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226
226
Review of Hitman  
Rated: E | (4.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

I liked the concept of this story and think, after the contest, it has lots of potential to become a longer short story or book.

SUGGESTIONS

(I stepped into the room, cigarette smoke sweetly in the air, I knew he had been here. The man I’ve been on the hunt going on three years now. His name was unknown to me, closed doors and hushed voices kept their secrets as well as I had kept mine and now look where I am.) I would rewrite. I know it is a limited word count but the beginning didn't capture me and make me want to read on.

(I stepped into the room and smelt the sweet aroma of cigarette smoke tickled my nostrils, my three-year manhunt over. Closed doors and hushed voices kept his secret well; as for me… look where I am. I glance at the crowd, and hang my head; none can save me now. Best kept secret and all that.) This is how I would have written it. I think this has more pop and I have checked the word count and it is the same.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I think this character could be developed but after the contest.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I like this story and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
227
227
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

SUGGESTIONS

I usually write mistakes I see here or things, in my opinion, that need changing; but I think I might give you some words of wisdom I was taught by a monitor on here instead.

1) Get a book called the writers guide and go through it. It is a book listing all the publishers.
2) Find out what genre your book fits into. Don't be worried it fits into lots, just find two or three that you think might like it.
3) Read CAREFULLY the publisher's format. The person who gave this piece of advice is a publisher themselves and hates writers who just send manuscripts not bothering to find out the format of the company.
4) Make sure it is the final copy and not a rough draft.
5) Above all, never settle for second best. Keep trying and you will get there. I too have been duped but if you give in, they have won. Imagine the shock on their faces when they open the paper and see your name on the best sellers list.

There is no plot or character development, so, I'm going to skip that.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Keep smiling and keep fighting; you will get there in the end. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
228
228
Review of A Good Heart  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

The plot was another good one although with this story I found it hard to get into until the very end. The end seemed a bit rushed as well. I started to enjoy it halfway through. The beginning, in my opinion, was too longwinded and very confusing. The plot was, as always, great.

SUGGESTIONS

(Matthew Jones turned from the rain-splattered windowpane, with its depressing view of distant skyscrapers, and soaked in the much more aesthetically pleasing scene two tables away inside the library. The young lady was perfect; ebony skin that shone like silk and a fine-boned face like Nefertiti's. She looked in her twenties, so likely a graduate student who arrived before the start of the Autumn Quarter to impress her tutor. Though not an Ivy League school, The University of Chicago attracted its share of debutantes. This specimen of that species wore a designer suit, and a Louis Vuitton bag hung from her chair back. Ethiopian, or at least her ancestors came from south of the Nile. Back when he was her age, he'd stolen the heart of a Nigerian princess, but she was nothing compared to this queen of Sheba.) This, in my opinion, is too long winded. I would write... (Mathew Jones gazed at the young lady with her ebony skin and fine-boned face and a shiver went down his back -- perfect. The university of Chicago, where he taught Egyptian history, attracted it's share of debutants. The designer skirt suit showed off her long legs and her class.)

He sighed. That was his first, twenty years ago. He returned his attention to the dusty treatise on Egyptology. The funeral rights of Ancient Egypt (had) always fascinated him, his PhD thesis explored the significance behind the removal of organs before mummification, but how could he focus when she sat so close. (Delete as not needed.)

Words like 'how' and 'then' are words that do not add anything to the sentence, someone told me.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I like the way the reader learns the main personality of the character bit by bit. At first, we think he likes sex and rapes his students but then we find out he is sicker than that. The dialogue was realistic as well and very believable.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great story and thank you for sharing. If there is anything else you want me to read, don't hesitate and ask. One thing, I am not sure if you mean to spell 'ought' 'aught'.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
229
229
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

This is a good story. I like the end hook but think the start needs a better one. Maybe start by describing the hole... 'A half-starved rat ran over Jenny's foot as her daughter, Beth moaned... Or, 'she caught a movement out of the corner of her eye. The skinny rat nibbled a crumb as Jenny crept towards it with a makeshift spear. She lifted the weapon and... Her daughter stumbled towards her...

SUGGESTIONS

Beth shuffled over, (tears welling in her green eyes.) “Mom, I'm hungry.” I would add more action... (shivered, and a tear formed in her eye duct.)

“But, why didn't the big fire in the sky burn people?” asked Beth(, jerking Jenny's thoughts back to the present.) I would write... (. (NEW PARAGRAPH) Jenny shook her head to clear away the bygone daydreams.)

Jenny shuffled closer to the stove(,inhaling the sweet scent of wood smoke that always made her feel so homely. If it weren't for the constant gurgling of her stomach, she'd be perfectly content here with her charming man and beautiful daughter.) I would write... (and inhaled the sweet scent of wood smoke. She hugged herself as the warmth of the fire engulfed her inner fears. She closed her eyes and dreamt of a time where her daughter ate and played and her man came home from work to a cooked meal... She sighed as she gazed around the hole, those days are gone and were never coming back.)

(Beth's mouth formed a perfect O as she digested this unbelievable fact.) I would put this as a speech tag and action tag... ("Oh," she mouthed as her eyes opened wider and her jaw slackened.)

