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176
176
Review of That One Easter  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
THIS IS AN OPEN HOUSE REVIEW

PLOT

I like this plot. It is well thought out and a very sweet story. Also, it is very sensational and that makes it likeable.

SUGGESTIONS

'Here we go again.. I thought as I stared at the calendar on my burrow wall. Easter was here again.' The first part of the story showed rather than told, in my opinion, this meant the hook didn't have as much pull for me and I only really got into it in the last half. Most readers will read the first few lines and, if the story doesn't grab them, won't bother to read the rest. Here is a suggestion to start with, 'I sighed as I stared at the calender, Easter again. I couldn't see the fascination myself, not like Christmas or Halloween, now they were good holidays.'

Also, show the reader how the rabbit felt when he was caught... 'the ears twitched... the eyes darted... his little body quivered...'

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

This needs work. Short stories tend to lack this as they are too short to develop a character, in my opinion. I get over this hurdle by using the inner thought method. Now, this works for me but a lot of writers see it as lazy. I, on the other hand, see it as a writers tool and a lot of great writers use it.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I did enjoy this story and thank you for sharing.


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177
177
Review of My Best Friend  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
THIS IS AN OPEN HOUSE REVIEW

STRUCTURE

The way each line is punctuated gives the reader the ability to read the poem as it was intended, with pauses and full stops as indicated by by the commas and full stops. This is a good thing as the theme fits the structure very well. The different length of the lines also help. Just a few suggestions and this is only from my perspective,

'Not in front or behind each other, (but side by side) as one.' You have already stated this in the previous line. (together)

'Today I marry my Best Friend, "You"' I would delete (you) as the reader knows and the best friend knows you mean him as you already said, 'I love you,' in the previous line.

TONE

The tone is soft and delicate and, as this is a love poem, suits it very well. I liked the passion also emanating from the poem. It all fitted in rather well and gelled together.

TITLE

The title, my best friend, suited this poem. It told the reader what it was about but still held a touch of mystery to it. The reader knew it was about a best friend but not the marrying of said friend. Very well thought out.

IMAGE

In my minds eye I saw a couple at the altar staring into each others love filled eyes while the preacher quoted the marriage ceremony. This poem painted a vivid picture and I felt the emotion as well. In my opinion, poems that do this are very good poems as, with them, you don't need a picture just the words.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Overall, I enjoyed this poem and thank you for sharing.


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178
178
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)

THE OUTLINE

I would write an introduction telling your clients what will be the aim of this peice. The only reason I say this is it is very detailed and an introduction will lay the outline out. I.E, what is the page about and what questions will be asked and answered.

MAIN IDEAS

I like the sub headings but maybe doing them in different colours might stand them out more. I think the layout is very well thought out. I think if you had just broken up the paragraphs the piece would have been boring. Nothing to do with the writing, it is very well written, but information is harder to take in than fiction.

SUGGESTIONS

'When this meeting (id) done, schedule. There might be changes along the way, but that is the beauty of having your own business; you can be flexible.' (is)

THE HOOK

As I have said, a proper introduction would be a better hook but that is just my opinion. I liked the end and thought that was a neat end to a good piece.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I wish you well in your endeavors and thank you for sharing.


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179
179
Review of Samantha's Pet  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
PLOT

I like the plot and about the middle the story started to pull me in. The beginning, in my opinion, was a bit slow. This is only me you understand but I would have started with the weird woman to want the reader to carry on and then backtrack a little about why you wanted a pup. Also, I would comment earlier about it being a pet shop window. When I read it, at first, I thought it were stray puppies in a bag your character found and felt disgusted that he was only going to take one and leave the rest of the litter to starve lol.
I loved the end, although, I did sort of see it coming. Not the angel bit but the mad woman thing lol.

SUGGESTIONS

'Assuming he was being addressed by a store assistant, Bob turned then froze.' This is very telling... 'Bob turned. 'I'm S...' He froze. This, in my opinion, this sounds more punchy and very dramatic.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I can relate to the fallen angel lol. I find a good man hard to find as well. I don't think I would put him in a cage, though. That is a bit extreme, even for me lol. Great character traits you have chosen. I like the opposite personalities of the two main characters, although, I think I would have made his girlfriend less like the fallen angel.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great story and thank you for sharing.


