Brian, Thank you for putting into written form thoughts I have had. I can't watch news. Try to get the snippets to keep from isolating, but I don't want to feed on the sensationalized, horror-filled media circus.
Girlinwhite,
Thank you for sharing your prose. This piece caught my eye. I have been a nurse for over 30 years. My first full-time position was night shift on a ventilator unit where most of the patients were comatose. I wrote about it less positively than your piece in "My Time with the Undead" over in my port..
Thank you for sharing this well-written, brief and uplifting piece.
Write On!
Deb
off and running on a Saturday, but this caught my eye.
I appreciate the contemplative tone, sorrow, loss, seeking for that which is lost.
I have no suggestions.
Thank you for sharing...
stop by my port sometime, too. Your feedback would be appreciated.
Write On!
Deb
Disclaimer: This is my opinion. I hope it is helpful to you. Thank you for sharing a part of yourself in this work
Title: Apropos to the poem
Form/Style: This rhyming poem is a suitable form for the content.
Tone:
Imagery: I am moved by the description of the poem (a foggy morning) and the imagery of the oxygen tank, the brown chair/lair, the wrestling with loss.. well written.
Flow/Rhythm: I found the rhythm irregular which caused the reading of this poem to be a little choppy. If intended, it works with the subject, as I can imagine breathing rather erratically while tears slip out and loss is fully allowed to be experienced.
Rhyme: Again, it is irregular. In the stanzas which use rhyme, or near rhyme it is fine. Like a poem I attempted, as the emotion rises, the need to rhyme falls away. Is that perhaps what happened in this piece?
Word Choice/Spelling/Punctuation: No suggestions.
Emotional Chord Struck: I feel the deep sense of loss, the precious memories of footfalls, laughter, voice, and the hollow silence of absence. I am very moved by this poem.
Overall: Thank you for sharing your grief, for expressing it and entrusting it to this community to read.
Write On!
Deb
want to let you know, I appreciate this free verse poem.
Can't give it a thorough review...
writing a homework assignment, and I took a break to check my newsfeed and notice of this update was in the newsfeed.
I resonate with the ripples ever expanding away with our memories... vanishing into forever...
But a prompt can bring them back.
I like it.
Write On!
Back to homework for me...
Deb
DISCLAIMER: This comes to you as a reader would see your work. I have only my opinion to
> offer. Sometimes I might find a bit of your work I thought that I might express feelings
> about. If it struck a chord etc. If there should be such an entry under 'EMOTIONAL
> CHORD STRUCK' that is just my feelings and not meant to hurt or take liberty with the
> author's work.
>
>
> TITLE: Apropos to the subject of this poem.
>
> IMAGERY: Descriptions of the mess this world is in are spot on!
> EMOTIONAL CHORD STRUCK: Were it not for hope, this poem would have my hiding under the bedsheets... glad there is hope. We know the end of the story.
>
> TONE: Bleak news all around, this poem hits it on the mark.
> SPELLING ERRORS: Line 2 violence is incorrect. No other errors noted.
>
> FLOW: Choppy, or perhaps, pause, express thought, pause... which is consistent with some ramblings, as this poem is described. That said, the flow is what it is.
>
> OVERALL: Not a happy poem, but it tells it like we know the world to be at this time. At least one view of it, and I am certain other poems by the poet share another view.
Sum1
I wanted to give you a review as way of a thank you for the encouragement you are to all of us to give reviews!
Thank you,
As I looked through your portfolio the military poems caught my eye.
I was deeply moved by this poem of remembrance of the old veteran's friends. The sacrifice offered by men and women all over the world is immense! I am having trouble finding words to describe my response to this poem.
The word choice, imagery and flow are all good.
I have no suggestions.
Thank you, again, for sharing it with us at WDC.
Write On!
Deb
Sanctuary,
My therapist shared with me that his wife taught him that home can and should be sanctuary.
Your description is illuminating.
Thank you for sharing.
Write On!
