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201
201
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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"Game of Thrones" 

This review is affiliated with games of thrones.

STRUCTURE

This is a good poem and the structure is very sound.There is very little punctuation which gives it a feel of a run away poem. The structure of telling an emotion works in this poem as the reader can get the frustration by the lack of commas and full stops. When a thought process happens we do not think in sentences and you have captured this here very nicely.

TONE

The tone I get from this is anger. Anger of an illness, beyond the poets control, that affects their life and their quality of living. I had a friend who suffered with this and you have captured how they felt about it perfectly. The voice you used, other sufferers can relate to.

STYLE

The style this poem is written in is free verse, which fits this poem rather well. Free verse, in my opinion, is all about expressing ones feelings and showing the emotional turmoil of ones thoughts and feelings.

TITLE

The title fits the poem as the poet keeps referring to the blood they can taste in their mouth. The title is a good choice for this poem.

IMAGE

I can see a woman who detests the needle and is filled with anger at a situation beyond her control. Your words paint a picture and, to me, that is the first step to being a great poet.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing.
202
202
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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"Game of Thrones" 

This review is affiliated with games of thrones.

PLOT

I liked this story. The two brothers fighting over a girl and using the weather as the opposed brothers was very original.

SUGGESTIONS

'I need to make myself heard, it has been too long since I have, thought Lightning. Everything is perfect, the ground is dry, the trees are brittle and it won't be this way much longer.' I would rearrange this slightly. 'Lightening frowned, I needed to make myself heard. It has been too long. Everything is perfect...' Putting his thoughts into italics makes it more dramatic, in my opinion and does away with the thought tag as it is not needed.

Also, I would show, not tell the brother's feud and how there mother felt knowing her two boys were fighting again. In my opinion, this story needs a bit of depth and emotion injected in to it.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The reader gets the feel of the characters straight away. Lightning is a love sick teenager, Wind is the evil, jealous sibling and Mother Nature is the harassed mum who has to sort it out.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Very well thought out and thank you for sharing.
203
203
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

"Game of Thrones" 

This review is affiliated with games of thrones.

PLOT

The plot is good but you need to re structure the story, in my opinion. The story line is hard to follow and it lost me in a couple of places. You need to re read it and work on making it less complicated.

SUGGESTIONS

1) EACH PERSON SPEAKING NEEDS A NEW LINE.
2) TRY NOT TO USE THE SAME WORD CLOSE TOGETHER. 'He (then) walked over to the back when he saw Katelyn standing at the (back). (THERE)
3) DON'T USE (THEN) AS IT MAKES SENTENCES SOUND LIKE LISTS AND IS NOT NEEDED.
4) TRY TO MIMALISE THE 'ING' WORDS AS THEY TELL MORE THAN SHOW. THE THOUGHT PROCESS, IN MY OPINION, GIVES THE FEEL OF SHOWING AND IT HELPS WITH THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AS WELL. IT GIVES THE READER THE INSIGHT INTO THE NARRATOR MIND AND THUS GIVES THE READER THAT CONNECTION.

Katelyn nodded in agreement. "I was also thinking (that--" she then) stopped as a large black airship rose out from the sea of clouds and maneuvered around the (Stormlight). (that. She) (spot-light or spot light)

5) KEEP TO THE CORRECT TENSE..

Ronan chuckled as she twirled, kicked, (leap, and clap) her hands before putting them back on her sides. (leaped and clapped) Present tense claps and clap - past tense clapped.

6)SHOW MORE EMOTION AND INTRODUCE LESS CHARACTERS WHEN STARTING THE STORY. a READER NEEDS, IN MY OPINION, TO BOND WITH THE CHARACTERS. IF THERE ARE TOO MANY, THE READER TENDS TO BECOME UNFOCUSED AND THAT IS WHERE YOU WILL LOOSE THEM.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I didn't feel any of the characters and all of them, in my opinion, were two dimensional. A character, in my opinion, needs to be able to function in the real world but your dialogue was realistic and very well done.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I think, with a lot of work, this book could be very good. You have a good ear for conversations and an imaginative story line. If you need me to re read it once the work is done and give you a more detailed review, let me know. Thank you for sharing.
204
204
Review of Miguel's Duty  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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"Game of Thrones" 

The review is affiliated to games of thrones.

PLOT

This is a good story and I like the starting hook. It started with action and the first sentence intrigued me and made me want to continue reading. The end hook was good as well and left me wondering. The story line got me going and is very apt as a lot of countries tend to have tyrants as leaders. I liked it.