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180
180
Review of Pleasure Cruise  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

I like this plot and the twist at the end although, I did guess something like that as soon as she met him lol. I think that says more about my state of mind rather than your story lol. My motto has always been if they sound too good to be true, they usually are lol.

SUGGESTIONS

“A mojito,” slurred her friend, swaying on her stool. (She'd already chugged six, and it was barely past noon, but Tilisha was more concerned about the red patches on Jolene's freckled shoulders.) This would be better shown and not told, in my opinion. 'Her friend threw another drink down her throat. Tilisha frowned at the red patches on Jolene's freckled shoulders.' Telling the reader how many drinks she has had doesn't, in my opinion, add anything to the story. The rest of the story shows how drunk she is.

“Don't be a party pooper.” Jolene nudged her. “They look like (mighty fine gentlemen).” This sounds like well brought up lady talk and not someone who works in a supermarket sound, in my opinion. Plus, they are young. I call young guys gentleman and I am on the wrong side of forty, as my daughter would say. They are more likely to call them, 'cool guys,' in my opinion.

I would show a little more.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I like the way the characters twist. It envisises the saying, you can't tell a book by its cover. I also thought the dialogue felt real and so did the characters.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Great story. Welcome back and thank you for sharing.


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181
181
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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STRUCTURE

This poem captures the essence of Christmas. Its fourteen line structure works well in this Sonnet poem with its traditional Sonnet structure of three stanza of four lines and its last stanza of two. The AABB metre also fits well with the theme of this poem.

TONE

The tone is very happy and joyful as the poet tells the story of the colours of Christmas and the hope of a white one this year. I think the way the poem was formed and composed fit together like a glove and hand, very neat.

STYLE

The style of the poem with its AABB metre also fits well and gives the poet a sing-a-long vibe. I liked reading it aloud and heard the way it changed sound. The style fits well with this poem.

TITLE

The title matches the poem. The poem is about the colour of Christmas and the title tells the listener this. The title fits the poem.

IMAGE

I can see a sky filled with different colours. A small boy, with his eyes open wide, is staring up in wonderment at them.

FINAL THOUGHT

Great poem and thank you for sharing.


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182
182
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
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PLOT

The plot is all over the place but the storyline is good. The start hook is good but the end hook needs work. Don't let the reader know who Tonnie is until the next chapter. They need a hook to want to continue reading.

SUGGESTIONS

'Mairon wasn’t much of a talker, either. He preferred thinking. That’s what he did most of the time. Angoria thought as she scanned a large almost empty room where a battle was happening.' There is too much telling her. Using words ending in 'ing' and 'was' gives it that feel. 'Mairon prefered to think rather than talk. Angoria scrutinised the large empty room where the battle took place.'

'They were shivering, shaking, and hiding among the others. The humans also sweated. Some of them were sweating a lot.' Again, telling and no need to tell the reader they shivered and shook as they are the same thing.. 'They shivered and hid among the others.'

'Yena glanced back at Angoria. Then back at Horrald just as another Fire Ball stopped right in front of her stomach area. It just hanged there for several seconds before he headed back toward Horrald. About halfway back it stopped and admittedly started back at Yena.' This is really confusing. 'Yena's eyes darted from Angoria to Horrald and back again. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted a fireball and held her breath as it hung in the air inches from her face.'

There is too much telling. For example, he mutters... she mutters ... What are they muttering? Show, don't tell.

Some places the pace is off. The fight scenes need to be clarified and tightened. They are very confusing.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The dialogue was very realistic but I didn't get a feel of the characters. The reader needs to connect and this chapter or the characters didn't do it for me.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good first draft but it needs some improvement. Thank you for sharing and congratulations on your promotion.


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183
183
Review of Lesson Learned  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

This is a great storyline and I liked the ending. It left the story up in the air and after the contest maybe make it longer and develop it a bit more as I think this could be a great short story and I would like to find out what happened next. The start hook was good but could have done with a little more pull, in my opinion.

