You have an interesting start to your story.
I know you said that this is just the beginning, but before you go too far, you may think about the formatting. It is hard to read and differentiate thoughts and paragraphs when it all runs together. You might consider putting a blank line between each paragraph so that readers will be able to distinguish them.
Your story starts off with dialogue, which is good because it gets the reader involved right away. However, since this is the first time you are referring to this child, you might call him by name instead of the vague term “the younger Reynolds boy”. That way your reader will know who you are talking about the next time he is in the story. You could combine “the younger Reynolds boy” with his proper name, if you want. Otherwise, you may call him by name later and your readers will need an explanation of who he is again since they were never properly introduced.
Near the end of the first sentence you wrote: “…wiped his face with a his father’s handkerchief.” There is an extra word in there and it looks like it is the “a”.
In the second sentence the father is speaking to his son. The way you word this is a little awkward. “…his father Sam told him.” Since the first sentence was the boy’s question and this second sentence begins with the father’s answer, you could simply say “his father told him” and then include the father’s proper name in the rest of the sentence where he is talking to himself. Now, imagine that you are the parent of this child and you’ve been traveling on the dusty path for who knows how long. Your child is bored, tired, hungry, thirsty, and hot. When he asks how much farther, are you just going to tell him an answer? Most likely you would comfort, cajole, or encourage…you might even sigh, commiserate, or sympathize. A sample revision of this sentence could read:
”Still a week’s trip before we get to California,” his father comforted with a sigh, looking towards the horizon. Scanning the cloudless blue sky, Sam muttered to himself, “And no relief in sight.”
This way you have included emotion, set a mood for the opening of your story, given us some insight into the kind of man Sam Reynolds is, alerted us to where the wagons are heading, and told us that the wagon train could be having trouble finding water. That’s a lot of information, but all of it is important for you to get your reader’s attention and keep them reading.
The next two sentences can go together in the same paragraph. In this brief portion of your story you have referred to ‘Big’ Bill Schuller by his full name, by his last name, and by the name Big Bill; most of the time it is Big Bill. Decide which one you are going to use and then stick to it. Otherwise it gets confusing for the reader to keep the characters straight.
In the second statement made by Big Bill there is an extra word: “A little water for would be good, too.”
In the sixth paragraph (starts with “Ain’t gotta…”) you wrote: “Schuller replied, stepping down from his steed.” Can you make this a little more vivid for us? I can imagine Big Bill sliding down from the saddle or swinging himself from the back of his steed, his spurs jingling softly as his boots hit the parched ground or something like that.
In Big Bill’s last statement in the dialogue of the sixth paragraph he talks about the town of Prairie View. Prairie is misspelled there.
In the seventh paragraph: “…a different family and its favorite possessions…” This sounds rather awkward as well as impersonal. “…a different family with their favorite possessions…” warms it up a little and draws the reader into the story emotionally instead of presenting them with simple facts.
At the end of paragraph seven Sam is reflecting on whether or not he had made a good decision in bringing his family West. This would be the perfect time to give us some background information. Why was Sam from? Why had he decided to bring his family West? How many children did he have? Did he have to quit a good job, leave a nice house, and leave family behind? Did he have to sell possessions to get the horses and wagon they needed? How did his wife feel about the trip? Had they had hardships along the way? None of this needs to be lengthy or intensely detailed, but a little bit would be nice so we have some insight into the reasons Sam is on this trip with young children. Assuming that Sam is going to be a regular character in this story, your readers will want to know these details about him.
You might start with something such as: As the wagon train began to move again, Sam looked back at his son, and found himself wondering if this trip had been such a good idea. Willy (or whatever you will name him) had been an active, energetic little boy when they set out from Concord, but sitting in the wagon now, his skin was parched and stretched taut over his high cheekbones, and his bright blue eyes looked sunken and glassy. From there you could go on to tell a few details about the life they had left behind and the better life they hoped to build once they arrived in California.
The first sentence in the eighth paragraph would be easier to read if the order of the elements were reversed: Within an hour, the caravan made it to Prairie View.
The second sentence could easily be joined to the first to make a longer, more interesting sentence: Within an hour, the caravan made it to Prairie View, where the weary travelers were met by the mayor himself.