“Let's go,” whispered Mat(, tucking the Colt into the back of his belt and hefting his rifle.) I would write... (as he tucked his colt into the back of the belt and threw the rifle over his boney shoulder.)

(Mat nodded, then they split up. He sprinted left while she headed right.) I would word this differently... (Mat nodded as they approached the fence and Jenny peeled off to the left. He turned right and crept along in stealth-mode towards the sound of voices.)

Jenny took a deep breath,(then) edged toward the windowsill and peeked out. (delete)

(The crossbow adult was nursing an injured leg. In the snow, the Garcias' pool was invisible until you came real close, so they probably fell in. The M4 owner was trying to help them limp to the ladder nearby. Bundled in thick clothes, it was impossible to tell if either was male or female, but the presence of a child implied a couple.) I would make it less complicated... (The adult with the crossbow nursed his leg at the bottom of the hard to see Garcias and the other person with the M4 tried to help him climb out. The layers of clothes made it hard to see their sex or nationality.)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I like the build up and the way the characters grow. This and the dialogue is spot on.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good story and thank you for sharing. Hope I helped. If you want me to comment on anything else, let me know. This is my basic template.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
230
230
Review of Know Thine Enemy  
for entry "Chapter 2" 
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

I like the plot as it reminds me of Star Trex. I enjoyed reading it but think it needs more work. I think the beginning hook was very good and the end hook wanted me to read more.

SUGGESTIONS

'Something came through the Chief's earpiece, and he looked distracted as he concentrated on the message. "Ready sir. Just pause a moment after speaking and wait for them to respond to what you say." (He explained, then added,) "I'm sending it to them already in Russian. Careful of idioms sir, they won't translate correctly."' (Don't need to explain. turn into an action or delete)

'Scott nodded and waited. He smiled as the Chief pointed at him (like a stage director indicating he should begin.)"' (Metaphors are good but in this case helps with telling the story and not showing the reader what happens. I would write 'and nodded.')

(Hearing a woman's voice, Scott glanced over at Chief Gavin,who looked uncomfortable realizing he had not warned Scott that the other captain was a woman.) (Scott glanced at Shay (who appeared to be concentrating on the voice as if trying to discern something about the Russian speaker from the simulation.) I would write... (Scott's ears pricked as he heard a woman's voice, he glanced at his chief who shuffled his feet and wouldn't meet the captain's eye.
The captain scowled at his chief, He should have warned me it was a woman.)
(Shay frowned as he heard the woman's voice and scratched his head.)

Using forbidden words in speech and inner thoughts is allowed as it is the way a person speaks. Thoughts can be abstract as well as no one thinks in sentence form.

Scott pursed his lips (thinking.) (delete)

"That is acceptable Captain Matvei. My First Officer will make the arrangements. (See you in three hours.") Scott replied. I don't think this sounds natural. I would write... ("Scott out.")

Commander Shay straightened up, (thinking.) (delete or write frowned.)

("I have the watch." Commander Shay replied taking the vacated chair.) I don't think he would repeat what the captain said. I would write...(Commander Shay saluted. "Yes, sir."

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I think this is a bit lax and would like to see more. The main character at least should be visible by now. Add depth to your characters. Scott, what does he feel, think... who is he? Do his men respect him? Is he a fighter or does he want peace? make him a three-dimensional character. By this I mean could he live outside the book. Hobbies, friends, girlfriend back home...

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good chapter but needs a bit of work still. Hope this helps and if you need me to reread these chapters or read the new ones once written, please don't hesitate to send me a review request. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
231
231
Review of Know Thine Enemy  
for entry "Chapter 1" 
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

This is a better start. The hooks were really good. I would say a bit more emotion. Even the coolest of men will feel something as they face death. Most men will hide it but they will still feel it. 'A tremor, a tingle, a tremble...'

SUGGESTIONS

'Captain Scott jerked awake at the sound of the alert klaxon (blaring, the lights snapping on forced him to squint in pain. ) I would write... (blare. The lights snapped on and forced him to close one eye as his temples throbbed.)

Don't tell your reader he squinted with pain, show them how the pain affected him. Also, try to refrain from using 'ing' words as they are passive and, in writing, the author wants the reader to feel and not merely read their words.

Also, the line where the lieutenant is speaking should be a new paragraph.

' "It will take me a few minutes sir. The lasers on board are for reading identification codes and welding, and we can't modulate the point (defense) lasers. I'll have to put something together." ( Guessing the Captain's next question, he added. "Twenty minutes sir.") This is very quick. I would like a bit more emotion here. I would write...(The captain ran his fingers through his long/short/spiky hair and growled, "how long."
"Twenty minutes sir." His hands shook as he held them behind his back.) (defence)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Only at the very end did I see any main voice. Maybe make it clear who the main character is, especially if you use think processes in your writing. Maybe we can hear his inner voice earlier. This is also a great tool to use to display emotion.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a better chapter than last time. It still needs work but, in my opinion, you are moving in the right direction.