SUGGESTIONS

'Copy that,” he replied, (then) scanned the moonlit, city street for danger. An owl hooted, and crickets chirped in the bushes. (and) This sounds more of an action than a telling scene. Using words like 'then' gives it a list feel. 'and then I did this and then I did that...'

Miguel (had) personally investigated every parked vehicle, doorway, and shrub in sight. (delete) Redundant word and not needed.

Miguel (hadn't voted for the man, and none of his friends or family had.) This is very long winded. (didn't know a single person who voted for the man)

(As the group drew closer, the President mumbled a disparaging remark that carried on the slight breeze, joking about how safe a vehicle could be with a woman driver.) I would put this in speech marks as this will show and not tell what he said. (The group moved nearer. "Woman drivers. At least they cause less accidents with there slow snail like driving," the president mumbled.)

He (pulled) in a breath, tensed his stomach, (grit) his teeth, and rolled. (inhaled) (gritted)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENTS

The main character is a loving father and the reader gets the feel of him straight away. A bit more emotion when he talks about his daughter and his dislike for the president might be needed here, in my opinion, but that is just self periferal. The dialogue is realistic and so are the characters.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great story and thank you for sharing.
205
205
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Remember this is only my opinion.

PLOT

This is really a good story line and the end hook really left me wanting more.

SUGGESTIONS

'(As he fell, he had the vague inclination that he should scream.) The wind whipped him from above, tangling his long golden hair and staining it red and wet as his temple gave another urgent throb. The pain seared through him like electricity, shorting out all his other thoughts. So he started over.' This sentence, in my opinion, does not pull the reader in. Maybe, 'He opened his mouth to scream but nothing came out.'

'(It really was a lovely day), even through the sparks and spots that speckled his gaze, even through the persistent pain in his head.' This tells the reader it was a nice day but the reader needs to be shown here, in my opinion, to show early is to bring the reader into the story straight away. 'The sun shone in the sky...) something like that.

(It was unseasonably windy) for this time of week, and the sun was out rather late.' Again, with the wind. The first part is too repetitive.

In my opinion, you could even forget this bit and start with chapter one. I liked the hook and it drew me in at once.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

It is a bit early but the reader can see potential in the character. The technique I use to interested from the word go in the characters is to let the reader see into their minds by writing them in italics. It works for me.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great first chapter and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
206
206
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Remember this is one person's point of view.

PLOT

This story is good and reminds me of a fable. It would be better if the reader were shown rather than told things and the start hook needs to be stronger, in my opinion. I liked the way it ended.

SUGGESTIONS

'(Though its skin bears feathers) it cannot fly... This sentence does not make sentence. If this description is right, the creature has bear feathers and bears do not have feathers lol. (Although,covered in feathers, it could not fly.)

'One morning, while the creature (is patrolling) the forest, it comes upon a band of thieves robbing a young woman. (paroled)

Try not to use words like 'had' as it gives a telling tone to the story. This goes for words ending in 'ing' as well. A lot of words like these in close proximity to each other causes the story to feel flat, in my opinion.

' The creature (had) jumped down to retrieve his arrows from the fallen robbers. (Hearing grunts from their bodies) as each (is teared) out of their flesh. After pocketing some of the gold from a satchel one of the robbers held, he stood up to glance at the woman.' (delete) not needed (The assailants grunted) (are torn)

'But before he could answer, he disappeared into the forest, (umping) from tree to tree. Hunting down the rest of the robbers.' (jumping)

'Looking around her eyes (begaan) to adjust to the darkness when she began to notice a tall dark figure in the darkness.' (began)

'She escaped to a den deep in the woods, there were others hiding there and they promised (eachother) to work together so they could survive.' (each other)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I thought the dialogue was good but, if the action tags are used with the dialogue, the writer can show and get rid of speech tags. I also could not feel the characters and therefore the story lacked something for me. To connect with a reader, in my opinion, is half the battle of becoming a writer people will want to read.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This was a good story and thank you for sharing. If you want me to comment on anything else, just drop me a line.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
207
207
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Remember, this is one person's opinion.

PLOT
I liked the plot and story line but think the pace is too fast. The reader needs to feel the story and get into the story but the pace if too fast. It is like a game of jump rope, if the rope is too fast, no one can jump in.

SUGGESTIONS

'Kara was walking in the woods as she was wont to do. She often walked into the forest, even though her father had expressly forbidden it. She didn't care. She felt at home in the forest. Despite its reputation, she never felt threatened.
The Forest of Glamours, it was called. Said to be home to evil, magical creatures bent on killing all Men.Not that Kara had ever seen one. She had seen many animals, but never evil magical creatures. She smiled at the thought.
Leaves rustled nearby. As she turned, she saw it. A boar. It snorted. Blood dripped from a wound in its side.Kara could feel the lump developing in her throat. A wounded boar was a deadly foe for any hunter; and Kara was no hunter, just an eight-year-old girl.She did the only thing she could. She ran. The boar snorted and charged after her. Kara ran as fast as she could, ducking under branches and crashing through the undergrowth. Still she could feel the boar gaining.A vine caught her foot. She fell. Then the boar came crashing out of the undergrowth. Kara screamed.The boar charged, only to be thrown off its feet by the impact of a black arrow, fired with tremendous force. It tried to get up, only to have another arrow slam into it at great speed and power. Another arrow ended its life.Kara feinted.' This tells the reader things and starting the story this way does not really grab the reader and make them want to continue, in my opinion. 'Kara entered the The Forest of Glamorous, the trees rustled in the breeze and she froze as a bush swayed. Her father warned her about the magical creatures in this place. She sighed when a wild boar ran out of the undergrowth before Kara spotted the blood on the animals side and a red gash down its side. Her father warned her about the dangers of wounded animals. The boar snorted and shook his head. He stared at Kara, lowered his head, and charged like an angry Apache. Kara screamed and shut her eyes. A black arrow whizzed past her ear and hit the boar in the shin. The animal grunted and raised its head. He gazed around the forest with big, red eyes as another arrow followed the first. The arrow pierce his heart and killed the brute where he stood. Kara fell to her knees and toppled over.'

'She was propped up against a fallen tree trunk, the remains of a tree felled by lightning some time ago. A campfire was roaring at her feet, close her enough to give warmth, but far enough away so as to not burn them. A large roast was arranged on a spit across the fire, being slowly turned by a young woman.' Try not to use words like 'was' or 'had' as these are telling words and not showing words. Try also to use descriptions in stead of words like fear... her hands shook or a cold shiver ran down her spine... 'Kara opened her eyes and spotted a campfire by her feet. She leaned against the fallen tree and sniffed. The aroma of roasted wild boar hit a nostrils and her tummy rumbled. A young woman knelt by the fire and turned the spit.'

'Kara (sat op) and began to eat'. (rose or sat up)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The dialogue is very realistic and you have left enough room for your characters to grow. A good way, in my opinion, to give them bigger personalities is to do the inner thought writing. By doing this, and this is only one persons opinion, the propagandist and reader can make a connection as this enables the reader to see into the mind of the character and thus helps the writer to show rather than tell the reader how their main character is feeling.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Good first chapter and thank you for sharing. If you want me to re-review one the rewrites are completed or read something else you have written, just drop me a line.

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*
208
208
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT
I liked the plot and story line but think the pace is too fast. The reader needs to feel the story and get into the story but the pace if too fast. It is like a game of jump rope, if the rope is too fast, no one can jump in.

SUGGESTIONS

'Kara was walking in the woods as she was wont to do. She often walked into the forest, even though her father had expressly forbidden it. She didn't care. She felt at home in the forest. Despite its reputation, she never felt threatened.
The Forest of Glamours, it was called. Said to be home to evil, magical creatures bent on killing all Men.Not that Kara had ever seen one. She had seen many animals, but never evil magical creatures. She smiled at the thought.
Leaves rustled nearby. As she turned, she saw it. A boar. It snorted. Blood dripped from a wound in its side.Kara could feel the lump developing in her throat. A wounded boar was a deadly foe for any hunter; and Kara was no hunter, just an eight-year-old girl.She did the only thing she could. She ran. The boar snorted and charged after her. Kara ran as fast as she could, ducking under branches and crashing through the undergrowth. Still she could feel the boar gaining.A vine caught her foot. She fell. Then the boar came crashing out of the undergrowth. Kara screamed.The boar charged, only to be thrown off its feet by the impact of a black arrow, fired with tremendous force. It tried to get up, only to have another arrow slam into it at great speed and power. Another arrow ended its life.Kara feinted.' This tells the reader things and starting the story this way does not really grab the reader and make them want to continue, in my opinion. 'Kara entered the The Forest of Glamorous, the trees rustled in the breeze and she froze as a bush swayed. Her father warned her about the magical creatures in this place. She sighed when a wild boar ran out of the undergrowth before Kara spotted the blood on the animals side and a red gash down its side. Her father warned her about the dangers of wounded animals. The boar snorted and shook his head. He stared at Kara, lowered his head, and charged like an angry Apache. Kara screamed and shut her eyes. A black arrow whizzed past her ear and hit the boar in the shin. The animal grunted and raised its head. He gazed around the forest with big, red eyes as another arrow followed the first. The arrow pierce his heart and killed the brute where he stood. Kara fell to her knees and toppled over.'