SUGGESTIONS

'She woke to find (that) she couldn't move much. Something (kept her from sitting up all the way.) She was slow to open her eyes.' (delete) Words like 'that' are redundant words and not needed. It doesn't change the meaning of the paragraph. (heavy stopped her from sitting up) In my opinion, this sounds less clumsy.

She (touched the button, then pushed it). (pushed the button) This is a tighter sentence, in my opinion.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENTS

This story was too short to accomplish any sort of character development, although I did get a little insight into the girl's personality.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great story, good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.


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184
184
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I love this story, but I love all dogs lol. I like the part about, it is not the dogs but the owners as I have a husky cross and people always think he is ferocious as well. My Bandit would not hurt a fly. I loved the way the story unfolded and am glad he went back to the kids as losing ones dog at a young age can have a bad effect on children. I know that from experience. Overall, this real life story was very well told.

WHAT WORKED

The way the story was told from the heart and the way it unfolded for me worked very well. The happy ending and the part of the story where Patches turned out to come from a loving family bought a tear to my eye. It was very well written.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

The part that didn't work for me way, why they gave Patches away in the first place. One minute we were reading about how happy the family was to get him back and the next second, they were giving him to you. I would explain the decision more.

OPENING PARAGRAPH

The opening paragraph caught my attention and wanted me to carry on reading. It was a really good hook and drew me into the story.

PLOT

The plot was good and the way the story unfolds held my attention until the end.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I liked this story and thank you for sharing.


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185
185
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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PLOT

I loved your hooks. The one at the start certainly got my attention and the one at the end had goose pimples creep up and down my arm. The way it was told was good but, like I said, could be tightened.

SUGGESTIONS

Usually at this point would be my suggestions for the story but this one is difficult as it is a bout your memories. I will say it is very well written but, until the end, I didn't feel like it was a ghost story. The start could be tied up and shortened, in my opinion. The ghost story could have more details. Maybe a break in it and write about how you felt as the story carried on. The end was great but the beginning and middle didn't pull me in.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENTS

This again is hard to comment on as it is a memory, but I will try. I got the essence of you but no one else. I would have liked a bit more, but that's just me lol.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I thought the story very funny and laughed out loud at the thought of your grandpa waking to screaming and hysterical girls. This is a nice story and thank you for sharing.


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186
186
Review of Tell Not A Soul.  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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STRUCTURE

I like the different length lines and the different size verses in this poem. The structure suits the poem very well as the poem itself doesn't follow rules and hence, neither does the actual poem. Very well written and thought out.

TONE

The tone of the poem is sad and full of despair, which matched the words really well. I liked the flow and the emotion I felt when reading this poem. The words were written from the heart and, if this is the true you, I hope life is treating you better.

STYLE

The free style fitted the poem as it let the words flow as they come. It gave a fresh raw feel to the words which I rather liked.

TITLE

The title suited the poem as it told us how the poet felt and informed the reader it was going to be that kind of poem.

IMAGE

I see a woman in turmoil. Life has treated her unkind and she is in despair. She needs human kindness but that has deserted her. She sees the world as a cruel, heartless place.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing.


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187
187
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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STRUCTURE

The structure is good and I like the eleven verse structure, it suits the poem. This type of poem suits the four line per stanza as well. I like the way it tells a story about a girl who feared the dark and how she overcame her fears. I think this poem was structually sound.

TONE

The tone was of a cheerful nature and I liked the sing-song sound it made when read out loud. I enjoyed the cheerfulness of it, even though it was about a fearful little girl. The positivity of her overcoming her fear was quite heart warming.

STYLE

The style fitted the poem as well. ABAB rhyming meter suited the poem, although, some verses didn't comply. That was a bit off putting, in my humble opinion. Also, in my opinion, some lines were a little wordy. like, 'And( every night,) when the day was done,' You don't need to say (this) as when the day is done it will be night and you have already told us it is night.

