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Review of 52 Candles  
Review by justme
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Your poem is so sad and profound. The logical development of the verses leads the reader down a path to an unexpected surprise that jolts their emotional awareness and perception.

The message of your poem is deep and traumatic, yet calmly expressed.

The ending speaks volumes: learning to forgive ourselves of our own mistakes can be one of the most difficult things we ever do, and yet it is so vitally important that we do for how else would we be able to live with ourselves? Denying one’s self the chance to live could be denying someone else the opportunity to know what could be the most influential people in their life.

You have done an exceptional job with poem. Thank you for sharing it.



Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review of Red Tears  
Review by justme
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Your poem is interesting, with overtones of sad detachment and confusion.

You never really tell what happened but leave the reader to surmise about a possible situation. That makes the poem that much more mysterious and intriguing.

In the second and fourth stanzas you seem to have dialogue but there are no quotation marks to show it.

The second line of the last stanza should end with a colon instead of a period. This would make the three adjectives in the following line stand out as a description of the way the coloring is being done.

Thank you for sharing your work.

Deborah


Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review of Ike's birthday  
Review by justme
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a great picture! His black clothing really stands out against the chosen background.

Your grandson's photo reminds me of my brother's senior picture. He wore a gray suit, white shirt, and black tie and the background was black in the center fading out to gray. He looked very handsome. That is one of the only pictures I have left of him. *Frown*

Thanks for sharing the picture.

Best wishes to you and your family,
Deborah
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Review by justme
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your story is very touching and beautifully describes the relationship between Kira and her Grandmother. Kira had questions, things that troubled her, and lots to say about friends, family, activities, school, etc. Grand had answers, comfort, good sound advice, encouragement, and ways to offer Kira inspiration and new experiences even from far away. It's a shame that more children don't have such relationships with their grandparents these days. I always encourage my children to spend as much time with their grandparents and other older ones that we know, and I am so glad that they do. But many of their friends hardly know their grandparents, and they are missing out on so much.

I am in Florida on vacation, and the waves of the gulf lapping on the shore was the perfect background for reading your story.

The format was wonderful and made the story that much more touching and realistic, as a series of letters. It really showed the progress that Kira made and how much she matured during that year. It also showed how strong her desire to reach the island was and how Grand was instrumental in helping her reach that goal even though not there in person. It reminds me of all of the encouragement my Grandfather gave me in my efforts to be a writer. Even from far away he sent articles and information and things that would inspire me to write. He would send me ideas or tell me about experiences he had or things neighbors would tell him about and he'd write, "Wouldn't that make an interensting story someday, Debs?" I would write back and make that event into a short story for him and he'd write again and tell me how much he liked the details I added, or the dialogue. Then he'd say, "If you changed...." and he'd give me ideas to make it better. He'd send me lists of adjectives so I wouldn't repeat the same words. He sent me books about writing, about style, and about learning to write better. Like Grand in your story, Papa offered sound advice, gave encouragement to keep me going, and commendatation when it was merited.

Thank you so much for recommending this item for me to read. I had a wonderful time reading it and thinking how much Grand was like my Papa, and how Kira shared so many of the same things with her as I would share in my letters to him.

I only noticed one error: In the letter dated July 22, 2004, in the second paragrah: "gozIntas". Since this follows the expression "Oh!" it should be capitalized as it begins a new sentence. Also, this is the only place that it appears with a capital I in the middle, so I figured it was a typo.

Excellent work. Thank you for sharing your story and letting me know where to find it. I will be back soon to read more, but for now, I am off to the beach to look for more shells! In a few days I will return to the frozen and ice-covered midwest (St. Louis area of Missouri) so I am going to get as much sun and saltwater as I can!

Deborah

Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review of When You Call  
Review by justme
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very pretty poem with a sweet sentiment. I liked the calm and soothing rhythm of the words, soft and slow like clouds that meander in the summer sky on a lazy afternoon.

*Note2*Your imagery is good: the sun, the drums, and the bud that waits to blossom. All of those create easy to recognize images in the mind and bring your words to life. I especially enjoyed the comparison of the heartbeat to the drums. That was strong and vivid and really strengthened the meaning.

*Note3*I don't know if it has any significance, but the only capitalized letter in your whole poem appears in the fifth verse. If nothing else, it would make the poem easier to read at first glance to capitalize "I".

*Note4*You have a period at the end of the first line where it appears it should be a comma.

*Note5*In the third line, "relive" might be replaced with "revive". It reads a little more evenly with the flow of the words.

*Note6*The fourth line would make more sense with the rest of the poem if it were "Make me immortal by your words" and could be even smoother by changing "by" to "through".

