There's a different tone in this poem than the rest of your portfolio, but I like it for its seasonal charm. I think your telling tales is very good, and the ghostly dismissal at the end was interesting. This work seems like something from Eddie Murphy's "Haunted Mansion," and I don't know if that's what you intended. If it is, you've hit the nail on the head, because it's awesome. If you were aiming for the gothicism of your other works, you definitely missed the mark.
It's an interesting concept to view silence as violence, but in many respects it's true. If you say nothing at all, that's still saying something. Taking no side, is still a side. There's no feasible way to not have an opinion on a matter, because doing nothing is still something.
This! I like your gothic styled telling of a modern romance lost. It's interesting to see nouns like "movies" brought into such a traditionally stylized poem, but you've done it quite masterfully. My only issue with this work is how you sometimes keep up a rhyme scheme, but then drop it at any line, which can throw off a reader (as it did me). Otherwise, a good poem. Elephant memory is plain as day in this work.
I'm not sure if you meant for it to be such a gasping read, but the lack of periods threw me off a bit, up until you finally used one in "And sharing one heartbeat." This poem doesn't seem to connect with me as much as some of your other works. The lack of stops makes it a bit rushed feeling.
I think you hit the point of that time in life where birthdays really stop being something looked forward to and instead something to be surprised at seeing. You used rather traditional prose in this work and that's something that isn't as common anymore, making me like this a lot. I like the ticking meter used. A++ work!
I absolutely love it! Having never really had a "childhood" home (moved too much), I feel like this completely carries the emotion felt of having such a domicile. I love the small stanzas for how they seem to move the reader from room to room and memory to memory before shutting the door for all parties involved.
I like your tale, but I feel like once you get to the dialogue it's a bit flat. You switch verb tenses quite a bit, and that was a bit confusing as I had to repeat a few lines to figure out what was happening. Darius, as a character, seems one way at the beginning, and then completely different at the end. I'm not sure his dialogue reflects the person he is on the inside, especially given that the reader has access to his thoughts. Maybe if it were longer, the reader could see a more rounded character, but as it stands, he just completely 180s what his archetype is.
Overall though, it was a good tale, I liked the action and the struggle with the fight. I myself have trouble writing fight scenes, so it was good to read a very well written one.
I'm a fan of gothic literature, and the darkness you've written gives light to the genre. My only real confusion is whether the speaker is "caressing" an actual person or has fallen in love with the night itself. The thing about your tale that I like the most is it's almost blank verse with the final lines of each stanza creating the rhyme scheme.
I liked your switch from hopefulness to almost apathetic acknowledgement of truths. The first and last stanzas were what stood out to me the most. The first for its use of passive voice and the last for its active. You handled that switch well. I think your main issue, if you want to call it that, would be the lack of a strong attachment to reality in your final stanzas. It never really ends with a strong realization, only the a 'perhaps.'
It seemed to me that the feeling most portrayed in your poem, is what one feels upon waking up, staring at your wall as your mind tries to catch up on where you are. A hopefulness of returning to someplace you might have been while that wall keeps you in the present; that it's the wall and not your choices that have made this reality real.
I think your poem properly explains the sentiments felt when one breaks it off with a person close to them. You seemed to better understand your own feelings after that first stanza, which to me, seemed rather rough and too much like familiar song lyrics. The final stanza was possibly my favourite for its hopeful yet realistic realizations. The relationship must be ended, but perhaps someday both parties might come back in a semblance the same relationship again.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 2:53pm on May 14, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "