I'm assuming this is only half finished, since I'm not really seeing the purpose of the story just yet. You have done a good job of setting up the story, though, with a somewhat odd character (9:05 a perfect time?). I would like to a see a little more into her though, as in what she thought as she woke up for the promotion (it wasn't immediately known if she was looking forward to it or not, and it seems a bit contradicting. Why would she get ready so early if it was a boring event she didn't want to go to?).
I think you have a good start, but there needs to be a LOT more to the story, which I hope you finish.
What a sweet story! I absolutely loved how you made the main characters animals and created a heart warming story around them. So cute!
No real errors jumped out at me, and it was a pretty smooth read. There might have been a touch of repetitiveness, but that could have been just me. Overall I think it's a wonderful story that you set up and ended well.
I like this piece for the educational value it holds, since it helps us better grasp the meaning behind a holiday all of us in the USA are familiar with. I would say it lacks an interesting story line, but that's not the purpose of this piece at all. I'm a bit of a history junkie, so I really did enjoy it.
Thanks for the factual account of Thanksgiving as we know it!
Interesting story about a vagrant and how what we see about people is not always accurate. The story took an unexpected twist that was exciting to read.
In my opinion the ending may have been wrapped up a little too quickly. To say you were in awe and wonderment was good, but I'm thinking there might have been a little more there. You did an excellent job of building up the character and your own motives though. Keep in mind that's only my opinion.
Your story gave me chills! I love the way the story was changed at the end to include not only the original tale, but your own first hand experience as well. The detail of the story wasn't bad and you included quite a bit, but I would have liked to have seen more (hair color and description of the people, for example).
At the beginning you made it pretty clear something bad would happen and a certain person wouldn't survive, but you still managed to shock the reader at the end with a new twist. Excellent!
The flow and pace of the story was pretty good, but it gets held up in some places with extra words that you may not need. This sentence, for example, may need a little work:
((But what he was absolutely sure of was that no more than five seconds after the Caddy took off, it suddenly swerved on the slick blacktop, made a three-hundred and sixty degree donut, and smashed head first into a telephone pole, killing the driver instantly.)).
"It suddenly" tripped me up a little, and almost sounded repetitive because you had said it was no more than five seconds after it took off.
The above is no more than my opinion, and you have the makings of a great ghost tale here. I found it interesting you wrapped up multiple urban legends into one!
Nice job with your first 100 word story! You did an excellent job of writing the scene of a woman ignoring the drought 'rules' to not turn on the sprinklers. No matter if we agree with her choice or not, we can at least relate to her rebelling in some fashion.
No repeated words that I could find, so I wish you the best of luck in the contest!
I like the way you've made a story with this poem, and spoke so truthfully about love and life. Your rhyming scheme was good for the most part and the flow was not bad, although there were a few places I felt the rhyme was a little forced. That's just my opinion though.
LOVE this story! Not only did you succeed in telling a story in exactly 100 words with no repeats, but it was a FANTASTIC story at that! I just loved the idea of a distraught husband willing to jump so she can find someone to give her a baby, only to find out she IS pregnant. AWESOME!
No repeats that I could find, but you might want to add a few commas within it to make it flow better (that is only my opinion though).
Awesome 100-word story that's so fitting for the month of October. I loved the last line the most - it was a perfect ending which aren't always easy to do.
I will admit though, I was a little confused as to who was convicted. Was it the main character or a lying priest that pinned the murder on him? I know it's hard to fit a full story into 100 words, so what you have is pretty darn good!
No repeated words that I caught, but I wasn't looking too close. Best of luck to you in the contest!
I liked where you took this vampire story and how the main character felt in the presence of someone they admire. That aspect sets it apart from other vampire stories you see, which is good. I love variety!
Sometimes I'm not fond of "it was only a dream", but this time it actually make the story better, since it was a desire playing out in the form of a dream. And the way you ended it was also good, using different words instead of "then I woke up" or making it painfully obvious that it was only a dream. Instead you just hinted, also making the story unique.
Very powerful poem about how destructive one life can be to another. The ending set off the whole meaning of the poem, so it is the last few lines I like the best.
The flow of this piece is absolutely beautiful, and I enjoyed the imagery from beginning to end.
I love how you've described all of humanity in this simple yet well written poem. Asking questions we try to avoid, yet should be on everyone's mind. I also liked the title and choice of words to describe humans - a "dented crowd". Very unique.