'She was propped up against a fallen tree trunk, the remains of a tree felled by lightning some time ago. A campfire was roaring at her feet, close her enough to give warmth, but far enough away so as to not burn them. A large roast was arranged on a spit across the fire, being slowly turned by a young woman.' Try not to use words like 'was' or 'had' as these are telling words and not showing words. Try also to use descriptions in stead of words like fear... her hands shook or a cold shiver ran down her spine... 'Kara opened her eyes and spotted a campfire by her feet. She leaned against the fallen tree and sniffed. The aroma of roasted wild boar hit a nostrils and her tummy rumbled. A young woman knelt by the fire and turned the spit.'

'Kara (sat op) and began to eat'. (rose or sat up)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The dialogue is very realistic and you have left enough room for your characters to grow. A good way, in my opinion, to give them bigger personalities is to do the inner thought writing. By doing this, and this is only one persons opinion, the propagandist and reader can make a connection as this enables the reader to see into the mind of the character and thus helps the writer to show rather than tell the reader how their main character is feeling.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Good first chapter and thank you for sharing. If you want me to re-review one the rewrites are completed or read something else you have written, just drop me a line.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
209
209
Review of Unhinged Serenity  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

Remember, this is only my opinion.

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

This is a great plot and story line. It reminds me of twilight, the first time the vampire boy and human girl met, I am terrible with names lol. This is a good first chapter. Good start hook and the end hook had me wanting more.

SUGGESTIONS

(“Hmph” I sigh, “Guess it doesn’t really matter how I look, huh?” I mumbled to myself. Done with looking at my outfit in my body mirror, I turn around and stare at my room. Bare) There are too many 'I' and this makes the story jerky. Also, watch out for the slips between past and present tenses. (I sigh, "guess it doesn't really matter what I wear." The clothes fall at my feet as the calamity of nothing to wear and the move hits me like...)

'I reached out and grabbed her hand, “I care, and (that is) all that matters.” (that's) as it is a teenage girl talking and they tend not to be too worried about grammar lol.

'Looking out the window, (I was) in awe'. (delete)

“Well, let's have (at it)!” Violet shouted, grabbing me by my arm and dragging me towards the house. (a look)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Great start to the characters growth. The reader gets to see the growth quicker as the story is the child protagonists story from her point of view.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great start to what looks like a promising book. If you want me to review the next chapter or anything else, give us a poke. Always happy to help.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
210
210
Review of No More Lies  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



Remember, this is only my opinion.


PLOT

The plot is a good one and I like the starting hook as it draws me into the story and the end hook leaves me wanting more but also content. I think this is a good thing as you could make this into a book by leaving the last bit about how else she can have fun or leaving it in and there ends the story.

SUGGESTIONS

'RJ (was jittery, bouncing) up and down on the balls of his feet, his thin, dark face excited.)' In my opinion this is telling and should be showing as it is an action. (bounced) By changing one word the sentence goes from a telling sentence to a showing sentence and makes the story flow better,

I went back to my lab that day and forgot all about Kevin’s great discovery.(When I heard that RJ had died in an “accident,” I just thought, “How sad! I’m going to miss him!” And I went back to my research). I heard that Kevin had disappeared, but I had reached a crucial point in my calculations, and anyway, Kevin had always been a little strange. In my opinion, this paragraph has too many 'I.' Putting too many words like 'I' 'she' 'me' etc makes the story jittery. (The news about RJ's demise didn't resister as anything significant either.) I would leave it at that as the reader knows the main characters research is important and nothing stops her doing it.

'When the government tightened down on the University’s research and development funds, (I had to notice.)' (delete) In my opinion, this is not needed. The reader can work out the main character would notice that as you have done a good job on their development and the reader can see and feel how self-absorbed she is.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

This is good. Both the dialogue and characters are believable. I would have liked to know more about the narrator as all we say was a one-dimensional character but all in all, for a short story, the character's feel was there.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great story. Could do with a little more showing of emotion than telling the reader what the main character is feeling, though. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
211
211
Review of Black Bird  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

Remember, this is only my opinion.

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


PLOT

The plot seems all right, but I would try and tell the story more in a showing style than a telling style as in my opinion this works better. Horror is very hard to do but I have found using the thought process very effective for example... The man came up behind her with a knife and cut her, compared with. oh my god, she could feel him approach by his heavy breath and body Oder. Please god, no He lifted the knife and the metal blade glistened in the moonlight as the knife stabbed her in the back. Which sounds better? I like the story line and think it will make a good book.

