Hello,
It has been a pleasure to read your work. Please accept the following review in the spirit of helpfulness with which it was written. All of the ideas herein are only suggestions that you can use or discard as you see fit.
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Beginning: I liked the prologue portion of the story. It provided background and an interesting starting point. It also raises many questions the reader wants to keep reading to learn the answers for.
Middle: The body of the story has suspense and creates interesting images as the events play out.
Ending: The conclusion of the story is good. You tie the ends up and answer the questions raised at the beginning.
Overall Impression: All in all, you have an interesting story idea and you’re off to a good start but you still have a ways to go. There is a lot of wordiness and repetitiveness, as well as some confusing phraseology and awkward wording. I’ve tried to point out many of these issues in the technical review below; I’ve also written some samples to better explain changes I’ve suggested or errors I’ve pointed out.
 TECHNICAL REVIEW
Much of the following material is opinions and suggestions I have as a writer and as a reader. Please use what you find to be helpful and disregard the rest. Thanks for sharing your work.
The second word of the title should be capitalized.
"Where are we going?" asked the little boy.
Rather than beginning with a vague description, you could begin by stating the boy’s name and even including a brief detail about him to give the reader more information at the offset:
“Where are we going?” asked X-year-old Jason.
"It's going to be a birthday surprise(,) for you" whispered the woman sitting beside him.
This passage is wordy and there’s a punctuation error; you need a comma between the end of the dialogue and the closing quotation marks.
Instead of the woman sitting beside him you can just say stepmother.
”It’s a birthday surprise,” whispered his stepmother.
She was constantly checking her watch. Her moment of joy was closing in. They were driving in the shopping district. It was just past noon and there were not many people on the roads. The lesser the better, thought she.
This passage is also very wordy and the wording is awkward and confusing. Thoughts of the characters should be italicized so they’re set apart from the narrative yet not confused for dialogue.
Mrs. Strauss checked her watch once more; her moment of joy was closing in. There weren’t many people on the roads in the shopping district at a little past noon. The fewer, the better, she thought.
Soon, she noticed that it was only five minutes to one. It was time.
Here the reader needs a little more information. What was Mrs. Strauss doing from a little past noon until 12:55? Did she run an errand, pick up a gift, stop to drop off dry cleaning? Time wouldn’t likely pass without interruption with a child expecting a birthday surprise.
The importance of exact timing could also be impressed upon the reader once more at this point. Mrs. Strauss’ plan has to go off without a hitch, so repeating the time element here would be emphasis, not repetitiveness.
You could give the reader so much more insight into the anxiousness Mrs. Strauss was feeling as she went about her errands, or whatever you might have her doing for those 40-50 minutes as she waits for the appointed hour. The reader, of course, has no idea what she’s anxious about. Could it be she has to get Jason to a party on time? Maybe they’re meeting his father for a late lunch to celebrate his birthday; a trip to the toy store where friends will be waiting; a picnic/party at the zoo? This would add suspense and mystery as well as build the reader’s emotional attachment to the character, which would make the surprise at the end of the prologue that much more dramatic. Below is a sample I hope gives a better idea of what I’m trying to say you could do with this passage.
As she drove from one errand to the next, time was constantly on her mind. Finally, she thought as she spied the clock: 12:55 pm. It was time.
"Would you like an ice cream?" she asked the boy pressing his cheeks.
You lost me here. What exactly does this mean? Was Jason bored and pressing his cheek against the window? Was he pressing his cheeks, making faces to pass the time? Did Mrs. Strauss “press his cheeks”? And if she did, did she pinch one cheek, did she squeeze both cheeks together at the same time, scrunching his lips into a pucker? It’s just confusing as to what was done, and the reader’s confusion at trying to figure out the meaning and possibilities disrupts the storyline and the flow.
"Yes," he replied.
The character of Jason hasn’t been developed much. Here, with a few words of description and emotion, you could give him a little more depth and personality.
“Oh, yes,” he exclaimed, shaking off the boredom of the last hour.
"Black current."
Even though it is perfectly correct and acceptable to have dialogue without a traditional dialogue tag, this would be a perfect opportunity to give Jason a bit more personality and reader appeal. He could lick his lips and smile with anticipation; he could reach for the door handle in anticipation of going in, etc. Even the addition of: “it’s my favorite” at the end of his statement would add more realism and reader connection.
Current is recent, up-to-date. Currant is the fruit.