TITLE

The title is a good choice as it explains what the poem is all about. A frightened girl who overcomes her fear.

IMAGE

I picture a little girl shivering under her quilt when the lights are turned off and then she sees a fairy, and this gets rid of her fright about the dark.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great poem. Just one thing, 'fairy' is spelt wrong. Thank you for sharing.


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188
188
Review of How To Organize  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
THE OUTLINE
MAIN IDEAS
SUGGESTIONS
THE HOOK
FINAL THOUGHTS

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THE OUTLINE

I like the outline and the way the essay starts with a question and ends with one as well. It tells the reader what the essay is about in the first paragraph and outlines the main objective as the essay goes along. I found it very informative.

MAIN IDEAS

The main idea is a good one. As writers we know how useful it is to have a workspace but a lot of us, me especially, can't seem to get organized. It is nice to know how someone else tackles this problem.

SUGGESTIONS

I would make it longer and have a step by step guideline thing so readers can follow the steps easier.

THE HOOK

I think the hook draws the reader in. The question made me think and drew me in as well. I wanted to find out more and continued to read. The hook worked really well, in my opinion.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I thought it was very informative and entertaining. Thank you for sharing.


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189
189
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

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PLOT

This is a great story and could be better with a little more showing and a little less telling. It needs to be expanded, in my opinion, not cut.

SUGGESTIONS

"We're twice-blessed, then." (Pastor Dan had to share the rest of his good news). In my opinion the need to show and not tell is needed here. He is excited, show it. He fidgets in his seat ... rubs his hands together ... a smile and eyes twinkled ... Something to show he couldn't wait to tell them the good news.

There is very little emotion shown. The reader is told what he feels and, in my opinion, this takes away some of the drama and emotion the reader could feel if it was shown how he felt.

The theme is good and I like the message. The pastor wanted nothing to spoil the nativity play but the simple things like love is what the season is all about. Joseph was a carpenter and Jesus was born in a stable. I think the theme resonates very well.

I wouldn't cut any of it. I think if you cut anything the story will fall flat. Each word propels the story to the end.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I would add personality to the main character and make him a bit fuller but apart from that, it was near perfect, in my opinion.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great story and thank you for sharing.


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190
190
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

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"Greetings!" 

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PLOT

I think the plot is good for a dream or a comedy farce. I found aspects of it very funny and thought the personal writing technique, the talking directly to the audience like a friend, very well done.

SUGGESTIONS

The story is very hit and miss for me. There is no grammar mistakes I can see but I would suggest tiding it up a bit and giving it a bit of direction. It needs to go somewhere and, in my opinion, it doesn't travel at all. The narrator's wife chucks him out because he cannot tell a good vegetable from a bad vegetable. This is a good start to a comedy but then it has some random woman wearing leaves float down and they have sex.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

This doesn't really apply, unless the reader reads into the narrators persona as a sex crazed, hen pecked husband lol.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I did enjoy the actual story and the comradery it produced between the reader and narrator. The 'We are old friends and I am speaking directly to you and letting you into a secret,' technique. Thank you for sharing.


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191
191
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

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STRUCTURE

The stanzas are irregular and this works on the type of poem it is. I like the key words written in bold and the way they pop out of the poem is a nice touch. I also like the punctuation as every second line has a comma and the last sentence of the stanza has a full stop. This manipulates the reader into reading the poem the way the poet intended them to read it, pausing when needed and ending when required. The structural integrity was very good.

TONE

The tone is spooky, which fits the theme. The poem is set on halloween night when ghosts are out and the tone reflects this my having a spooky tone in the speaker's voice. It sent shivers down my back.

STYLE

The way it is written, free style, fits this poem with its irregular line length and stanzas, it fits with halloween night and the spooky and ghostlike theme of nothing being what it seems.

TITLE

I think the title would have been better if it incorporated a blue moon or halloween in it but the title does represent the poem. I just think another title might do it more justice.

IMAGE

The image that springs to mind is a street filled with ghosts and ghouls. It is a vivid picture and the images are fixed in my minds eye. I think you achieved the vivid imagery very well.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing.