SUGGESTIONS

'(A few hours had passed when Lucy found herself back at Grans. She had received a message from Silas around 5:30 asking if she minded him coming early. She was hesitant to agree but did so in hopes that she could get this awkward meeting over with. What on Earth possessed me to say yes?' The hook needs to be stronger. It needs to draw the reader in. Also words like 'had' and 'was' make this a show not tell sentence. 'Lucy's feet found her way to Grans as her mind lingered on the message from Silas asking her to come in early. She glanced at her watch and sighed... now, here you can if you want use a trick so it sounds more showy than telly. Use the inner thought process. It gives the reader a look into the characters mind as well as making the scene spark as it is the characters own thoughts and feelings the reader is getting a look at. Why did I agree,, she never wanted to, but...' The first part could be put into inner thoughts. By doing this you can take out phases like 'it was' 'he had' etc thus eliminating the show factor.

'He chuckled(then as if some fond memory was recounted. What that memory could have been was a mystery to Lucy.) I would put a full stop after chuckled and put the rest as an inner thought. (. Why is he smiling like that? What has he remembered?') Questions like this also build up the suspense. Also try to cut down on 'ing' words as too many in one sentence makes said sentence sound flat, in my opinion. Instead try to incorporate the action word associated with the gerund word.

'They spoke for awhile (for) Greta suggested getting up (and dancing). James attempted to join them but was scolded. (and) (to dance.)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I think the characters have potential and are interesting. They are believable and realistic and so is the dialogue.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This has the makings of a good book. Thank you for sharing and if you want me to review this again or any of your other stuff, let me know. Always happy to help.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
212
212
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

This is a good story and I like the end hook. The father having to shoot the daughter was something I never saw coming and I liked the way it showed how hate develops and be careful what you say to your children.

SUGGESTIONS

'Had twenty years on the force put those gray streaks into his hair, or was it the loss of his wife and baby daughter twelve months ago? Either way, his life hadn't panned out how he'd expected, and the last year had proved a living hell.' I think for a hook there is too much information. In my opinion, this information might be better placed after he finds out the muslim school is under siege. 'All the memories of that fatal day came flooding back...' or something along those lines.

(At the intersection, he checked for oncoming traffic, then drove through the red. He glanced over and noticed the pink pattern covering the donut box). “What's with the hearts?” I think this sentence is too long and cumbersome. I am not sure the police would check for oncoming traffic in a situation like this. I have been caught up in a car chase and I didn't see any of them check anything once their sirens were on. Maybe ... 'he glanced in his mirror as he drove through a red light.'

People screamed and (ran in different directions, then) sheltered in shop doorways or behind vehicles. I would put (dived for shelter against the waterfall of bullets...) If bullets were raining down on me I would scamper or dive but running, no.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I liked the way the character grew, although, I would have liked to see more emotion in the characters make-up. I have lost loved ones and sometimes it leaves you dead inside so the main character was very believable in my book.

FINAL THOUGHTS

The story was believable and, even though in my opinion the start was a bit slow, by the end I was on the edge of my seat. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
213
213
Review of Affection?  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

Remember, this is only my opinion.

PLOT

I like this story and the end hooks was really good. A strong woman getting stronger is always a happy ending in my book. I liked the sub headings as well and the way it was written. The hook at the start drew me into the story as well.

SUGGESTIONS

'What a weird bio! She was actually confused (about him). (by it) This sounds, in my opinion, less cumbersome. I would show her confusion here rather than tell the reader she was confused... 'She frowned and scratched her head as she stared at the screen'. Or something like that.

'(It had been just a few weeks and Prerna was already bored of the app.) She had found a couple of matches, but wasn’t able to connect with others like she had with Saumit. I would try not to use 'had' as it is a telling word and makes the story sound stagnate, in my opinion. ')Prerna sighed as she pressed her dateline app once more. God, i'm bored.)'

As she answered his call, Prerna found that her body (was shivering) with nervous excitement. Her palms (had turned cold and sweaty). “Hello Prerna! How are you?” A deep voice sounded from the other end of the phone, filled with enthusiasm and warmth. Her apprehensions melted with his casual and friendly demeanor. (shuddered) (she wiped her palms on her skirt/jeans as a slight tremor ran through her body.)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The character of Prerna grows throughout the story and we see a weak woman grow into a strong woman in the pages which is good. The dialogue and characters are believable, well done.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good story and with a bit of tweaking, in my opinion, could be a great story. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
214
214
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

Remember, this is only my opinion

PLOT

I like this who done it type of story. It was very interactive and the plot was very well thought out.