*Note2*In the fifth line, "absence" is misspelled.

*Note3*Also in the fifth line, it seems like it should say "The sun will NOT cease to shine..." because the next line begins with "But", seeming to begin a contrast to the previous line, yet no contrast is ever made. It’s just a little confusing.

*Note4*In the eighth line, "the sound" could be "my name". It would make the sentiment that much more personal and add to the "memory" issue that is the whole point of the poem: the desire to be remembered, and remembering a name is a part of that.

You have written a lovely poem. Thank you for sharing it here.

Deborah


Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review of Fyndorian's Desk  
Review by justme
Rated: E | (5.0)
I don't know whether to start with the words or the photo!

The photo is first, so let's begin with it. At first glance, the monochromatic makeup of the photo lead the mind to believe it is an antique photograph. Upon further examination, however, the eye picks out modern elements: the office chair, of course, and then the keyboard. A moment later, the monitor and speakers, which almost appear as a small tilting vanity mirror such as was found on antique dressing tables. All tools of the trade, both simple and technologically advanced, are laid out within easy reach with ample lighting apparently available from several sources. The addition of what looks to be a framed collage of photos no doubt provides both inspiration and focal point during periods of reflection.

The desk itself is amazing. On first impression, it looks well-worn and dusty, perhaps in need of a little restoration. And yet, a second look shows its personality, its history, and leads one to ponder whose hands once rested where mine now do, and what heartfelt words flowed from their pen?

As a piece of furniture, the desk is well-balanced and shows itself to be versatilely functional for multiple uses. What appears to be a slant-topped writing area on the left side draws the eye and the addition of the papers and round-framed spectacles hint at the work of editing in progress.

The oil lamp is wonderful. It adds curve and flow to a photo otherwise filled with straight lines and sharp edges.

The formatting of the words you have written below mimics the curves of the lamp and really draws the attention of the reader. The description of your desire to write and the essential, powerful need to do so are vivid and filled with imagery, the similes at the end adding impact while at the same time fading out and giving the reader time to pause, reflect, identify, and ponder what great treasures are in store for them in the titles listed below.

Excellent. Being so impressed with your introduction, I can't wait to dive in to the folders. Like the drawers of the pictured desk, they promise to hold useful items as well as some surprises. I will return soon and often to open different "drawers" and explore the contents within.

Oh, I almost forgot: in the tenth line, the word "sustenance" is misspelled. *Smile*

I'm so glad I stopped here this morning!

Have a great day,
Deborah
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Review by justme
Rated: E | (5.0)
I LOVE IT! That is so funny, and very coincidental that I would read it today, of all days. I received one of those infamous forwarded emails from a fiend, oops, friend *Smirk* today and it contained a brief story about a stranger going to a church in a new town. He pulled in and as he got out of the car, someone else pulled in and yelled, "Hey! You took my place!"

He went in and sat down and as others came in one of them looked at him and shook his head and said, "What's wrong with you? I always sit there. You took my place!"

As the sermon was going on, the minister began talking about the ransom and suddenly the stranger stood up and his nice suit was transformed to a torn tunic stained with blood, his shoes to dusty sandals, and welts, cuts, and bruises appeared all over his body. Horrified, someone nearby exclaimed, "Good Lord, what happened to you?!"

Looking down, the stranger looked at his outstretched hands and as a silent tear rolled down his battered cheek he replied, "I took your place."

Back to your poem...

There are a couple of places where the rhythm is interrupted by the words you have chosen. A little reworking of the rough spots would improve the flow but I can't think of any other way to word it that wouldn't interfere with the meaning of the poem, which I think is more important.

The only one I could cme up with a solution for was the first line of the sixth stanza. Dropping the word "now" would make it read easier.

Great work. Your poem told a story that keeps the reader interested to the end, taught a lesson about complacency, and shows that adversity can lead to unexpected friendships. *Wink*

Thanks for sharing your story!
Deborah

Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review of Graphics  
Review by justme
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thanks for showing the graphics. The artists who did them really put a lot of work into them. I wish I had the time to play with my graphics programs more than I do, but I tend to write more.

The UFO image is adorable, colorful, and eye-catching.

The Pisces image is very elegant and beautifully done.

Thanks for allowing me to view them,
Deborah



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Review of Scooba Dooba Do  
Review by justme
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really enjoyed your story. You did a great job with the prompt. Your descriptions were vivid, the action exciting, and the characters (cats) interesting and full of personality.

To give your command to Scooba more impact and urgency, you might consider setting it apart from the rest of the story by giving it a line of its own.

I loved the humor and the bit of advice ofered at the end. Great job!

Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review by justme
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Your poem is very emotional and touching. Tragedies occur in so many lives and the children are so often the most deeply effect, even though their suffering may go unnoticed. Your poem asks so many questions for which there may never be any answers, yet they are questions that may haunt children for years after such an ordeal. You brought these to light in a very heartfelt and sensitive way. I am certain that others who suffered similar emotional trauma and loss as youths will relate and sympathize with your feelings as I have.

You have done an excellent job imparting emotion into your poem. As I read it I could feel the sorrow, hurt, and anger which then turned to desperation, hopelessness, and the impulsive thought that suicide was the way to regain that which had been lost. Your poem is well-constructed and organized in a logical and easy to follow manner. Excellent work!


TECHNICAL NOTES

Only in the first seven lines do you refer to your step-dad as “he”. The rest of the poem is directed at him as “you”. If you intended for these first lines to be an introduction of sorts, they should be separated from the rest of the poem by a blank line to alert the reader to the fact.

In the event that you wish to change the first seven lines and address them to your step-dad directly, I have included some notes in red as to how you might accomplish this with very few changes to content and meaning.

In the first line, all you would have to do is change “he” in the last phrase of the sentence to “you” *Right* “why did you go?”

*Note1*Lines two and three:*Note1*
These two lines should be combined to create one question: Did he know how much we loved him?

Did you know how much we loved you?

In line four: “Or how much we appreciated you?


*Note2*Line six:*Note2*
You need an apostrophe in “moms” *Right*”mom’s”.

You were my mom’s true love.”

*Note3*Line seven:*Note3*
You need an apostrophe in “hes” *Right*”he’s”.

You were a father to me, but now you’re up above.”

*Note4*Line eight:*Note4*
If you place a comma after “right” it will help the reader understand that this is a question that is addressed to your step dad. In addition, although it is not required grammatically, hyphenating the title “step-dad” would aid the reader in understanding this term more readily as they read over it the first time, joining the two words into a familiar phrase. It occurs many times throughout your poem. If you change it, be sure to go through and change all occurrences of it so that it is consistent through the entire work.

*Note5*Line ten:*Note5*
I think there is one too many I’s. It looks like this line should begin with “But”.

*Note6*Line eleven:*Note6*
Which line does this statement pertain to? If you are imagining that your step-dad is saying refuting the accusation that he left you up in the previous line, then it is fine. From the twelfth line, however, it seems as though in the tenth line you are quoting something your step-dad previously said to you: “I’ll never leave you guys!” In that case, line eleven should read “You’d say to us each night” so that it shows past tense giving the reader the understanding that he had always said he wouldn’t leave. If this is the case, then it is line twelve that needs some adjusting. Changing the “yes” to “but” would make it read as though you are arguing your point, that he said he wouldn’t leave, but he did leave anyhow.

*Note1*Line fourteen:*Note1*
You need an apostrophe in “drivers” *Right*”driver’s”.

*Note2*Line fifteen:*Note2*
This would make more sense if you changed “You had to of run” to “You had to run”. Also, since this thought continues to the next line you don’t need the period at the end.

*Note3*Line seventeen:*Note3*
This is a question so end with a question mark.

*Note4*Line nineteen:*Note4*
There is an extra space between “that” and “kite” at the end of this line.

*Note5*Line twenty:*Note5*
You need an apostrophe in “cant” *Right* “can’t”.

*Note6*Line twenty-three*Note6*
This would have a greater emotional impact to the reader as it was read if there was a comma after the first “why” *Right* “Why, oh why…”

*Note1*Line twenty-six:*Note1*
As above, this would have a greater emotional impact to the reader as it was read if there was a comma after the first “why” *Right* “Why, oh why…”

*Note2*Line twenty-nine:*Note2*
You don’t really need the “and” at the beginning of this line. It detracts from the emotional impact of the sentence.

*Note3*Line thirty-seven:*Note3*
Throughout the rest of your poem you have capitalized the beginning of each line. To be consistent, you should also capitalize here.

*Note4*Line thirty-nine:*Note4*
Here again, throughout the rest of your poem you have capitalized the beginning of each line. To be consistent, you should also capitalize here.

*Note5*Line forty-three:*Note5*
Practically is misspelled: “pratically” *Right* “practically”.

*Note6*Line forty-four:*Note6*
“Suppose” should be “supposed”: “How am I supposed to…”

*Note1*Line forty-five:*Note1*
At the beginning of this line, “with out” should be one word: “without”.

This phrase would read more smoothly if you changed “that’s to “who’s”: “…from that abuser who’s always mad.”

*Note2*Line forty-eight:*Note2*
You missed the “I” at the beginning of this line.

