.
Emotion:
Sadness, bitterness and anger are a few feelings I get from this poem. When love goes wrong as in your poem you demonstrate a person can feel many things.
Favorite Line(s): Why should I confide in you,
when trust is now the issue?
These two give an idea of where it went wrong.
Suggestions:
None.
I enjoyed reading your poem and thank you for sharing it.
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Overall Impression:I loved this story a woman frees herself from her tormentor. The story you tell is true and their is many cases when the police do not help in cases of abuse. There is quite a examples of where the woman is eventually killed by her abuser. I liked how you repeated I'm Free in the story.
Characters:I love the main character, a person who finds strength to fight back.
Dialog:None.
Setting/Scene:The scene when she shoots him, the fact he laughed made it better.
Grammar/Suggestions:None.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for sharing.
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Overall Impression:This was an good scary story that starts out fast. Elaina gets a phone call from her sister, she goes and sees what she wants and finds a stranger waiting for her. He has a proposition for her, attend seven parties and win a million dollars. Sounds easy and for the first parties it is. The last party brings her to a vampire's house and she slays him. She does get the money but questions if she will get any sleep for awhile.
Characters:Elaina is a nice girl, but I wish there was more about her. It is mentioned that she has three failed horror movies, but not much else. Her sister is a free spirit, but causes her stress.
Dialog:The dialog works when used. It would be nice to include some dialog at the parties. This would be a great way to get to know Elaina better.
Setting/Scene:The parties start of care free then change to a darker tone. It helped add a twist and changed the tone of the story. Each party is at a different location and it would be better if it had more of a description of each.
Grammar/Suggestions:I would go over and focus on the visual details of this piece.
I am guessing her name is Elaina, since dracula called her by that name.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for sharing it.
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Overall Impression:I read this story and it does have some positives to it. I enjoyed the twist ending and the dark secret the town is keeping. There is some areas where it could be edited and at times it lagged a bit. This is a great classic horror story.
Characters:The toymaker and his family are brutally murdered by the town. It would be nice to know how many people were in the toy makers family and a little information about them. Why was the town so quick to pick him out as the bad guy? When the story switches to Kelvin it would nice to add faster why he is in town. Melinda is a great character, a woman who comes across as caring when she is setting up Kelvin.
Dialog:The dialog works. I would like for more information when Melinda speaks about the toymaker. This would a great part to tell more about him, his family and his death.
Setting/Scene:The last part was a great end, not for Kelvin. He is a victim of a strange town's weird tradition. The one scene I wanted to be more clear was the first part. It was hard to follow and a little unclear. I think it would nice to add who is being killed, instead of somebody. Since the toymaker and his family have lived in town most people would know them.
Grammar/Suggestions:I put suggestions above, but the grammar to me is perfect.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for sharing it.
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Overall Impression: You poem about blogging was amusing and interesting. I gave it one star as you directed. I am curious if this was written for a contest with bad poetry. I like the topic of the poem, blogging. You did very well in describing blogging as a physical entity.
Structure/Form: Free style, I think.
Emotion: Fear the blog.
Favorite Line(s): It's large, sprawling and fear inducing.
It reduces the masses to utter confusion.
Yet really it serves no legitimate purpose.
Great line.
Suggestions: None.
I enjoyed reading your poem and thank you for sharing it.
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Overall Impression:I decided to give your port a visit and decided on reading "The Lie". I was curious, because we currently tell our kids Santa is real. The oldest is nine and he keeps asking me if Santa is real, my response is "what do you think?". He still replies that he believes so I was interested to see how this dilemma was resolved in your story. This a moving little story with a great lesson. Santa Clause is created by the love of parents or at least that's what we want to believe.
Characters:Father and son. You wrote this is a touching and a way a person can connect emotionally to the story.
Dialog:Perfect.
Setting/Scene:The story is one scene and the topic is one that a lot of families will face.
Grammar/Suggestions:None.
I enjoyed reading your story (you should put in the description if this from true events, but I am guessing it is) and thank you for sharing. I will remember this when my kids come up to me with the same question.
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Overall Impression:First I want to say I enjoy your stories and this one is included with your other works. I do question if you had word limit on it and for a contest. I would suggest it could be expanded to include some more details about the story. It has a strangeness to me that reminds me of the twilight zone. I do like how the picture was a setup and the main character fell for the trap.
Characters:The main character is a decent citizen who wants to do the right thing. The old man is lonely and has found a unique way to get a visitor.
Dialog:The dialog is short and works. It would nice if expanded to add more details, if the old man has tried before and failed.
Setting/Scene:I would like to have the cottage explained in more detail, but with word limits it's hard to get in depth descriptions in.
I liked the part when he realized he was trapped in a moment of time.
Grammar/Suggestions:My only suggestion is to expand this story when you can.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for sharing.
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Overall Impression:What a lovely essay. You had some humerous times learning about religion when you were young. You wrote this is in a way that was easy to read and I could see it in my mind. I laughed at your answer about who was the first people were. I aslo enjoyed the part when you described drawing a picture of God in green and how it may have looked.
I enjoyed reading your essay and good luck on the contest.
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You suggested I read this piece and it was as interesting and informative as "Do You Know What You Are Eating?" I have heard about poachers but not this "trophy hunters", but they shouldn't be called hunters. My father is a deer hunter and doesn't even agree with game hunters. This places keep the deer and feed them, they become used to people and it's very easy to shoot them. He says any animal that you can go up and pet, shouldn't be hunted. It is a sad world when animals are used for such horrible crimes. I don't care for dog or cock fighting either.
My one suggestion is to check this sentence out. I think the word and doesn't seem to fit, but this is only my opinion.
Though his job is to prohibit the practice of selling exotic and endangered wildlife, their babies, and he doesn't stand a chance.
I enjoyed reading your writing and thank your for sharing it.
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