Once in a while I come across a poem I do not understand. Oh, I understand the words and some of the sentences, but I cannot grasp the essential message of the piece. Such is the case with Mellemcee's "Puzzle People." I just don't get it.
The poem starts by stating that "It started as form and became a shape." There is no explanation of what "It" is and I do not see any significant distinction between a shape and a form. To me they are pretty much the same. As the poem goes on it seems to shift from the narrator's life, to society in general, to prisoners, hospital patients, and the handicapped. The focus wanders from shapes and forms to words. All in all, I find the poem is confusing and lacks any coherent focus.
I think I am usually pretty good at getting the meanings of poems, but I admit that the failure here might be mine, not Mellemcee's. I doubt it, but maybe so.
Exploring the subject of love through the prism of non-human lovers is a useful device. (I use it in "Glass Lovers" and "The Angle and the Arc.") It amplifies the universality of the emotions of love. It de-toxifies some of the negatives, such as infidelity, jealousy, and insecurity.
Magoo uses the tool of non-human lovers to good and humorous advantage in his short poem "The Potato and the Tomato." In just six economical rhymed couplets Magoo tells their story.
The reader gets a laugh out of this and, maybe, an object lesson in making early assumptions about affection and commitment. I do not draw any conclusions about mixed race romance. Even though the tomato and the red potato have the same skin color, they, after all, are mixed species.
As an exercise in descriptive writing "The Way I See you," by Stephanie, could work betterl. A name for the person she describes would be helpful. "Sue" would personalize this passage more than repeated references to "she" or "her."
Stephanie asks to be reviewed as to whether she used the proper amount of detail in her description. Normally the answer to that question depends on whether the chosen detail adds to or detracts from the story. If the detail helps the story, it is good. If it is an unhelpful distraction it should have been omitted.
The problem with that is that there is no story here. The piece simply appears as an "assignment" -- probably a school assignment -- on descriptive writing.
It occurs to me that Stephanie might want to construct a short story based on the "she" this piece describes and, in the story, use the descriptive traits as appropriate. How about starting something like this:
Everyone was talking about this beautiful girl, Sue, who was new to our
school. When I first saw her, way down the hallway, I didn't get the
reason for all the fuss. She was just another tall, slim girl with long
brown hair. Okay, Sue's hair was more than just brown. It was shiney
chestnut-hued and hung just right, like a curtain, over her shoulder.
Maybe that's not perfect either, but now there is a reason for your description and, maybe, just a hint that the narrator might feel a little jealousy. Do you see how hanging the description on the narrative illuminates both the descriptive writing and the narrative?
You have a good eye and excellent observational talent. You convert you keen observations to words very well. I hope you find these comments helpful and not just critical.
Tim Chiu imaginatively and succinctly sketches the obstacle of pride in love. He draws on the image of tigers in love, which imparts a nice level of energy and competitive juice.
Pride is, indeed, a serious impediment in a love relationship. Its destructive force, in this case, causes even the determined and competitive tiger to "give ground."
For those who care, the poem presents with a nice A-B-A-B rhyme pattern with a well-flowing meter.
"Chapter One" of this otherwise untitled contribution by Just Bursting (an apt pen name) is a good example of the tendency of "modern fiction" to jump right into the action and take care of character development, setting information, and back story on the fly. This technique engages the reader early and, if well done, sets the hook right at the outset. Here the notion of all-out war with China comes out in the first five pages of the work.
I am sure that "modern fiction" sells books and marketing focus groups recommend this instant action approach. I am modern enough to withhold serious criticism, but trditional enough to prefer a more deliberate pace. I would like to get to know the characters better before plunging with them into the tension of the story. I would like to see the action rise in response to reasonable stimuli. I would like the author to court my credibility and make me care about people.
But Just Bursting bursts open with his barn-burner right away and, I must say, he does it quite well. The setting for this first scene is a TV interview and it has a good solid feel. The content of the dialogue is a real stretch, particularly given the absence of any foreplay, but it is technically well done and it certainly moves the narrative.
I am not hooked, probably because of my traditionalist bias confessed above. But I can see how those who like this sort of thing will like this very much.
Sometimes the aesthetic of a poem, its sonic art, comes from its elegance of expression rather than from a recognizable poetic structure, rhyme pattern, or metric scheme. Such is the case with "Underwater Stones," by Joy. This contribution is a delight to read, both silently and aloud. When you can write like this why encumber yourself with the baggage of forms, rhyme, or syllable counts?
The meaning emerges almost in a Haiku "aha" fashion. The sea and it currents represent "real life," or the workaday, non-writing part of the world most of us inhabit. The poet has been there and is now cruising for something else. That something, "underwater stones" in the poem, are sub-surface ideas upon which to hand artistic expression -- ideas for poetry.
There are satisfactions. There are frustrations. The ideas come in various shapes and sizes. Some will not work.
In the end the poet may return to her workaday world and perform whatever mundane tasks she does for practical necessities. She feels pressure to do this "before another nor'easter hits."
But she may stay home and write "and a stone will wear your shadow."
This poem is art, craftsmanship, creativity, and beauty.
Whenever I undertake a review of a contribution about a spiritual subject it is with some trepidation. Religious authors, generally, are quite certain their views are correct. After all, they believe, their opinions are the product of a divine experience that transcends debate or analysis.
And so my review of "Maturing in Faith," by Shonen Oyamashiyo, is offerred with all that in mind.
My most significant criticism of this piece (and many others like it) is that at bedrock it imposes a kind of cost-benefit analysis on matters of faith. The premise is that we ought to trust God because we get something out of it. We can cope with adversity better. We get heavenly favor by pleasing God. If we spread the Word we get lots of reinforcing letters and phone calls.
My view is different. I suggest that faith is not something one rationally chooses in order to gain Godly favor or a ticket to Heaven. It is, rather, the result of a transformative spiritual experience where a person "falls in love" with God, recognizes His Godliness, and commits to give himself/herself over. It has little to do with whether this will "work out" by gaining coping tools or admission to Heaven. If those things happen, fine. But if, instead, one faces earthly persecution and other negatives, then that is OK too.
It is not for me to judge someone else's faith or relationship with God. If the notion that a growing faith will somehow create greater coping capacity, and if that enhances a personal faith relatioship, then by all means go with that. I did, however, feel compelled to note that other sincere people of faith might see it a little differently.
Dutchessbarbie contibutes "She's So Cute." This poem displays maternal love, keen observation, and very warm affection. It exhibits the unbreakable bond of which the last stanza speaks.
But it is more than a simple "feel good" poem. The infant doughter is not at home with her mother, who sees her twice a week. The mother waits for her to come home. We do not know -- and we need not know -- the reason for the separation.
It is interesting how the presence of a threat (a medical condition?) intensifies and heightens the maternal bond and the affection of this mother for her daughter.
B Scholl packs a lot into his short story, "Five Seconds." He frames the story with the motivation of the Arab who throws a grenade into a group of American soldiers and the reaction, at the end, of an American soldier who finds the bodies of the victims. The middle is an account, from the perspectives of the victims, of the five seconds between discovery of he grenade and its detonation. In this brief instant we are made to feel the humanity of the soldiers.
This story succeeds in every way. It is a gripping story with a conflict withing a larger conflict. It is well-told technically and is both crafty and artistic. Finally, "Five Seconds" presents a thoughtful commentary on the horrors of war.
Fitz expresses profound irony in "I Am Not a Poet." He denies experiences of emotional depth. He denies the ability to articulate the extremes of humanity. Fitz declares blindness to the wonders and beauties of nature. He takes the position that he is not a poet because he lacks the experience, sensitivity, and insights to write about -- what? The things he has just written about.
Nit pickers may argue that there are people who experience life fully, but just lack the special gift of expression through the written word. They might contend that Fitz paints with too broad a brush. Maybe so, but so what? That argument misses the delicious irony of this contribution. Fitz mourns that he cannot do the things that he has just done.
Dark Starr contributes "My First Love." The piece is a heartfelt and glowing tribute to her grandfather, who positively impacted her life in many ways. We sense, through her words, love, loyalty, security, nurturing, respect, selflessness and much more.
First, to pick a few nits. You use the word "defiantly" when you probably mean "definitely." I find it hard to believe that anyone as egotistical and graceless as Samantha could achieve popularity. What redeeming feature does she have? Why does the fact that Paula's mother found the invitation require that Paula must attend the party? Why not just say no? When arriving at the party Paula promptly ticks off the names of all of the attendees then, in the next breath, says she doesn't know them. At least she knew their names. This seems to be a contradiction.
The story is otherwise nicely told, though it is somewhat predictable and adheres to a formula where an experience changes outlook and values.
"He is There," by Author66, is a timely contribution of hope and trust in God for his grace and healing. The specific application is for the people of Haiti for their current disaster. In a larger sense it carries a message for all of us for the real source of strength to overcome whatever disappointments and obstacles confront us.
In "Alone at Sunset," Bear Luvs Usti Yana makes good use of the sunset, both literally and metaphorically, to create an artistic expression.
Literally, as the narrator appreciates the beauty of the sunset he pines for someone to love. We wants to share the beauty. He regrets that he must return to a lonesome bed.
Symbolically, the sunset represents the end stages of the narator's life, just as it is the end stage of the day. As life draws to a close the sunset illuminates beautiful memories just as it signals a new beginning at hand.
The narrator looks forward to passing to a better world where he will be reunited with his lover to share a happy afterlife together.
Bear succeeds quite nicely in this brief expression.
A spiritual experience may be transformative. It may substitute a new set of values, aspirations, or attractions for old ones. "Compass," by Saintgoody, briefly explores a slightly different change wrought by a spiritual event. Saintgoody's transformation replaces doubt with confidence. It erases uncertainty and substitutes joy and vigor in the pursuit of dreams and life. It may be comforting to some that a commitment to God might not entail the abandonment of all prior interests and goals, but might instead impart a spiritual certainty on the path taken and increased freedom to "chase a dream."
Evil Nerd contributes "Best Friends?" The poem laments the loss of a friendship. The poem's narrator is isolated from his former friend by secrecy and loss of contact. He recognizes that the light, the vitality, is gone from this relationship. He is unhappy with this turn of events to the point where he feels his soul is now just a hole and he wants to cry. The narrator, though hurt, seems reconciled to his loss.
The rhyme pattern is quite consistent, but the meter is choppy with varying syllable counts and uneven use of iambs.
The pain of this loss manages to come through but fails to generate much empathy. Perhaps analogous examples of loss or incompletion might express the nature and depth of feeling in a more compelling way.
Miss Mad Hatter skillfully weaves contest prompts into her poem, "Vanity." The second stanza recounts a preoccupation -- perhaps an obsession -- with appearance, scents, and lotions. That, I suppose, constitutes vanity. The rest of the poem relates frustration with aspects of the narrator's life and the realization that a teenage dream is dying. The poem represents adolescent unhappiness and disillusionment but vanity? Not unless one adopts an overbroad definition of that term. The poem includes some illustrative detail, but I feel it does not quite get to the root cause of all the unhappiness. I like the expression and tension in this contribution, even if if there is some vagueness and the title is somewhat off the mark. The rhymed couplets are tight and in all respects the poem is technically competent.
"Christmas: A Time for War," by Tyler, may be a sort of sophomoric effort at humor to turn the concept of Christmas and Easter, America's primary religious holidays, into a grisly war between Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. The piece certainly does stand these holidays on their heads. On that level I suppose those who like that sort of thing will like this sort of thing. Neither the concept nor its execution held much appeal for me.
On another level, Tyler might be tweaking us for the emphasis on Santa Claus and Easter Bunny as personifications of our sacred holidays. Choosing warlike figures for Santa and the Easter Bunny might force an examination of the role of these fictions as they represent our holidays. This piece might cause some people to take a more serious look at the spiritual significance of our primary holidays by taking us all to task on the superficiality of Santa and the Easter Bunny. To the extent that this is Tyler's goal, his contribution succeeds better.
The story, with its make-believe central characters, is too light to be of serious interest to adult readers. Much of its language, however, is inappropriate for children.
Tyler should set off his dialogue in separate paragraphs. Otherwise the piece is technically competent.
It is too soon to know how good this untitled work ("Chapter One") by Loves Wishes Upon AStar is going to be.
It has some soft core erotica, a dash of fantasy, a bored and headstrong young princess, and a mysterious rustic suitor all blended together in an alternative fantasy world. Those are stock ingredients. The recipe, their ultimate blending togetther, is just speculative at this point.
This contribution could benefit from a close edit. There are some word choice and syntax errors, such as "their" instead of "they're" when "they are" is the likely meaning. The piece is overwritten with many unnecessary words. It should be stripped to its essentials then add back anything useful for coloring the story.
The story is at its best during dialog, which is generally well-handled.
As for content, the author has already signalled that the rustic stranger will ultimately be the narrator's husband. To give away that much at the outset might unjustifiably rob the contribution of conflict/suspense. There are clues about parental conflict or disapproval of the narrator's action. There are some clues as to potential danger in the newly discovered land. Other than that, this introductory element gives us little flavor of conflict to come.
I will be interested to see if LovesWishesUponAStar cleans up this preliminary chapter and where she goes from here.
E. Houban brings us his thoughts on character-driven writing in "Coming to Plot Trough Characters." His primary device for describing characters seems to be the identification of their emotions. The story progression, in Houban's model, follows emotional hanges in the characters. Houban early on recognizes that his way is only one way to develop plot.
The classic, or traditional way to write begins with populating the story with principal characters, then describing the setting, setting up the tension or conflict, escalating the conflict through action, and finally resolution. Character introduction based primarily on emotional state is a new concept for me, and I do not fully trust it. Other characteristics may be equally or more important to the movement of the story.
Houdan's thoughts, for me, do not represent a Bible to be faithfully followed, but rather a sometimes useful tool bag to employ in the right story.
Reminiscent of "A Clockwork Orange." Nihilistic, pessimistic, normless philosophy of youth in a near-future environment where death is almost welcome. Most of the action is moved by dialog with some narrative action near the end.
The setting could stand some elaboration. A lot -- perhaps too much -- is left to the reader. The confusion is probably deliberate, but might be a bit excessive.
Incomplete resolution at the end is probably an artistic plus, but adds to the feeling of being at sea.
This contribution is very "today" and poetic in approach. It is not one of the happy tales.
"Teardrops on My Guitar," by Aislin, describes a one-way crush a teen-aged girl has for an attractive boy.
Aislin does a good job of stating her feelings waiting for time to pass to be with her friend. She also declares her feelings in a factual but still emotional way.
The ending leaves some room for doubt. The boy tells the narrator he is in love. This almost, but not quite, excludes the narrator from being the one he loves. This incomplete resolution is a little frustrating, but the technique appears in love stories or mysteries with some regularity.
Technically there is little to say. The dialogue in the next-to-last paragraph would be presented better if set out in its own paragraph. There is some non-essential detail about her algebra teacher (his name, his bottle of water). Is is, perhaps, better to eliminate descriptive material that adds nothing to the central notion of the story.
Aislin might improve this piece by foreshadowing the boyfriend's bad news with some actual or symbolic event early in the narration. This story is pretty much a point A to point B linear tale. It could be "framed up" with either the advanced portion of a flashback or an earlier scene between the principal characters to set up their relationship.
All in all, though, it an interesting and entertaining contribution.
"I'm Waiting," by The Crazy Skittle, is a unique little love poem. It's objective is to assure a girl that his love is constant and steady. To do this he first catalogues her foibles. She is frustratingly perfectionist, self-analytical but without understanding, fearful, and insecure. But the author expresses understanding, sympathy, and even affection for these qualities. By stating that he realizes her "faults" and loves her inspite of them -- and even because of them -- he assures her that he will always be there for her.
As a poem it seems to work rather well. The rhyme pattern, A-B-C-B (except for the fourth stanza, which is A-A-B-C) is nice and unforced. "Achieved" is misspelled. Otherwise it is technically well done.
It is unclear how old and experienced this poet is. Personality traits like perfectionism or obsessive-compulsive tendencies may be acceptable or endearing during the infatuation stage of a relationship. They often become burdensome later on, and she is not likely to change. Can you be so sure you will always be there for her?
Doug Rainbow
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