SUGGESTIONS

'"Give me everything you got on the victim," I said, entering the building.' This just needs more action as a hook, in my opinion. 'I pushed the door and marched into the room. 'Give me...'

'"His name is Harrison Cornen, 43 years old, owns a cafe called The Beaming Dice . He is married to 40-year-old Jennifer Sonile, with two daughters and a boy," my assistant, Jordan Fene, (blurted out, while we were inside the building.)' (flicked open his notebook.)' This sounds more professional. In my opinion people who blurt something out are usually up to no good. A killer would blurt, a colleague would inform.

'That's a huge clue since usually, the victims would be looking at their killer before they die. I looked at his shoes, they were wet, not with blood, but water. I opened the cabinet under the sink, it was empty, (completely empty).' (Delete) The reader knows it is empty, no need to tell them twice in the same sentence.

'"Yes sir, (there were) three people (that) were in or near the house when the blackout happened."' (delete) Too wordy. In my experience, cop shows always have the sidekicks say as little as possible. Time is the key things in a murder story or real life and grammar tends not to be when cops are talking.

'I said. I turned (around) towards Amy and told her, "Set up a room for us to talk alone in." Amy nodded and walked away.' (delete as not needed.)

'("On it," she said, leaving the room.) 'She gave a curt nod and left the room.) In my opinion, it is more believable. I read and watch a lot of these detective things and the bit characters tend to be surly individuals that tend not to speak that much.

I left the room and went towards the yard. I searched carefully through the grass, it was very dry. I walked towards my assistant on the porch. "When was the last time the water sprinklers turned on?" (I asked.) (delete) The reader knows who is speaking, hence no point putting the speak tag in.

'I turned (on the water in the sink, then turned it off again.)' (the water in the sink on then off)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The dialogue was believable and the characters grew within this short story, which is very hard to do.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I enjoyed reading this story and thank you for sharing.


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Review of Weary Soldier  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

Remember, this is only my opinion

STRUCTURE

It is an eight-lined poem with very little punctuation. In my opinion, the impact would be more forceful if there were a full stop after each line. 'Death and horror become a routine.' Has more of a punch behind it, in my opinion. It is the difference between told about a injustice or, with every word, prodded in the chest and told about an injustice.

TONE

The voice is filled with horror and sadness at the loss of life, which befits a poem of this nature. The voice fits the poem and makes it believable.

STYLE

This is an acrostic poem and the poem follows all the rules. Each lines first letter, when read horizontally, spells a word and the poem makes sense. The word is also the theme of the poem and it does not rhyme as, I believe these kinds of poems are not allowed to do.

TITLE

The title fits the poem as the poem is called 'weary soldiers' and is about tired soldiers who have been at war too long. I would have made my word WEARY SOLDIERS as well but that is just me and takes nothing away from your poem.

IMAGE

I can see a line of soldiers marching towards camp with mud covered uniforms and weary look faces. Their rifles slung over their shoulder, ever vigilant for the enemy to attack.

FINAL THOUGHT

Great poem and thank you for sharing.


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216
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
THE OUTLINE
MAIN IDEAS
SUGGESTIONS
THE HOOK
FINAL THOUGHTS

Remember, this is just my opinion

THE OUTLINE

The outline is very good. The introduction told the reader exactly what this piece was about and I liked the different lines for different points. There is nothing worse than an information document that has one point after another on the paper. no colour or line break at all. I tend to zone out after a while but your paper kept me reading till the end.

MAIN IDEAS

The main ideas were good as well and I wish I had read this when I started lol. The amount of unhelpful reviews I gave is shameful and if it were not for preferred authors like Patrece and Life lessons patience and pointing me in the right direction... I liked the way each idea got its own paragraph and found the reading of this piece not only enjoyable but informative as well.

SUGGESTIONS

I think this is a great piece but maybe a warning about some writers are very protective over their work and even if the reviewer puts 'in their opinion' or 'it is only a suggestion' some writers will be a bit rude at having their 'perfect' writing criticized by someone who would be better off reading the Dandy than proper writers lol. Good job I am thick-skinned.

THE HOOK

Great hook and love the way it was written.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I love this information sheet. Maybe next time do one about how to start a group. I want to start another novel reading group but haven't a clue how to go about it so I, for one, would be interesting in that information sheet. Thank you for sharing.


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217
Review of The Treasure Map  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

I like the way it ended and enjoyed the story. The start needs more of a pull, in my opinion, but overall it was very entertaining.

SUGGESTIONS

I would have started with the treasure map... The corners of Samantha's mouth rose as she spotted the treasure map in a glass case in the bookshop. She flicked her a lock of hair off her face as she tossed her head back...' It gives the reader more scope and we begin to feel the character this way, in my opinion.

