*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dmt1967/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7
Review Requests: OFF
1,385 Public Reviews Given
1,387 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 3 4 5 6 -7- 8 9 10 11 12 ... Next
151
151
Review of Vampire Lost  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

The plot is good but too repetitive. He kills, that got my attention. After that he met one drunk person after another. Maybe, he kills and is not satisfied. He goes in search of his next meal. He comes across the bus stop. A bus pulls up and, on a whim, he gets on. The bus is half empty apart from a teenage couple, a drunk, and an old man. He groans as non of them are suitable and then the she-male gets on...

SUGGESTIONS

'People (rushing) from streetlight to streetlight (avoiding the growing shadows), (afraid of what is lurking just beyond the light’s reach, each breathe a sigh of relief when they arrive in the safety of the next light.) Eyes pierce the darkness, unseen by those passing by.') This is very telling and, for a hook, not very enticing. (rush) (,shadows lurk in the dark) (delete) Don't generalize here. Make the fear known to the reader. (A young woman in a blue dress suit, head bent low, hurries towards the light and safety. A man with a black briefcase in a three piece suit takes out his pocket watch and glances at it. His eyes dart left to right as he hurries to the bus stop. He sighs when he arrives and sits in the artificial light until his bus arrives.)

“Fools! I could kill them all” The tall colorless (figure suddenly felt a hunger growing.) Again, show the hunger. (figure's stomach growled.) Put this in front of the dialogue.

The smell of rot and filth is carried on the air from the house. The figure silently (walks into the house.) Try not to repeat words too close together. The great thing about the English language is there are many words that mean the same thing. (enters.) We know he has entered the house as why mention it if he wasn't going to enter?

(“ I have lingered here too long, “ (Rystyk thinks to himself).) This would be better if the sentence was an inner thought. That way you would not need a action tag. (italics) (delete)

“ I doubt there is even a garbage bag in this…place,” he says in a voice so low only he is able () hear it. (to)

(After searching) the greasy cupboards and drawers(, he) finds a box of unopened garbage bags covered in layers of grease and dust(. Grabbing the box, he) returns the living room to begin work. There are too many 'ing' words grouped together. This makes the story very telling. (He searches) ( ,) (and grabs it.)

The story was almost the same as all the others. (A father that was drunk too often and hit too hard was the normal. There was no money to buy a good education so he spends his life adrift. Taking his pain and anger out on all he met. He had punished several women who were unfortunate enough to end up in his grasp.) Rystyk could imagine that he could still smell the blood of these women on the dirty man. He enjoyed the irony that the dirty man had been dealt the same brutal death that he had delivered to so many. In my opinion, this would be better as inner thought. (italistics)

Rystyk first heads to the city dump at a speed that makes him practically invisible to mortals, he buries the first bag so deep that it would be nothing but dust if (it was ever found.) 'was' is a very telling word and, so I have been told, should only be used in inner thought or dialogue. (if found.)

(There was only one man in line at a bus stop.) Again, telling and contradictory. A line means more than one. (A single man stood at the bus stop.)

His stringy dark hair (was) pulled into a greasy ponytail, half of which (had fallen around) his ruddy face. (delete) (hid)

He decided that it would make no difference in (the drunken man’s) pathetic existence, so he gives (the man) a single, wadded dollar bill. Again, repetitive. (this man's) (him)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I didn't see any but this is the first chapter so I didn't really expect any. I did expect to get a feel for the main character however and I didn't get that either. The reader needs to feel him, know him, love or hate him...

FINAL THOUGHT

Good first draft. It just needs tiding up and a little more work. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
152
152
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

The storyline was okay. I found it very telling when it should have been showing which made the story seem flat in places. The start and finish were good.

SUGGESTIONS

His whole being (was) concentrated on the screen in front of him (that had been scrolling numbers and figures for half an hour.) In my opinion this is very telling. (delete) (The figures on the screen scrolled down)

“Anything that you can give me,” (Veva said. She was the pilot and the captain of the three crew ship.) “Dave? You copy?” (Vera, the pilot and captain of the three crew ship barked.

(Davor Rifkin was their chief engineer and at that moment was in the hold.
“I copy,” he replied.) “Hold secured but the engine doesn’t look good.” ("I copy," Davor Rifkin, the chief engineer responded.)

