Overall Impression: Not only did this story draw me in, but for a moment I forgot about the outside world. This was a well done story and it was heartbreaking to read. This is a horror story to me, because there are real children who suffer in abusive parents everyday.
Characters: Greg is well developed character that shows the effects of his environment. His mother is also done well and she is never in the story, but you find out about her through Greg. The whole family is gone over and you explain the family dynamics and how this family is falling apart.
Setting/Scene: The scene where Greg is forced to eat sweets until he is in a diabetic coma is disturbing. His parents are not only abusive, but deadly and it makes the story more intense. I like the last part where the children get together to leave the home before their mother wakes up. This part shows how at least for a moment the kids can be there for each other making life a little easier to bear.
Dialog: I usually don't critique dialog and I am not going to here. The only suggestion is the use of the word biz, it may be slang but its comes across as odd to me. But I may not be familiar with that slang term.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for sharing it.
Overall Impression: A great poem for Halloween and reminds me of that time of year. The rhyming scheme works and I would suggest adding the poem format below the poem. This helps in others reviewing the poem, but I understood the rhyming scheme is ABAB (but correct me I am wrong). Generally the poem flows well and is reads smoothly.
A few tips, the second verse drags a little and a hunger is repeated. My suggestion would find another word to describe it. I did a spell check on my review and the word travelling and childen came up as misspelled so I would go over your poem with that in mind. So read your poem out loud and make sure the lines sound fluid and everything is spelled right.
My favorite verse:
If Hell's dogs don't eat you, the travelling witches may...
They've worked quite hard on their deathly toxic brew
Haunting voices call for the childen to come out to play
Chances of survival quickly dwindling to only a mere few.
I enjoyed reading your poem and thank your for sharing it.
Overall Impression: This review will be short since the story was done so well and I greatly enjoyed it. The only suggestion (and is it irony that you recommended it to me?) is that it would nice if the paragraphs are double spaced. I think its hard for anyone to read with the all words so close together. Which reminds me to go back and to check if I have done this on all my items. Back to the review:
Character: Joey is a great character and I agree with Santa he has some issues. Santa is done well and I liked how he came into this fight well armed.
Plot: Boy taking on magical creatures one by one, Santa being the first.
Setting/Scene: I find it hard to pick out one scene I like more than the others. Although the last part when he is talking his friends is a little confusing, but it shows that there is something very wrong with this boy.
This was a fun Christmas story and I enjoyed reading it. Thank your for sharing it.
Overall Impression: This is a well done short story and I enjoyed reading it. I found it humorous how the doctor never speaks and the main character figures things out just by talking.
Character: The story is very short, but you still get an idea of the characters main conflict. Not telling his parents about his sexuality. This secret is burdening him and may be the cause for his need for therapy.
Setting/Scene: Therapists office makes sense. My favorite scene is when he starts talking about his New Year's resolution and leaves the office to accomplish that goal. This is relate-able to anyone who has made a resolution and guilt because they have not done anything about it. It's a reminder that if we are going to make a goal that we should go through with it.
Grammar: Nothing here.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for sharing it.
Overall Impression: This poem was interesting to read an I learned something from it. Before I did not know what TL;DR meant. I made guesses but I was completely wrong. Back to the poem I also how the poem was written and I wonder if this is a certain poetry style or wrote the poem create a shape. The subject of the poem is written in a way that the reader can understand your point of view. I also agree with live in a fast paced world where you must grab a readers attention quickly if you want them to read on.
My favorite lines:
I realize in a blink
you must be brief
or else you are
only talking
to your
SE;LF.
Overall Impression: This story was a little confusing to follow at first, but I read over it a second time and became an easier read. There have been many stories written that are vague and hard to follow, but this story has the write balance. A little mysterious but not to the point the reader is completely lost.
Character: Kostas character is dying and the reason is never stated but I would guess AIDS on the fact dirty needles and blood transfusions is mentioned. His imaginary friend doesn't seem nice and in the end he is death guiding Kostas to his own. Both characters worked well and they came across as yin and yang, two opposites in nature. This to me helped me to understand each character better.