Deb
Personal Impression: Reflection is a well-expressed illustration of the results of one's life choices.
Tone & Mood: The first stanza leads the reader in gently, then the full intent of the poem bursts upon the reader.
Rhyme, Form : Rhyme is somewhat random so does not add to the poem, in my opinion. The free from style this poem is written in is appropriate to the subject.
Emotional Impact: I was struck by the harsh but true picture of the consequences of our choices, and the hope we are offered in the last stanza to see and to change.
Grammar/Punctuation: No errors noted.
DISCLAIMER: This comes to you as a reader would see your work. I have only my opinion to
> offer. Sometimes I might find a bit of your work I thought that I might express feelings
> about. If it struck a chord etc. If there should be such an entry under 'EMOTIONAL
> CHORD STRUCK' that is just my feelings and not meant to hurt or take liberty with the
> author's work.
>
>
> TITLE: I live on coffee. You grabbed my attention, and this title is perfect for this poem.
>
> IMAGERY: Your descriptions of the attack are spot on, vivid.
> EMOTIONAL CHORD STRUCK: I recently revisited memorial pages, as we have just passed the 14th anniversary of 9/11, this poem captures the hand on the mouth speechlessness of those moments, hours, days.
>
> TONE: appropriate to the subject. The reader is reminded that for so many their world really did end.
> SPELLING ERRORS: none noted
>
> FLOW: This is a free verse poem, but randomly you rhymed which was actually not helpful to the reading as my mind began to expect, look for further rhyme. I would suggest consider, only considering, changing a few words to eliminate the hint of rhyme.
>
> OVERALL: Well articulated. Thank you.
Carly,
Thank you for sharing this poem.
It fits the definition of a Tyburn poem, and effectively draws a scene of cold, dark winter's night. BRRR!
You used the form well, however, I found all -est's felt slippery, on my tongue as I read it.
I think it might be more effective with some variation of superlatives?
This is simply my opinion, and as I wrote earlier, you have effectively communicated the scene of the poem.
Enjoy the exploration of Poetic Forms!
Write On!
Deb
Personal Impression: I am reminded anew of the basic truth of "slow and steady wins the race" (succeeds)
Tone & Mood: Straightforward, even stoic, with little hint of mood beyond the word "happinesss." This is not a criticism. It simply reads as a wisdom proverb. Not unpleasant
Rhyme, Form & Flow: A Naani form poem, well executed.
Emotional Impact: N/A for this reader.
Grammar/Punctuation: I would perhaps use comma'a and a period to pace the reading of this poem.
DISCLAIMER: This comes to you as a reader would see your work. I have only my opinion to
> offer. Sometimes I might find a bit of your work I thought that I might express feelings
> about. If it struck a chord etc. If there should be such an entry under 'EMOTIONAL
> CHORD STRUCK' that is just my feelings and not meant to hurt or take liberty with the
> author's work.
>
>
> TITLE: Appropriate to this poem
>
> IMAGERY: Vivid: transparent gold
> EMOTIONAL CHORD STRUCK: N/A
>
> TONE: Perhaps the imagery of gold, and conclusion: treasure lends it the tone of majesty to this reader's ear.
> SPELLING ERRORS: none noted.
>
> FLOW: Smooth
>
> OVERALL: A well written cinquain form poem which is a reminder of the value of something overlooked and wasted in some parts of the world, and rare in others.
DISCLAIMER: This comes to you as a reader would see your work. I have only my opinion to
> offer. Sometimes I might find a bit of your work I thought that I might express feelings
> about. If it struck a chord etc. If there should be such an entry under 'EMOTIONAL
> CHORD STRUCK' that is just my feelings and not meant to hurt or take liberty with the
> author's work.
>
>
> TITLE: Suitable to this Acrostic Poem
>
> IMAGERY: Disheveled, and glided are nice contrasting visual imagery.
> EMOTIONAL CHORD STRUCK: I felt the shame? embarrassment? early in the poem, and the self-confidence at the conclusion. Well done turn about.