“l’m over the red now,” she spoke through clenched teeth. Her fingers (were) wrapped around the steering. (delete)

The altitude (was falling) sharply. (fell)


A lot of the words deleted, in my opinion, are not needed. Try to refrain from using 'was' as this is a very telling word and a lot of the time, by rearranging the sentence or changing a word, in my opinion, it can change a telling scene into a showing scene.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

This is hard in such a small piece but I never felt any of the characters at all. In my opinion, there were too many.

FINAL THOUGHT

I liked reading this story and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
153
153
Review of Jean's Son  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

Well,my friend, you certainly had the old tear ducts working overtime and my heart melted like ice cream on a hot day at the end. And, me a hard hearted thick-skinned writer like me lol. I thought this was a perfect story and loved the end.

SUGGESTIONS

Again, this was written to perfection. I can see a book coming out lol. Actually, joking aside I wouldn't mind reading more about Ron and his life. His army years, maybe. How he became a hero? How did he get shot? It will be heart wrenching if the two pieces I have read so far is anything to go by. This is another story written by a truly professional writer.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Again, the characters were real and the dialogue was superb. What more can one say lol.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I loved it and am really looking forward to the next installment. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
154
154
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

The plot was well thought out. A bully who wants to repent. It is relatable to so many people. I liked the end when we find out they are related and he wants to give his kidney to make up for the hell he pout the other boy through. It's a nice plot with a happy ending. A lot of bullies grow up to be bigger bullies, in my experience unfortunately. I like this story of the bully becoming the hero.

SUGGESTIONS

Usually I write something that didn't fit right with me but this story is perfect. It is well written and it made my heart feel all gooey and soft lol. It was told in a heartfelt way and I enjoyed reading it. No, there is nothing I can say or advice I can give to make it better. Perfection itself.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The reader gets a feel for Ron straight away and the dialogue is realistic. You showed the characteristics of your main character in a short story and you did it so well. I thought I would hate him but, due to your writing, found to rather like him.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great story. Hope you had a great Christmas and happy new year. Thank you for sharing and congratulations on the award.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
155
155
Review of On Capitol Hill  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

STRUCTURE

The structure suits the poem. The three stanza with its punctuation on practically every line works very well. Your verses have an upbeat vibe to them, although, it is a sad but true topic and I really like the question on line two of stanza three. I think most people feel that way and it is very relevant, especially in this climate.

TONE

The tone, as I have already said is upbeat with a hint of comical expression, in my opinion. It reminds me of something my uncle loved saying, it's better to laugh at life than cry. I try to follow that train of thought, although, sometimes it is tough. I like this tone and love the way you made the poem comical while still keeping the tragedy and betrayal aspect of the poem.

SUGGESTIONS

The only thing I would suggest, and this is not really a suggestion more a preference, is to add 'on Capitol Hill' to the first stanza. I think it would sound better and be more uniformed. Other than that, for me, this is a excellent poem and one you should be very proud of.

STYLE

The AABBA style and the rhyming Rondeau suits this poem very well.

TITLE

The title suits the poem and tells the reader what the poem is about. There are no surprises like the name of the poem is CATS and it is about every animal but a cat.

IMAGE

It made me think of politicians around a big pot of money discussing how they are going to spend it. A holiday, new house ect. Cynical, ain't I lol.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
156
156
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

This is a good piece. I like most of your rules and think you will make a great leader. I like the start hook as it caught my attention and wanted me to read on and your end hook as it rounded off the prose poem perfectly.

SUGGESTIONS

'I know better than to do that, but hey, I’m a benevolent leader, if monkeys are your treat, have (at) it.' (Delete) or (you shall have it) otherwise it doesn't make sense.

But you won’t () my dirty socks laying everywhere. (have) otherwise, again, it doesn't make sense.

This is good. It sounds like a poem but is written in prose form. It gives the best of both worlds.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

We did get the feel of the character through the voice and the essence of the piece. I thought the words showed how benevolent the leader the poet was and, maybe, the actual label did not have to be used as often as it was.

FINAL THOUGHT

I thought this was a great piece of writing and loved the whole concept of it. I agree with most but love my computer too much and my sugary snacks lol. Revolution there will be lol if someone tries to make me eat healthy lol.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
157
157
Review of Jacob's House  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

This is a good storyline and I like the ending and the start hook. I do think it needs more emotion as it sounds more like a plan of a story rather than the story itself.

