Dear Bettyc,
It has been a pleasure to read your work. Please accept the following review in the spirit of helpfulness with which it was written. All of the ideas herein are only suggestions that you can use or discard as you see fit.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Beginning: You opened with good descriptions that make the reader feel like they’re right there with you. You grabbed the attention and made the reader wonder what would happen next. Good job.
Middle: The good descriptions continued through the body of your story, sparking memories and feelings from childhood days long past and nearly forgotten.
Ending: The end was wonderful…the comparison between how you saw things and how outsiders did shows the real difference between true joy and what is often thought to be happiness. Excellent ending.
 TECHNICAL REVIEW
Although your writing is filled with good descriptions and emotion, it is also wordy and at times a little rough and repetitive. More words don’t always make a story better. Trimming out unnecessary words will make the main story line stand out and give your work a greater emotional impact. In the rest of this review I will try to point out places that need attention, give a reason why, and offer suggestions and ideas that will hopefully help and inspire. Please use whatever you find to be of value and discard the rest.
**Your original work will appear in red text. Crossed out words or phrases that need to be replaced will be followed by a (suggestion) for replacement. Suggestions for rewritten text will appear in blue, with additional rewrite ideas in green.
Please feel free to ask me about my review if you have any questions.
When I was a young girl, we lived in a second floor apartment in an old, red brick apartment building that housed four apartments.
When seems to be the new once upon a time. Starting it in another way would generate more interest because it wouldn’t sound like the same old words again. The sentence is also repetitive. Reorganizing the information presented could allow using the word apartment only once:
As a young girl, my family lived in one of four apartments housed in an old red brick building; we lived on the second floor.
To the right and to the left, across the street, and as far around me as I could see, were the same red brick buildings.
This sentence is wordy and could be reduced to a simple phrase that could be joined to the previous sentence:
As a young girl, my family lived in one of four apartments housed in an old red brick building, surrounded as far as I could see by identical brick buildings; we lived on the second floor.
There was little lawn in front of my building, just a small patch of green divided by the sidewalk leading to the front door. In back of the building I lived in, there was a large, grassy field with a large hill that stood opposite our apartment. The field was bordered on two sides by the back doors of identical buildings.
These three sentences are wordy, confusing, and repetitive. There has to be a simpler way to describe this.
The little lawn in front of the building amounted to a small green patch bisected by a sidewalk but behind was a large, grassy field that rose to a hill opposite our back door, bordered on two sides by identical red brick buildings.
You could break for a new paragraph at this point, separating the description of the field from the activities that took place there. The next two paragraphs talk about the winter activities and the summer activities. When did the bee catching and hill rolling take place? You could move these activities down to the summer section. They would fit there better than sticking out by themselves up here.
NOTE: I will include a little bit in the summer section as to where this information might be added and seamlessly blended with the rest of the story at that point.
My friends and I would run all over (through) the field, (X the comma) playing one game after another.
We'd catch bees in (use) pickle jars with holes poked in the top of the caps so the bees would be able to breath. (to catch bees and) We'd pick dandelions and buttercups and give them to (for) our moms.
We'd run up the hill and lie at the top. Ready, Set, Go! We would roll down the hill, laughing with childhood(ish) delight, spinning faster and faster, until at the bottom we'd get up, our equilibrium causing us to walk sideways. We'd laugh and laugh and run back up the hill to do it again.
This portion is wordy and could have a much greater impact, showing the reader the fun and sheer joy of this childhood activity. A pause at the top of the hill would really make the activity of rolling down and being dizzy at the bottom stand out. Perhaps while you’re at the top, you could watch the clouds go by, chase butterflies, or play tag. You use the word we’d a lot and it starts to wear on the reader after a while. Throw in something different now and then, such as my friends and I or my brothers and sisters and I or even all of us or all of us kids. The variety would make the story so much more interesting. If there were certain times when you did things with only other girls, you could say the other girls and I.
My friends and I would lie on the hilltop watching the clouds go by. ‘Ready, set, go,’ one would shout and down we’d roll, giggling with childish delight, gaining speed all the way; at the bottom we were so dizzy we’d walk sideways. Laughing and joking, we’d race to do it again.
In the winter, we'd trudge to the end of the field to (top of that) the hill to go sled riding. There would be (where) kids of all ages (would be) sliding down the icy hill (slope) on sleds, toboggans or just plain (old) cardboard. We'd go so fast, just as excited as could be, trudging back up the hill again and again. I remember running home(,) with my socks and mittens soaking wet, my hands and feet red from the cold. My(;) mom would take them off and put them (my wet garments) on the radiator to dry, (ex)changing me into (them for) warm, dry ones (clothes) so I could run back out and do it all over again. We would stay(ed) out for hours playing in the snow. We'd(,) try(ing) to build igloos by making a huge pile of snow and hollowing it out (huge piles). Sometimes it was impossible; the pile would just crumble. It didn't matter. We'd be laughing and playing and having so much fun!