*Note3*Line fifty-four thru fifty-six:*Note3*
These lines would have a greater emotional impact if they were separated from the rest of the poem by a blank line. This would alert the reader to their great importance and heighten the emotion as they were read.


Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review by justme
Rated: E | (2.5)
You have an interesting idea here but I can't quite tell what it is. The basic concept is there for what could happen if it is a story or a story poem, but it needs more body, character development, action, emotion, impact, and reader-involvement. As it stands, it is a nice start for an outline about a mysterious mine shack built over a cave that was once used for burials, and the restless spirits that may still roam within.

*Note1*MORE INFORMATION *Note1*

Adding more date to your story would flesh it out a bit. Your reader needs back ground information such as a location to start with. Scene descriptions would help them to build a mental picture of where the story is taking place. Are you in the Colorado mountains? A Valley in California? Near a cave in Kentucky? Perhaps you are in another country or on an island. To envision the story you are going to tell we, your readers, need to know where you are taking us. Tell us about the shack: you say that you live there...was it once a house? Maybe it was an office at the mine? What kind of buildings are around it? Is it out in the woods somewhere? Up in the mountains with nothing else around? Give us some information that we can use to create an image of the location in our minds so that we can place your characters there and envision them acting out the story you will go on to tell us.

*Note2*CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT*Note2*
Who are your characters? None are given names or descriptions. You mention a penguin...is the story about animals? It is confusing because none of the facts seem to relate to the others. If the reader can't relate to your characters in any way, they won't read the story.

**NOTE: While adding more information and developing your characters, be careful not to just list descriptive facts. Incorporate them into the story so that the location and characters involved gradually come to life and pull us into their world, allowing us to watch as the story unfolds.

*Note3*EMOTION, ACTION, & IMPACT*Note3*

Once you have a well-defined location and some strong and relatable characters, you can build a story where they get involved in adventures, fun, mischief, and danger. These actions will build emotional impact for your readers. If they relate to your characters and feel involved in their "lives" then they will care what happens to them next and they will keep reading to find out. When you get to the point where the researchers are brought in, introduce them so that your readers will care about what they are doing and what they find.

*Note4*READER INVOLVEMENT*Note4*

Once you have a good setting, strong characters, and good action and emotional impact, you will get reader involvement. At the end of this piece of work, you say that some people go to the cave now for recreation, while others steer clear. This is the kind of story that lends itself to multiple perspectives. You could have a series of secondary stories that branch off from the first, like ghost stories told around the campfire. Each could be written as a separate item and you could link to each of them at the end of the main story. For instance:

Some people still go to the cave to swim in the pools and cool off in the heat of summer. Others stay as far away as they can, wary of the spirits that still roam the surrounding area. There is always a new story circulating about the latest supernatural phenomenon witnessed in or around the cave. Last summer the local newspaper carried a series of these stories:

Then you could list these secondary "ghost stories" by names that sound like newspaper headlines, making each of them a link to another item in your portfolio. It would make an interesting series of short stories.

Keep writing. You have a good idea to begin with. Add some detail and dimension to your setting location; breathe some life into your characters, and then give them some good action scenes to get your reader involved!

Thanks for sharing your work.

Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review of Cool Water  
Review by justme
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
You have an interesting start to your story.

*Note1* I know you said that this is just the beginning, but before you go too far, you may think about the formatting. It is hard to read and differentiate thoughts and paragraphs when it all runs together. You might consider putting a blank line between each paragraph so that readers will be able to distinguish them.

*Note2* Your story starts off with dialogue, which is good because it gets the reader involved right away. However, since this is the first time you are referring to this child, you might call him by name instead of the vague term “the younger Reynolds boy”. That way your reader will know who you are talking about the next time he is in the story. You could combine “the younger Reynolds boy” with his proper name, if you want. Otherwise, you may call him by name later and your readers will need an explanation of who he is again since they were never properly introduced.

*Note3* Near the end of the first sentence you wrote: “…wiped his face with a his father’s handkerchief.” There is an extra word in there and it looks like it is the “a”.

*Note4* In the second sentence the father is speaking to his son. The way you word this is a little awkward. “…his father Sam told him.” Since the first sentence was the boy’s question and this second sentence begins with the father’s answer, you could simply say “his father told him” and then include the father’s proper name in the rest of the sentence where he is talking to himself. Now, imagine that you are the parent of this child and you’ve been traveling on the dusty path for who knows how long. Your child is bored, tired, hungry, thirsty, and hot. When he asks how much farther, are you just going to tell him an answer? Most likely you would comfort, cajole, or encourage…you might even sigh, commiserate, or sympathize. A sample revision of this sentence could read:

”Still a week’s trip before we get to California,” his father comforted with a sigh, looking towards the horizon. Scanning the cloudless blue sky, Sam muttered to himself, “And no relief in sight.”