Sorry, the review was a bit late but this is the first time I have logged in this month. University has started and I needed to settle before I timetabled anything else. Next week I shall be back on this site, although not as much as summer. I will try and review chapter 2 tomorrow if I can. Thank you for sharing.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
232
232
Review of Know Thine Enemy  
for entry "Chapter 2" 
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

I like the plot as it reminds me of Star Trex. I enjoyed reading it but think it needs more work. I think the beginning hook was very good and the end hook wanted me to read more.

SUGGESTIONS

'Something came through the Chief's earpiece, and he looked distracted as he concentrated on the message. "Ready sir. Just pause a moment after speaking and wait for them to respond to what you say." (He explained, then added,) "I'm sending it to them already in Russian. Careful of idioms sir, they won't translate correctly."' (Don't need to explain. turn into an action or delete)

'Scott nodded and waited. He smiled as the Chief pointed at him (like a stage director indicating he should begin.)"' (Metaphors are good but in this case helps with telling the story and not showing the reader what happens. I would write 'and nodded.')

Hearing a woman's voice, Scott glanced over at Chief Gavin, (who looked uncomfortable realizing he had not warned Scott that the other captain was a woman.) Scott glanced at Shay (who appeared to be concentrating on the voice as if trying to discern something about the Russian speaker from the simulation.) I would write... (who shuffled his feet and wouldn't meet the captain's eye.
The captain scowled at his chief, He should have warned me it was a woman.)
(Shay frowned as he heard the woman's voice and scratched his head.)

Using forbidden words in speech and inner thoughts is allowed as it is the way a person speaks. Thoughts can be abstract as well as no one thinks in sentence form.

Scott pursed his lips (thinking.) (delete)

"That is acceptable Captain Matvei. My First Officer will make the arrangements. (See you in three hours.") Scott replied. I don't think this sounds natural. I would write... ("Scott out.")

Commander Shay straightened up, (thinking.) (delete or write frowned.)

("I have the watch." Commander Shay replied taking the vacated chair.) I don't think he would repeat what the captain said. I would write...(Commander Shay saluted. "Yes, sir."

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I think this is a bit lax and would like to see more. The main character at least should be visible by now. Add depth to your characters. Scott, what does he feel, think... who is he? Do his men respect him? Is he a fighter or does he want peace? make him a three-dimensional character. By this I mean could he live outside the book. Hobbies, friends, girlfriend back home...

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good chapter but needs a bit of work still. Hope this helps and if you need me to reread these chapters or read the new ones once written, please don't hesitate to send me a review request. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
233
233
Review of Know Thine Enemy  
for entry "Chapter 1" 
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

This is a better start. The hooks were really good. I would say a bit more emotion. Even the coolest of men will feel something as they face death. Most men will hide it but they will still feel it. 'A tremor, a tingle, a tremble...'

SUGGESTIONS

'Captain Scott jerked awake at the sound of the alert klaxon (blaring, the lights snapping on forced him to squint in pain. ) I would write... (blare. The lights snapped on and forced him to close one eye as his temples throbbed.)

Don't tell your reader he squinted with pain, show them how the pain affected him. Also, try to refrain from using 'ing' words as they are passive and, in writing, the author wants the reader to feel and not merely read their words.

Also, the line where the lieutenant is speaking should be a new paragraph.

' "It will take me a few minutes sir. The lasers on board are for reading identification codes and welding, and we can't modulate the point (defense) lasers. I'll have to put something together." ( Guessing the Captain's next question, he added. "Twenty minutes sir.") This is very quick. I would like a bit more emotion here. I would write...(The captain ran his fingers through his long/short/spiky hair and growled, "how long."
"Twenty minutes sir." His hands shook as he held them behind his back.) defence)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Only at the very end did I see any main voice. Maybe make it clear who the main character is, especially if you use think processes in your writing. Maybe we can hear his inner voice earlier. This is also a great tool to use to display emotion.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a better chapter than last time. It still needs work but, in my opinion, you are moving in the right direction.

Sorry, the review was a bit late but this is the first time I have logged in this month. University has started and I needed to settle before I timetabled anything else. Next week I shall be back on this site, although not as much as summer. I will try and review chapter 2 tomorrow if I can. Thank you for sharing.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
234
234
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings anigh

I am reviewing "The Lorelei Chronicles (First Chapter)"  today as part of the "Chapter One Competition. " .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !


OVERALL IMPRESSION
WHAT WORKED
WHAT DIDN'T WORK
OPENING PARAGRAPH
PLOT

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I found this funny, although, I preferred the second part to the first part as the beginning didn't get going until the bone lady appeared. I enjoyed the storyline and laughed all the way through. The pace was very slow, at first, but picked up in the middle and finished with a strong link to the next chapter.

WHAT WORKED

I liked the dialogue between the human and wizard. That was funny and entertaining. Also, I enjoyed the fact the writer spoke directly to the reader. It gave me a feeling of being part of the story and a familiarity towards the main character.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

The first two or three paragraphs before the bone lady.I liked the first sentence and a brief description of the background would have been enough, in my opinion. The rest didn't add anything to the story and I found them a bit tedious to read.

OPENING PARAGRAPH

I like the first sentence. The 'My name is Michael Alastair Reeve and I am -- for lack of a better term -- a wizard,' did what it was supposed to do; it made me sit up and take notice.