Setting/Scene: Hospice and that fits for the story. The scene where he tries to call his mom back his makes the story more real and tragic. The last line of the story where she finally calls him too late adds so much. These two parts add a feeling of regret that so many people carry. The scene where he dies is done beautifully and Kostas dies in peace.
Plot: Dying man gets an imaginary friend, although I wonder how long Kostas and Tod were connected. That is the only part I questioned and it would make sense that Tod appeared more recently since he is death.
This story is well developed and I could not suggest changing one word. I enjoyed reading it and thank your for sharing it.
Overall Impression: Great short story and it says so much with so few words. I understand that some contests limit your word count. The story goes over if Alice never went to Wonderland how it would effect the various characters.
My favorite part of the story: "Green!", she cried, "Green! Not brown, purple or white!
Only through Green can I see what is right!"
I enjoyed reading your mini story and thank you for sharing it.
Overall Impression: The name is what I drew me into reading this poem and I like the fact that it was darker than I first thought it would be. I also like the way you phrased things to bring out your point of view. The idea of someone telling us one line and the truth being different.
My favorite verse:
You can hear what we are saying,
but dismiss us as fools.
This poem makes me think of politicians, telling us a lie to hide us from the truth dismissing that we are intelligent enough to understand.
I enjoyed reading your poem and thank you for sharing it.
Overall Impression: This is a humorous short story and a delight to read. I tend to read horror so it is nice to get a break and read story such as this.
Character: Tim is written well and so is the relationship between him and his wife. The cats seems cute and how could a cat not be?
Setting/Scene: The opening scene where Tim and Jules are talking says a lot about there characters and the plot too. My favorite is the last scene as you understand that Jules understood the whole the whole situation, but decided not to say anything.
Grammar: Almost perfect, but I found a few sentences that may need a little editing. I put my suggestions in blue.
" I'm grieving Tiger," he said petulantly. "I'm grieving Tiger," he said petulantly.
"Either way, see she get out-or you can do the grocery shopping" "Either way, see that she gets out-or you can do the grocery shopping"
He threw a look of disgust toward the cat a look! He threw a look of disgust toward the cat, a look! or,
He threw a look of disgust toward the cat!
Jules insisted that they keep her, her reason was we were talking about getting you another cat anyway. I do not know what to suggest, but something about this sentence seems off and a little awkward.
Tiger has only been gone six months. Women they soon forget loved ones and get replacements fast enough wonder if she replaces me as quick. The last part seems like this an eternally spoken so add some punctuation to show this or add a comma?
he saw Snooks hanging on for dear life at the top of his wife’s prided palm tree.
I was a little confused here. The cat may have other nicknames, but I would stick to Sparkle to make sure no gets confused.
This was fun to read and I enjoyed reading your story.
Overall Impression: This would make a good first chapter I was drawn into the story. I will admit that it started to drag right before he got to the inn, but the it picked up again and the last line hooked me to read more. So if you have more written just email me and I will read that too. Or I can check your port and see for myself as I am interested in what happens with Roland.
Characters: The main character and everyone he interacts with is described well enough for me to see them in my mind. This is a plus for any story. The character Roland threw me off by his name, I am a big Dark Tower fan and I had to remind myself it was not the same Roland.
Setting/Scene: I was drawn into the world you created and it was described well. The way you described Pinewell and the wall surrounding it was excellent. No problems here either.
Dialog: Adds to the story and no need to fix anything.
Plot: This is the first chapter and I can tell that there might be future conflicts, but this chapter seemed more focus on character development and setting.
I enjoyed reading the first chapter of your novel and hope to read more. Thank you for sharing your first chapter.
Overall Impression: Incredibly descriptive poem that moves along a story. The way your lines are done it describes a hunt from a wolves point of view. This is done well, but I have noticed two things about this poem that you may want to consider. First having a line with a period in the middle of it seems odd to me, when I read poetry it is line by line and putting a period makes the momentum of the poem halt. I would suggest a comma and make reading it easier. But this is only a personal opinion and I have had an anonymous review tell me on every poem needs punctuation, I will never do this.