She stopped the car at a fair distance from the ice cream parlour.
Perhaps this is a cultural note, but if Mrs. Strauss got out of the car, she parked it, technically.
The boy (Jason) nodded. She kissed him on his forehead and made her way (walked) towards the ice cream parlour. She checked her watch again.(:) Less than a minute (remained). She went through the menu card and waited. With each second passing, anxiousness was growing inside her. She counted every second and finally, while the boy was looking out of the car window, the time ran out. The clock struck one and the car exploded in flames...
This portion is especially wordy. Rather than try to explain every detail, I’ve written the sample in blue below because it will be easier to understand. The changes have then been explained in the violet text below that.
Jason nodded. She kissed his forehead and walked toward the ice cream parlor. Mrs. Strauss glanced at her watch one last time: less than a minute remained. She went through the menu card and waited. Her anxiety grew as each second ticked by…tick…tick…tick…she counted every one as Jason watched for her to return…tick…tick…tick…time ran out. One o’clock: the car exploded into flames…
Using the character’s name will increase the reader’s connection to him. Wordy phrases have been simplified: kissed him on his forehead kissed his forehead, etc. Joining some of the sentences makes for a more suspenseful read; the reader’s anxiety and excitement build as Mrs. Strauss keeps checking her watch, and the tick…tick…tick of the clock heightens the surprise. It is rather like the story is still for that brief second and the reader hears the tick of the clock, then BOOM!—the explosion concludes the prologue and the reader is left shocked, wondering what happened, which, in this case, is exactly where you want them.
It was the day before Christmas Eve.(and) The youth of the St. Lucia Chapel set out for (on) their carol(ing) rounds at sharply 8 pm(;) since they had (to sing at) many places (to sing) that night.
The day before Christmas Eve is an awkward phrase that could be simplified and reduced to December 23. There is also a lot of wordiness here and some information that would be clearer if rearranged:
It was December 23 and the youth of St. Lucia Chapel set out on their caroling rounds sharply at 8 pm; they had many places to sing that night.
Inside their minibus a group of girls were practicing a rather difficult song, the two twins were looking out of the window, and six boys from the Church School lounged over the back seats, arguing loudly about who's the best singer among them. One of them was dressed as Santa Claus. Everyone seemed to be of the same age. Everyone except their troop in charge of course. Mr. Moss was 42 years old. He had a thick mustache, brown eyes and broad shoulders. All in all, he appeared very gentle. He sat directly behind the driver seat. A guitar lay beside him...
Everything went well. They didn't bother about time since they knew they'd have to sing past midnight. They sang cheerfully at every house, relishing every food item they were given and enjoying their travel in the minibus. It seemed to go on and on. Mr. Moss' fingers grew weak from continuous guitar playing and the teens' throats felt they could use some rest. Suddenly, without warning, the bus came to a stop and almost everyone jerked. Mr. Moss checked his watch. It showed 12:24 AM. He looked out of the window at the large mansion. Not even a single light was turned on inside, as far as he could see through the windows. Normal, he thought, at this hour.
You have so many details crammed into these two paragraphs that they read more like a list than a story. You are setting the scene with so much detail, but for a story this short, it really isn’t important. What happened on the bus and at all of the other houses on their caroling tour that evening have no bearing on the real story that is yet to come. Honestly, all it does is crowd the reader’s imagination with a lot of irrelevant images that they hold on to thinking they’ll be important later since you told them those details, and really them mean nothing at all. You could skip 95% of these two paragraphs and the first-time reader of your story wouldn’t miss them. Pick two or three details and move on to the real story.
These two paragraphs could be trimmed down to five or six sentences:
It was December 23 and the youth of St. Lucia Chapel set out on their caroling rounds sharply at 8 pm; they had many places to sing that night. Mr. Moss, their instructor, sat behind the bus driver, his guitar in the seat beside him. Having sung cheerfully at each house, relishing each holiday treat set out by their hosts, the teens piled back into the bus, ready to give their throats a rest. Just as they settled in, the bus jerked to a halt in front of a darkened mansion. Not a light in the place, Mr. Moss thought, glancing at his watch. He smiled; what else would you expect at 12:24 am?
Here, I chose a few details from the list above: Mr. Moss, his guitar, the cheerful singing of the teenage participants, their gratitude for the refreshments served by their hosts, their tired voices, the sudden stop of the bus, the darkened mansion, and the time. Those were the most relevant details to me.