SUGGESTIONS

This is a great story and so well written. My only concern is it doesn't seem like a fairytale. I would say it is more a bible fable but there is no mention of God or Jesus. To me, and this is only my experience. A fairytale teaches children about good verses evil. You usually have a wicked witch who is evil but good, usually a prince or princess always concurs and banishes the evil doer.

This is also not a fable which usually teaches a moral lesson.

I would suggest, and remember this is only my opinion, make it a general or corneal of war rather than soldiers who are nameless and faceless.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENTS

The reader knows the two main characters are kind and generous, but we are told this and not shown it. Jacob is good with his hands and the people look up to him is all we know about the main character. We know nothing of the wife but at the beginning I got the feeling she was an important part of the story.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Good piece and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
158
158
Review of Private Eye  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

This is a good first chapter. I liked the end hook but thing the start hook needs work. I liked the plot as well. From the first chapter the reader knows the plot. This could be a double-edged sword, however. On the one hand, the reader knows whats to come and knows it is a comfortable and familiar plot but, on the other hand, they could get bored as they know the plot.

SUGGESTIONS

'The dame stepped out of the shadows as my fedora hit the desk. I snapped on the light to find her lowering herself onto the only extra chair in the office.

Her hair was the color of a banana left in the sun on a hot day. She patted it as she crossed her gams, flashing thick cankles. From her glad-rags and the ice 'round her chubby pipes, I easily deduced she had the bees. Whatever her case may be, I knew it'd be duck soup getting twenty large from the skirt.' In my opinion, this sounds very messy. Try... 'A shadow fell over my desk and I looked up into those baby blue eyes as my fedora hit the desk, I motioned her to take a seat and perched on the desk while my eyes explored her body. She tossed her sun soaked banana colour hair and crossed her long smooth legs and, from the way she dressed and the piece around her neck, I deduced she could easily pay me twenty large.'

I know this is a old private eye story but I did find it hard to get into the first half as I couldn't understand a lot of it. I think their was too much American slang and not enough story in the first half but, by the second half, I was right into it and, at the end, I wanted to read more.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I didn't feel any of the characters but this is only the first chapter. I would have liked to get a sense of the private eye as he seems to be the main character but I know it is very hard, when writing a book, to do this in the first few chapters.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good first draft and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
159
159
Review of My Mother's Poems  
for entry "Cats" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

STRUCTURE

I like the way punctuation is used in this poem and the way it is not broken up into stanzas. A straight poem, with no breaks, suits the style of this poem very well. I like the way it reads as well. Your mother certainly loves her cats. I like cats but am a dog person myself.

TONE

The tone is very calming and light. It is a list poem describing cats of all shapes and sizes.

SUGGESTIONS

(Some cats are house cats), some cats are in a zoo or animal sanctuaries. This is a repeated line.

(A cat does not ask for much, only a little love,
to be fed and (for house cats), a litter box.)
I would delete this as the reader would know it is for a house cat and not only house cats have litter boxes. A stray cats litter box is their territory and a big cat in a zoo has a litter box in their housing when they cannot go outside.

STYLE

The style of blank verse really suits this poem and I love the way it sounds to the ear.

TITLE

The title,'Cats' suit this poem perfectly as it is about cats.

IMAGE

I see a woman surrounded by cat pictures and real life cats.

FINAL THOUGHTS

A very nice little poem and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
160
160
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

PLOT

I love this plot. It tells the story of a chaotic kitten in such a comical way. Having a pup, I know how hard they can be and can relate to the mother's predicament. I thought the start hook was good but wonder if it would have been better starting with the action of the kitten getting in trouble rather than the reader told the kitten was troublesome. Just a thought.

SUGGESTIONS

'I found (my) dad in his recliner, watching Nora trying to gather all the streamers.' (DELETE)

The only suggestion I can make is delete the second (I) as it is not needed. The reader knows whose DAD it is as the story tells them from the title and the first few lines. The second (I) just makes the story jumpy, in my opinion.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

We learn a few characteristics about some of the characters in the story. Mum is arotic, Dad is easy going, Brother is uncooth. A typical family with teenage kids in fact. I did think the dialogue and characters were very realistic.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Great story and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
161
161
Review of A Place Of Refuge  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

This is a great plot. I love the end hook more than the start if I'm honest. The start lacked the pulling power a little, in my opinion. The end, however, said what it did on the box. It left me satisfied but hoping for more.