The other is that all your verses have six lines, but one and this makes the verse with only three lines stick out. I know this poem is free verse, but normally when the rest of the poem is done way it seems odd when sticks out like this one.
The pack following me, I could hear their panting wanting to kill, to eat, and to savor the blood of our prey.
We are getting closer. My teeth snapped at one of the pack members, who were getting ahead of me.
He sank back with the rest of the pack. No one is this pack can under mind my authority.
or
The pack following me, I could hear their panting
Wanting to kill, eat and to savor the blood of our prey as we are getting closer
My teeth snapped at one of the pack members
Who were getting ahead of me
He sank back with the rest of the pack
No one is this pack can under mine my authority
I rewrote the verse to make six lines, but I would go over again because there is some awkward wording. Read out loud and I bet you will see what I am refrencing too.
I enjoyed reading your poem and thank you for sharing it.
Overall Impression: Moving poem not just about getting your heartbroken but still trying to understand how you could move on. The first verse threw me off and the structure is not done as well as the rest. Poetry needs to be read easily and have a fluidity to the lines. The last three verse were done in this manner, but I almost stopped reading in the first verse.
Brown eyes that cheered my bleakest, bluest days
Are gone. Now only darkness meets the haze
The words "Are gone." stops the line in mid-sentence and for me doesn't work. But this is your poem and if you like it this way than do not change it. This is how I felt when I read it and you can completely disagree with me. But even changing the period to a comma would make a read pause not stop in reading this line.
The words you use work the emotional impact the poem portrays.
Overall Impression: This short story is emotional with a lesson about losing loved ones and learning how to accept death. This story is emotional, but I would suggest going over and checking for small issues with sentence structure. Over all the grammar is done well (but this is not strong point in my reviewing).
She looked at her reflection in the dead man’s fully covered helmet. Her stone cold features betrayed none of the roller coaster like emotions she was going through.
I picked these two sentences because I find the first part tells and the second part shows. This is only a suggestion, but I would combine them.
Character: A girl dealing with the aftermath of war, but this is very short so the character is limited in development. I am not sure if this was for a contest and if you were limited to a word count, but I reviewing it like you were.
Setting/Scene: A bloody battlefield covered in bodies to be identified by loved ones. Dramatic and works for the story. The scene when she realizes her brother will live in her memories is emotionally moving.
Plot: There is no explanation of where, why or when this war occurred, but that is not the important part. This story is more focused on the main character dealing with tragedy. This works for the story as the emotional journey of the main character is the focus.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for sharing it.
Overall Impression: The poem works on many for many different reasons. The poem may be in free form (if I am wrong I suggest putting poem format at bottom of page) but having the verses contain the same number of lines works very well. The topic is also wonderful and make some great points. This poem reflects the all the emotions a soldier will face serving their country.
The only line I think may need to be altered is:
“Please don’t treat us as done soldiers passed”.
The phrasing seems awkward and not up to the level of the rest of the poem.
I enjoyed reading your poem and thank you for sharing it.
Overall Impression: This is a poem and done very well too. First the poem comes across as free style and the line structure is done well. The message is clear and carired throughout the whole poem.
Favorite line:
Yet the things of this world are TEARING us down
Least favorite line:
Something more beautiful, something better, something bigger
The line I picked as favorite is effective in giving this a visual aid. Second the only reason I picked the one for the least favorite is the lenght bugs me and when reading through does not transition as nice as the others. This is only my suggestion switch to three different lines or seperate into two.
I enjoyed read your wonderful poem and welcom to WDC
For this review since you have a quite a few limericks here I will add the limerick and review each one individually.
1.DRUIDS AND PRIESTESSES
I found this one humorous since the Priestess had to admit that she was not pure. It would be nice if this was a little longer and a few lines describing the Priestess and the relationship between them and the Druids. Also a line of why her purity was questioned would make the limerick more of a story and pull the reader in.
