"Guard Duty at Dawn," a Brazilian Haiku, is one of a series of poems Prosperous Snow wrote as a tour de force through several poetic structural forms -- an ambitious and scholarly undertaking. "Guard Duty" captures the essence of Haiku, delivering an "aha moment" by juxtaposing two seemingly disparate images which share an almost mystical relationship to expose the image's inner-connectedness.
Prosperous Snow respects form and uses it well. But she is no slave to form, as "Guard Dutty's" first line has six syllables instead of the mandated five syllables of traditional Haiku. This reminds me of a Haiku written by my friend:
The doe licks her fawn.
Close, but not quite perfection,
One freckle too many.
BSscholl requests reviews for his much decorated, "The Box in the Corner." The story richly deserves the recognition signified by its awards.
I believe that the most important element of a short story is its premise, the idea that inspires the tale. A great story needs an original, creative, interesting idea. The best story premises are outside of our usual everyday experience and must be "sold."
As in "The Box in the Corner," the story may begin as part of the fabric of normal life experience. But then some stories "twist" or transport the reader into a new insight, new experience, or new awareness. This "aha moment," often foundin good Haiku poetry, isthe art that breathes life into the story. "The Box in the Corner" has that "twist," that "aha moment," and has that life created by its art.
This well-constructed tale presents fairly and honestly. There are clues to the twist. Thereare questions about why the central character feels sad as she works on her labor of love. Not until the end, when the surprise is revealed, does everything fall in place. In the meantime, even as we question, we like the central character and go willingly with her through the stages of her final days.
In summary this story has everything needed to be grreat: An interesting and creative premise, rendered artistically, and carefully and skillfully crafted.
"Don't tell! Dont Share," by Colorfulpoet, presents a gripping and powerful little tale, but it is not perfectly crafted.
First, there are some odd little typos, or, perhaps, thinkos, that distract. Example: "Like what?" I asked, "Last night something I wish not to be repeated," Perhaps a self-edit with some careful attention to detail would help.
More basically, the ending disappoints. The conflict is set up well. If the vitim tells all, it may hay have serious consequences on his romantic relationship. Finally, he decides to go to the police with the information, but the basic question of what will happen in the relationship is not answered. While he will almost certainly have his girlfriend's support, wr are left in the dark as to whether a romance can survive, long term, after this kind of strain.
The premise of the story is excellent. The dialog is above average. The characters are average. The setting is not well-developed. The plot is above average with the exception of the ending. The action is brief, but well-writen.
I would suggest that some buff and polish should clean up the thinkos. I would like to see the ending massaged a little to include, perhas something like a flash forward to have the happy couple celebrating a third anniversary as Trevor and Anthony celebrate their releasefrom prison with repentent attitudes.
"Demon Type Iterms" lists names, traits, descriptive terms, and stereotypes attrbutable to Satan. The last item is "(/Cappy's Muse)" and that reference eludes me. The rest are fairly straightforward. I guess I am vain enough to consider myself reasonably well-informed and "in the literary know," so I tend to think of references like the Cappy allusion some kind of inside thrust. I don't know. Maybe I'm not as smart as I thought I was.
"Kaden's Lullaby," by Pat God Bless 2013, expresses love and commitment to protect the poet's new grandchild. This piece is a lyric and has the steady repeated meter important to such pieces.
There are three stanzas. The first two stanzas are addressed to the grandchild. These lines are loving, thankful, and protective. The poet's third stanza shifts gears and becomes a prayer to God and petitions His blessing on the child.
The piece follows familiar paths, without any new insights. There are no "Aha" moments here. Still, it is endearing in its unbridled expressions of grand-maternal love.The child is fortunate to be blessed with such a loving, caring, and sensitive grandmother.
jThis is an insightful poem about the effects of guilt on a person who cheats on-deceives-betrays-or otherwise wrongs a lover. "Be sure your sins will find you out," says the Bible. How true! and not only literally, as by the wronged person learning the details of the offense. You sins can also "find you out" by visiting you through the guilt mechanism as this poem so surely points out. Reminds me of a character standing before a wash bowl and crying, "Out, damned spot!"
This is a briefly encapsulated essay on existentialism. The dedicated existentialist would say it is oversimplified, and he would be right, but it is nonetheless a relatively accurate statement of that philsophy.
My two prinicpal concerns are:
(1) What is the relevance of a catastrophic ending taking placeMillions of years after my death? (Or even 100 years -- or maybe even two days -- after,) It seems to me that not many of us life to make this world a better place in 200 years.
