Tim, I think this poem falls below your usual standard of excellence and I will tell you why in this private review.
Starting with the title, passive verb forms weaken your message. I believe you know, but must have forgotten, that use of the verb "to be" in all of its forms (including is, was, are, etc.) denotes state of being and not action. It denotes passivity as opposed to activity. So why not "your Love Matters" -- active -- instead of "Your Love is What Matters" -- passive" That could be changed in both the title and in the third line of the final stanza.
The perfect tense is also weak. "We've been" good friends and "We have become" united should be stated more strongly. How about "An instant bond of friendship formed when we met" and "We stand as united lovers" as substitutes?
Although you state that you are trying to reduce adjectives (and, while we are at it, why not adverbs too) I still see a propensity to overuse these words. Further, some of these descriptors are just not very good. "Such good friends" would be better stated by saying "close friends" or, perhaps even better, just "friends" without the descriptives.
"And though we truly are different,
We remain so closely connected…"
Could be stated as:
Though we differ
We remain connected.
"Magnificent" is a strange adjective to describe "grasp." Why not again simply eliminate the descriptor? If you feel an adjective is needed, choose one that either describes a grasp ( like firm, tight, etc.) or one that describes a relationship (like loving, caring, etc.) Maybe you could even find an adjective that describes both a grasp and a relationship (supportive?)/
"Cordially" normally describes politeness or a less intense friendship. You might find a business letter signed "Cordially yours." My wife would wonder shat she did wrong if I told her my feelings for her were cordial. A relationship that is projected to last for decades to come might be described with a hotter level of intensity.
Apparently this relationship began as a friendship and blossomed into love. Now the poem needs to communicate that transition . The theme could be something like the comfortable friendship was precious. Now the intense spiritual and physical love transcends that. But the comfort of friendship remains to be treasured as well.
Argus contributes "Chapter 1: The Questtion." The question in play is "What is the meaning of life." An alternative formulation is "Does life have a meaning." Argus examines various philosophies and concludes that they are all coping mechanisms for psychically dealing with the great "What if" -- what if there is no meaning.
One could nitpick his categories of philosophical thought as not exhaustive. Nihilism is under-represented, as are most Eastern religions. Humanism is not characterized at all as "humanism" and certainly not the way a practicing humanist would characterize it. Nonetheless, he does a good job of trying to capture the major strains of thought.
Some of the assumptions of this piece could be argued. Argus suggests that nothingness, "the great void" is mankind's greatest fear. Arguably the concept of hell creates more raw terror than nothingness. Compared to burning for life, nothingness looks pretty good. Then too, "nothingness" is really not to be feared at all unless we are aware of the "nothingness" (in which case it wouldn't be a void, would it?). On this premise some philosophers argue that death is really the absence of self-awareness.
Setting aside all the petty carping, the piece is really quite good and should serve as a starter for some pretty deep discussion.
Geniusgal contributes a revised "The lady of my heart.," a strong and heartfelt tribute to her mother. The poem catalogues the sacrifice, support, and comfort this mother gave for her child, the poet. The affection and gratitude of the child come shining through the words unmistakably.
There is no rhyme and there need not be. There is no consistent meter. The stanzas range from four to six lines in length and the lines range from two to nine syllables, with the legnths not following any pattern. Use of punctuation, too, is inconsistent and appears random.
So while the content is carefully measured and well thought out the mechanics of the poem appear to be random and ill conceived. There may be readers who care not for mechanical structure but I believe there are many many more of us who find some attention to mechanical detail to be a more harmonic approach to poetry. It is fine not to use rhyme. Some unifying structural device, however, improves the readability and sound of a poem.
I would really rate this poem quite high for concept and idea content. I cannot say the same for artistic merit or craftsmanship.
It takes a special talent to write satire. It has to be close enough to the truth to hit the mark and just enough off key to be funny. But when satire works like it should it is a joy to read. Such is the case with Klipik"s "The Girl Without Color."
Targets here include the medical profession, health care delivery systems, drugs, drug dependence, and drug dealers, the visual arts, racism (probably), and shallow values concerning character and personal worth. Klipik goes after all of these in the gentle, savage, humorous, and pointed manner of good satire.
Cutter Peeler contributes "Frederic." This piece explores a friendship between a human and a being (a robot?) created to serve humans. As such, the story may serve as an allegory for the institution of slavery or any other institutionalized dominance of one class of beings over another. Mr. Peeler does some nice work here, writing from the viewpoint of the "Tec," the dominated being. In an emotional and non-preachy way, this story challenges the humanity of subjugating a subservient class of individuals.
Mr. Peeler skillfully and artfully handles conventions between humans and Tecs. An example is the prohibition against touching each other (thus discouraging inter-species intimacy). Without again mentioning the convention, the Tec physically carries the human just before the human dies. Nicely done.
There are a some technical errors but they are few and far between. Unfortunately, one turns up in the second sentence of the story where we read, "Her was the first to talk to . . . ." This should've been, "He was the first to talk to . . . ." Such errors anywhere should be corrected, but they seem to be particularly offensive at the beginning of a piece when the reader wonders how much of this will he be seeing. In Peeler's defense not many more errors follow.
The theme, not particularly original, still seems relatively fresh because of the skill of the author in presenting it in a creative way. This is a good effort and worth reading.
Doug Gealy, writing as dgbskball, contributes "The Last Truth." This piece grimly reports on the end of something. The world? Civilization? The solar system? Whatever it is that has ended has passed in the wind of the universe. The narrator, in these extreme circumstances, documents events by writing "The End" with ink from his own veins. The imagery is quite compelling.
The poet, as is his right, rejects most punctuation. As the phrases come together there is room for confusion and punctuation would help. On the other hand, the poet might intend alternative readings and the punctuation would take the alternatives out of play.
Two mechanical notes: "Universes" should probably be "Universe's" and "ink form my veins" should probably be "ink from my veins."
Wally Setter's "Thy Will Be Done" poses a nice set of moral questions in an age of rapidly advancing "artificial intelligence." As man pioneers this field, the first question is, "Is this creation artificial?" Oh, robots and computers and such are not the stuff of blood and flesh and bone, but the chemical composition hardly answers the question of the quality of "thought" being produced. And is not the educated, informed, and creative use of science in the engineering of machine intelligence a marvel to equal (or even exceed) the product of evolution of the flesh? Are the spiritual yearnings of a properly informed machine mind less valid than if those thoughts emanated from biological brain matter? There is no clear answer to whether machine-generated thought is "artificial" just because the materials of being are not biologically human.
The next questio raised relates to man's moral responsibility to the mechanical beings he creates. According to "Thy Will Be Done" the robotic entity experiences emotional distress approximating torture. Should Man turn a morally deaf ear to pleas the machine directs to Man's concept of God?
These bio-ethical issues may turn out to be more critical -- and more determinative of Man's future -- than the engineering and technical issues that give them birth. Mankind may be nearing the juncture on the decision tree where these moral and ethical decisions must be made.
By the way, the piece is a good read, entertaining, artistic, and well-crafted in every way.
Tim Chiu contributes "The Feelings of the Overly Burdened."
The title might well refer to the readers of this poem. The piece is twenty-three lines long and has just three sentences. This poem reads less like a poem more like turgid, antiquated, wordy prose. There is no rhyme and no recognizable meter. I recognize Mr. Chiu's considerable talents as a poet and I nod to his skill in nice consistent meter and good unforced rhyme. I liked it better when he wrote that way.
I acknowledge, also, plenty of good poetry presented wthout rhyme or formal metric patterns. This one, though, has all of those tortured clause laden sentences and really does demand more than, I fear, most readers will be willing to give.
A creative premise with some tongue-in-cheek humor pulls this ranking UP to a 3.5.
"Surviving the Storm," by IntueyURAwesome, is a biographical relating of the events, consequences, and human feelings in surviving a hurricane. The author does a nice job of building this natural drama then descrfibing the feelings of fear, frustration, and helplessness as natural forces invade what we prize as a secure place.
This piece is strong, and certainly deserves a stand-alone review. The piece may be viewed, as well, in the context of the author's posted portfolio. Here we see mystery, humor, poetry, relationships, and a whole range of writing. This fine portfolio spreads over at least six years, demonstrating a lasting commitment to the art of writing and a commitment to excellence in getting it right.
While the range extends across various genres, feelings, and encompasses a full range of feelings, there are elements of style that run, as common threads, through all of the pieces. There is, first of all, clear, direct syntax without ambiguities or pointless distractions. There is a simplicity and directness of language that is economical and endearing. This author is not only an accomplished artist, but a skilled technician as well.
I heartily recommend not only "Surviving a Hurricane," but this author's whole portfolio.
Michael Kitz contributes "Racial Slurs: The Overcoming Of." This well-meant editorial makes some good points about language and how the use of certain words powerfully impacts individuals and societies.There is enough merit in the thoughts represented here to qualify this piece as a good read.
This piece, however, suffers from multiple cases of really bad syntax. The title could be something like "Overcoming the Language of Racial Slurs." But no, it is "Racial Slurs; The Overcoming Of," a seriously awkward example of why grammarians still prefer not to end clauses with prepositions.
Then move to the very first sentence: "Since the beginning of the formation of these United States there has certain underlying principles that have guided our direction and progress." The author could have written, "Certain principals have guided this nation since its beginning." That sacrifices none of his meaning but does so in far fewer words and is not torturous reading. "The beginning of the formation" feels duplicative. The verb choice "has" is singular, but its object, "principals," is plural.
I do not intend to belabor my point with a line-by-line edit. The author thinks well. His vacabulary serves him well. I believe he probably could identify his own syntax and grammar errors quite adequatelyif he would just take the time to pay close attention to these details and get them right. Sometimes when we have something to say there is a rush to get it said and ignore the pesky little details of style, syntax, and grammar. "Racia: Slurs: The Overcoming Of" represents a good example of why form carries weight too. Bad form can, and often does, detract from good content.
"You Are," by Stricuckoo, beautifully expresses love and devotion and, with an unusual juxtaposition of emotions, also expresses the anguish of separation.
In another review of a poem about race perceptions I somewhat took Stricuckoo to task for superficiality about an important topic. This poem is most definietly NOT superficial and shows that Stricuckoo has the capacity and art to plumb deep emotions in a touching way.
"Others," by Stricuckoo, expresses what I am sure is a laudable sentiment: look beneath a person's skin color to measure his/her real worth.
The problem I have with this kind of message, and this one in particular, it that it comes off as an inconsequentially small jingle. Its sing-song meter and strong rhyme contribute to the notion that this is not serious poetry. This lah-di-dah-di-dah-di-dah doggeral does not do justice to the noble ideals it professes.
In XxX's "Return Flight, a piece of only 289 words, I count seven sentences using "is" as the verb. That is probably why this effort comes off as rather flat and lifeless. "Is" and any form of the verb "to be" denote passivity. A verb conveys action of state of being. "To be" and its forms represent the "state of being" part of that definition. Instead of saying the squabble of people is loud enough to drown the sounds of the jets, why not say,for example, "The loud squabble of the people around me drowns the rumble of jet engines just outside. Instead of saying all I can feel is the rough shoves of people, why not say "Yet I feel only the rough shoves. . . ." In other words, emphasize "drowns" and "feel" and not "is" and "is."
Other than that, I found the piece quite interesting and impressive for a 300 word limit effort.
Try going for the active instead of the passive and see if you agre that it will add punch and spice to your writing.
Once in a while we come across a poem that really stretches us. Most of the poetry studied back in high school stretched everyone that I knew. A few students worked at it, accepted the challenges, and turned into poetry lovers. The rest of the students gave up on that kind of poetry and many developed mental blaocages against all poetry forevermore.
Jaya's "Still Loving You" stretched me, at least initially, and from its reviews I suspect it stretched a few other readers. Like most "difficult" poetry, however, this piece is not as formidable as it seems at first blush. To be sure, most of us do not have ready knowledge of the Vedas and the Upanishads. At least Jaya does us the favor of telling us, in a note, who and what they are. i read a few internetarticles to flesh out those terms a little, but those references remained and stilol remain murky to me.
It should not have been too hard to realize that the poem was not to a human lover, but to the poet's homeland, or motherland. Not only are there plenty of clues (including the Vedas and the Upanishads) but the poet tells us she's writing about her homeland. Still, itdid not readily click into place. My bad, not hers.
Having come to grips with the real subject of this poem, the personification and the imagery is really quite good. The expressions of affection, loyalty, and reverence of the poet for her homeland are touching and, for me, bridge a cultural gap that pre-existed this poem.
There is no rhyme other than an occasional incidental rhyme. There is no metric patter identifiable, at least not to me. For some reason this relative absence of form suits the poem quite well.
This piece truly develops the facts and feelings associated with the murder of a cherished family member. The account manages almost clinically objectivity and, at the same time, it conveys a full range of emotions: grief, frustration, anger, nostalgia, compassion, and even, perhaps, a slight note of forgiveness.
Technically "A Lasting Farewell" excells. Grammar and spelling are error free, dialog is right on, transitions and paragraphs are just right. In this piece on the first pass the reader never gives a thought to any technical issue. Grammar, punctuation, and syntax are all just tools and the reader doesn't think about them any more than he thinks of the carpenter's hammer and saw when he visits a beautiful home.
In recent years courts have often allowed the families of victims to offer "impact statements" at sentencing hearings. I have been less than completely supportive of this practice because the newly convicted defendant has no practical opportunity to rebut what is said. After reading "A Lasting Farewell" I have changed my mind and I now think survivors should do impact statements. Such statements provide context for the judge, some degree of closure for the survivors, and probably even a needed personal rebuke to the perpetrator. "A Lasting Farewell" would be Exhibit A for the proposition of encouraging impact statements.
Ashley contributes "home," a short snippet expressing some thoughts about things that determine whether a place is a "home" in the fullest sense of the word. Ashleys experiences represent some of the life events most of us would prefer not to happen. Nonetheless, it is apparent that living through difficult situations gave Ashley a platform and insights to write with compelling authenticity. One concern: Ashley writes technically correct grammar for the most part. For some reason, she chooses not to capitalize. The absence of capitals is a mildly annoying distraction and seems not to serve any purpose.
Scott Gray contributes "Ramblings on Horror," a very frank and original take on death in general and his mopther's death in particular.
Gray provides foundation for his observations and reactions. First, he does so by relating a meeting with his father and noting what the deceased mother meant to Gray, the father, and their family. This speaks to the magnitude of their loss. Secondly, Gray recounts personal experiences he has had ,in various contexts, with death and physical trauma. He is no neophyte in the subject.
With those personal qualifications Gray moves on to the primary point ofthe piece: The physical remains of a life, no matter how well they have been processed, are nothing like the vital human being who formerly occupied those premises. Gray's contribution speaks to the finality of death. To Gray, particularly as it relates to the death of his own mother, this finality is a grotesque horror. It may be a horror to the deceased; it may be a horror to the author. It may be a horror to both.
There is another point, too. The ritual of death, the made up remains in good clothes on display, is somehow less than honest. Gray knows what dead bodies look like, and this isn't it.
Coping with the death of a loved one provides a worth subject for an essay and Gray excells here.
Janice 48 contributes "The Monster Inside of Me," a poem which relates the physical and emotional toll taken by a long and painful illness.
I have the feeling that the piece is autobiographical. It is, however, quite at odds with the author's presentaion in her bio. Rarely have I seen so many smiley faces, rainbows, and similr symbols and expressions of happiness all in sharp contrast to the pain and debilitation expressed in the poem. Perhaps she was having a particularly bad day when she wrote the poem. Or maybe she had an atypically up day when she did her bio.
At any rate, the poem is a generally unrestrained complaint against the ravages of disease. As an expression, I guess it works. Sometimes poets find something to encourage, elevate, or inspire even through suffering. It's not a requirement, but sometimes it works quite well in poetry. I didn't find anything like that in "The Monster Insde of Me."
The poem relates a euphoric account of the poet's symptoms of new love, or more probably, infatuation.
It is always valid to share feelings in poetry and Jess certainly does that.
On the other hand, this is not very artistic. The poem boasts four four-line stanzas in an A-B-C-B rhyme pattern. The rhyming is competent. The rhythm is choppy with widely varying syllable counts. Third line syllables, for example, vary from a low of three syllables all the way to a high count of eight. There is likewise no recognizeable meter and the emphasis is all over the place. I know, I know, structure and meter are not requirements for good poetry. But this poem, with its four-line stanzas and rudimentary rhyme pattern, looks like it is trying to be a traditionally structured poem but just doesn't quite get it. There is no flow when read silently and this is confirmed was confirmed when read aloud.
"One Possibility" is not bad for content/message, but needs work on artistic construction.
Beth Zisman, in "Charing Cross" demonstrates virtuosity as a wordsmith. Her use of red eyes both lterally and symbolically is clever and arty. Her use of the period and the ellipsis as they pertain to the end of the love affair is innovative and effective.
This poem takes some cute backhand swipes, but won't leave any marks or waves in its wake.
Such a direct, unself-conscious, and honest outpouring of fellings is rare. The poet finds uncomplicated but apt images to emphasize, no, underline, his points.
Lately I have seen comments in the newsletters to the effect that rhyme, meter, and rigid structure interfere with true expression in love poetry. Those writers won't have to worry about that here. The only discipline in this poem is the poet's own faithfulness to the full and unfettered expression of his emotions.
Ali's "The Only One" rebuts my argument that the fantasy genre consists of inferior writing.
This is good. The story-telling craftsmanship is superb. The author starts with a strong action scene with limited, but effective, description. The action hook is set. Then Ali begins explaining, revealing, and engaging the reader. But the revelations are only partial and subtle. The beginning of this story creates as much curiousity as it satisfies. The writing is straight out of Writing 101, and Ali does it meticulously.
Is this a bit too formulaic? A case might be made that it is. But the flow of this narration is so unself-conscious and natural that the thought of formula writing is remote and untroubling.
I recommend "The Only One" as Exhibit A for how to begin a work of fiction.
Writing provides a fertile topic for writers. Otakon, In "Read, Review, Rejoice," provides his perspective on writing and reviewing.
This piece recognizes that the acclaim of other writers is a powerful motive to write. Just as it is wonderful to receive appreciation, it may be uncomfortable (an understatement) to receive criticism. But it is the risk of criticism that enhances the joy of appreciation. And it is the insight from critics that sharpen writing tools to improve our product.
These thoughts, while not highly original, need to be articulated once in a while and this piece serves to put reading, reviewing, and writing in a healthy perspective.
Satnam88 brings us "A Walk on the Wild Side of Home."
The piece explores the feelings of a transsexual girl who experiences conflict about going home. The notion of going home may be read both literally and figuratively. On the literal level, her some is in a small community where the inhabitants, the narrator believes, will be intolerant of her. Not the least of the narrator's concerns is the reaction of her own mother. She misses her mother, but has a strong approach-avoidance conflict. On the figurative level, "home" represents a place of comfort and acceptance. The narrator is concerned that this kind of home will forever elude her.
Satnam uses words from a song, "A Walk on the Wild Side," a song which haunts her, to illustrate feelings, attitudes, and choices mirrored in her own life. This is effective and artistic.
This piece does not purport to balance the pros and cons of a gender change. It does a nice job of showing the cost of this procedure.
There is no action line and no resolution. It is more a vignette -- or a collage of pictures -- than a classic short story.
Years ago, as an art student, I struggled with making sense of Jackson Pollock, dadaism, cubism, Picasso, and post-impressionism. When I learned to simply embrace the experience for whatever it was I enjoyed it a lot more and did much better in my classes. Poetry and art are not totally different in that respect.
As readers I would venture that we owe it to ourselves and to the poet to probe for "understanding" or for a lesson or a point. When we do that and nothing emerges we need to be open to two alternatives: (a) There is no point, or (b) There may be a point, but the poet failed to make it. We need not consider ourselves dummies if we don't get it. Some poetry isn't very good. Also, for whatever reason, some good poetry is not accessible to us.
"First Impressions" does not communicate any message, point, moral, or even any abstract artistic expression to me. Alani's "fault," my fault," who cares? It doesn't work for me, even when I just relax and try to experience its essence.
I applaud its originality and creativity of form. I am reluctant to criticize too harshly anything I don't understand. Let's just say that if there is some substance to this piece, it is not accessible by me.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dougrainbow/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.25 seconds at 12:30pm on May 05, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