2.THE SINS OF THE RICH
Lord Fanshawe seems to have a problem that a lot of rich do that they over indulge simply because they can. The issue of gout is a funny, but painful medical problem created by one's own diet. There is one line that I do not like and it does not sound as fluid as the rest;
Which caused him to scream and to shout.
or
Which caues him to scream and shout.
or
Which causes him to shout a lot.
I read the limerick out loud and that line doesn't sound right. These are just ideas and this only my oppinion and yours outweighs mine since it is your creation.
3.A BLAMELESS LIFE
This a good reminder to people about living life instead of just existing. The title throws me off a little and I would change it to reflect someone lamenting about a life they lived without having any fun. Just like the last there is one line that I find does not sound right when read out loud to me.
and not had much fun.
or
and had not much fun.
and never had any fun.
and having not much fun.
The line seems forced and does not have the easiness as the rest of the lines in the limerick.
4.HUMPTY DUMPTY
This a funny limerick about a version of Humpty Dumpty the highlight is stating that this man was an egghead which makes more sense than a large talking egg with legs.
5.SPOOKY
This is my favorite and reminds me of a haunted house. I can not think of one thing to change with this limerick. Great job.
6.ANOTHER DOORWAY
This another reat limerick and each lines flows to the next one with ease. When I read it out loud the lines work together and sound great all together.
7.EXISTENTIAL PHILOSOPHY (1)
This limrick to me makes me see an old fortune teller whose crystal ball is broken. Not sure if this what you had in mind, but that's what I imagined. This is another of the better limricks and is my second favorite next to Spooky.
8.EXISTENTIAL PHILOSOPHY (2)
This limrick is the most uplifting and the message is a positive one. I like this one and this a great for anyone feeling frustrated by life's obstacles that they can be overcome and your goals can be obtained.
I enjoyed reading all of your limricks. This is nice to read and an art that a lot of people do not participate in and after reading yours I can see why you enjoy writing them. Yours are done very well and if I found any issues with them it was only one line with the entire limerick and that is reassuring. I only made suggestions where I thought it would help make the item better.
Overall Impression: This is a quick poem that is done well but. . . . personally I wanted more and reading it the end came too quickly. There was a start to understanding the feeling to the poem, but the build up was stopped by the quick ending. The language who use works very well for setting up a beautiful scene and I enjoyed that.
Favorite line:
A graceful, porcelain hand moves across the fields,
Least Favorite line:
none-they all worked well on their own and together.
To sum up my review I would suggest adding more lines.
I enjoyed reading your poem and thank your for sharing it.
Great poem illustrating a woman driven to be perfect to find that it dose not make her happy. The verses work and the each line gives a little more information and works together as a whole.
Overall Impression: Heart felt story about a troubled relationship between a father and daughter. There is a twist in the story that her father saves her life in at the end in a grand loving gesture. A little sad, but generally the ending makes the story uplifting. This story does need some work and the length of it quite short for everything that is gone over. The first suggestion is to dump all the "&'s" in your story the symbol looks cool, but not correct. One sentence has a huge spacing issue and I think you will notice it right away. The pace of the story is very choppy and jumps from scene to scene with no smooth transitions.
Characters: Jennifer is developed, but the pace makes character development difficult. The father is gone over more than Jennifer, but supporting characters seem easier to develop than the central character. All I can say about Jennifer is the story needs more of Jennifer. Her mother dying is mentioned but not when or why these are important to her character because this event would help shape who she is. I would more interactions with some supporting characters and lengthen the story so that there is a build up to the ending.
Plot: The plot makes sense for the most part and is emotionally driven. The issues with an acoholic father and dead mom are not new, but with character development and the twist in the end you will be creating something new. The one part that does not make sense is the part in the hospital, how can one doctor say she is fine and another states she needs her lungs replaced. How did her lungs get damaged in the accident? Were they damaged before, but no one knew until she was hit by the car? This seems a little to easily written and does not quite mesh. My suggestion is that there was something wrong with her lungs, but the car accident helped the doctors to find the problem. So if she never got hit by the car the issue with her lungs would have killed her. Second look up medical issues with lungs certain diseases that are hard to detect but can kill someone. Do research even doing a quick search on the internet can help make your story more real. Then look up information on lungs transplants and recvoer time and even trauma after being hit by a car. Head trauma is a big one along with broken bones.