SUGGESTIONS

'She glanced back to ensure her young daughter (had) kept up. (DELETE) In my opinion, not needed. Deleting it doesn't change the construction of the sentence.

'Reaching her side, India leaned against her tall stick and whined, “Mommy, I’m hungry."' This insinuates that her daughter was not at her side. The first sentence and second sentence contradicts each other and makes it very confusing for the reader.

Since the meteors hit three years ago, food and shelter (had become) everybody's main priorities. (became) It shows and doesn't tell, in my opinion.

She adjusted her backpack (then) cautiously led the way down the slope toward the shadow, which was below a large mound. (and or comma) I always associate (then)with lists of actions or teenagers talking. eg and then he said... so then she did... lol.

(Once India nodded and turned to scan the wilderness,) Again, telling and not showing, in my opinion. (India nodded, turned, and scanned the wilderness.)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I liked the way you unpacked this one. The reader learns more about the characters as they get further into the story and we learn at the end a mother will do anything to keep her daughter alive. Very well done on the realistic dialogue and characters.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great story and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
162
162
for entry "Shiny Footprints" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

Is this a children's book? For a children's book it is okay and my suggestion's are only if it is for children over seven. I think the beginning hook needs some work but I liked the end hook although, it happened a bit sudden. For a young child this would be alright but older children will wonder how the witch was caught. Maybe dedicate another chapter to the telling of that story. Only a suggestion. I liked the plot and found it very entertaining.

SUGGESTIONS

'One morning in Callah, Savvey, Perrin and a young wizard Tina, whom Savvy was training, were having a peaceful breakfast when they were startled by a knock on the door. Puzzled, Perrin answered the door to find Mayor Hightower shivering and looking very upset.' This is very telling and not showing. In my opinion, this would not want a child of a certain age to read on... 'Mayor Hightower bit his lip as he knocked on the front door of Savvey, the wizard teacher. Tina, a young trainee wizard of Savvey's opened the door. The Mayor shivered as she led him into the sitting room. His dull eyes gazed around the room and he nodded to Perrin, another young trainee.'

'Mayor Hightower came in and hung his coat on the coat tree next to the door. Both Savvy and Tina looked at each other with raised (eye brows). They both wondered what could be wrong.' (eyebrows)

'Mayor took a sip of the steaming mug of tea that Perrin handed him and began his story,' Again, telling and not showing. 'Perrin handed him a drink.The mayor took a sip of his hot cup of tea and wiggled his nose as the steam tickled his nose hairs.'

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

This is very hard to do in a short story but I still would expect a vibe of some personality traits. I didn't get a feel for any of the characters at all. Also, everyone seemed to be the storyteller. No character stood out. I liked the way the characters responded to one another though and the dialogue was very realistic.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a very good first draft and, like I said, a very good very young girls story. If that was your intention, please forget the ideas and advice. Also, this is only my opinion. I would see what others think before I change anything. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
163
163
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


STRUCTURE

The structure is very sound. The poem is made up of four line stanzas where each line starts with a statement and the other three lines go into more depth about said statement. The structure suits the poem rather well. Also, the punctuation gives the reader hints on how the poet wants the poem to be read. Where they want a pause and so forth.

TONE

The tone, in my opinion, is very subdued. It is a tone of, why is the world like it is? The tone suits the poem very well as it tells us what the world needs and has some good points to make on how the world should be in an ideal world.

STYLE

The style suits the poem as well. It differs through the poem starting with half rhymes and ending with full rhymes. I did enjoy the surprise and variety.

TITLE

The title is part of the poem and gave me a sense of what the poem was about before I read the first word. I liked that and thought it very clever.

IMAGE

The image that sprang into my head was a world with more love and not hate, with hope and not despair, with peace and no war, with acceptance and no judgement, and a better world to live in. I would gladly exist in a world like that.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
164
164
Review of Copycat  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

The start hook made me want to read on but, until about the middle, I never got into it again. In my opinion, the action should have happened sooner and while it was happening, her personality could have been shown. I liked the story and the end hook was great. For most of it you had me biting my nails and hiding my face until I found if I shut my eyes I found it near impossible to read the story lol.

SUGGESTIONS

'Feeling braver now (she'd reasoned that out), Mavis dragged herself across the turf until she stood over the object.' I would (delete) as you have already shown this in the previous paragraph.