PLOT

The plot was entertaining. A wizard that kills demon books are all the rage these days and this one was, not only funny, it was entertaining as well.

Thank you for sharing and keep writing.

NAME DMT1967 AKA JACKIE

"Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis" 


235
235
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

Greetings zhencoff

I am reviewing "Sylvester & Tuette: Cursed Doubt - Ch. 1"  today as part of the "Chapter One Competition. " .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !

THINGS I LIKE
YOUR WRITING
(MISTAKES AND CORRECTIONS
TIPS

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

The idea is a good one, although I am not sure the plot is as clear as it should be. I think the kingstone is an amulet and he is kept conscious by it and there you lose me. The beginning hook is good but needs more action and emotion, how did the king feel as he knew the dead would rise,to make it great. The end hook didn't excite me either. I should have felt at least a tingle but I felt nothing. I like the storyline but wished the plot was clearer, also, the pace was very slow and it jumped from one scene to the next too quickly.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND DIALOGUE

The main character, the king, didn't develop at all. The reader, me, didn't feel him at all. I wanted to know what he thought, how he felt... but it was written without even a hint at his personality or traits. I liked the dialogue, though. It was natural and wasn't cluttered with speech tags.

SUGGESTIONS

1) Try not to use words like 'was' and 'had' as they are passive words and associated with telling a story, not showing it.

'The murky sea rolled below him, each wave’s crest a dead body. (The moonlight glinted on jewels the dead had been buried with. King Sylvester knew that the dead were his ancestors and they always did the same thing: they would rise.) On the rocky edge, he stared down, unable to move or look away from this cliff and the sea of dead below. I would write... (The moonlight caught the silver jewellery of the buried bodies and king Sylvester looked away as the dead corpses of his ancestor's rose like they always did.)

2) Try to avoid 'in' words as they too are associated with telling.

(Lumbering along, the corpse kings stood tall on the cliff and surrounded Sylvester. They smelled of bile and excretions, sour water and rotten seaweed. (If anything, Sylvester wished he could vomit, but that too was frozen inside, a seed of digested foods and failures.) I would write... (He stumbled as he looked up and saw his ancestor's stood on the hill. They surrounded him as he smelt their decomposed bodies and he felt an ooze rise in his throat. He tried to spit it out but it stuck in his tube and wouldn't move.)

The dead ambled behind Sylvester,( looking at the living king’s neck, at the kingstone there. Usually, his hair was longer, covering the stone. Now it was short, exposing the base of his skull for these rotting relics.) “Go ahead and stare. It’s only a showpiece! The almighty kingstone we all share will always be worthless!” I would write... (as they peered at the king's neck and the kingstone.)

3) Try to refrain from using 'ly' words as publishers don't like them either.

The dead reached for their own necks with waterlogged limbs; (remnants of the sea they unknowingly carried fell to the ground with wet slaps and splashes.) As each touched his own neck and the kingstone there, twisted crowns appeared on their heads. Unable to move and touch his own stone, Sylvester knew no such ornament would materialize on his scalp.) I would write... (remnants of the sea fell on the ground like footprints as they lumbered along.)

4)Try not to put similes and metaphors so close together as it confuses the reader. Something can't be like blood or puss. It can be like puss oozing out of blood, though.

'With each puncture, frothy water spewed (like blood, like puss.) The thick liquid flew at King Sylvester, ropy and rancid. I would write... (like the white puss which oozes out of a wound before the red blood escapes.)

5) Make sentences less complicated.

(“Take it, take it, take it…” He said this until his own blood mixed with the putrid sea water and tried climbing into his mouth and nose.) I would write... (his own blood mixed with the putrid sea water. "Take it," he screamed as he...


(He screamed, choked, coughed, and screamed again, before succumbing to the salvation of dawn and the dreamless day that would follow.) I would write this as dialogue... ("Arr, choke, arr." The sun rose in the sky and the king's brain melted away into a nightmare world.)

King Sylvester (had never known) any of the experiences firsthand that the royal journals described. He had no insight about political affairs, no visions of what has happened before and how to avoid mistakes again, nothing. He was blind to his blood’s past. But being of King Gould and bearing the only kingstone, there was no other to lead Decennia. (never knew)

FINAL THOUGHTS

This could be a good novel with a little work. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing.

NAME: DMT1967 AKA JACKIE

"Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis" 



'


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
236
236
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

STRUCTURE

This poem is relatively small, only consisting of five stanzas. The first, third and fourth stanza only has four lines in its makeup, while the second stanza has two and the last stanza has seven lines. I like this ununified approach and the way, due to very little punctuation it sounded. The reader rushes it like a waterfall as the words gush out of the reader's mouth. The full stop gives the reader a break until the next flood of words occur. I liked the structural integrity if this poem.

TONE

The tone suggests joy and faith. It reminds me of that song which starts with... 'there may be trouble ahead' and ends with 'let's face the music and dance.' I enjoyed this poem and it filled me with joy and faith in my fellow man and a supreme power.

STYLE

I think this is freestyle as the lines are of different length. I like those kinds of poems as they don't seem to have any rules and regulations at all.

