Such a sad story, but yet a happy ending as well. He was given a second chance to make a difference, which he used wisely. He may not have saved his sister, but he did safe a little girl. The similarity in the names made it eerie, but not unbelievable (I think if they would have been the same it would have been just too much - it's a whole lot better the way you did it).
I also liked the suspense you built, flashing between the times and the detailed description of the scenes. The last line was perfect - a very light touch of humor to brighten the story just a tad. Very, very good job.
This story gave me chills because of the magic of it all. And not a magic as in fantasy world, but rather a real world where our perception is changed by the unexpected. I love how you included a touch of humor in this piece, but didn't go overboard as to turn it into a complete comedy. Rather you made it light, fun, and overall a great read.
I don't see one single thing that would need to be changed in this story - it is perfect just the way it is! Wonderful job!
You did an excellent job with this song, and the flow is just amazing. The meaning behind it was awesome as well, and very truthful of the way our world is today.
My absolute favorite line - "and lovers wink with ever lying eyes." Love it!!
One minor mistake I caught:
((sometimes I want to close this eyes of mine))
I think you may have meant "these" instead of "this".
Great job and good luck with the tragic poem/song contest!
With a title and description like that, how could I resist checking this story out? It was every bit as funny as I thought it would be, and I could see both characters interacting with each other clearly. Excellent job!
Just a few very minor suggestions, take them or leave them.
This line here seems a bit long to me, but that's just my opinion:
(( She told me not to touch the lamp that my sister Jan had left behind when she moved over to Uncle Jack's house in Atlanta.))
Quite a large chunk to read, but I'm not quite sure how to trim it down. Maybe breaking it up into two sentences or more, first telling your sister had moved, then the instructions from your mother. Again, it's only a suggestion.
(( sister in law))
I believe this should be "sister-in-law". Very minor.
I like the bare bones of this story and the message behind it. Quite bold of an ending, actually, and something I wasn't prepared for. You have the makings of a really great story here. I also liked this particular line: "The bus pulled into a place that looked like Jellystone National park with Yogi and Boo-boo raiding the trash cans." Perfect description of the camp!
The following suggestions are only my opinion, and are meant to help. Please only take what you want and disregard the rest.
The story itself seemed a little forced to me. I felt there were areas you could have described better and drawn out, while other parts seemed too wordy. I would have loved more of a descriptive scene of what the councilor found (as morbid is that is, but it builds tension).
These particular lines may need to be reworded:
((Then, she gave every one a tour of the camp. Then, one of the cheerleaders, Bonequesia, Escorted them to the dorms. ))
Repetition of "then" trips up the story a bit. Also, I don't think "Escorted" should be capitol.
Keep working on this piece, you have a really great story started!
What an adorable story! I loved how your main character is a small child, and we get the chance to see into her thoughts and fears of the "chocolate bunny monster". The set up was great, and her emotions were very real. This was just an excellent take on a common Easter treat, and I really enjoyed the story.
I see absolutely nothing that needs to be changed here, it's perfect the way it is!
I just love how you took a real life event and turned it into an interesting story, which was how you came to have this particular pet and how he got his name. Very cute! I also liked the twist at the end, and the way the dog was a comfort to you. The picture was a nice touch so we could see this special furry friend.
Excellent job with this story - it was gripping and suspenseful, and had me hooked all the way to the end. Every piece of it was a surprise, clear up until the end when they locked her up by mistake. Although logic gets in the way, just slightly, as to how they could mistake her as someone that had escaped. With a little more detail, that might be easily cleared up, but that's just my opinion.
One tiny error I found here:
((Her grabbed her by the front...))
Short, sweet, truthful, and so very powerful. EXCELLENT job that doesn't need any more least it ruin the meaning of it all. It's just amazing to me how sometimes the shortest pieces can have the greatest effects, such as this poem does.
You packed quite a story into under 300 words! My only wish was it for to be a bit longer, but I know for this particular challenge it can't be. Excellent job with the prompt and creating a nice story! I hope to see more once the challenge is over, and more of a story built up between them and why they do what they do.
Beautifully written poem in a unique rhythm. The best poetry comes from those who "color outside the lines", which you have done here. The image you painted is wonderful, and I really enjoyed this. Especially the breaks where you used different words to say "walking in a dream".
How true these words are, and how little we take the advice. Falling into habits of relationships we lose ourselves so easily. Love how you've laid this out in these words. The flow is nice, and I like the set up as well. I'm not always fond of free form poems, but you did a nice job with this one.
Interesting lyrics...I always love pieces that make me think. This one does just that, and I had to sit and think about the meaning behind it a bit.