This way you have included emotion, set a mood for the opening of your story, given us some insight into the kind of man Sam Reynolds is, alerted us to where the wagons are heading, and told us that the wagon train could be having trouble finding water. That’s a lot of information, but all of it is important for you to get your reader’s attention and keep them reading.

*Note5* The next two sentences can go together in the same paragraph. In this brief portion of your story you have referred to ‘Big’ Bill Schuller by his full name, by his last name, and by the name Big Bill; most of the time it is Big Bill. Decide which one you are going to use and then stick to it. Otherwise it gets confusing for the reader to keep the characters straight.

*Note6* In the second statement made by Big Bill there is an extra word: “A little water for would be good, too.”

*Note1* In the sixth paragraph (starts with “Ain’t gotta…”) you wrote: “Schuller replied, stepping down from his steed.” Can you make this a little more vivid for us? I can imagine Big Bill sliding down from the saddle or swinging himself from the back of his steed, his spurs jingling softly as his boots hit the parched ground or something like that.

*Note2* In Big Bill’s last statement in the dialogue of the sixth paragraph he talks about the town of Prairie View. Prairie is misspelled there.

*Note3* In the seventh paragraph: “…a different family and its favorite possessions…” This sounds rather awkward as well as impersonal. “…a different family with their favorite possessions…” warms it up a little and draws the reader into the story emotionally instead of presenting them with simple facts.

*Note4* At the end of paragraph seven Sam is reflecting on whether or not he had made a good decision in bringing his family West. This would be the perfect time to give us some background information. Why was Sam from? Why had he decided to bring his family West? How many children did he have? Did he have to quit a good job, leave a nice house, and leave family behind? Did he have to sell possessions to get the horses and wagon they needed? How did his wife feel about the trip? Had they had hardships along the way? None of this needs to be lengthy or intensely detailed, but a little bit would be nice so we have some insight into the reasons Sam is on this trip with young children. Assuming that Sam is going to be a regular character in this story, your readers will want to know these details about him.

You might start with something such as: As the wagon train began to move again, Sam looked back at his son, and found himself wondering if this trip had been such a good idea. Willy (or whatever you will name him) had been an active, energetic little boy when they set out from Concord, but sitting in the wagon now, his skin was parched and stretched taut over his high cheekbones, and his bright blue eyes looked sunken and glassy. From there you could go on to tell a few details about the life they had left behind and the better life they hoped to build once they arrived in California.

*Note5* The first sentence in the eighth paragraph would be easier to read if the order of the elements were reversed: Within an hour, the caravan made it to Prairie View.

The second sentence could easily be joined to the first to make a longer, more interesting sentence: Within an hour, the caravan made it to Prairie View, where the weary travelers were met by the mayor himself.

I added the adjective “weary” to describe the travelers. You might want to add an adjective of your own, such as dusty, tired, parched, thirsty, grateful, etc. Let us know about the physical condition and moral of those in the wagon train. It is a small thing but it will help to better establish the mood for the reader and give them some perspective into the minds of the characters. I also left out the mayor’s name because in the next paragraph he introduces himself, and to have his name appear before he introduces himself by name is a bit redundant. In addition, the word “travelers” was misspelled in this paragraph.

*Note6* In the ninth paragraph the mayor introduces himself. You already told us in the prior paragraph that the travelers were met by the mayor, but they don’t know that he is the mayor; they aren’t reading this story. To complete his introduction properly, this paragraph could be revised to read:

"Good to see you folks. Welcome to Prairie View." The man tipped his hat graciously as he bowed, “Mayor John Jenkins is the name. Let me know if I can be of further service to you."

*Note1* Paragraph ten begins by telling us that introductions were made. Really, we already know that because the mayor just introduced himself and it would naturally follow that at least Big Bill and Sam would have introduced themselves in return. That being the case, the sentence could be started at the point that begins with “…the mayor pointed…” Since this event occurred directly after the mayor introduced himself, this sentence could be added to the end of the last paragraph instead of being a paragraph of its own.

*Note2* Paragraph eleven begins with “While…”. It would be easier for your reader to understand what is going on if you put the “while” in the middle between the actions of the two separate groups. Also, since there were more than two groups, you could simplify your reference to “the group that took the horses…”:

The Scott twins, Eddie and Foster, along with a few other men took the horses to the livery stables while Sam and Big Ben headed to the nearest saloon, making sure the children wouldn’t follow them in.