I added the adjective “weary” to describe the travelers. You might want to add an adjective of your own, such as dusty, tired, parched, thirsty, grateful, etc. Let us know about the physical condition and moral of those in the wagon train. It is a small thing but it will help to better establish the mood for the reader and give them some perspective into the minds of the characters. I also left out the mayor’s name because in the next paragraph he introduces himself, and to have his name appear before he introduces himself by name is a bit redundant. In addition, the word “travelers” was misspelled in this paragraph.
In the ninth paragraph the mayor introduces himself. You already told us in the prior paragraph that the travelers were met by the mayor, but they don’t know that he is the mayor; they aren’t reading this story. To complete his introduction properly, this paragraph could be revised to read:
"Good to see you folks. Welcome to Prairie View." The man tipped his hat graciously as he bowed, “Mayor John Jenkins is the name. Let me know if I can be of further service to you."
Paragraph ten begins by telling us that introductions were made. Really, we already know that because the mayor just introduced himself and it would naturally follow that at least Big Bill and Sam would have introduced themselves in return. That being the case, the sentence could be started at the point that begins with “…the mayor pointed…” Since this event occurred directly after the mayor introduced himself, this sentence could be added to the end of the last paragraph instead of being a paragraph of its own.
Paragraph eleven begins with “While…”. It would be easier for your reader to understand what is going on if you put the “while” in the middle between the actions of the two separate groups. Also, since there were more than two groups, you could simplify your reference to “the group that took the horses…”:
The Scott twins, Eddie and Foster, along with a few other men took the horses to the livery stables while Sam and Big Ben headed to the nearest saloon, making sure the children wouldn’t follow them in.
Paragraphs twelve and thirteen should be one paragraph. Making the actions of the bartender occur in present tense will add action and interest for your readers instead of telling it all in past tense:
They had no sooner been seated than a thin man bearing drinks approached them. “What’ll it be, gents?” he asked, flashing an obviously forced smile.
In paragraph fifteen the bartender laughed at Sam’s request for water. In paragraph sixteen, Big Bill asks the bartender if something is funny. Expand on that thought. Tell us how Big Bill asked that. Was he confused? Puzzled? Did he make his voice gruff in anger, frustration, or annoyance? Did he stick his chin out defiantly or rest his hands on the table, preparing to get up? Give us some details so that we can build the scene in our imagination and watch your characters act it out.
Paragraph seventeen tells of the bartenders reply. How did he react to Big Bill’s question? Did he sputter or stutter? Did his words flood out nervously? Again, give us some action so we can see these characters come to life. An example of these two paragraphs could be:
”Find water funny?” Big Bill asked gruffly, positioning his large hands on the edge of the table as if preparing to get out of the chair.
The bartender’s laughter ceased immediately. “N..n..n..No, sir. It’s not that at all,” he sputtered nervously. “It’s just we ain’t see rain in these parts for over a month now. Folks are getting worried, scared. Some’s even moving away!” he finished with a gulp.
I changed this sentence a little bit to make it a tad more dramatic and add a little bit to the bartender’s accent.
In paragraph nineteen the bartender repeats his question. Afterwards, give us a little bit of insight on his actions. Did he ask the question anxiously, as though in a hurry to get away? Did he take a small step towards the bar as a subconscious hint that they should order something of that nature?
In paragraph twenty, did both men order two beers? Also, “ended up as” sounds a little odd. “Turned out to be” is a little easier to read. You have used the names of these men extensively through this brief section of your story. Your readers already know that Sam and Big Bill were at the saloon together and they were the only ones at their table. Continuing to tell us makes it wordy and redundant. When you describe the men’s faces at the end of the paragraph, you might have that be an observation that the bartender makes. I don’t know what role he will have in the rest of the story, but if you tell your readers that the bartender noticed this, it will have more impact than the narrator simply stating the fact. Besides that, I am sure that both men were worried about having enough water not only for their horses but for their families as well. Here is an example of how this paragraph might be revised incorporating all of these ideas:
Beer turned out to be the choice of the moment for both men. As the bartender delivered the glasses he took a closer look at his customers. Both faces bore the worry lines of men wondering how they would get enough water to sustain their families and their horses.
I enjoyed reading this small part of your story. Please let me know if you add more to your story. I would be happy to review the additions if you like. Thanks for sharing your work. Keep on writing! With a little work and polish this could be a really great story!
Have a great day!
Deborah
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