The rhyming scheme is interesting, and switches up a bit. Not to say that's a bad thing, it's just different. It seems to work well with this piece, and your flow is nice.
There were a few words I felt were slightly forced, or added just to make it rhyme. I know I get into that habit myself sometimes, losing the meaning of the words just to make a rhyming scheme fit. The first part is great, but as the song goes on it gets a little forced. Such as "pattern" and "lantern"...I don't know if patter fits so well there, but that is only my opinion.
This is an excellent poem written very well. I love the emotion behind it, and the pain is very real. Powerful, to say the least. There's so many lines that were excellent, I couldn't possibly pick a favorite. The idea for it, in general, is what makes it so great. How you described dying at 5, and the child that could have been being no more. EXCELLENT!
My only suggestion, if you chose to take it, is to break up the poem into stanzas. Although I wouldn't want you to destroy the flow of the poem in the process, so that is completely your call. The way you have it flows well, but it's my opinion there could be some breaks. Either way, it is a great poem.
What a cute poem about an image you'd want someone to save in a picture!
Love the line - "I have some of each one of them inside to guide me". Isn't that so true with everyone? It's a nice reminder how easily they are influenced.
The flow in this piece is nice, and I didn't stumble on any lines. Great job!
My only suggestion is trimming down the lines a bit, but that is your call. You have a nice poem here that I wouldn't want to see edited to death.
Great story and take for the POV contest. I like how the mirror was special, and showed things other mirrors did not.
I was confused at first which prompt you had taken. Actually, if not for knowing of the contest, I would have probably been more confused as to what the MC really was, since we mostly assume it's human (except in fantasy stories, of course). It might be beneficial to mention early on that the POV is from the mirror in her purse. Although I can see you wanted to build it up a bit, so it's your call.
I like the point of view you took with this, like a one sided conversation from only one character's side. It's an interesting read and funny as well. You also did a good job of telling the story with just one character. If there would have been conversation from the other side, it would have been really wordy. This was just right.
Very powerful story which I enjoyed. I liked how you put the focus on the emotions behind the situation and not the actual actions of it all. It would have been extremely difficult to read, and I think we all can get the picture without it.
The only part I was slightly confused about was why the boyfriend was already in the house in the attic without her. Maybe a quick line somewhere would clear that up, such as "she had to get in the house, where she knew her boyfriend was waiting." That's only a suggestion though.
Good luck with the contest today, but don't forget your word count or it won't get counted.
Beautiful love poem that's nicely written with a lot of passion behind the words. I feel it's a bit sad as well though, as if these two are in love but still hurting.
The flow of the poem was nice, although there was a few lines I stumbled on. I do like free form poems, but if a rhymes are present in some areas and not others, it throws it off a bit for me. It seems as if here the first few lines were meant to be all free form, but then a rhyming scheme started almost by accident.
What a cute poem, and so true! My children aren't quite teens yet, but I can still relate to this piece. They are slowly taking over the house and I know it.
The flow was great, and I enjoyed your rhyming scheme. The only place I got a bit tripped up was on this line:
((Nothing was sacred, not even my space.))
I found myself asking what "space" in particular.
Thanks for the lighthearted poem - it made me laugh!
Love where you took today's prompt for Daily Flash Fiction! The twist at the end was fantastic, how he forgot his wife in the process. The way you described just how they were breaking his habit of smoking was wonderful as well.
What a great story about your trip to Rome! The opening line had me hooked, and kept me interested all the way to the end. One mishap after another makes for a very funny story. The ending was also fantastic, but it's too bad after all that work and how close you were, you still gave up and got the taxi. Still, pretty funny!
(( I would like to be able to report that we initiated these steps with grace and aplomb. I would also like to be Peter Pan. ))
I love this poem for several reasons. For one, the flow resembles that of my absolute favorite poem by Robert Frost (how odd I was just reciting that to myself a moment ago!).
It has a wonderful story written beautifully about finding the tower, with an adorable ending. That last line just ties the whole story up, and makes you say "YES! I LOVE IT!".
Free verse doesn't always flow like it should, but this one does quite well. I enjoyed your rambling thoughts and could see the changing thoughts as the poem went on. Working out your own issues through use of words on paper is always beautiful to read.
Beautifully written poem with much emotion behind it. You did an excellent job of bringing out that moment where we want to move on, but find a hard time doing so. To give a prayer without any specific religion noted was a very nice touch, ensuring that almost everyone can relate in some way.
"As evening shadows dance" was my favorite line. Very beautiful.
Great job and write on!
~Dawn
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