I would have made the bookseller a con man lol, but that is just me. He would have had a sly smile and made up an excuse as to why the map was so cheap. A bit like the man who sold Jack the magic beans in Jack and the beanstalk. *Blush*

Are these girls Irish? If they are, they wouldn't say fun; they'd say 'crack' lol I had an Irish friend and I could never understand a word she said lol but I know when she said crack, she meant fun

Now, the mention of Donald Trump confused me. Are the girls American? I think the Dc is confusing unless they are Irish Americans but the 'wee folk' are Irish fairies and, as far as I know, do not exist outside Ireland.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The characters grew a little but in short stories, I find, characters tend not have enough rope to be fully rounded but your dialogue was spot on and I loved the conversation between the Forest Guardian and Samantha. If it were me I'd pot in about greedy, rude women... to give the end more body but that is preference and not needed.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I enjoyed the read and hope you do well in the contest. Thank you for sharing.


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218
218
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS



PLOT

The plot itself is fine but there does not seem to be a storyline. How were they captured? Who are they? As a reader, I want to feel the characters and I feel nothing.

SUGGESTIONS

Parker gasped (as he jolted up from his sleep, his eyes teary and fearful.) I would write... (and sits bolt upright. He gazes around the room, his eyes wet and sunken.)

(At this action Parker startles and looks towards her with fear still present in his eyes.) As soon as he realizes it's Persephone he wraps his arms around her in a hug and begins crying. I would write... (Parker leans back and blinks.)

Persephone smiles (some) as she gets out Parker's favorite treat to cheer him up, pouring them into a small bowl.(delete)

The way this story is told is very wooden in my opinion. It is a love story, yet I can't feel any emotion from it. Show don't tell how they are feeling.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The dialogue is good if a bit unemotional and the characters have potential to develop.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This could develop into a good story with a little work. Keep writing and thank you for sharing.


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219
219
Review of Angelique  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

The plot was alright but not original in my opinion, sorry. I didn't really get into it until he had walked the demon home.

SUGGESTIONS

'Michael pushed through the crowd of sweaty teenagers in black T-shirts, (forcing his way towards the bar. The feminine face on a sign outside had appeared welcoming, but Michael's grey hair and salt and pepper stubble was out of place amongst the youthful clientele of The Angel Inn.)' I would write ... (and forced his way towards the bar. He rubbed his hand over the stubble on his chin and a small smile formed on his face as he saw the youthful clientele of the Angel Inn.)

'The barman frowned, slammed the bottle down as if Michael had pissed on the bar, (then) snatched the fiver out of his hand without a word of gratitude. (and)

'Someone (landed on the neighbouring stool, and suddenly the barman found a smile.)' Too clumsy. I would write... (sat next to him and the barman turned and smiled.)

'Her chair squeaked against the floor tiles, (then) she touched his elbow.' I would write (as).

'(Getting involved in peoples' lives was always a mistake.)' I would write... ("Don't get involved", he muttered under his breath.)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The dialogue was good and the characters grew as the story evolved but this wasn't up to your usual standard of keeping me on the edge of my seat thing that your writing usually does.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This was a good story and I thought the end line was really good but it wasn't up to your usual excellent standard,


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220
Review of Buddy  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



STRUCTURE

This poem has four stanzas and each part has four lines. Each line is punctuated, which makes the reader pause when they wouldn't usually. I think this is called enjambment and very few poets can do this. I have never seen a newbie doing this so well.

TONE

This is a sad poem and it broke my heart. I have lost a few furry family members in my time and each one caused me pain. I can relate to this poem and know how you feel. I am sorry for your loss.

STYLE

The style is a rhyming poem where the second line rhymes with the fourth line of every stanza.I like the flow as it is very smooth and not jerky at all, which a lot of punctuated poems tend to be.

TITLE

The title matches the poem. It tells us the theme of the poem.

IMAGE

I can see two figures in a field. A woman and her best friend as they enjoy each others company. The dog has brown eyes and his tongue is hanging out. The love he has for his mummy is shown in his expression.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I loved this poem and, once again, am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.


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221
221
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

I love this plot. It is funny and I was entertained the whole way through. It is very well-written and I can picture a grown man in a tree hiding from his family.

SUGGESTIONS

I don't have any real suggestions other than the end. In my opinion, I think it would be funnier if the uncle says I thought you said she weren't angry, the little girl grins and says, I lied.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I like the idea of an inquisitive child and a scared man. He, I think, most men can relate to. Who likes the family descending on them? I like the child and her suspicious nature. The kid outsmarting the adult was very funny as well. For a short story, you got the development of the characters on point.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I enjoyed this story and loved the way it told a story. There was nothing missing. Some of these dialogue stories don't really tell the reader anything near a story, but your short piece had a beginning, middle and end. Thank you for sharing.