*Note3* Paragraphs twelve and thirteen should be one paragraph. Making the actions of the bartender occur in present tense will add action and interest for your readers instead of telling it all in past tense:

They had no sooner been seated than a thin man bearing drinks approached them. “What’ll it be, gents?” he asked, flashing an obviously forced smile.

*Note4* In paragraph fifteen the bartender laughed at Sam’s request for water. In paragraph sixteen, Big Bill asks the bartender if something is funny. Expand on that thought. Tell us how Big Bill asked that. Was he confused? Puzzled? Did he make his voice gruff in anger, frustration, or annoyance? Did he stick his chin out defiantly or rest his hands on the table, preparing to get up? Give us some details so that we can build the scene in our imagination and watch your characters act it out.

*Note5* Paragraph seventeen tells of the bartenders reply. How did he react to Big Bill’s question? Did he sputter or stutter? Did his words flood out nervously? Again, give us some action so we can see these characters come to life. An example of these two paragraphs could be:

”Find water funny?” Big Bill asked gruffly, positioning his large hands on the edge of the table as if preparing to get out of the chair.

The bartender’s laughter ceased immediately. “N..n..n..No, sir. It’s not that at all,” he sputtered nervously. “It’s just we ain’t see rain in these parts for over a month now. Folks are getting worried, scared. *Balloon3*Some’s even moving away!” he finished with a gulp.


*Balloon3*I changed this sentence a little bit to make it a tad more dramatic and add a little bit to the bartender’s accent.

*Note6* In paragraph nineteen the bartender repeats his question. Afterwards, give us a little bit of insight on his actions. Did he ask the question anxiously, as though in a hurry to get away? Did he take a small step towards the bar as a subconscious hint that they should order something of that nature?

*Note1*In paragraph twenty, did both men order two beers? Also, “ended up as” sounds a little odd. “Turned out to be” is a little easier to read. You have used the names of these men extensively through this brief section of your story. Your readers already know that Sam and Big Bill were at the saloon together and they were the only ones at their table. Continuing to tell us makes it wordy and redundant. When you describe the men’s faces at the end of the paragraph, you might have that be an observation that the bartender makes. I don’t know what role he will have in the rest of the story, but if you tell your readers that the bartender noticed this, it will have more impact than the narrator simply stating the fact. Besides that, I am sure that both men were worried about having enough water not only for their horses but for their families as well. Here is an example of how this paragraph might be revised incorporating all of these ideas:

Beer turned out to be the choice of the moment for both men. As the bartender delivered the glasses he took a closer look at his customers. Both faces bore the worry lines of men wondering how they would get enough water to sustain their families and their horses.

I enjoyed reading this small part of your story. Please let me know if you add more to your story. I would be happy to review the additions if you like. Thanks for sharing your work. Keep on writing! With a little work and polish this could be a really great story!

Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review by justme
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This poem has good rhythm through the majority of the stanzas. The contrasts in each verse are excellent, and the way you expand on them really brings them to life. You made good use of the lines borrowed from the song you alluded to in your item description. I really like what you did with them.

*Note1* Everything is moving along and the rhythm is carrying the reader at a smooth pace and then BAM! The fifth stanza throws it all out of whack. I know that the fifth line is from the other song, but it just doesn't fit with the flow of your poem.

In reading and rereading, it seems like the line should have a couple of more words added to clarify the thought and then be split into two lines. The final verse of the fifth stanza could also be split into two lines and they could be put into the beginning of the sixth stanza. If you can come up with two more lines for the sixth stanza, then each would have eight lines, instead of the first five having eight lines each and the sixth only having four. That threw the rythem off a bit at the end as well.

It’s a stairway to heaven
I’m floating away
we’re dancing forever
hear the music and sway
or
is it a subway
going down to the pits
on a track for disaster
that just can’t be fixed


Then, if you can add two more lines to the sixth stanza, it would finish it out more of an evenly balanced flow. Just an idea I had as I read.

I had fun raiding your portfolio! I hope to see more of your work added soon!

Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review of Forbidden Power  
Review by justme
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Your poem was interesting. It had a very good rhythm and pace that drew the reader along and the descriptions you used were powerful and sentimental. I am sure that all of us have had some kind of internal struggle between doing what we know to be right and wanting to do what is considered to be wrong. You brought that out very well in your poem.

*Note1* In the fourth line of the third stanza is the word "magick". It is not usually spelled with a "k". That is the only error I found.

Good job!

Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review by justme
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was cool! I really enjoyed the way you described the road and the feeling of riding. Each line seemed to come a little faster than the one before and by the end, it really made a complete picture!