Everyone got down from the bus and stared at the mansion. One disadvantage about late night carol singing is, if the people in the house have fallen asleep, it takes an awful lot of time to wake them up and it isn't a pleasant feeling singing in front of a closed door you are not sure it will open. The troop had the same feeling as they stared at the dark mansion.
Here again, this is wordy with a lot of details that aren’t really needed. The entire paragraph could be deleted and never missed. If you want to include how they were feeling about singing late at night, you might have Mr. Moss address the issue in his next bit of dialogue. It would make more sense coming from him as a pep-talk rather than being a bland narrative statement.
Mr. Moss turned back facing(ed) the troop.(:) "Ah, just one thing for you to remember: Mrs. Strauss is ...well, a bit unfriendly and she could go awfully short-tempered. So, all I want to say is that mind what you do around her."
"I do wish someone will open the door," said a blond boy rubbing his eyes "This house makes me feel even more sleepy."
"Of course she will and she also gives a huge offering. You had better remember what I said earlier."
They made their way towards the house. It was a long walk from the gate. Now that they were nearer, it appeared even larger.
"She must be rich," said Tina, one of the twins.
"Very," said Mr. Moss. "Very rich. Her husband owns an automobile company. He earns and she spends. That's the rule."
Parts of this are wordy. A lot of it could be included in Mr. Moss’ initial comments to the group upon their arrival at the mansion. Keeping the story as concise as possible and getting back to the original story from the prologue will help maintain the reader’s attention. By this point, may will be wondering about Jason and why you even brought him into the story since he hasn’t appeared yet. If you don’t get to the point you risk loosing your audience. If you allow Mr. Moss to make an inclusive statement instead of chopping the information up into tiny bits of dialogue it will mean more and be more interesting to the reader. It will also allow you and the reader to get to the point of the story without stumbling through the excessive words.
Mr. Moss faced his troop: “I know how unpleasant it can be singing to a closed door, wondering if it will be opened to you. Just remember, Mrs. Strauss can be, well, unfriendly and short-tempered; mind what you do around her and it will be worth the effort. She always gives a huge offering.”
“She must be rich,” said Tina.
“Very,” Mr. Moss emphasized. “Her husband owns an automobile company; he earns and she spends. That’s the rule.”
Through the rest of the story, the same issues arise: wordiness, repetitiveness, and an abundance of information that could be trimmed back to make it more manageable and understandable for the reader. Most of the dialogue is good, but the narrative sections go off on tangents that do nothing but distract the reader from the real storyline.
I’ve gone through the remainder of the story and crossed out sections that aren’t of major importance to the storyline. If you do a rewrite, these portions could be trimmed or left out entirely. I’ve added a few notes throughout using green text so they are easier to find.
Everyone took their positions and Mr. Moss lifted his guitar. They started with 'Joy to the world'. Mr. Moss was shouting "Pitch, pitch, take care of the pitch!" He seemed to be more interested in the pitch than playing guitar. And they were midway through 'O! come' when the door creaked open.
It would make more sense for Mr. Moss to say, “Let’s begin with …. And remember to take care of the pitch” rather than to have him shouting out as the group is singing on someone’s porch after midnight.
The song title should be in title case as well as italicized. You don’t need the single quotes for the title, but for the portion of the verse, they are appropriate. Joy to the World.
You could eliminate the awkward interruption of the verse by simply stating that the door creaked open. See additional note about adding information from a later paragraph.
"Now that was quick," said Ben who was dressed like Santa. …from beneath his Santa beard… would create a stronger visual impact because it would bring the reader closer to the character’s face rather than looking at the scene from a distance.
But the person who opened the door opened it without even turning on the lights. So it was all darkness they could see. As their eyes adjusted to the darkness, they saw a young boy by the door. He was just staring at them with his desolate eyes. He must have been around seven or eight years old.
This portion is not only wordy, but confusing and redundant. The first two sentences could be deleted without missing them. The third sentence doesn’t make sense because if they were standing outside in the darkness their eyes wouldn’t have to adjust to it. The entire passage could be reduced to several words that could be tacked on to the end of the sentence about the door creaking open:
As they were singing, the door creaked open although the house remained shrouded in darkness. In the doorway stood a young boy of seven or eight years, staring out with desolate eyes.
Then you could add the comment made by Ben and go on to the remainder below. This would allow the reader to form a complete image of the door being opened and the person revealed.