'She reached to scratch her head with her free hand, (then) wondered what she was holding that hindered her so.' (and) As, in my opinion, using the word (then) always makes the story sound like a list.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The growth of the main character was done very well. The characteristics came through loud and clear. I thought it was very clever how you incorporated the help of the character Billy, in this job as well in his insinuation that she was a strict teacher.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great story and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
165
165
Review of Time is Ticking  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

STRUCTURE

The structure of this poem is tight with punctuation on most lines. I like the way it starts with a question and the rest of the poem unpacks that question. It gives the reader focus and purpose when reading this poem. I liked that aspect of the poem very much.

TONE

The tone was very emotional as the poet asks why is there never enough time. They thought they had all the time in the world but, time is like grains of sugar on your hand, once its gone its gone. I liked the soulful tone of this poem.

STYLE

The freestyle poem really worked well with this type of poem. It was a bit like time itself, unpredictable, with its different length lines and different line stanzas. In my opinion, these types of emotional poems should be in blank or free verse. Rhyming poems often come over as false, in my opinion, when used to share emotion with the reader.

Title

The title really suits this poem as it informs the reader of the theme of the poem. The title tells the reader what to expect when reading their poem.

IMAGE

I see a lone individual sitting on a park bench, staring into space. They have just broken up with their partner and can't believe it. They are distorted and in a daze. The emotional baggage is poem portrays seem real and believable. I can feel that emotion emanating from the poem. Good bit of writing.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
166
166
Review of The Threat  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

The plot is good but needs tidying up. It took me a while to get into the story but once the girl was kidnapped, the story picked up for me. The start hook needs word as, for me, it didn't compel me to read on as well as it should. I thought the end hook was good as it wanted me to read and find out if he rescued her.

SUGGESTIONS

(There was no light, whatsoever.) This can be deleted as you say in the next sentence about no stars and moonlight. The reader will assume the building is in darkness.

Its lone passenger behind the wheel swayed his head with an unknown tune he (had) picked up from where he couldn’t remember. (delete) Words like (had) and (then) are not needed in a story. They are used to make the story fuller but are not really essential to showing a story. Words like (was) are telling words and can also be changed to show rather than tell certain scenes.

The vehicle, a small beetle like machine with one nuclear-powered mute engine, (was at the danger of falling apart. But its owner was neither worried nor bothered about it.) (His prime concern was the radar screen which remained spotless, so far.) The satellite view of the area gave him an overlook for five miles in every direction. Once he checked his watch, glanced out the window and opened his dashboard. The sole occupant, a laser shotgun, rested peacefully. (seemed to be on its last legs, but its owner didn't really care.) (His main concern, the radar screen, needed to be kept clean.)

The screen on the visor (was) clear except for the tiny bit of the map at its top right corner. Putting on his mask and gloves, he zipped his jacket and stepped forward. (remained)

I would show more.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENTS

The main characters voice was not strong enough, in my opinion. He should stand out but he got lost, in my opinion, within the story folds. My point of view is the main character should be able to carry the story.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good first draft and, with a little work, this story could be an epic tale. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
167
167
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

The storyline was really good and relatable. It shows love is like Christmas, it doesn't come from the internet or Asda lol. I like the way the story unfolded and the kiss the frogs before the princess shows idea worked for me. The timing play also worked and I loved the start hook, as it got me reading and the end hook, as it left the question of will they, won't they. I would love a follow on story...

SUGGESTIONS

Usually here I pit in my suggestions but this story was perfect. It kept me entertained from the first word to the last. The only thing I would say, and this is sort of repeating what you have told me, I didn't get much of a setting. The room, was it night or day? If night... the lights of the fair... The main character, what he looked like...

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I like the way the main character developed in this. All the dates thought he was a coward and didn't understand or want to understand why he was scared of heights. He was like BA in the A-Team, he was scared due to a crash while he was being a hero. Then we find out he was that hero his dates believed him to be but because they through him aside, they missed out.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great story and thank you for sharing. Stay safe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
168
168
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

Storyline is good but the story needs work. Hooks need to draw the reader in more. Might be better as a script as there are a lot of characters to get to know.

SUGGESTIONS

Most of them (there were adults.) (;ADULTS) This sounds neater, in my opinion.

We know that he’s on KaKan. Pacill thought back. This is the most logical place for him to (come) be. (delete)

Mairon stretched his neck to see the (fallen KaKan.) (injured alien.) Repetitive.

