Your piece has potential and could with a little attention be better. The use of capitals makes your piece feel like its shouting at the reader. The lack of punctuation hides how you feel about what you wrote. There are some misspelled words, they tell me that you were in a hurry and didn't proof read your work. the first two lines are wordy and could be improved. you wrote :"THE ROSE WITH BLACK PETALS, NOT AS BEAUTIFUL AS RED, YELLOW AND WHITE ROSE." with a little change : The Rose with black petals, not as beautiful as red, yellow and white.
The next line you wrote " BUT UNIQUE IN IT'S OWN WAYS," Again with a little change: unique in it's own way. and so on This is just a suggestion, remember this is your piece.
I'm not sure what the rules for your poem were so its hard to judge. There wasn't much rhyme or rhythm. Some of the contest rules can be restrictive. Nice try.
Your poem is interesting and I have a question. instead of a question why not a definition? Like:
independence
something money can bring
winning a war, a hynm we sing
A country we can call our own
something deeper, feeling within the soul
Questions lack a positive feeling, it feels like your not sure. Just an idea, its your poem.
Your piece is so true. I think if you spent a little time with the piece you could come up with a great poem or short story that would be helpful to the readers lucky enough to read it.
Good poem! The read would be better if you would break the poem into stanza form. There are also some line that are a little too wordy, like
the first line " I Stand upon the heights and walk among the clouds" It could have been written like this, Stand upon the heights, walk among the clouds.
I would have maybe used a semicolon ; instead of a comma, and from the semicolon aligned the long sentence to maintain poem alignment. Just an idea, remember it's your poem.
" my wits are all that's left to me;
I'm near my journey's end"
Interesting poem. The content is a little dark for me. The poem is well written and some how leaves me wondering if there is more that should be added.
Your piece is disturbing and leaves me wondering what you did to her. There are several words missplled. The rhythm and meter are non existant, maybe this is a prose. The content of the piece is dark.
Your poem is sad and somewhat dark. I would suggest that finding a way to end this poem on a happier note would help. Your poem may read better if you broke it up into stanzas. The seventh line " and no one notices I fall" did you mean Notices when I fall?
I think you have a good start on this poem but it needs a solution. If this poem is really how you feel, you need to find a friend or get some help. Life is too short not find a better attitude of happiness.
Your poem is a little wordy, just my opinion. The first stanza. " This is a poem of my love in the New Orleans streets. It moves me. You are there, I am here." If we get rid of a few words and change a few I think it helps the flow of the poem a bit. Like: A poem of my love in the streets of New orleans. It moves me. You're there, I'm here.
There is more that can be done if you agree, if not; its your poem any way.
A very nice poem. The subject interest me to. Time and the lack of control we have over it. I saw a few things that might make your poem flow even better than it already does. In the second stanza the third line, if you omit the and it reads a little better, likewise the second stanza last line. Just a suggestion, its your poem and a good one at that. The only question I had was in regard to the second line, did you mean to write "Is steady not"?
Chuck
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