"Hello!" greeted Mr. Moss "Where's your mother?"
There’s an extra space that needs to be removed between the closing quotation marks and greeted.
"Doesn't matter," said Mr. Moss, though he was utterly depressed by the news. "What were we singing?"
A statement such as trying to hid his disappointment would give a reader and less wordy reading here. He might also say, “Let’s continue” or “Where were we?”
Even before anyone could answer, the boy stepped back and said "Come in."
There are some words here which aren’t needed. Also, said could be replaced with invited and you need a comma after said before beginning the dialogue.
As they went in, they still found lights weren't turned on. It was pitch dark inside.
You’ve already told the reader that the door opened but no lights were turned on so you don’t need to tell them again. Simply stating that it was dark inside is sufficient.
"Well..now..what's your name? Erm, where are you anyway? I can't see a thing," said Mr. Moss.
"I'm Jason." His footsteps could be heard as he moved quickly away from them.
"Hey, Jason. How come they left you all alone in the house?" frowned Mr. Moss " and actually, they knew we are coming tonight. How come they missed us?"
There are a few dialogue punctuation issues here to be sorted out. If the tag goes with the first portion of dialogue, it needs to be a space closer to the closing quotation marks and should be followed by a period. If it belongs to the second portion of dialogue, it is awkwardly phrased, frowned should be capitalized, there should be a comma after Moss, the quotation marks need to be moved a space closer to and, and that and should be capitalized.
"And why was the room in darkness before we arrived (is it so dark in here)?"
Suddenly the room was (instantly) flooded with light. Jason was standing at the switch board, his head facing (looking) down. He was indeed very young. But it was actually the room that caught their attention more than Jason. **They were in a living room in which everything, from the divan to the wall paintings were ornately decorated. There were many shades of gold and maroon which were just dazzling. The divan particularly had ornate carvings and had a maroon cushion that made it appear majestic. A marble staircase left the room at the farther end into the spacious heights of the mansion. They just stood there, appreciating the luster of everything in that room.
**The remainder of this paragraph is very wordy. You have so much description that it reads like a list, as the portion at the beginning. Choose a few details and move on to the real story. Giving the reader a few basic details will allow them to create the scene in their own mind based on things they have seen and experienced.
"Please sit down. I'll bring something to eat." muttered Jason and (as he) ran from the room.
That was good news indeed and they eagerly (a)waited for him who (his) returned,(. OR ;) a minute (moment) later, with two plates-his fingers trembling as he placed the plates on the table (his small, trembling hands placed two plates on the table).
"That was so nice of you, Jason." Remarked Mr. Moss. "Thanks."
Check punctuation and capitalization around the dialogue.
Even though Mr. Moss reminded them that it's not good manners to eat more, they had a good munch on (They were so busy enjoying) the (delicious) chocolate cake which was just delicious and the plates were empty within seconds. They were so busy eating they didn't notice the boy leaving (Jason had silently left) the room again. This time probably because he didn't say anything before leaving.
"Something's odd around here" whispered Ben "I don't know whether we should talk, I don't know whether we should sing and then this boy...so very odd. He doesn't even seem to notice that I'm Santa."
They (The others) nodded in agreement. A moment later, (When) Jason reappeared. He stretched his right hand in front of him and they knew at once what he meant. Mr. Moss held up the offering pouch and Jason dropped a $100 bill into it (the offering pouch and). He quickly retreated and sat in (to) a nearby chair. They had a very dry talk after that which were mostly 'yes' or 'no' questions and for which Jason was too happy to just nod or shake his head.
And finally Mr. Moss was happy to say (announced), " Well, we'll take (our) leave then." Jason nodded.
"Come on everyone," Mr. Moss said. "And may God bless you Jason."
All of this dialogue could be in one paragraph since Jason’s only response between Mr. Moss’ statements is a nod. After God bless you you could use the phrase young man in place of Jason’s name as you already used it once in the previous and you use it again the next paragraph.
Jason smiled and whispered "Bye."
You’re missing a comma after whispered.
As they moved out of the house Jason closed the door behind them. At that precise moment a car was pulling(ed) up the driveway. It stopped right before them and both Mr(.) and Mrs. Strauss stepped out, not believing her own eyes as she saw the carol troop.
"Oh my madness! I couldn't believe I've missed you for the fifth time," she said. " It just slipped out of my mind."
Extra space.
"How come you are out at this hour?" asked Mr. Moss.