(2) While existentialism might serve as an explanation for being, it offers little thought or guidance as to what choices we ought to make while we occupy the planet. Yes, we are here independent of any personal thought or input as to how or why we got here. But what is my responsibility to those with whom I share the planet? To my world, my nation, my state, and my family? Personally, I must turn to conventional religion to find those answers.
Dr. Holmes reviewed a poem of mine and I am returning the favor. The good doctor has three items in his port, and I felt that the whole collection was better suited for comment than individual reviews of the works, though they are each stand-alone items. The stories are "Apocolypse Come," Alistair and Alfred," and "Tested."
Each of the stories is very short. Each is a vignette, describing a precise moment in time. Each deals with a tortured relationship. Each story ends by taking the reader to a new place.
But these are not cookie cutter look-alikes. "Alistair" treats a tenuous gay relationship. "Apocolypse" is about the maincharacter's rejection by all of his classmates. "Tested" is a nice play of whether it is pregnancy or the whole relationship that is tested. None of the rejectees feels good about the rejection, but each of them receives it with a kind of clinical stoicism. The reader senses they are bruised but not broken and will be able to move on.
The style of writing is terse, spare, minimalist. It serves short fiction well. Nonetheless, Dr. Holmes manages to get good mileage from his snapshots. The stories are readable and entertaining.
Hemingway's Goldfish brings a thoughtful and introspective poem, "Creation," on the subject of finding, discovering, or even "creating" a love relationship. The poet does a nice job of cataloging the range of emotions, frustrations, and challenges faced in the quest for love. He believes he would be a good partner, but no one seems to listen. No one responds. I might advise him to stop trying so hard and do his best to make the rest of his life a success. As for the love part, he should keep his eyes and ears open and be receptive to love's moment.
The poem has an appealing A-B-A-B rhyme scheme. I would say that this is "slant" rhyme, where there is a repetition of the vowel sounds, but I guess technically slant rhyme only applies where the repetition is on the stressed syllables. The meter of this poem is as elusive as the rhyme, but it does not appear to me that the repetition occurs exclusively on stressed syllables. Call it "off rhyme," then, or "imperfect rhyme." Anyway it is original, ceative, and quite enjoyable.
UncleSquidward poem brings home the duality of his relationship with his mother, like most close personal relationships. One of the early stages of grief is anger at the deceased.Usually it the anger isn't totally rational. The deceased didn't want to hurt the survivors and usually didn't intend to die. Sometimes, though, the death results from self-destructive behavior. It might be substance abuse. It might be suicide. In the case of this poem there are suggestions that the deceased mother took her own life. The anger felt over such an act surpasses the normal "stages of grieving" anger. Still, the poet is able to remember strong positive aspects of his mother's life and their relationship. He manages to balance the good and bad gracefully and expressively. He is able, at the end, to thank her for the positive evven while he holds her responsible for a bad decision. This complex poem is well done forom the standpoint of expression of complex feelings. I do not insist on rhyme or a conventional meter. I do not insist on a standard or recognizable struccture. I do not insist on metaphor, images, alliteration, or onamotopia. this poem has none of those poetic devices and, in my opinion, it would be better if it had something to make it a bit more artistic.
In "Crawfish Boil," (probably pronounced "bole") CeO nicely captures the flavor and ambiance of the event. He uses a nice, direct A-B-C-B rhyme in a rhythmic cadence. This is a transporting snapshot of a colorful and flavorful event and is a good read.. If I had a "recommended list" this selection would be on it.
Big Bad Wolf treats us to "Five Minutes." This story moves faster than a speeding bullet and with more power than a locomotive. I think the main character could leap tall buildings in a single bound. The story is absorbing with remarkable character development in such a short sketch.
Suggestions: flesh out Robert's character a little more. Maybe state his motivation or give him some back story. It's not totally satisfying that he just went nuts. There are a few loose ends. One is, what about the lead's missing limbs? Didn't anyone notice that they came and went? Picky, picky. This is a good story well worth a read.
"I Saw a Dragon," by Magoo, is a happy poem written in rhymed couplets in nicely consistent iambic quadrimeter. This poemhas gentle, non-threatening images and I would think it it would work well for children, brobably its intended audience.
One wonders what else Magoo might have in mind with this poem. The dragons and their children integrate themseves into the culture and economy of the populace. They contribute and bring prosperity to the populace. In Chinese culture the dragon symbolizes power and good luck -- a figure to be welcomed,enjoyed, and even revered. In hard economic times perhaps Magoo's poem is an optimistic harbinger of better times around the corner. I do not personally think't America's dragon will be the tea party, trickle-down conservatism, or Mitt Romney. Maybe it isnt Obama eiher. Who knows.