Awesome job with this humorous story about carrots. I think we can all relate to this story with our own most hated food - I don't think anyone's most hated food is anything but good.
Great job following the guidelines of this extremely hard contest. I didn't find any repeated words within the story, and the flow of it was excellent (I've found some of the no-repeat stories to be slightly choppy at times).
How adorable is this story! While I felt bad laughing at times, I felt bad for them at times, too.
You did paint a rather amusing picture of the race. The ending prize - kept secret until the end for a good reason - was rather ironic. Great story, I hope it won!
Oooo good story using just dialog! You followed the prompt very well with horror and the idea of the guy about to get killed. The only thing I felt it lacked was more description on the death (as gruesome as that sounds). It was left a bit "open" if you know what I mean, although that's not always a bad thing. But here I think you could have added to it. I'm not sure if there is a limit to the word count, but after the contest maybe you can add to the story.
Such a tragic ending, yet it's not an ending at all. It continues on, with a lost soul, who won't accept their own death. It did get a little confusing near the end, but the pieces fit together once I thought about it. I loved the twist to the entire thing, and how it's really her she's talking about.
I would have liked to see more behind the "why" she thinks she's someone else though - maybe who she wanted to be? Or maybe herself before her parents died? Something to ponder anyway.
I've never seen this form of poetry before, so the lesson at the end was much appreciated! You did an excellent job of following the format, and the words were beautiful. Describing cloud watching and what you may see brings back fond memories for us all, I'm sure, and I am no exception.
I especially liked the line "Swift as heartbreaks" to describe how quickly the clouds change. Very beautiful!
I loved the message behind this poem, and the fact it was based on a real article. Very interesting! You did an excellent job of creating a panic out of the situation of snakes on the lose, as it's something many people fear (I am one of them!). I also liked your description of where these snakes are hiding. Great job!
The flow was interesting, but in my opinion just slightly choppy. Of course that is just my personal opinion, and you should always write in your own style.
Nicely described piece with a lot of emotion behind your main character. I can see her, alone, waiting for the man she loves who never arrives when he says he will. This simple act means so much more, and you've done an excellent job of pulling out the pain surrounding the event.
The ending was good, but I will warn you it took a few minutes before the ending sunk in. I didn't understand at first, but then I saw what her "plan" was all along. Clever, actually, but I might suggest it be a little more clear.
Great job and best of luck in the Twisted Tales contest!
I loved the idea for this story - very unique having dragons "pick" their partners in a bond that is life-long. It turns into a heartwarming tale of a dragon who picks the first girl, making it a truly special tale.
You did a great job staying within 300 words for the contest without losing any of the story in the process. I know sometimes what we need to say doesn't always get said within the limits, but you did a great job here.
I found a small typo here: ((...a unique connection that both had been born with and that both would die with,. ))
There's a comma at the end where there shouldn't be (I don't always see these in my word processor either).
Great story and write on!
~Dawn
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1426476 by Not Available.
This felt almost like a prose to me rather than a story, but it was good just the same. One of those pieces you have to read a few times and let sink in just to grasp the meaning of it all...which I LOVE. Anything that makes me think and has a deeper meaning (such as this) is awesome in my book.
Really I see this as someone going crazy with something major they are trying to hide, somewhat unsuccessfully. I would love to see more on this piece, that is of course if it wouldn't destroy it. Proceed with caution on that suggestion.
Fantastic job not only writing an interesting story in 100 words, but not repeating one single word twice. I looked pretty close, and couldn't find a single flaw. I never guessed the MC would be a dog until the end, so great job with that was well.
Not only did I laugh all the way through this, but I was just AMAZED with the detail and devotion put forth with this piece. The flow on ALL the pieces was amazing, and I loved the bits in between with the chats with "Sis". I have no favorite lines, because they were all so great. I also learned a few new types of poetry, so really this just goes above and beyond wonderful.
The life of a camera, very interesting! I will admit, I did guess what it was before the end of the story because it's pretty obvious with the actions it does ((Click click. What a beautiful picture! )). But you did a great job of capturing the emotions of the camera and how it feels when it's not in use. Which I can image what a lonely life it would be, only being brought out for a short period of time.
This is such a powerful poem that takes us into the mind of a soldier. Even without being there I can feel the emotion behind the action of killing, the smells, and the fear. You did an excellent job of rolling out the scene within the poem with a very nice flow.
There's nothing I would change!
Excellent job!
~Dawn
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dawn99/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 10:03am on May 04, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