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192
192
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

I liked the story and found it entertained me. I thought the end hook was good as it left me wanting more and the start hook made me want to read more.

SUGGESTIONS

1) The hook is good. It draws the reader in. Just a few points, refrain from using 'I' all the time as it gives the story a jerky tone. Also, 'ing' and 'was' gives the story the same feel.

'I stopped walking, and against my better judgment, crossed the field and entered the woods. The wind was like a girl turning somersaults. The trees like old men just sitting there waiting to die. The rain fell steadily, drenching the plants and trees. The rain was warm, yet I found myself shivering. I turned up my face to watch the individual drops fall to earth, threads of silver gleaming in the sky.'

'I stopped, and walked across the field. My heart hammered against my chest and my legs wobbled at the thought. The wind made my face sting and the trees looked like soldiers as they stood in a row. The rain drenched everything in a few minutes and I shivered.'

2) The same goes for too many similes. This confuses the reader, in my opinion, as too many visual clues confuse and disorientate the reader in my opinion.

3) A good way to make the reader relate to the character is the inner thought process. Sentences like, 'But then again, I'd probably have had to pay for it.' This will make the character come to life while making the reader see, feel and think like the character. It will be like the reader is in the book, in my opinion.

We drove in silence for a few minutes, (me sinking out of view whenever they passed someone.) (I crouched down whenever we passed anyone.)

4) Don't repeat words. In my opinion, it shows the writers lack of imagination and makes the story feel amateurish.

I couldn't help but get a feeling in the pit of my stomach. Almost like something was moving in my (stomach) and I felt a tingling all over. (belly)

5) Don't use unnecessary words. Sometimes simplifying sentences is the way to go. Words like 'them' and 'my. Dialogues, where the reader knows who is talking might only need action tags etc.

I wished (my) dad could drive me but he was in the army and (had to leave) at 4 in the morning and usually didn't get back till late at night, or not at all. so I was always () alone at home. (delete) (left)

He materialized a clipboard out of thin (are) and tapped about half way down the page with his pen. (air)

6) Don't tell, show. Don't use words like 'angry' show the reader how angry, what the character is feeling. Inner thought process helps a lot here, in my opinion.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The dialogue and characters are very realistic and I can see them growing. Again, the thought process will help with this but if you choose not to use it, giving them a three dimensional feel will work just as well. (Make them work off the page as well as on the page. Give them hobbies, likes, dislikes...)

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good first chapter. If you need me to read the next or re read this once corrections are done, let me know. Thank you for sharing.


(image:2134174}
193
193
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

I like the plot as it is very current but it needs a faster flow. The end hook was good and made me want to read on.

SUGGESTIONS

'With only ten minutes until noon on this bright 20th July morning, ironically the anniversary of Apollo 11, Nathan Marcus knew he was( was) out of time.' (DELETE)

'With only ten minutes ... of the day would lead to no different an outcome.' In my opinion, the starting hook is too cumbersome and slow. The first few sentences should draw the reader in, so I have been told. Once the reader is hooked, they are more likely to be open to the back story. My advice would be to start with the speech and work backwards... 'Nathan Marcus ran his tongue over his bottom lip and stared out into the crowd. "Eh, ladies and gentleman...'

Don't use words like 'was' and words ending in 'ing' as they tend to give a telling vibe to the story, in my opinion. The first chapter is the bait and is supposed to tempt the reader into reading more. In my opinion, your first chapter was good but would have been better if there was more emotion, maybe. Inner thought will help with this, In my experience as the reader can then feel what the main character is feeling, seeing, and thinking.

Try not to use 'had' and words that tell rather than show a persons character. Memories, if done correctly, can enhance a story and give it a show rather than tell feature... 'Nathan had dabbled with a few relationships but none of them ever really panned out for him. He had quite a while ago decided he was too rigid and focused an individual to ever make a long-term relationship with even a cat work, never mind another human being and thus happily accepted his fate as a permanent man-about-town.' 'Nathan smiled at the memory of his feeble attempts to attract the opposite sex. Married to the job, the label; man-about-town seemed an appropriate title to describe his stuffed shirt approach to relationships.'