Perhaps this review is an illustration of reading too much into a poem and making a simmple, happy children's poem into a political-economic tract. Again, who knows? I think Magoo knows.
"Love's Birth," by Stricuckoo, uses two metaphors from nature -- the rose bush in winter and the acorn--each of which nicely reflect both the barrenness of life without love and the hope and promise of love waiting to appear. There is no consistent meter, but so what? The language is graceful and this poem sounds very good when read aloud. There is an easy A-B-C-B rhyme pattern with an interesting wrinkle. In the first and third stanzas the rhymes don't quite rhyme (at least not in the classical sense). Those words, "thorns" and "reborn" in the first stanza and "emotion" and "reunion" in the third, are close enough to rhyming to subtly suggest the closeness of a coming love not quire arrived. A nice touch, whether or not it was intentional.
Clarified Chaos seeks advice on selection of a point of view for a WIP novel.The writer appears to already havea pretty good grasp of choices of POV and the issues of which POV to select. She knows she has latitude and is not bound by any ironclad rule. She also shows a good and sensitive awareness of some of the trade-offs, risks, and rewards of making a selection. The good news is that in the end the choice, or choices, are hers alone and she is not only omniscient, but also omnipotent at least within the pages of her novel.
So then, what is my advice? I would quickly rule out the use of the second person POV; this appears not to be "that kind" of novel, where the author purports to be specifically directing the text to the reader. The author appears to recognize that this novel is of such broad scope and complexity as to be inappropriate for an exclusive use of a first person POV, though she seems inclined to want to use first person for selected scenes and passages, combining first person with third person omniscient. Without knowing more about the novel, my advice would have to be guaarded. But I think the omniscient third party POV in the past tense seems to fit her objectives best. I would encourage some well-considered departures, as the author is doing, to mix things up a bit and add a little spice.
Well, that would be my advice and I am sure it was worth every penny it cost.
"The Gentleman," by Aganippe, intrroduces a lengthier story or book. As an introductory piece this does some things well and others not quite so well.
On the positive side, it appears that the central characters will be Arina, Eric, Dimitri, and Christopher, the surviving children of James, who dies of a gunshot wound. The material in this piece is the conversation between James and Arina and, later, between James and his sons as James dies.
The author shows us the strength and affection between the family members. We learn there will be a revenge motive for the sons against their father's assailant. We learn of a probable conflict between the siblings and an overbearing aunt, Lucille. There are vague references to Arina "doing what she wants to do" and James' hope that she will be allowed to follow this course. There is a possible financial conflict generated by the father's stated wish to leave his entire estate to Arina because the boys have enough already. All in all, several potential coflicts sppear on the near horizon and the author will have a challenge to juggle them successfully.
Perhaps some things could be improved. The setting is unclear as to both time and place. When the reader is left hanging as to these basics he is left with some discomfort and disorientation. Other things are confusing. Why did the assailant shoot james? Who is the "son of a bitch" who James wants to take him to his deceased wife after his death? Is it the devil, God, or someone else? There is little description of anything except the weather. We aare introduced to the characters, but lack any detail about their ages, appearance, or even attitudes (except they all seem to have loved their father). There are three brothers. If they are like peas in a pod, why have three? If each brings something different to the story, the introduction might be a good time to suggest their differences. Authors typically do not divulge too much in their opening. Omitting setting and character definition are not the usual things to omit and,I believe, should usually be avoided. There are plenty of other unanswered questions to serve as grist for the literary mill in this piece.
This is a nicely cooked snippet of surrealism that raises more questions than it answers. What are dreams? What is reality? How will man cope with threats made by the advance of technology? What are the limits of endurance? Will mind ultimately prepail over matter? And all in fewer words (about 350) than it takes to tell about it.
My usual review approach is to pitch the review toward the reader. The author benefits tangentially. Here, though, I abandon that approach to tell the author, directly, what I think.
First, I think you should give each piece of dialogue its own paragraph and limit what else you say beyond the quote to a minimum few words. Too many of your paragraphs begin with an introductory quote followed by too lengthy text, often not even characterizing the dialogue. The reader loses focus on what was said and divides his attention between the dialogue and the narrative. It also results in a "wall of text" sometimes difficult to penetrate.
Second, for me your material is too cerebral, especially for an introduction. You might consider the "modern" tactic of beginning with some compelling action. At the end of your piece I had some facts, but little feeling for the characters and little interest in how or whether, for example, the issue of expenses would get resolved.
My comments notwithstanding, I believe you have some ability and I encourage you to develop your writing and, in particular, this story. It has the makings of a good tale.
This poem expresses some nice sentiments about the romance, adventure,enduring robustness, and spirituality of matrimonial love. For this, score some points for Tim Chieu in "Two Lovebirds."
Mr. Chieu usually writes a more structured poem, with frank rhyme and meter. Here he abandons structure: there is no rhyme; there is no consistent metric pattern; the number of syllables in the lines varies, as does the number of lines in the stanzas.This reviewer is no slave to rigid conventions of rhyme, meter, or poetic form and structure. Some consistency, some patterns, some rhythm are usually helpful to the success of a poem. If it is going to read like prose, it better be well-written prose, and "Two Lovebirds" is not.
One could also pick nits about the content. Lovebirds on a journey to "both ends" of a vast and spacious earth? Of course the earth, as a sphere, has no "ends." If you consider the poles as "ends" the image of a pair of lovebirds inarctic and antarctic regions is unappealing and I doubt that's what Mr. Chieu has in mind. The reference to "a breathtaking encounter" between the sea and the sky is confusing. To what "encounter" does Mr. Chieu refer? Finally, there seems to be some tension as to whether "Mother Earth" --implying some natural and free-form order of being -- and our "Creator" -- implying a more theistic hand at the controls.
Still, even taking into account the artistic lapses in this work, I return to the point made at the outset: There aresweetly expressed and pleasing romantic notions nicely articulated here.
Glad you see your work as a helluva read. For me, not so much.
Still, I have to admit to a certain level of originality in this piece. Keep working to hone a level of competence, if you can, without dropping your unique style.
Peaconearth's "The True Story of a Child" describes some of the problems her seven year old son experiences growing up. We know the boy has health problems and we know his parents are divorced. We do not get an emotional picture of this boy. Does he cry? What does he say to his mother and father? Does he express wants and needs? How well does he socialize with other children? What activities does he do and enjoy? What would he like to do but, perhaps, cannot? The story seems to be more about the mother/author and her path to adjustment.
Technically, the writing is average. Most of the sentencces are too long. There are too many compuound sentences joined (or should we say separated) by an "and."
On the positive side, there is value in organizing thoughts and setting them out on paper.This mother communicates a rather intense love and caring for her son. She seems somewhat upset that she is not the custodial parent. She might be feeling a little guilty that her son has special needs and she cannot personally respond. She has a bit of an alternative life style herself. She seems pretty well adjusted to it and not unduly defensive.
It is interesting what people have to say when they set out to write about their children.
"Dear Lord Please Guide Me Today" presents as a prayer poem. It beseeches God for help in a variety of situations the poet finds problematic. This poem tacitly acknowledges God's omnipotence and suggest that He may hear and respond to the poet's prayers and solve all problems. People who lke this sort of thing will like this thing.
The poet uses 18 lines of rhymed couplets, four stanzas of four lines each and one, the first, of just two lines. The rhyme is consisent and solid. Twice in this poem we see some forcing in the form of a reverse, Yoda-like, phrasing. "Let me never hateful be" and "Thankful may I ever be" succeed in preserving the rhyme, but at the cost of awkward and stilted phrasing. A little thought and effort could remedy that.
"Taut," by Socorro, lays bare the intellectual and emotional recognition that a brief affair, while meaningful to the poet, will not satisfy the longing for permanence and commitment. Some of the images, e.g., "taillights edging awary" and "an uneasy bookend" both strengthen and illustrate the poem's message. This poem cretes a delicious tension between an almost clinical intellectual diagnosis of what is going on and, on the other hand, a wrenching emotional involvment immune to the solace of rational thought.
It might be interesting to know how this pair got to this point in their relationship.
Whisper's "Silent Witness" is Exhibit A for standing up for the downtrodden. Written from the point of view of a classmate, "Silent Witness" tells the tale of the victim of a class of bullies. But itis also the tale of the classmate who might have made a difference but was too intimidated to take a stand.
As strong as this premise is, the execution matches it. The characters ring true. The dialog is believable. The story moves nicely from beginning, to middle, to end with seamless transitions. The story has an autobiographical feel, but whether or not it is true is unimportant. It has something to say and it says it well.
Amy's "View to a Life" gently accepts the stages of life and aging. This poem draws pleasing images throughout.
The meter moves the poem along consistently well, but the rhyme seems to break down in the last two stanzas. "Launched" and "return" are quite a str4etch, as are "calm" and "dawned."
There are two awkward syntax used: "The sea, she swells and dips" and "The lifeboat, she is launched." The poet, she might like to rework these phrases. One such phrase, she might pass without comment, but not two.
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