TITLE

The poem and title fit like a glove as the poem is about beings not of this world who fly down and take suffering away. This matches with the title on so many different levels, so, well done on the choice.

IMAGE

The image in my mind is a heard of angels flying down to Earth to carry someone's soul away.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great poem and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
237
237
Review of The Rejection  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

I like the storyline.

SUGGESTIONS

1) IT NEEDS TO BE LONGER. THIS IS THE SEX CHANGE OPERATION, I TAKE IT, SO THERE SHOULD BE MORE EMOTION. I KNOW AS I USED TO WORK IN A TRANSEXUAL CLUB.
2) SHOW, DON'T TELL. REFRAIN FROM USING WORDS LIKE 'WAS' 'HAD' 'BEEN' AS THEY ARE ALL PASSIVE AND TELLING WORDS. ALSO, WORDS ENDING IN 'LY' AND 'ING'

'Remembering how wonderful she'd felt the last few days, Gabby stared dumbstruck out the window watching the man she'd been falling for back out of the driveway, then drive down the road, the car becoming smaller with each passing moment. A single tear had begun developing in her eye, until its mass tipped it over her lid like a car on a roller-coaster, and it streamed down her cheek, leaving a path behind. She stared in silence watching him disappear, shrinking until he was barely a discernible dot at some point on the horizon.' I WOULD WRITE... 'Gabby stared in horror as the man of her dreams backed out of the house, turned and darted for his car. A tear ran down her cheek as he drove away and disappeared over the hill.'

She punched the line for Heather, (then began pressing keys) “He took off after told him. I need to do something. Jet's tonight?” I WOULD WRITE... (and started to press the numbers of her phone number with the keypad.'

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The story is too short for the reader to get a feel for the character. It needs to be longer. Maybe this could be how it starts then you could have flashbacks to how they met...

FINAL THOUGHTS

This could be a great story if developed a bit more. If you need any more help like reviewing other stories or help in any other way, please let me know. Thank you for sharing. If you do decide to rewrite this story and want me to review it again, just let me know.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
238
238
Review of The Cuckoo Clock  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*




'Must not be (for) meant for me' (DELETE)

STRUCTURE

This poem is made up of different length lines in the stanzas. The poem is irregular as in some of the verses rhyme and some don't. This poem is very unorthodox and I like it as it doesn't follow the rules of any poetry I have read. It is edgy and cannot be put in a box as I cannot really class it as free verse or blank verse and wouldn't say it is a sonnet either. I enjoyed his poem because it is just a poem.

TONE

The tone is disbelieve and sadness. The woman is sad because, deep down, she knows her son is dead;but she cannot believe it is her son and refuses to believe he died as he told her he would be back. This poem brought a lump to my throat as I felt desperation in the woman's voice as well.

STYLE

This poem is written in an unorthodox rhyming way and is very well-written.

TITLE

The title is good as the poem builds up to the title. The woman is waiting until the cuckoo clock strikes three for her son to return but he never will keep that date.

IMAGE

I picture a woman with a telegram in her hand looking at a cuckoo clock and waiting for a son who is never going to return. She cries for her dead son but can't believe he is gone, so, she waits... in case it is a mistake.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I love this poem and thank you for sharing.


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239
239
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



STRUCTURE

This poem has irregular lines and five stanzas. I enjoyed the rap vibe I got from it and the beat. The rhyming meter is all over the place as well, although they are controlled somewhat and are only half-rhymes a lot of them. I like the way the sound is very clicky. I can imagine me singing this and clicking my fingers. There is very little punctuation and this gives the poem a runaway train feel about it.

TONE

The tone is unbelievable. The poet cannot understand what the western world has done wrong to be killed in this way. I like the tone as most people can relate to it and interact with the poem. There is also an underline of hate and forgiveness being pushed out of the window.

STYLE

The form it is written in is half rhyme and full rhyme words at the end of lines. The way it rhymes is very unorthodox too. I like this type of poem.

TITLE

The title matches the poem quite well. 'I don't know why' is what the poem is all about.

IMAGE

The image in my head is people standing around scratching their heads. Who knows why a group of people want to blow up another group of people and say it's for peace.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing.


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240
240
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

This is a good story as far as I can tell. It makes me want to read on and that means it is a good start. Remember, this is just my opinion, so, take what you think is useful and disregard the rest.

SUGGESTIONS

1) DON'T SHOW,TELL
2) REFRAIN FROM USING 'HAD' 'WAS' 'BEEN' AND 'ING' WORDS AS THEY TEND TO BE REDUNDANT WORDS AND TELLING WORDS.
3) REFRAIN FROM OVER EXPLAINING YOURSELF. MOST READERS LOVE TO FIND THINGS OUT AS THE STORY PROGRESSES.

'After 10 minutes of uncomfortable small talk and uncertainty of where she was being taken, Lyn showed her to a quiet bridge near the train station. It was small and already filled with others trying to escape the streets that lie above.' I would write,,, 'They walked past the train station and under the bridge. Lyn stopped, turned and grinned. "Welcome," she whispered.'