I think we (all) the answer to that. Jacci spoke first. It’s us. (have)

Show, don't tell/ too repetitive/ very confusing.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The characters were very stagnant and, in my opinion, didn't grow at all. There was not one voice but many. This stopped me from getting a feel for any. The reader needs to get to know the characters and if there are too many, in my opinion, it makes the job harder.

FINAL THOUGHTS

The idea is good but, for me, the story has to be tighter for it to be viable. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
169
169
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

I liked this plot and it made me laugh. I thought the name thing was funny and can see how your main character got herself into a lot of trouble. God knows what I would do lol. A boyfriend of mine looked like Dougal from the magic roundabout. He was Italian. Good job I didn't tell him that lol. I would probably be calling him a dingbat or something lol. Like I said, great story.

SUGGESTIONS

Usually I would write mistakes and my suggestions but this story is written perfectly and I am at a loss for words. I found it very entertaining and enjoyed every word of it. Very well written and thought out. If I was going to suggest anything it would be, in my opinion, maybe start with a question, but that is just my preference.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Great build up of the character. I like the little insights into her thoughts as it showed us her motives and why she was doing what she did. It painted her as a gold digger and the reporter as a troublemaker. Very well thought out.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great story and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
170
170
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

I liked this plot and it made me laugh. I thought the name thing was funny and can see how your main character got herself into a lot of trouble. God knows what I would do lol. A boyfriend of mine looked like Dougal from the magic roundabout. He was Italian. Good job I didn't tell him that lol. I would probably be calling him a dingbat or something lol. Like I said, great story.

SUGGESTIONS

Usually I would write mistakes and my suggestions but this story is written perfectly and I am at a loss for words. I found it very entertaining and enjoyed every word of it. Very well written and thought out. If I was going to suggest anything it would be, in my opinion, maybe start with a question, but that is just my preference.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Great build up of the character. I like the little insights into her thoughts as it showed us her motives and why she was doing what she did. It painted her as a gold digger and the reporter as a troublemaker. Very well thought out.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great story and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
171
171
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

STRUCTURE

The structure is sound and the enjambment on every line instructs the reader how to read it. The reader knows when to end and where to pause. It is nice, as a poetry reader to get directions like this. This kind of poem suits this structure and sends a vibe of the poet knowing their own power as a poet.

TONE

The tone is happy and light, almost comical but very romantic. Although it is a short poem, it tells a story and shows us a good variety of tones to boot. Only a good poet with homed skills can accomplish this, in my opinion. The poem makes us cry, laugh, have a warm feeling inside, and be cute all at the same time.

STYLE

The style is rhyming and free verse, I think and this suits the poem very well.

SUGGESTIONS

To send sweet notes across the Pacific Ocean ten thousand miles away;

To travel half the world someday to see his lady and take her away;

This is very repetitive. In my opinion, I think one away should be changed. Otherwise, when reading, the reader might stumble over the words which would spoil an otherwise perfect poem.

TITLE

The title fits the poem as the poet is writing about a long-distance relationship.

IMAGE

The picture this poem puts in my mind is the end of an officer and a gentleman where the officer marches into her work, picks her up, and walks out of the factory.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
172
172
Review of A Helping Hand  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

The storyline was very good and relevant but the hook to draw the reader in could have more pop, in my opinion.

'The weather in Southwest Pennsylvania was frightful as it usually is. He had just arrived that day and had only a thin jacket to his name.' 'He pulled his flimsy jacket around him as the Southwest Pennsylvania November wind cut through it like a skater cuts through ice.'

SUGGESTIONS

I am not sure of the parameters of this contest. If it needed to be told in a certain number of words like flash fiction or have a maximum number like a short story. If it is the latter, you need more words.

1)I couldn't get into the storyline, which is great by the way, as there was no setting. I am bad myself and have been told by many a better writer that I need to work on this lol. What did the shelter look like? How were the people dressed? 'The shelter resembled a jumble sale. A dirty pile of clothes littered the floor. I prodded it with my foot and it groaned. The shock made me take a step back...'

2) The story was shown rather than told. If your word count was something like 500 words, I do apologize. If you had a bigger word count... 'The mugging and stabbing could be shown instead of told... 'A man staggered up and grabbed my coat. I backed away when my eyes saw a knife protruding from his back.'

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I liked the characters but would have liked to know them better. Also, if I were working for a charity I would be a bit peeved if someone lies to me about my status. Places like that are about trust, and the journalist violated that trust. Even if I said that's alright, I would still be seething inside.