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222
Review of The very world  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


STRUCTURE

This poem is made up of five stanza's which are constructed in an ABAB rhyme with four lines in every verse. There is no punctuation and this gives the poem a runaway train kind of feeling when read.

TONE

The poem sounds like a lesson and, at the end we come to the moral. It sounds like a preacher talking to their congregation. I like the honesty and innocence I get when reading it. If we except the bad and the good we will find the truth is a good lesson to follow.

STYLE

All the stanzas were rhymed except the last, which threw me as I expected it to be the same as the rest. In my opinion, I think it would sound better if the poet conforms the last verse but that is only what I think would sound better.

TITLE

The title fits in with the poem very well and is a great title.

IMAGE

I see a man who has spent his life looking for the truth and realises the good and bad in the world forms the true world. We need to take both to survive.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I like this poem and thank you for sharing.


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223
223
Review of Anime Hamster  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

This plot is great and I enjoyed the read. It was entertaining and funny. I was sorry it came to an end. If I was going to say anything it would be, it was a bit far fetched. A nice idea and I wish real life was like that but bullies generally win. The bully would have beaten up both of them and humiliated them as well in real life, or maybe I'M a bit cynical lol. Being the victim of bullying lol I see the darker side, I guess.

SUGGESTIONS

'(Chris Singleton shuffled along the sidewalk toward Lawrence High. He wasn't looking forward to the first day back after summer break, but at least it was his final year. Deciding to avoid the crowds, he headed for a shortcut into the school grounds, a gap in the fence next to a shed. Because he was a little short for his weight, he had to hold his breath to squeeze through. Once inside, a scream caused him to freeze.)' The hook is here but could be better. I would write... (Ahh," Chris froze as he squeezed through the fence next to Lawrence Highs bike shed. His shackles rose as the second scream shattered the otherwise still night. "Drat (curse), that sounds like a child in trouble," he growled. He sighed, stepped through the gap and entered the shed. He jumped as the door banged behind him and gave a high pitched laugh...)

I love the end and enjoyed the story.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The main character had a voice from the word go. You painted the main character as a hero and we got to know him as this in a very short time. The villain was the bully and the dialogue was sick (as the kids say).

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great story and I loved it. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing. As far as I can make out it was perfect. The things I said previous are from my point of view.


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224
224
Review of This Old House  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

STRUCTURE

The poem is made up of five stanza's in an AABB type rhyming sequence with some half-rhymes thrown in like 'new' and 'you.' Sometimes these type of poem sounds false but yours is smooth throughout.

TONE

This is a spooky poem. The tone starts humorously, in my opinion, but soon gets darker and I felt a chill run down my spine so good work. A scary poem is supposed to give you that feeling and keep you up at night.

STYLE

The style is, as I said, a rhyming poem on the whole and a story in a poem. It tells the story of an old house and I am so glad I live in a fairly new one, even though it is in the middle of nowhere lol.

TITLE

The title and the poem fit really well together and the reader can tell from the title the essence of the poem.

IMAGE

I see a house which creaks and has arms and legs that grab one while passing. The shadow reached out and engulf one and it is very frightening. It did remind me of Count Dracula's castle somewhat, don't ask me why.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good poem and thank you for sharing. Good luck in the contest.


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225
225
Review of The Piper  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

The plot is good. The beginning was slow but that was because of the hook. I loved the end hook and the way the shadows engulfed your main character. It really drew me into the storyline and had me on the edge of my seat.

SUGUESTIONS

I would start with a better hook before the back story and not so much back story. For example, maybe start with dialogue to show his mindset. Show emotion, get the reader feeling your story straight way.
(Benjamin paced up and down the small room with the big barred window and the small table chained to the floor. (set the scene)
"Won't you sit down," the young blond-haired girl whined.
"Why won't you leave me alone," Benjamin yelled. He clutched his head in his hands and slide to the floor.
Carolyn Evans received the case of Benjamin Wyr on 31 October 1998, Halloween. Doctor Ernest Wayne retired on that date; They gave him a watch and a fishing pole. He gave them the finger.)

I wouldn't give too much back story and the nurse phoning, I would put in dialogue as well. Also, try to cut down on words like 'was' as they are passive and 'had' as they are throwaway words and not needed.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENTS

For a short story, I think you have developed the characters very nicely. The doctor is impatient and the main character is fearful and then threatening when the shadow enters him.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good story. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.


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