'Her leg was still throbbing from her embarrassing fall earlier so she tried to straighten it, hoping it would soon heal.' I would write... 'Her leg throbbed from an earlier fall.'

(The blanket was dirty and had a dozen tiny tears in it but looked like it would do the job.) She lay on the cold hard concrete and pretended she was somewhere else other than there. Lyn's back pressed against hers and although it rubbed against the dressing stuck to her back, it left nice to feel the warmth of another person on her skin.)( As she drifted off to sleep , she couldn't help but think)
How the hell am I gonna keep this secret?

I would write... (The blanket smelt of urine and looked more like a rag. It felt rough against her bare skin but she pulled it around herself and lay on the hard concrete floor. she shut her eyes and imagined a warm beach somewhere away from there. Lyn lay down beside her and the girl felt the warmth of her body under the blanket.) (delete)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Too soon to really say but looks promising.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Good start and if you want me to rereview or review anything else, let me know. Thank you for sharing.


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241
241
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*




STRUCTURE

The lines are uniformed as in they are the same length most of the time and the verses are made up of a different number of lines. The poem doesn't rhyme and there is very little punctuation except in the last verse where every line, almost, has a punctuation symbol attached to it. I think, for me, this made the poem a bit jerky as it sounded like a runaway train that, every so often, had their brakes pulled hard.

TONE

I hear bitterness in this poem and regret but also acceptance and forgiveness. I think this poem tells a story and that is why I like some of it. I also think it rambles on too much and overuses 'her' too much and 'lie'. Try using other words that mean the same as, in my opinion, this will give the poem a little more life.

STYLE

The style would be more blank verse than free verse as the lines are roughly the same size and it is more of how a person feels rather than anything else. I like these feeling poems as long as they are not too melancholy, and yours is not.

TITLE

The title fits the poem as the poet is expressing how funny life is.

IMAGE

I see a man who starts off blaming life for his pitfalls but, by the end of the poem, can see the funny side.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a nice poem and if you need anything else, let me know.


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242
242
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

It is a good story and start to something. It just needs a bit of work and you will get there.

SUGGESTIONS

If this is the first chapter of a book, it is very sloppy and confusing. This is my opinion only and how I would write it is also only me. Take what you will and disregard the rest.

"Paps, Are you sure this is safe?" Sans asked Paps, holding his arm tighter.
"Of course it is! I would never put you in danger." Paps said puting his hands in his sweatshirt pockets. He seemed annoyed that Sans was nearly crushing his arm.
"Take your hands out of your pockets you could fall, this is a narrow ledge!" Sans yelled nearly making Paps fall off the ledge. "Where only up here to get Flowey who is stuck and needs our help!" Sans steps on a weak spot on the ledge and he fell
"Sans!" Paps yelled forming a gaster blaster, it caught Sans putting him back on the ledge
"Thank you Paps." Sans said hugging Paps.
"Im just glad your ok." Paps said nealing down and hugging Sans. Paps then noticed that the spot were Sans fell was completely broken off there was no way to get back.
(I understand Paps could use the gaster blaster but for the sake of making this interesting)
They started to walk twards the spot where Flowey was stuck, Paps moved all the rocks away from Flowey, Picked him up and gave him to Sans.
"So how are we going to get down?" Sans said looking around to find a way to get down then he saw...' I WOULD WRITE...

'Sans held paps arm and gazed over the ledge. "Paps is this safe," she whimpered.
Paps sighed and narrowed his eyes. "Yes, perfectly safe. Like I would get you to do anything dangerous." He rolled his eyes and put his hands in his pockets.
"Take your hands out of your pockets," San's screeched. "Do you want us to fall?"
Sans yanked at Paps arm and slipped. He fell and paps put out his hand and caught the back of his shirt collar. He pulled the girl back onto the ledge.
"Come on, let's get that wretched animal of yours and get down from here."
Paps gazed down. "Em, Sans..."
"Sansa patted herself down. "Yes, paps."
"I think when you fell you broke the branches we climbed up on. There's no way down."
Sans face fell. "Oh, sugar. Then how do we get down." She glanced around and... "Wait Paps, I see someone," she cried.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The characters here look promising and I can see great growth and development to come.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great start and, with a little work, you could have a great book. If you want any more stuff reviewed, just ask. Thank you for sharing.


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243
243
Review of I Want You Baby  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



STRUCTURE

The poem is made up of three verses. The first two have four lines of similar length. In the first verse the first and third end word rhymes and the second and fourth line rhyme as well. In the second verse only the second and fourth line rhyme. The last verse is made up of five lines where only the third and fourth line rhyme and the second and last line share a sound. I liked this as it was kind of wild to read something that didn't follow the rules.

TONE

The tone is filled with desire and pleading. The man wants his woman and lusts after her body. It is a love song filled with passion and I loved that about it. I enjoyed the emotion it brought out of me. This is not just lust, however, as I heard a love poem as well.

STYLE

The style was more of a song like you stated, but it also worked as a poem. I loved the beat and the words reminded me of a song by Justin Timberlake. I liked the words very much.

TITLE

The title fitted the poem very well as the man in the poem wanted his lady.

IMAGE

I imagine two people in bed making passionate love. I won't go into what else I am imagining lol, after all, this is a family show.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing.