The email was from the office of the Secretary General of the Senate, the most senior Elder of the (9) and a rare email for anyone to receive. (nine) Numbers in a sentence like this should be written, I think but look that up as I am not sure.

Dear (Prof). Marcus (professor) The e-mail is from an institution, hence they would be more formal and wouldn't abbreviate his title.

In my opinion, chapter 1 and 2 can merge as a lot of the background stuff can be cut, in my opinion, as it is not needed and doesn't help the story to move smoothly.

There was no fiat money used on the Moon, one of the first things implemented was a Blockchain & LunaCoin the official currency (of the moon.) (delete)

Acted as a form of identification; allowing people to vote from the comfort of their own homes ((voter fraud was zero in the history of the Moon)) and,
replaced many other trusted third parties that were endemic to the decline of Earths economy. (delete)

There was no central bank nor a single retail bank required or present on the (Moon)(.) (planet) (,) (as the crime rate didn't exist due to the sever punishment of banishment.)

'(There was almost no serious crime on the Moon. Committing a serious crime led to the immediate repatriation of the offender and their family to Earth, and that was more than enough of a deterrent.) (delete)

(After an hour's walk through the Capital, Nathan finally made it back to his apartment, sure of only two things.(1.) Under no circumstances would Nathan Marcus put forward a plan to eliminate 3 billion lives. () (2)). Mass immigration to the Moon was not a feasible solution.) (one) (and) (two)

In my opinion, chapter 3 and 4 can merge as well. The story is too factual, in my opinion and sounds more like an essay than a story at the moment. It needs more emotion injected and less facts. My advice would be to focus on a few facts rather than give the reader a history lesson.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

What there was of it was good but it needed less facts and more dialogue, emotion and the reader needs to feel the main character more, in my opinion.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Good chapters but need work to make them great chapters. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
194
194
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

I liked the plot and found it realistic and well written.

SUGGESTIONS

'“We’re geeks, always trying to one up things. We had the electromagnet just sitting around from a previous experiment and it seemed like a cool thing to do,” Peter Doleman said from the comfort of the customer chair in Liam Yager’s office. The room was small but elegant with a corner second floor view. Peter would have thought a vice president of sales would have a much more extravagant office, especially since it was an oil company. Such a modest environment suggested even the petroleum industry adapted to the new economic climate.' In my opinion this doesn't really make me want to read on. It does not really act as the kind of hook that will reel the reader in.' My advice would be start with a bit of action and paint a scene. For example, 'Peter Doleman pushed his glasses up his nose and stared at the electromagnet as it lay on the shelf. He turned and smiled at Liam Yager, the vice president of sales for tungsten oil. "The trouble is we are geeks."' I would leave it like that and describe the room later on.

Try showing and not telling. Words like 'was' and 'had' give it a very telling tone, so try not to use them.

Also, in my opinion, it needs more emotion. A way to reel the reader in is the inner thought technique where we can see through the eyes of Peter. What he sees but, more importantly, what he feels. For example, 'Peter, on the other hand, felt defeated.' I would write, 'Peter gave a false smile, why do I do that, it is like being in high school again... Saying it this way shows how deflated Peter is.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The characters are realistic and so is the dialogue. I think they can grow and would like to see more emotion. In other words, I would like to feel the characters not just read about them.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Good first chapter and thank you for sharing. Very well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
195
195
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

I liked the story and found it entertained me. I thought the end hook was good as it left me wanting more and the start hook made me want to read more.

SUGGESTIONS

1) The hook is good. It draws the reader in. Just a few points, refrain from using 'I' all the time as it gives the story a jerky tone. Also, 'ing' and 'was' gives the story the same feel.

'I stopped walking, and against my better judgment, crossed the field and entered the woods. The wind was like a girl turning somersaults. The trees like old men just sitting there waiting to die. The rain fell steadily, drenching the plants and trees. The rain was warm, yet I found myself shivering. I turned up my face to watch the individual drops fall to earth, threads of silver gleaming in the sky.'