I love the long and short line pattern. In my mind, it sort of replicated the "white lines on the road; flashing" motif from the second stanza. The single words you chose for the second line of each stanza really summed up each sentiment.

I didn't find any misspellings or anything like that, so I am going to give your poem 5 stars! The only thing I can think of that I would have liked to see that wasn't there: move stanzas...perhaps something about riding up and down hills, alongside the ocean, or going around curves...take us for more than just a ride around the block. *Wink* Great work!

I really enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing this.

Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review of Watching Ducks  
Review by justme
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your haiku is very sweet. Funny how we can be distracted by something that seems so comonplace as watching animals and miss doing the things we had planned on. Then again, I have to wonder sometimes if we really did miss out on anything or if we came out ahead of others because we took the time to relax, reflect, and appreciate things that are so often overlooked.

I really enjoyed your poem. In so few words you created a whole scenario in my mind and I can only imagine the aftermath of it all. It would make a fun short story.

Good job!

This is my first visit to your port...prepare to be "raided"! (A port raid is a series of reviews given by a member of The Port Raider Team here at WDC.)

Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review of A Seed  
Review by justme
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thank you for sharing your poem. Your comparison was interesting and I enjoyed the way you developed the similarities, such as waiting to grow, to be noticed, etc. That was good.

I also liked the comparison to a zebra's stipe, showing how no two are alike.

Although the repetition was good at the beginning, it got a little too repetitious at the end. If you could have expanded the comparisons to other things, perhaps a feather or a plant, a flower, or a tree, and then taken it full circle back to the seed once again your topic would have been more fully developed.

You did a good job, though, and I enjoyed it.

Thanks for sharing your work.
Deborah



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Review of Mother  
Review by justme
Rated: E | (3.5)
Your poem is full of sweet sentiment and gratitude. I enjoyed it very much. I like the way your poem shows the bonding between mother and child, and the warm way you describe those feelings of closeness and comfort.

In the copy of your poem below I have broken the long lines up into more readable lines with this mark: //. Breaking up the long lines will make it easier to read.

Misspellings are shown with the correction in blue.

Capitalization problems are marked with *Note1*.

Punctuation problems are marked with *Note2* and the notation regarding the needed change follows in blue.



Your smile, your touch, //your sweet imbrace, embrace//the love of my mother//is seen in your face.

I know who you are//from that very first touch, //the smile that you give// means so much.

The warm gentle way//you hold me in your arms//tells me *Note1*i'm safe//from every kind of harm.

As *Note1*i will grow, //learn, and play, //the one I call mother//will be there everyday.

Through the good times, //bad times, and all in between, //my mother*Note2*s needs apostrophe for possessive face //can always be seen.

Those three special words //that you've always said to me, //I want to share them with you //I hope you can see.

So from the bottom of my heart //I want to say, //I loved you *Note2*needs a comma mother //from that very first day.


Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review of Ode to the Sea  
Review by justme
Rated: E | (4.5)
The rhythm of this poem is so soothing it reminds me of being at the ocean. It is wonderful. I love the imagery and the comparisons that bring your ocean to life. Your references to history, explorers, etc. create strong images and also prompt questions that could lead the curious mind to research and learning.

I have only one suggestion.

*Note1* In the third line of the final stanza, a comma placed between "I wonder" and "when life's trip is through" would lead the reader to say the line with the proper emphasis and pausing so as to get the sense of it, wondering what the ocean would say about you when your life is complete rather than taking it as a question of wondering when life's trip will be complete, or when your life will be over.

A very beautiful poem.

I will come back soon to read more!

Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review of His Legacy  
Review by justme
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent work. Your Dad is a lucky man.

The sentiment in this poem is so pure, and shows such a depth of love and admiration; so much respect, love, and appreciation. So often I have read poems for mothers or fathers, but most are from daughters. There's nothing at all wrong with that, but it is refreshing and eye-opening to read them from a son's perspective.

I truly enjoyed every word of your poem. I wouldn't change a thing.

Thank you so much for sharing your work.

Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review of The Void  
Review by justme
Rated: E | (3.5)
This gives rise to interesting questions to ponder. There are so many different things this poem could mean to so many different people. I like that it makes the reader think and, in those thoughts, they can go in just about any direction the reader wants to go.

I only wish it was a little longer and gave the reader a little more insight into the meaning you found when writing it. I enjoy poems that make me think, yet at the same time, I like to know what the author had in mind because then I can see if I was thinking on the same plane or if I took a completely different tangent. It's just interesting to see how different people think about things, I guess.

Then again, it is interesting to see where my own thoughts lead as well.