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244
244
Review of The Cheshire Cat  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

I like the way it was written as it reminded me os a Disney wildlife story. This is extremely well done.

SUGGESTIONS

'And yet, even in this strange land with its many (strangenesses), there is one thing we may recognise, which are human beings.' (weird and wonderful things)

'They look (allot) like you or I, give or take a limb or an eye, and our world might be as curious and frightening to them as theirs is to us. (a lot)

It is a place feared (and) respected and avoided. (,)

Their fur may be pale purple(or) deep blue (blue) or poppy red or a combination of many colours. (,) (delete)

In the (kingâs) mind, this was all certain. Such was his arrogance, and cause of many things to come. (kings)

Naturally, things did not go according to the (kingâs) internal script. (kings)

I would also, show the king and cat having a conversation and the king raging war on the cats.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENTS

I hope there are more chapters. Even this short piece told me heaps about the characters and their traits. The king was an ass for one. I would have liked the king to live and the kitten growing up and taking his revenge.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good start to a book. I wish you all the best with it. If you want me to read anything else, or if you develop this one and would like me to take a look, send me a line. Thank you for sharing.


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245
245
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

I like the thought of rude boy's being tickled but I think it needs more. The tickle thing is a good start but gets boring once you repeat it over and over. I get it's a comedy as well but couldn't we have custard pies thrown at the boys... or something funny like that.

SUGGESTIONS

This story needs more of an edge to be classed as horror. In my opinion, it needs a major rewrite. For one there was too much telling and not enough showing. It was very repetitive, some sentences didn't make sense and was far too wordy.

Austin (had) set up his TV and was sitting on one of the couches, his sneakered feet propped up on the table in front of him. He (had on) a baseball cap, jeans, and a T-shirt. Senghoon, who was competing against him, wore a sweatshirt, sweatpants, moccasins, and socks. (delete as 'had' is an irrelevant and telling word like 'was' 'than' and 'then') (wore)

(They were disturbed by pounding on the door followed by fits of laughter. Joe rolled his eyes annoyed but went to open the door.) I WOULD WRITE... (Someone banged on the door and Austin sighed. "Who could that be at this hour."
He walked to the door and reached out a hand to touch the handle, but before he could open the door a wild laugh could be heard outside. His hand froze and a cold shiver crept down his spine. He shook himself,smiled at his reaction and turned the handle.)/c}

(He was dressed in a large overcoat and dark pants.) I WOULD WRITE... (His large overcoat flapped in the wind and his dark pants gave the illusion of him being legless.)

The arms that emerged from the monster’s back were long enough to (teach) over his shoulders and grab Joe’s wrists, holding them in the air above his head. (reach)

The monster turned his (turned his) attention back to Joe. (delete)/c}

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

This is well done. We get to know the boys are rude. It would be nice if the monster had a name or belonged to the rudeness police or something that gives this story an edge.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I liked the theme but think it needs to be rewritten a little. This could be a great story, in my opinion, with a little work. If you want me to view the others or, after the work, read this one again...let me know. Thank you for sharing.



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246
246
Review of Dirt  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



STRUCTURE

The poem is made up of one stanza which has ten lines and no punctuation. This gives it the feel of a poem rushing along like the water of a waterfall as it hits the lake below. I like this effect and if this is the effect you wanted... well, it worked. I enjoyed the rush and, because of no full stops, the reader can only read it one way... taking no breaths or rest bites until the end.

TONE

The poem starts with a sober tone. Nothing grows in a wasteland and this makes the reader feel the poets desperation until about the middle of the poem when the poet gives the reader hope. A seed can grow, even in a wasteland. The reader feels the hope the poet does... good can come out of evil, there is life, even if all hope is gone... we can survive, even in the bleakest of moments. I like this poem.

STYLE

This is a blank verse no rhyming poem. I think this style of poetry works very well with this poem and enjoyed reading it.

TITLE

The title fits with the poem as the poem is about a wasteland metaphor and there is a lot of dirt.

IMAGE

I picture a man down on his luck finding out life isn't all that bad and, as humans, we can survive most things.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good poem. Just a few mistakes below...

'No traces of what was (ment) to grow.' (meant)

'If he dares (out)' I would change to (to)

Thank you for sharing.


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247
247
Review of I'm not old  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



STRUCTURE

The poem is made up of four stanzas comprising of four lines each. There is punctuation on each line which gives the poem body and makes the poem sound defiant. I liked this poem very much and can relate to it, although at times I feel one hundred and three lol. I like the foundation and the way it is written and enjoyed reading it a lot. The poem isn't too long or too short but just about right for what it is trying to say.

TONE

The tone is defiant and I sense some anger due to society telling the poet they are old because of their age and not their mind. The western world relies on numbers to tell them how they should treat people. Me, I say, don't see with your eyes but use your heart to look at people.

STYLE

The style is a rhyming one and I like the sing-song effect it had on my ears when read out loud. There are a lot of full rhymes with a few half rhymes in there too.

TITLE

The title fits the poem well as the poem is about getting older but still young in mind and soul.