"You don't have to do that," Joe muttered through gritted teeth."

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good storyline and, in my opinion, would be a tear jerker with a little work. Thank you for sharing.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
173
173
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
THIS IS AN OPEN HOUSE REVIEW

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

The hook was great. I mean you really hooked me from the start but the main story took a long while to get going and the end was too fast. In my opinion, the start, when the girls went to the cabin and meeting the swan should have been shorter and 'Gary' and the gun and finding out he was the murderer should have been longer.

SUGGESTIONS

(Clutching his chest, he became dizzy; disoriented, he stumbled towards the only safety he knew. Collapsing halfway onto his bed, the last thing he saw was a picture of his wife smiling at him on the bedside table.) This, in my opinion, is too telling for a hook. A hook, by definition, should draw a person in and set them up for the whole story. (He clutched his chest as the room plured before his eyes and staggered towards the bed. He fell onto the side of the bed and slid onto the floor. The last thing he saw; his wifes smiling face in an old picture frame beside his bed.)

(Shaking like a leaf,) she clutched her notes tight against her chest, and looked both ways before walking across street towards the Detroit News building. This is an overused simile. How about, (like a sloth being registered for a race...) or something new.

The lunch room was crowded as usual (as) Laura gaze landed on Christie's flaming red hair. Repetitive. (and)

Gary began coughing again, and signaled for the waiter to bring him the check. “Do you want any dessert?" Gary asked, winking at Laura who blushed (who) shook her head no. (and)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The characters did grow a little but they could have been shown to grow more and the dialogue could have been tighter. The characters were believable but some of the scenes were a bit far fetched. I have never known police to welcome a reporter with open arms and I watch a lot of cop shows lol. A bit of conflict there might make it more realistic. Maybe 'Christe' saying something about how bad it would look and maybe a cover up if they don't let her do a story...

FINAL THOUGHTS

For a first draft, this is good. The idea is really sound and, with a bit of work, I am sure your story could be great.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
174
174
Review of My Best Friend  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
THIS IS AN OPEN HOUSE REVIEW

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

STRUCTURE

The way each line is punctuated gives the reader the ability to read the poem as it was intended, with pauses and full stops as indicated by by the commas and full stops. This is a good thing as the theme fits the structure very well. The different length of the lines also help. Just a few suggestions and this is only from my perspective,

'Not in front or behind each other, (but side by side) as one.' You have already stated this in the previous line. (together)

'Today I marry my Best Friend, "You"' I would delete (you) as the reader knows and the best friend knows you mean him as you already said, 'I love you,' in the previous line.

TONE

The tone is soft and delicate and, as this is a love poem, suits it very well. I liked the passion also emanating from the poem. It all fitted in rather well and gelled together.

TITLE

The title, my best friend, suited this poem. It told the reader what it was about but still held a touch of mystery to it. The reader knew it was about a best friend but not the marrying of said friend. Very well thought out.

IMAGE

In my minds eye I saw a couple at the altar staring into each others love filled eyes while the preacher quoted the marriage ceremony. This poem painted a vivid picture and I felt the emotion as well. In my opinion, poems that do this are very good poems as, with them, you don't need a picture just the words.

FINAL THOUGHTS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
175
175
Review of That One Easter  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
THIS IS AN OPEN HOUSE REVIEW

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

I like this plot. It is well thought out and a very sweet story. Also, it is very sensational and that makes it likeable.

SUGGESTIONS

'Here we go again.. I thought as I stared at the calendar on my burrow wall. Easter was here again.' The first part of the story showed rather than told, in my opinion, this meant the hook didn't have as much pull for me and I only really got into it in the last half. Most readers will read the first few lines and, if the story doesn't grab them, won't bother to read the rest. Here is a suggestion to start with, 'I sighed as I stared at the calendar, Easter again. I couldn't see the fascination myself, not like Christmas or Halloween, now they were good holidays.'

Also, show the reader how the rabbit felt when he was caught... 'the ears twitched... the eyes darted... his little body quivered...'

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

This needs work. Short stories tend to lack this as they are too short to develop a character, in my opinion. I get over this hurdle by using the inner thought method. Now, this works for me but a lot of writers see it as lazy. I, on the other hand, see it as a writers tool and a lot of great writers use it.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I did enjoy this story and thank you for sharing


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
423 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 17 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dmt1967/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7