The only suggestion I have is that you draw it all together at the end. Each line sets out one or more qualities. The last line simply says "Happiness lies within them all." That line would have more impact if you listed the main qualities before that statement. For instance: "Grandeur, passion, virtue, justice…happiness lies within them all."

That way all of those qualities are brought to the fore once again for the reader, making a bigger impact and leaving a stronger impression of them once the poem has concluded.

Just a thought. Thanks for sharing your work.

Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review of Why am I Here?  
Review by justme
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is such a sweet little story. Your daughter will just love it! Are you going to illustrate it? Depending on how old she is it would make a really cute coloring book. I used to illustrate my stories and let my children color in the pictures. They had so much fun.

Your story is short and simple. The words are easy and even though it may seem repetative for an adult, it is exactly what young children like in stories. They like the repetative lines because it lets them get involved even before they can read. They hear the same thing over and over and they remember. Multiple times through the story you say, "Annie didn't understand." Children will quickly become familiar with this line and they will know it is coming when Annie's questions are being ansered. And when it is time to say that line, they will get to have a part in telling the story.

I also enjoyed that your story was brief, yet long enough to be "book-length" for a child. It would hold their attention for that amount of time, and, if illustrated with bright and interesting pictures, it would last even longer and allow for a lot of parent-child interaction.

I also really enjoyed that as Annie went on, she incorporated what she had learned from the dog and the flower into her next questions.

The brief summary at the end that draws it all back together was an excellent idea. I can just imagine all of those as pictures in your book!

I didn't see any spelling or punctuation errors, and believe me, I looked it over well.

Excellent work! Thanks for sharing it here!
Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review of The Struggle  
Review by justme
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love this!!

It's short, sweet, and to the point with perfect rhythm, awesome rhyme, and it has a message I can relate to...even though I am not an ant. *Wink*

I have only two suggestions:

*Note1* Separate each two-line stanza from the others by leaving a blank line between them. This way your readers will be able to pause for a breath between each thought.

*Note2* WRITE MORE! This is a great little poem! If you can, add more verses. I would have loved to read more!

Thanks for sharing your work here!

Have a great day!
Deborah



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Review by justme
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Dear Katherine,

This is an awesome idea and you can count on me for reviews! I wish I'd known sooner because I send reviews all of the time! Now they will be helping out another cause besides just encouraging the writer to keep writing and improving!

The banners are beautiful, and there is such a choice!

Your explanatory article is well written, organized, and easy to follow. The concept is well-presented and the instructions clear and understandable. In addition, the reward incentives are specific and give each participant ample opportunity to achieve them to the best of their abilities. I also appreciate the time you took to include links to other sites so that those who wish to join in can visit and learn more about worthy causes along with the one they will be supporting with their reviews. Visiting these sites will enable all of us to increase our awareness of the plight of others and, hopefully, make all of us that much more thankful that we have the privileges we so often take for granted.

Technical Notes

*Note1* In the third paragraph you mention the "Save the Children Foundation". "The" does not need to be capitalized in their name, and is not capitalized on their site.

*Note2* In the sections entitled "The most credited reviewer" and "The most active reviewer" the following sentence appears:

I will also see this information on the public review page, *Check2*simply add a post at the end of the month with all your reviews if you would like to be included.

This sentence is made up of two separate and complete sentences that could each stand on their own. They can be separated at the *Check2* or joined using a semi-colon instead of a comma.

*Note3* Under the topic "Linkage", in the second paragraph is the phrase :"...see first hand how peoples lives are changed ...".

The word "peoples" needs an apostrophe because the rest of the phrase talks about something that the people possess: "people's".

Thank you so much for sharing your great idea for charity and allowing the rest of us the opportunity to do something we already love to do to help those elsewhere who are greatly in need. Best wishes with your efforts in all you do.

I hope that you will keep us updated as to the difference our reviews are making!

And now I am off in search of my first ten reviews!

Have a great day,
Deborah

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Review by justme
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear D. L. Robinson,
It has truly been a joy to "raid your port"! I've included gp's with this review as my thanks for sharing your excellent writing here at WDC.

This poem is another sterling example of your mastery of words. Content, rhythm, and vivid imagery all combine to make one beautiful package that appeals to so many of the senses and emotions. The message at the end of your poem is so vital to remember. We can't do anything about the past and we never know that we will have tomorrow, so make the best of today.

One teeny tiny error:

In the third line of the tenth stanza:

My refrigerator is bare because
Grocery shopping is something
*Note1*I ‘ve never much cared for


There is an extra space between I and the apostrophe.

Great work! I'll be back soon to read more!

Have a great day!
Deborah

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