I stopped, and walked across the field. My heart hammered against my chest and my legs wobbled at the thought. The wind made my face sting and the trees looked like soldiers as they stood in a row. The rain drenched everything in a few minutes and I shivered.'

2) The same goes for too many similes. This confuses the reader, in my opinion, as too many visual clues confuse and disorientate the reader in my opinion.

3) A good way to make the reader relate to the character is the inner thought process. Sentences like, 'But then again, I'd probably have had to pay for it.' This will make the character come to life while making the reader see, feel and think like the character. It will be like the reader is in the book, in my opinion.

We drove in silence for a few minutes, (me sinking out of view whenever they passed someone.) (I crouched down whenever we passed anyone.)

4) Don't repeat words. In my opinion, it shows the writers lack of imagination and makes the story feel amateurish.

I couldn't help but get a feeling in the pit of my stomach. Almost like something was moving in my (stomach) and I felt a tingling all over. (belly)

5) Don't use unnecessary words. Sometimes simplifying sentences is the way to go. Words like 'them' and 'my. Dialogues, where the reader knows who is talking might only need action tags etc.

I wished (my) dad could drive me but he was in the army and (had to leave) at 4 in the morning and usually didn't get back till late at night, or not at all. It was only me and my) dad (so I was always) alone at home. (delete) (left)

He materialized a clipboard out of thin (are) and tapped about half way down the page with his pen. (air)

6) Don't tell, show. Don't use words like 'angry' show the reader how angry, what the character is feeling. Inner thought process helps a lot here, in my opinion.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The dialogue and characters are very realistic and I can see them growing. Again, the thought process will help with this but if you choose not to use it, giving them a three dimensional feel will work just as well. (Make them work off the page as well as on the page. Give them hobbies, likes, dislikes...)

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good first chapter. If you need me to read the next or re read this once corrections are done, let me know. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
196
196
Review of Think of Home  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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"Game of Thrones" 

This review is affiliated with games of thrones.

PLOT

The end hook was good and I liked the story line. The emotional side, although there, in my opinion, needed to be felt more. A way to do this, or it works for me at any rate, is to put the inner thoughts of your main character in italics. This gives the reader an inside look and how they think, what they feel etc first hand and also, in my opinion, lets the reader familiarize and get the feel of your character from the start.

SUGGESTIONS

'The shaking of my hands and the grimy sweat that covers them causes my gun to slip from my hands. My body is racked with a heavy exhaustion and my muscles ache as I dart from shelter to shelter. I flatten myself against the next crude rock covering and catch my breath. Bombs explode around me, leaving a gaseous, burning smell that burns my throat and leaves my eyes watering. A sharp bump in the rock digs through my uniform and into my skin. A familiar voice screams my name out, jolting me back to realization. I whip my head around to see my best friend waving frantically from a trench. I acknowledge him, check to make sure it is clear, then dive into the trench.' The start of this story is too long. In my opinion the start needs to be tightened. Maybe something like ... 'My hands shake and I lose my gun. It falls onto the ground with a clang. I make a grab for it as a bomb goes off near by and run to the nearest rock to take cover. I see my brother in arms in a trench the other side of this hell hole. He sees me and waves. I open my mouth to tell him to get his head down but fumes catch in my throat and I am breathless.' Then maybe continue with going into the other trench.

'A shadow blocks out the sun, causing me to open (my eyes). Maybe it’s an angel to take us up.' (them)

Too many 'ing' words clumped together makes the story take on a telling tone rather than a showing tone. Words like 'then' 'was' also have this effect.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Again, the thought process will help with this but it is very hard to develop a character in a short story, in my opinion.

FINAL THOUGHTS

On the whole I enjoyed your story and thank you for sharing.
197
197
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

"Game of Thrones" 

This review is affiliated with games of thrones.

STRUCTURE

Each line has a comma or full stop at the end. This manipulates the reader into reading it as the poet wants them to with pauses and full stops. There is no error or deflection which means the reader hasn't got the scope they would have in a non punctured poem. I like the structural formation of this poem.