Is it really any of his business that he would so boldly ask?
"Oh..you know Rebecca, don't you Glendon? She invited us for her birthday party and I just forgot you'd be coming today."
If you delete Mr. Moss’ presumptuous questioning, this could be joined to Mrs. Strauss’ previous portion of dailogue.
"And how come you left Jason all alone?"
Here is another question that seems like Mr. Moss is interrogating Mrs. Strauss. It might be better rephrased as: “Not to worry. Jason took care of us, though I was rather surprised he was home alone.”
"I'm sorry, did you just say JASON!"
Italicizing is always better than all caps to emphasize a word or portion of text for your reader. Also, this is a question so should conclude with a question mark.
"It was Jason's funeral."
The name could be italicized again for emphasis.
"WHAT!" every one from the troop (members) gasped.
Italics vs. all caps.
"Jason is dead, you fool. And there was (is) no one in the house."
Mr. Moss turned back. The lights in the living room were off (; the house was again in darkness.
Gloria Strauss was rushing (rushed) to her bedroom***.(,) Her mind seemed to erupt(ed) with thoughts. What she just heard from the carolers can't (couldn’t) be true. How could Jason be alive? How could he ever be alive when it was she herself who killed him.(?) **They must be imagining things. Yes, she thought, **they've had a hallucination. ***By and by, she checked each and every room on her way to her bedroom for any trace of movement. Nothing
There are a lot of wordy portions in here, Some text that should be italicized to distinquish it from the narrative as thoughts (**) and some information that could be rearranged for clarity(***).
Gloria Strauss rushed toward her bedroom, stopping in every room along the way, checking for any sign of movement. Finding nothing, her mind erupted with thoughts. What she’d just heard from the carolers couldn’t be true. How could Jason be alive when it was she herself who had killed him? They must be imagining things, she thought.
Jason wasn't her own son. He was the son of Michael Strauss's first (late) wife. He'd been living with them ever since his mother died. And Gloria Strauss was too (very) disturbed by that. (his presence;) She wanted to have Michael's property, (all to herself;) that was the main reason she married him. And now, (But) this boy called Jason is (was) in her way. **He should be cleared from my way, she thought. On his next birthday, she killed him with a time bomb that she(‘d) acquired from her brother-in-law.
**Italicize thoughts.
Gloria entered into her bedroom and bolted the (her bedroom) door. As she turned around to face the room, the lights went off. She was covered in darkness. She could see nothing and tried to grope her way (Blinded by the darkness she groped her way) towards the bed. And then she saw him.(:) (He was pearly white.)(A white glow was emantating from his translucent body.) Gloria felt a chill run down her spine as she noticed that he was actually floating in mid air.
emantatingemanating
Gloria bolted her bedroom door. As she turned to face the room, the lights went off. Blinded by the darkness she groped her way toward the bed. Then she saw him: a white glow emanated from his pearly, translucent body. Gloria felt a chill run down her spine as she noticed he was actually floating in mid air.
He nodded and slowly lifted (the dagger in) his right hand. Gloria tried to scream but she couldn't. Something deep inside was pressing her. Jason had a dagger in his right hand.
She was struck with horror.(;) Jason's face was ferocious.
"You **KILLED me," he yelled(.) "Say your final prayers", and slowly glided towards her.
**Italics vs. caps.
In the underlined portion you have an error in the punctuation surrounding the dialogue.
You would create a much greater final impact by separating the dialogue from the final sentence:
”You killed me,” he yelled. “Say your final prayers.” He glided slowly toward her…
You have a good start on your story. Trim out the wordiness and the repetitive sections, tighten up the text, and polish it up. It will be worth the work you put into it.
Please feel free to contact me if you have questions about this review.
Write on!
Deborah
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I shut out the entire office--phones, clients, co-workers, everything--and settled in to read the words I longed to hear. And there it was. A JOKE?! A forwarded email joke?Not even a very funny one, just a random, commonly-circulated email joke. I read every word, several times, looking for the slightest nuance that could indicate a meaning behind the actual content. Nothing. I couldn't even bring myself to answer his email. The remainder of the day passed in a dejected fog. Finally, I decided to dash off a witty reply to his lame joke that had been my undoing for the day. At least I could try to salvage some shred of my dignity by matching his cavalier attitude with my nonchalance.
On to the technical stuff...
For a moment I thought about yanking Linda outside and dragging her over to the pool. It was December