> SPELLING/Grammar errors: I believe a comma after "disheveled" and "then" would work better than a period.
>
> FLOW: As I read this Acrostic I found it choppy with the periods, but I think commas would smooth out the reading.
>
> OVERALL: I liked this poem, a story in miniature, and I applaud the heroine and her confidence!
Thank you, Story Master, for the reviewing tips.
I plan to incorporate them in upcoming reviews.
It was especially helpful to be reminded to tell the writer how their piece makes me feel, and to keep the review balanced with positive and negative comments.
DISCLAIMER: This comes to you as a reader would see your work. I have only my opinion to
offer. Sometimes I might find a bit of your work I thought that I might express feelings
about. If it struck a chord etc. If there should be such an entry under 'EMOTIONAL
CHORD STRUCK' that is just my feelings and not meant to hurt or take liberty with the
author's work.
TITLE: Appropriate title for this poem.
IMAGERY: vivid, especially moved by the image of a flat line.
EMOTIONAL CHORD STRUCK: Sadness, as the poet is bereft, then, just slightly envigorated by the closing strength to carry on. Alone.
TONE: mellow, melancholy, appropriate.
SPELLING ERRORS: None noted. I do believe the apostrophe after "thru" is unnecessary.
FLOW: A comma after "or" in the last stanza would help the flow.
OVERALL: Well thought out, well written poem with some nice plays on words and imagery (horizon/ flat line/ ekg/flat line? )
Write On!
Deb
I am drawn to the form of Acrostic poems.
I found this poem after I read several of your Acrostics. Each was well done,
as is this poem about fools, sitting between two stools.
The thoughts on fools, and the irritation they cause is well expressed in the poem.
The illustrations, and word choice are appropriate, as is the title.
DISCLAIMER: This comes to you as a reader would see your work. I have only my opinion to
> offer. Sometimes I might find a bit of your work I thought that I might express feelings
> about. If it struck a chord etc. If there should be such an entry under 'EMOTIONAL
> CHORD STRUCK' that is just my feelings and not meant to hurt or take liberty with the
> author's work.
>
>
> TITLE: Perfect lead in , perfect for this poem.
>
> IMAGERY: Each stanza painted a picture, a situation, visible to the reader's eye.
> EMOTIONAL CHORD STRUCK: I was moved by the many ways the poet developed the central theme of love and connection.
>
> TONE: Deeply affectionate.
> SPELLING ERRORS: None noted
>
> FLOW: Beautiful, pleasant cadence.
>
> OVERALL: Thank you for sharing heartfelt thoughts in a beautiful poem.
Write on !
Deb
SodaSaya,
Thank you for sharing this poem.
The Title works well for this piece, I appreciated the simile between the main character and the moon near the end.
Though it has irregular meter, the lines being different numbers of syllables, they are rhyming.
I found that this poem read well, smoothly despite the differing line lengths.
The message strike home, I too, have written about hidden sides, apparent sides not matching the insides of a person.
I hope you are pleased with expressing these thoughts. They are painful and daunting, but you have expressed them here.
Do continue to write.
I have no suggestions for this poem.
Deb
Brian,
I was introduced to this "letter" today, and I applaud and encourage you!
A letter to myself could echo most of your thoughts, ideas, and plans. (Save the PT for injured Rotator Cuff, ouch!)
My injured parts are more in the line of arthritic knees, and recuperating from bilateral carpal tunnel release surgery with an aggravated arthritis in my writing thumb, also Ouch!
You have written in great depth about the regrets, losses, missed opportunities of the past. But I appreciate the plan to change, from today (when this letter was written.) I hope your plans are going well.
Why is it so easy to lose good habits: regular exercise, morning page writing, staying in touch with loved ones.
And So Hard to get them going again?
Thank you for sharing this letter, I have no suggestions, so this is not as much review as simply my personal response.
Write On!
Deb
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