TONE

I like the tone as well. The tone matches the way it is written and I could get the feel of the young solider who is given a gun and told to fight in a war he doesn't understand.

STYLE

The style was a bit hit and miss for me. It started really well but half way through it changed from a rhyming poem to a blank verse poem and this make the poem a bit like a hiccup for me.

SUGGESTIONS

For people? What people? Who (cares about me?) Why save them when they care not for me? This repeating the word 'me' also makes the poem jerky, in my opinion, How about (cannot see)

TITLE

The title fits the poem as the poem unpacks the title very well.

IMAGE

I see a frustrated soldier who sees his brothers die and is wondering why they are fighting for people who do not care for him. Your poem shows his emotional state very nicely.

FINAL THOUGHTS

A good poem and thank you for sharing.
198
198
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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"Game of Thrones" 

This review is affiliated with the games of thrones.

PLOT

I loved the outline of the letter and the senario of, right place, right time.

SUGGESTION

I know I just sent you a letter the other day, but so much happened yesterday I (have) to write again. (had) To my ear this sounds wrong as the letter is already written and the parents are reading it. From what I know of grammar, which is not much, if he was in the process of writing then it would be, 'I have to write a letter,' but as it has already happened it is, 'I had to write again.'

By the time you get this letter, you (would) have heard what happened on December 7, 1941. (will) Again, to my ear it sounds better.

I'll need my things sent to (my) address at the end of the letter. (the) The reason, in my opinion, is that the reader will assume it is his address. This means you don't need to repeat yourself and makes the letter smoother to read.

LANGUAGE

This is not usually in my reviews but as this is a letter, I felt it important to give it a separate heading this once. Remember this is only my opinion. A letter, especially one to family, should be telling the family of an affect, hence, there should be no speech marks. When we talk to our friends and tell a story, when another person said something to us we say, She said.... and then I said... Get what I mean. Also, he works in the press office. I would think he would use phases like my idea or my article not I figured. It just didn't sound realistic.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The reader gets the image of a man who grabs the opportunities life throws his way with both hands.I got the felling and the personality traits straight away.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I liked the concept of this story in a letter form and thank you for sharing.
199
199
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

"Game of Thrones" 

This review is affiliated with games of thrones.

PLOT

I love dog stories and, being a proud mummy of a Husky cross, can appreciate the poo conversation lol. I spend a lot of my walks hunting for the elusive poo and asking others to help me look. I can also relate, as a lot of parents with four legged children, to the difficult puppy years. Mine used to eat computer cables. We nearly ended up calling him Sparky lol.

SUGGESTIONS

"How did it smell, wiseguy?" I am not sure but I think the 'wiseguy' should start with a capital as you are using it as a noun, but check up on that as I could be wrong.

We pick up the poo with blue poo bags () we buy in big quantities at Wal*mart. Again, from what I understand, the last bit of the sentence is an add on. I think therefore it should be a comma in the brackets or a full stop, but don't quote me on that either.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

This was perfectly executed and I got the majestic, I run the house vibe perfectly. Again I, like many, have been there and can relate to the, you are here to serve me attitude of out furry babies. I get the, did I tell you you could stop scratching my belly howl and stare.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I loved this story and thank you for sharing.
200
200
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

"Game of Thrones" 

This review is affiliated with games of thrones.

OUTLINE

The outline is good as it tells the reader in the introduction what the essay is about and the points that the piece will cover. The essay then goes into sub headings and starts to unpack the whys, hows, and prevention techniques of the disease. It was informative and interesting.

MAIN IDEAS

The main ideas is good. The explanation of what the illness is and the complications that can happen which is followed by the treatment and prevention tells the reader all they need to know about this illness.

SUGGESTIONS

(Uptill) now,no proper treatment and cure of diabetes mellitus has been discovered. (Up til)

(Following) steps must be followed for the proper (managment) of the disease: (The following) (management)

Also double space the paragraphs and the sub heading as it is all scrunched up and this makes it difficult to read.

THE HOOK

The hook worked. I was pulled into the piece and wanted to know more.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a very informative essay and thank you for sharing.
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