Dialog: The dialog is done well and it would be nice if there were more to the story before the accident. Does Jennifer have any friends? If so even a phone call between the two could help develop her character.
This part of the dialog just does not sound right to me.
“My name’s Dr. Tony. Here go, both your legs are broken—they’ll heal. By all accounts, you’re fine. Dr. Torres, however, has a different diagnosis. Says your lungs are badly damaged. That’s the reason your chest hurts. She predicts a transplant. Maybe one, maybe both, so…we’re keeping you for observation.”
I went over the story and did not see at one point where she complained about her lungs hurting. This part comes out of nowhere and does not add up. I know there is a part that she states that she hurts all over, but anyone would after being hit by a car.
Now that I over loaded you with all this information I hope to take another look at your story. This item needs work and I hope you take the time to edit this story.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for sharing it.
Overall Impression: First I would go over this story and edit your work. The way it is written is a little confusing and maybe check into how to write dialog. Also the paragraph construction is a little odd too. The story has potential, but tragically because of the way it is written takes away from the emotional impact.
Plot: Two people meeting and falling in love and eventually one dies, but that love continues on with the survivor. Good idea, but the emotional impact is greatly lessoned by the writing. The plot is pushed forward at a very quick pace and you get a lot of information all at once.
Characters: The main character is not developed at all other than you know they are a gilr and they fall in love. Her love interest is developed a little bit, but neither character gets a name. Constantly using "he" disconnects the reader from the character.
Dialog: One tip change to paranthesis the way it is written down now I found myself confused when a character was speaking or thinking back to a time of them speaking.
Example:
I said: hey prince charming thank you for being my knight in shining armor.
Since the story is done in first person I believe you do not have to add in "I said"
OR
"Hey Prince Charming! Thank your for being my knight in shining armor."
General Issues: I understand that this story is intended to be a flash back, but the writing structure would not change. Also a lot of the story is told not shown. What I mean when you go back and work on this I suggest to take a moment close your eyes and see the story. Remember use your senses; sight,sound,touch,smell and taste. This adds depth to your story and helps the reader to understand your vision.
Any story that starts with the word "it" bugs me and not sure why. Here is a suggestion on changing the first two sentences.
It had been 15 years since I last saw him.
It feels ages since I last saw that heart capturing and a million dollar smile.
or
The last time I saw him was fifteen years ago. I still remembered his (insert name)million dollar smile that captured my heart.
This is only personal oppinion and my suggestions are only to help your story become stronger.
I enjoyed reading your story and I hope you work on this story. You have a good start that could become a wonderful story.
Overall Impression: After reading your poem I find myself conflicted in rating and reviewing this poem. Individualy there is some wonderful lines, but as a whole I find the poem confusing. Some verses seem to reflect on the past and others on the present, but not much of a connection between the two. There is lines questioning the fear of being a failure except I did not get that sentiment from the whole. I do not know your motivation or what you wanted to come out of this poem and maybe the confusing nature of the poem was intended.
These are my favorite lines:
Fate moved me into married life
and
for life is false at all levels -
These are my least favorite lines:
It let my eyes open wide.
and
none ready to choose me.
The lines I that are my least favorite are only mentioned, because they feel awkward and feel choppy.
I enjoyed reading your poem. Thank your for sharing it.
Overall Impression: First off I would suggest if this was a flash fiction contest entry or any other type of contest that limited your word cound I would mention it in the description. The reason when members read your story they would understand why the story is short and so much information written. Now that's out of the way I wil state that this is an interesting story that could be extended. There must be a small crew or that captain would spend most of her time in the bedroom. The twist that during these encounters they are physically inspected is a great twist. There is a lot going on for a the length and opens more questions than answeres them. I would suggest if you like the story go back and add details to it. Describe the ship more, why he is on the ship and what happens when you fail the inspection. The other twist is why the captain never ages is a great mystery that could be solved too.
I enjoyed reading your story. Thank you for sharing it.
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