IMAGE

I see a woman, eyes aglow standing up to the world that thinks anyone older than thirty is old and not with it. I like her attitude.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great poem and thank you for sharing.


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248
248
Review of The Noiseless Elf  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


STRUCTURE

This is a very long poem made up of twelve stanzas. Each stanza is constructed of five lines. There are a lot of specialised punctuation in this, which I like. It gives the poem more of a body and the reader more of a feel to the poem. Each line starts with a capital letter and gives the previous line a full stop where there is none. This poem needs to be read a different way to your previous poems and I can see a different side to the poet, which I like.

TONE

The tone to start with is hurt, but half way down it changes to anger and hurt. After that, it gets defiant and in the end complacent. The tone of a man being used.

STYLE

This is a rhyming poem. The meter is uninformed as it goes from an ABCCD to an ABCCB with a few more different meters in between. I enjoyed it though as it broke the rules and I am a bit of a rebel without a clause myself lol. This was one of my favourite poems I have read of yours.

TITLE

The title is good if a bit misleading. I thought it would be about a gnome but, as it turns out, it was a metaphor for the poet. I thought this very clever and loved the way it was written.

IMAGE

As I have said, the picture in my head is a man who feels the woman is using him. He is hurt and angry at the same time. He wants revenge but is willing to play along until the time is right.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Another great poem and thank you for sharing.


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249
249
Review of Secret Cave Swim  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

CONGRATULATIONS ON FEATURING IN THE AUGUST SHOWCASE.

THIS IS JUST ONE PERSON OPINION. TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND LEAVE THE REST ON THE ROADSIDE FOR THE BINMEN LOL.


PLOT

I like this story but feel it needs to grow. The scene you painted is good but It needs more action... maybe explain a back story or is this the first chapter of your book?

SUGGESTIONS

(She crept up, stealthy like the moon on its evening path.) This is a good metaphor but, in my opinion, it needs more. I would write... (She used the shadows as cover and crept up to the lake. Her footsteps muffled by her lack of footwear and her ears on full alert for any sound, she began to edge closer to her cool blue waters edge.')

(Her eyes searched the shadows for movements and round shapes differing from the sharp edges of the surrounding rocks.) I would write... (Her eyes scanned the dark for any movement, anything which seemed out of place and abnormal to the rocks which surrounded the area of the drinking hole.)

She’d learned (that) they often hid there, but that holding still was difficult for them. (delete)

The first few swallows seemed to be absorbed (insider) her cracked, dry mouth and stick in her desiccated throat. Then a cool relief finally slipped into her belly which begged for more. She stopped, knowing she couldn’t drink too much too fast. She took another, less careful look around before slipping quietly into the water. Her body quivered at the cool temperature. She dunked her head, then drank another few swallows as her mouth sat at water level and she listened to the drips from her nose and brow, barely audible above the streams of water coming from the openings in the ceiling. Then she stretched herself out, long across the top of the water and began graceful strokes across the stretch of open water, taking swallows from time to time. This paragraph paints a nice picture in my head and is very well-written. (inside)

(There was a feeling of power over her circumstances blended with fear that at any moment, she could be discovered, and if she were, here, in the water, would be a terrible place for it to happen.) I would rewrite this as it is very jerky and confusing. Maybe something like... (She felt the power absorb her until she remembered the chance of being discovered outweighed her chances of getting away. She started to tremble at the thought of being captured again.)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I think this needs work as we have no real mark to base this woman on. We don't know her name or where she is from. Why she is on the run or even, from whom. The reader has to relate to the woman. We need to feel her emotion.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I like this story but feel it would make a better book. This is the kind of book I'd pay good money to read. Thank you for sharing.


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250
250
Review of That suits me  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

CONGRATULATIONS ON FEATURING IN THE AUGUST SHOWCASE.

THIS IS JUST ONE PERSON OPINION. TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND LEAVE THE REST ON THE ROADSIDE FOR THE BINMEN LOL.


STRUCTURE{c}

The poem is composed in the form of four, three line poems. There is no, or very little punctuation and I like the rush this poem seems to be in. I would suggest making it a one verse poem as the lines are interlinked and, in my opinion, makes the poem feel jerky when I read it out loud. It is like a story of a memory of a woman who needs a suit and cannot decide what one to get. I enjoyed the way it was written and the instructional telling of this piece. The structure was very cleverly written.

TONE

The tone is very matter of fact. This isn't a fictional fantasy but a story about a woman who wants to buy a suit and can't decide on the colour. The woman changes her tone and becomes more ready to decide, even though she feels buying a suit is not really her, she picks a green one.

STYLE

This is not a sonnet as the syllabus count is irregular. I would say this style isn't freestyle as the lines are pretty uniformed. My guess would be blank verse as the poem doesn't rhyme and is about a woman's actions and thought process.

TITLE

This is an unusual title but an accurate one for this poem as the poem is all about the method the poet has for buying a suit.

IMAGE

I can picture a man in a suit shop looking at suits. He scratches his head, should he or shouldn't he buy one. He finally decides on yes, picks up a green one and pays as quickly as he can. He runs home, chucks the suit in the closet... never to be spoken or seen again lol.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great poem and thank you for sharing.


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