This paragraph is wordy and repeats a lot of the same words and phrases, detracting from the impact of the meaning on the reader. It also takes away from the imagery created because the same picture plays in their imagination instead of being a continuous fluid scene.
In the winter we’d trudge to the top of that hill where kids of all ages would be sliding down the icy slope on sleds, toboggans, or plain old cardboard. We’d go so fast, just as excited as could be. I remember running home, socks and mittens soaking wet, hands and feet red from the cold; Mom would put my wet garments on the radiator to dry, exchanging them for warm, dry clothes so I could run back out and do it all over again. We stayed out for hours playing in the snow, trying to build igloos by hollowing out huge piles. Sometimes it was impossible; the pile would just crumble. It didn’t matter. We’d be laughing and playing and having so much fun!
NOTE: Here is where you might move the information from above about the summer activities on the hill. {Preface the first sentence with “In the summer,” and drop the whole portion in. It doesn’t have to be joined to the paragraph here that already begins with that phrase. We’ll get to that paragraph next.
In the summer, (Sometimes, even though I wasn’t supposed to,) we would go across the street to (and stand on) the railroad tracks near the edge of the woods. We would stand on the tracks (even though I wasn't supposed to), and look as far as we could in both directions. Those tracks seemed endless to me.(;) I can still feel the warmth emanating off of (from) the metal, the wooden planks under my feet, (and)dirt crunching as I walked. **The smell (scent) of wild flowers was all around (filled the air) and the sounds of the insects calling to each other was constant. ***We would pick (gorged ourselves with) wild berries and eat to our heart's content, (staining) our fingers and mouths stained purple or red. We'd pick wildflowers and bring them home to our mothers.
In this section, I replaced In the summer with Sometimes. (See NOTE.) Combining and compacting all of the information about the railroad tracks helps the story move along at a better pace instead of dragging on. I like the descriptions you use when talking about the tracks. You have a lot of great word choices through that part. Here and there I made some other minor suggestions. I crossed out to our heart’s content because it sounds cliché. I also crossed out the sentence about wildflowers because you already mentioned taking dandelions and buttercups home for your mothers, so this time it’s redundant.
**The sentence that talks about the scent of the wildflowers and the sound of the insects could be moved to the portion I suggested moving down from above. You talk about flowers in that part, too, and keeping it together would make the story less repetitive for the reader.
***The sentence about eating wild berries interrupts the information about the train tracks. If you moved it up to the beginning of the paragraph, it could precede the part about the tracks instead of being in the way.
Below, the blue text keeps things in the order you have them. The green text rearranges them.
Sometimes, even though I wasn’t supposed to, my friends and I would cross the street and stand on the railroad tracks near the edge of the woods and look as far as we could in both directions. Those tracks seemed endless; I can still feel the warmth emanating from the metal, the wooden planks under my feet, and dirt crunching as I walked. The scent of wildflowers filled the air and the sound of insects calling to each other was constant. We gorged ourselves with wild berries, staining our fingers and mouths purple or red.
Sometimes, even though I wasn’t supposed to, my friends and I would cross the street. We’d gorge ourselves with wild berries, staining our fingers and mouths purple or red; standing on the railroad tracks near the edge of the woods we’d look as far as we could in both directions. Those tracks seemed endless; I can still feel the warmth emanating from the metal, the wooden planks under my feet, and dirt crunching as I walked.
We weren't allowed to walk down the tracks. There were hobos further down the tracks, my mother told me. They lived in a shack in the woods on the other side of the tracks, she said.
This passage is repetitive and wordy and could be reduced to one fairly simple sentence that would have greater clarity for the reader:
My mother told us never to walk down the tracks for fear of the hobos who lived in a shack in the woods on the other side.
One day, excited and scared, we defied my mother and started walking, nervously whispering to each other, both of us just a little frightened but never admitting it.
This sentence is wordy and repetitive.
One day my best friend and I defied my mother and, whispering nervously, we crept down the tracks, never admitting our fear.
A(An unfamiliar) noise in the woods had (sent) us racing back to safety. I remember thinking that if I ever saw the hobo, I would give him the flowers I had picked along the way and he wouldn't hurt us.
An unfamiliar noise sent s racing back to safety.
I didn't know until I was much older that at that time we were considered poor and that we lived in the projects. This may be true, but I wouldn't trade my childhood memories for anything.
This passage could have a much greater impact.
It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized we were considered poor and that our red brick apartments were called ‘the projects’. While this may be true, I wouldn’t trade my rich childhood memories for anything.
I am so glad I had the opportunity to read your work. You have a very conversational quality in your writing that makes it enjoyable and imparts a depth of feeling to the reader.
I hope that you will find something of value in this edit that will help you to refine this story or inspire your writing in other areas. Thank you for sharing your work.
Write on!
Deborah |
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as the “Man in the Moon” because of the events and happenings that it hosted.
The Technical Stuff: