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Review of Dead Steps  
Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"Dead Steps," by Lyons Valentine, brings madness and horror to poetry. This poem calls to mind some of the poetry of Edgar Alan Poe, even to the use of "tapping" and "rapping." (See Poe's "The Raven.")

The story here is a little obscure. There are suggestions that the madman narrator of the poem killed his neighbor's son. "I'll teach his Dad sincerely," for example, and the notion that the narrator is somehow confined from going back home. Yet he does go back home expecting to be rid of the nuisance of noise he attributed to his neighbor's son. He wanted his nemesis to be over but, alas, he discovers footprints on his roof.

This is interesting and provocative work.
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Review of Tuscany Martinez  
Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Bunny contributes "Tuscany Martinez," a generally competent but unmoving character sketch of a troubled girl.

A few mechanical problems appear: the author generally writes in the present tense but, without any apparent reason, sometimes switches to the past tense. Bunny misuses "pass" for the correct word, "past." There are some ungainly run-on sentences. These glitches notwithstanding, Bunny gets the point across. Tuscany Martinez is a girl plagued by disorders, a dysfunctional father-daughter relationship, and eventually by drug use.

This sketch is told in clinical fashion and reads as f taken from a guidance counsellor's summary. Its starts with personal data: name, age, height, and weight. While the writing feconomically packs in plenty of information, it does not make the reader care about Tuscany. If Tuscany is to be a featured character in a longer work a more personal style that opens her head and heart would be preferable. As a stand-alone piece it won't move many readers.
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Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Max Griffin contributes "Mr. Moon, Shine on Me."

The piece chillingly describes the effect of child abuse of a young boy. The physical and emotional pain of corporal punishment and confinement in chains comes through laudly and clearly. The author's clinical approach to the infliction of abusive punishment intensifies the descriptions. The victim's justifications of the behavior of the adults ("I was bad.") and his continued resolve that his mother loves him raise the level of pathos.

The victim's pathologies include a delusional relationship with "Mr. Moon" and eating his little friend, the neighbor's puppy. This victim is headed for a bad life.
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Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Christina Daitro contributes a well-credentialed , "Hitler Eats His Vegetables." The piece earned all of its kudos.

Few of us probably ever thought of Adolf Hitler as a young child. We think of himas a full grown adult and evil incarnate. Ms. Daitro blows that perception out of the water with her vignette about Hitler sitting at the dinner table with his parents as they verbally tussle with him to eat his vegetables.

We get an early glimpse into Hitler's world view, his philosophy and love for war, and his intensity, even as a child. We are reminded of the world political forces that molded Hitler and Germany prior to World War II.

"Hitler Eats His Vegetables" provides a palatable but chilling history lesson and an entertaining read at the same time. The idea for this piece is imaginative and brilliant. "Why didn't I think of that?" Because I'm not that smrt, that's why.
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Review of The Steps  
Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sum1 contributes "The Steps."

The tale, itself, is as original as the concept: inanimate objects with human emotions and thoughts.

Dialogue is the almost exclusive driver of this story, with the eleven steps representing different personalities and points of view.

This story will entertain you and also plant some deeper food for thought.
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Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: E | (4.5)
"If I'd Known How to Save a Life," by NJames, is the third of a trilogy I was asked to review.

The first poem was about wishes, their power, and their impact. The second poem was a beautiful series of images and sensory impressions. This poem, as suggested by its title, expresses self-regret at the narrator's failure to recognize and assuage negative feelings of another, which feelings led to dire consequences.

The self-recriminations expressed in this poem are natural and to be expected. They are not, however, helpful. No one will ever know if the narrator could have made a difference in the life of the poor depressed person who suffered. Whether she could have or not, she was not at fault for what happened. The consequences of depression are not attributable to loved ones.

These three poems, taken together, reflect thoughtfulness, sensitivity to other persons and the environment, and great range of feeling and artistic expression Someone asked a fine poet if he ever wished he could write like Maya Angelou. "Write that way?" he replied, "I just wish I could feel that way."

NJames is a poet with keen and sensitive feelings and she knows how to write about them.101
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Review of A Day Spent  
Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: E | (5.0)
One definition of poetry is "beautiful words." While that might not fit all poetry, it aptly defines "A Day Spent" by NJames. This free verse, unburdened by the strictures of rhyme and meter, unfolds with one beautiful image after another.

I neither looked for nor saw any underlying lesson, message, warning, or command. I just read the poem, silently and aloud, and wallowed around in the beauty of its expression. There are phrases that must eminate from some unique insight or appreciation that I don't have. Or, rather, that I have, but only when awakened by expressions like these.

Feeling down? This poem is a day brightener.

Doug Rainbow
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Review of Ah, What Wishes!  
Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Ah, What Wishes!" by NJames examines the power of a wish.

Wishes, for NJames, encompass dreams as wishes during sleep. She is a big thinker, with references to explorers, warriors, philosophers, and inventors. These noble contributors started with wishes and somehow translated those wishes into action and action, in turn, into results.

The poet finds both humility and inspiration in her reflections on the grand wishes of history and the more prosaic wishes of ordinary folks.

In the end, perhaps our wishes distinguish us from other animals and make the difference between humans and other creatures. This is a good thought provoking piece that will stick with me for some time.
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Review of Old Friends  
Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: E | (5.0)
NJames contributes some wonderful reflections on friendship in her poem, "Old Friends."

She nudges the contradictions of friendship with gentle observations. Friendships are transitory and yet permanent. As we regret separations from old friends, we welcome opportunities to make new friends. Friends are associated with stages of life, e.g., college, and new stages produce new casts of friends. Friendships are also linked to geography, and yet the emotional ties of friendship follow us from place to place.

Ms. James says all of this, and more, in an indirect fashion -- with illustrations and not essay type declarative sentences.

Ms. James's use of rhyme and meter masterfully reinforce the themes of the poem. The rhyme is often slant rhyme and is anything but forced: on/along, few/soon, and ties/life, for example. Creative. Artistic. The meter, too, keeps the poem flowing along pleasantly but the meter serves the poem, not the other way around.When it is convenient, or natural, or better to slightly alter the metric formula, Ms. James goes ahead and does it her way.

If I taught a poetry class, this would be on the required reading list.
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Review of The Thread Box  
Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: E | (4.5)
LinnAnn posts "The Thread Box," a sensitive andwarm tribute to family heirlooms and what they mean to those who keep and participate in the tradition.

The thread box, literally, contains sewing artifacts mothers, grandmothers, and great-grandmothers used to coplete their sewn creations. No doubt, sewing assumed an important place in the lives of this family. Mothers sewed garments for their daughters and mended damaged clothing. The box contained the resources used to perform care-giving activity. Someone thought the tools of caregiving, perhaps along with the values, should be passed along, mother to daughter, through the generations.

Yes, the box contained threads of various color and texture to be put to practical use. It also contained threads of a different type: threads of tradition, threads of duty to family, threads of caring.

The box, however, missed a generation. The narrator found, not her mother's tread box, but her grandmother's box. The mother left the narrator when the narrator was only three years old. The mother did not fully participate in the rearing of her daughter nor in the traditions and values the box represents. But the box lived on, waiting in repose, to welcome its own unlocking by the narrator only too willing to resume the eirloom traditions and to pass them to her own daughter when the time comes.

The writing generally serves this piece well. It is objective, sparse, and clean. I only wish the author would take pains to avoid a rether persistent use of forms of the verb "to be" often used together with a gerund verb form. This sucks some of the life from the account.

I do not do line-by-line edits. In this case, however, I took the liberty to re-write he first paragraph, only, to illustrate the point about use of passive verbs. May I?

As written: I entered grandma’s small one bedroom apartment, feeling somewhat like an intruder. I could almost feel her spirit. I was thinking of walking out when I saw it, the old trunk. One of it’s keys had been inserted into the lock and it’s match was hanging by a small cotton string. It’s brass corners were darkened with tarnish. I knelt in front of it, turned the key and slowly opened the black lid. The faint musty smell of age and memories tickled my nose. The paper lining was yellow and amber from the passing of time.

As re-written: As I entered grandma's small, one bedroom apartment, I felt somewhat like an intruder. I could almost feel her spirit. I thought of walking out when I saw the old trunk. One of matching keys protruded out of the lock. Its match hung by a small cotton string. Tarnish darkened the brass corners of the trunk. I knelt in front of it, turned the key, and slowly opened the black lid. The faint musty smell of age and memories tickled my nose. The passage of time had changed the paper lining to shades of yellow and amber.
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Review of A Job I So Need  
Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: E | (4.0)
Tim Chiu posts "A Job I So Need."

This piece reflects the angst of these economic times. The threat of unemployment produces, for this poet, an insecurity and tension that rivals the feelings of those who have lost their jobs.

Mr. Chiu touches on the emotions associated with economic insecurity: frustration, helplessness, and dependence. He also writes of a loss of self esteem generated by inability to constructively cope with the problem.

He seeks solace from God and inventories some of his own resources as possible responses to downsizing.

Structurally we have four quattrains with an A-B-B-A rather inventive rhyme pattern, using plenty of slant rhyme. I was not able to pick up a consistent metric pattern. Perhaps Mr. Chiu elected not to risk clearer meter and take the risk of a jingle-line sing-song pattern to this serious subject.
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Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Just an Ordinary Jyo conributes a 54 word story, "Commercial Transaction." My gues is that this little gem was an est entry in one of those 55 word limit contestsaf.

This piece might serve as Exhibit A in the case for caution about your preconceptions before all of the facts are in. The piece is a fine one and well worth reading.

I have one little nit to pick. The following sentence appears in the story: "Money always changed hands, but needs must." This language actually forms two complete sentences separated by the conjunction,"but." The problem is that in the second clause the verb "must" is a transitive verb, i.e., a verb that must take an object. Here it does not have the requisite object. Needs must . . . what?

When you only have 55 words with which to work, they had better all be perfect. These were close, but "no cigar."
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Review of Jack Meet Sophie  
Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
"Jack Meet Sophie," by Hanram, presents as an exceptionally strong idea for a story. Hanram executes the piece with unusual creativity. The scene of an accident and its immediate aftermath provides the setting, interrupted by some flashbacks,

This rich environment produces a story marred by a lack of clarity. At the outset the tale comes to us from the point of view of Emma, an aspiring actress and the driver of one of the cars. Without notice, we experience a change in the point of view. Or are we? Now we get a history and commentary on the state of the relationship between Sophie and Jack, people in the other car. If our informant is still Emma, how could she possibly know all this? What, exactly, is Emma's relationship to Jack? And where is her own policeman "Prince Charming" in all of this? This reviewer read the short piece several times and, try as I might, I was not able to answer basic questions about the plot.


My suggestions are to either stick with one point of view or, if that is not possible, clearly signal the change in POV. When writing in a POV stay witnin it. Do not attribute knowledge to a narrator that he/she would not have. The story could be quite powerful with a little work to enhance reader understanding.
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Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dayo Moarzjasac shares "The Grass is Much Greener."

Mr. Moarzjasac uses rhyme from time to time, but not in any pattern I recognize. Meter, too, follows no consistent pattern of either syllable count or emphasis. Nontheless, the poem is quite pleasing to the ear when read aloud and the poet has managed to impose a nice rhythmic cadence.

The message repeats the tried and true mantra: the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. The poet creates some nice images to reinforce the message. At line 11 we read of a "She" who "pokes in the fragments of the years that have passed ." The reference is obscure. Does "she" refer to the present, to our memories, to travel and new experiences? Cases could be made for each of these, and perhaps the poet intends just that.
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Review of Wounded Times  
Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: E | (3.5)






Wounded Times

From within the great mysteries of this world,
We find in ourselves something greater than we could have ever imagined.
Because it is in our hearts
Where we find that even the deepest and darkest of holes
Are nothing more than shades of black that can be washed away
By the sense of passion that flows within our vains.

Darkness, however, is not to be taken lightly
For it is darkness
That forces us to bury our innocent in the soil of our sins.
Fear not change
For in the end it will be what restores peace to a world consumed by the sickness of mankind.
[end]

There. I took the liberty of de-prosing and poetizing the piece by phoenixalex. The only thing I did was break it into lines. It isn't perfect, but now qualifies at least as a work in progress.
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Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: E | (4.5)
Mitch favors us with "There is No Place Like Home."

This suspenseful short piece has the reader wondering about this odd setting from the outset. Tension builds nicely over the course of the story until Mitch achieves satisfying resolution. I will not reveal the setting, the essence of this story, but rather allow the reader to make his/her own discovery.

There are a few uses of gerund form verbs to steal a little of the life from the story. Once Mitch writes of a moment "past" when I think he probably means that the moment "passed." You wouldn't catch that on your spell checker, at least not mine.

This is a well-crafted story and a joy to read.

Doug
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Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: E | (5.0)
First, thank you for the recognition and the points. I am always gratified when I receive intelligent recognition for anything I do, whether writing or reviewing.

Your group strikes me as the most erudite and articulate group I have seen assembled here at WDC and I applaud your principles and goals. You have, I am sure, primary influence for the warm and collegial culture here at WDC.

I have stated several places that my review style and approach varies from what I consider to be the "official" stance here at WDC. The official posture, as I view it, is that reviews, including public reviews, are primarily for the benefit of the author. My view is that public reviews, in fact every item posted on WDC's public pages,should be for the benefit (the entertainment, guidance, edification) of the readership. Anonymous, or private reviews, should be for the author.

Reviews pitched to the readership also have great interest and value to the authors. This is not, strictly, an either-or proposition. While I would not do any line-by-line edits in a public review, certain comments on grammar or syntax are in bounds and may be part of the "story" of the piece reviewed.

I recognize that my position on public reviewing represents a minority position. That does not mean it is wrong. I hope to work constructively with WDC any way I can to advance the cause of readability and readership friendliness in public reviews. I am not interested in disruption or any conflict and I respect the views of colleagues who do not share my review style and approach.

Doug Rainbow
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Review of First Kiss  
Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Mitch challenges himself with a classic sonnet, "First Kiss." He rises to the challenge quite well, thank you.

It is all there, the fourteen lines consisting of three quattrains and a couplet, the A-B-A-B rhyme pattern with the couplet ending in A-A. Mitch keeps the iambic pentameter going nicely, even incorporrating into it a five syllable and a four syllable word. I don't recall Shakeseare ever using enjambment, and he might turn over in his graveif he saw it, but, hey, why not? Mitch doesit nicely, again not forgetting to pace along his iambic pentameter like a metronome.

The subject of the poem is the effect of a first kiss. I guess I don't remember my own first kiss as being quite thatt dramatic. In fact, I can't say that I remember it at all. Was it Karen? Was it Sally? Excuse me, I digress. Anyway, this is poetry and some hyperbole is perfectly alright. If I don't recall the glories Mitch recites, t least he makes me wish I had memories like that.

This is a nice descriptive poem and packaged superbly as a classic sonnet.
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Review of Augie  
Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Ali shares a captivatingchildren's story, "Augie."

The bond between children and their pets is an intense blend of affection, protection, and loyalty. These concepts work well for adults, too, but Ali knows how they are magnified in children and uses this to good advantage in "Augie."

Wasting no words Ali establishes the rather poignant placement of Augie as Billy's pet. Almost instantly Billy and Augie forge a strong bond.

But Augie has a backstory. The pet seller knew, but did not disclose, the abuse of Augie and his brothers and sisters and the death of the siblings.

Billy saw the plight of one of Augie's siblings in a dream. Some extraordimary communication sparked beween Augie and Billie, who then raced to try to rescue the sibling. Read this tale yourself to see how they fared in this rescue attempt.

This story is generally quite good. The tension, not presented in the classic front-loaded fashion, is nonetheless palpable and vivid. The broadly drawn characters work well without being nuanced. I felt only a litttle cheated that the pet seller seemed to believe all of the puppies except Augie perished when, in fact, one lived to survive.
The literary value of this surprise survival is probably worth the slight feeling of deception.

Like most good children's lterature, this story says something to adults as well. The message is that compassion for the weak may reap big rewards and that loyalty and protective instincts are worthy traits.
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Review of REPOSE  
Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: E | (5.0)
N James posts "Repose," a nicely structured poem of six quattrains with a steady and pleasing meter and A-B-C-B rhyme pattern.

The title, "Repose," provides some irony, suggesting calm, rest, or even the sleep of death. Notwithstanding the title, the narrator of this poem very actively seeks goals on the journey of life's river. The poem mentions hope and freedom three times each, and also refers to joy and love.

A river serves as a metaphor for life as a journey, and this one is shadowed, grey, and cold. The narrator has experienced loss, disappointment, and grief. And still the narratorr seeks fulfillment. She looks for a bird, symbol of new life since Noah dispatched the dove on his ark to report the receding floods. The poet seeks a bend in the river, a cchange in the course of her life, at the same time she recognizes that her hopes may again be doomed to a "journey back into darkness."

"Repose" cites the elements of risk, loss, and disappointment in hope, freedom, joy, and love. Whether she embraces the pain associated with failed hope might be debatable, but at least she accepts the risk of a bad outcome for the chance of a successful voyage. The idealism of the continued struggle for fulfillment against known odds borders on Quixotic Still, there is that hope of a bend in the river ad the rewrdsit may yet provide.

The poet skillfully packages a thoughtful and original message.
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Review of Black Coffee  
Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: E | (1.5)
Haevynne Blake contributes "Black Coffee."

This piece explores the dynamics of the failure of a mother and father to successfully adjust to the death of their child. The action of the story is the gradual deterioration of the parents' relationship which, in the end, compounds the tragedy of their loss.

The omniscient third-party narrator provides insight into the psyches of both the father and the mother. Blake narrates the story with appealing economy of language in her spare style.

This story could be improved by reducing the sentence fragments and eliminating the comma splices. Blake writes, "The night before when he was at work at the steel mill. Spending long nights working hard for countless years until a week ago." The piece uses several of hese sentence fragments, i.e., subjects without predicates. An accomplished author might ignore the rules of grammar intentionally and to good effect for dramatic variation. But Blake uses fragments too frequently and they are robbed of any dramatic effect.

Likewise, there are too many comma splices. A comma splice is the use of a comma to separate two or more thoughts, each of which is, alone, a complete sentence. Blake writes, "She didn’t know where she’d go but the bus station was a short walk away from the old farm house, leaving would be too easy with the hours he worked." She should have a period after "house" and a capital L on "leaving."

These easily correctible lapses distract the reader and interfere with emotionally connecting to the piece. Such errors remind the reader that he/she is reading something here, and that it is not quite right. Without these oversights the story would have been quite absorbing.
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Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Designsbykris offers "The Fate of Elizabeth," a nice piece of fantasy from Purgatory. Elizabeth, the narrator, asks us, the readers to cast our ballots to determine her fate. But first she offers her defense, and that is the essence of the story.

Designsbykris demonstrates fine potential. She already has the vivid imagination and a crisp, direct economy of style which will serve her well.

To improve her work she might do well to direct her attention to three matters: (1) Sentence structure; (2) Comma splices; and (3) weak or passive verb forms.

A complete sentence has a subject and a predicate, sometimes referred to as a noun and a verb. I believe that Designbykris knows this and usually follows the grammatical norm of writing in complete sentences. Some authors deliberately ignore this rule and sentence fragments serve them well. In my opinion Designbykriss overuses the device of sentence fragments and passes off strings of nouns without any verbs as sentences. The sentence fragment loses its impact as a dramatic variance in style when it is used too often.

A comma splice is the combination of two thoughts, each of which should stand alone as a sentence, separated only by a comma. "Here is my testimony, make of it as you wish" is an early example, and I could site more. That should be; "Here is my testimony. Make of it as you wish."

The third item is excessive use of weak or passive verbs. Forms of the verb "to be" (is, am, are, were, etc.) and gerund forms (verb forms that end in "ing") represent passive, or "weak" writing. There is no rule that authors must not use such verbs and they are not technically incorrect. Many writers and discerning readers feel, though, that such passive or weak verbs lack the power and punch of their more active counterparts. May I take the liberty of showing a paragraph from this piece and re-writing it more actively? Thank you.

Designsbykris wrote: "I was guided to these young girls almost by a third eye. My first kill felt almost trance like. I was guided there by a GPS inside my mind. I crawled in through her bedroom window while she was sleeping, much like a suitor might do."

More actively, it might read: "A third eye almost guided me to these young girls. My first kill felt almost like a trance. A GPS inside my mind guided me there. I crawled in through her bedroom window, much like a suitor, while she slept.

These points can be addressed rather easily and will almost certainly produce a stronger and more readable piece.
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Review of Old Bedroom  
Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: E | (5.0)
Readers sometimes ask, "What is a vignette?" They might want to read Jamminbales's "Old Bedroom" as an example.

The author never tells the reader, directly, that this is the bedroom of a person who has died. He says so indirectly, however, while describing the room.

The overriding descriptive term is "cold." The term cold appears in three of the four short paragraphs. No one heats the room because its occupant is gone and is not coming back. The cold of the room calls to mind the coldness of death. The temperature of the room becomes as great a part of its profile as the contents and physical appearance.

The second primary descriptor os "bare." The walls are almost bare and te floor is almost bare. This barren room, where once a person lived, is now barren of life.

I sometimes complain when writers use "weak" verbs, the passive voice, and gerund (ending in "ing") forms of verbs. Jamminabale writes that way in this piece. I began trying some sample re-writes to illustrate the difference between stronger, more active verbs and the "to be" and gerunds used here. The more active verbs pepped up the piece, alright, but diminished its quality of a hushed and, yes, cold memorial to a deceased person. This piece represents a good example of writing enhanced by these "weak" verbs and I credit Jamminabale for writing that way.

Congratulations to Jamminabale for sharing an effective and memorable description.
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Review of Come Unto Me  
Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Discovered poetry" is the art of finding poetry where it was not intended as such. One might find poetry in a novel or short story, a magazine article, or even in advertising copy. The art is in recognizing the poetic quality of such language, making appropriate line and stanza breaks, and presenting it accordingly. It can be quite effective.

Such is the case where Lovingly presents "Come Unto Me," a Biblical passage about God and Moses. I am not sure how much of this is taken verbatim from a Bible. My translation slightly differs, but I suspect that much, or even all, of this contribution comes directly from a biblical translation. Whether it is lifted verbatim is unimportant. This contribution gets the meaning of the passage and conveys it to the reader in a powerful way.
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Review of Tragic Language  
Review by Doug Rainbow
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
An anger borne of frustration runs through "Tragic Language," by Gunther Purdue, WDC, 2011.

Mr. Purdue sets out a series of events to make, or at least to illustrate, his point that language makes a poor refuge for processing problems. As the poet observes his mothing writing a note to another English teacher he wonders when she began "scribbling" fluently. The "scribbling" implies haste, carelessness, and imprecision. "Fluent scribbling" might be oxymoronic. This reference is likely an indictment of his mother's use of language. The source and cause of the poet's discomfort with this is not readily apparent.

Then the poet remembers "Aunt Nita," also teacher, who died of cancer as her words were reduced to nonsense. Thus we have a second unsatisfactory experience with language.

The reference to a prayer "by the Will of Arthur" is obscure. There is no explanation and no clue as to who Arthur is or why the prayer is in his name and not in God's. The poem suggests that his antipathy to language is so great that he wishes to die "without so many words."

The poem references a son's eulogy to his mother (Aunt Nita?) and agreees that 60 years -- or 90 years -- are not enough.

Theen we reach the vinal stanza, a cryptic revelation by "an angel of the gospel" when all they (the men of the world?) understand are words.

Mr. Purdue gives us plenty to think about and several unanswered questions. This poem is not for fans of "easy" poetry. The reader will have to work to get it, and even that might not be enough. Nonetheless the poem has a certain ethereal quality and points to some essential failure of words and language to address serious concerns. Authors, of all people, should be aware of Purdue's viewpoint and confront his message.
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