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802 Public Reviews Given
1,384 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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26
26
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Idea*When you have people fill this out, you ask for (Same Place) and such. Instead of doing that, use the same numbered blank more than once when you write the story. *Smile*

The only other problem I noticed is that you asked for a place, but in the story, put "the" in front of it. I put "Buffalo, NY" so it shows as "the Buffalo, NY"... not quite right.

Other than that, this was amusing. *Smile*
27
27
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This looks great! I think I signed up right.
You don't mention: is there a limit to the number of people who can participate?
And, is there a certain value you are looking for in the gifts? (A minimum? A range? A maximum?) Is there anything you *don't* want? I am interested i donating, but want to know the 'rules' first! *Wink* *Smile*

I hope this runs smoothly! *Smile*
I am adding a link here: "Invalid Item"  .
28
28
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Why I Am Reading This:
I saw this listed on the "Read a Newbie" page. It looked interesting, so I had to stop by.

Welcome to the site! It looks like you've just jumped right in!

Before Reading:
Choose a couple more genres for this. That will create more exposure. After reading, I will try to remember to give you some suggestions.

During/After Reading:
Which bounces and bounces away with ease.
No need to repeat bounces. It throws off the rhythm and just sounds repeated, not emphasized or anything.
(After reading through a few more times, I realize you are actually saying two different things. Consider changing the wording a bit if you wish to continue doing this. I think it would work best with only one due to the rhythm.)

Then the Shredded turkey
You don't needed to capitalize the S. (You have a couple other words through this where you do the same: Lettuce, Party, Bartender.)
The stanza with this line doesn't flow well due to the difference in the number of syllables.

Rolling like it was having a heart attack.
To keep with the same tense, was should be is.

I pluck a banana, out from the fridge
"out from the fridge" is a strange phrase. Try either "out of" or "from". Also you don't need the comma.
The stanza this line is in throws off the rhythm again because it has 4 lines instead of 3.

Your punctuation is a bit sporadic. There are times you end lines with punctuation and times you don't. Consistency would be helpful.

Why do you end this with "End"? We can clearly see there is no more *Wink*

I love the lightness of this. It was fun to read and made me giggle a few times. My favorite part was the first time you mentioned Coke. *Smile*

Genre Suggestions (listed alphabetically): Entertainment, Food/Cooking, Home/Garden,

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29
29
Rated: E | (2.0)
Why I Am Reading This:
kittiara has submitted your portfolio (directed towards this item) for a clue on "Invalid Item"  . With this, she included the message: "Dear Rob, hope you enjoy the attention! *hugz* Kit"

Before Reading:
Capitalize the first letter of each word in your title.

You don't need a space before the period (or maybe you call it 'full-stop'?) in your brief description (or anywhere else, for that matter.)

Great to see you have 3 genres and chose a static-item sub-type (poetry.) This helps people to find your piece.

As an overview, your set-up looks great with the spaces between 'stanzas'. This makes it easier to read through, especially being slightly longer of a poem.

During/After Reading:
One day I met a purple faery , please dont ask me how
The comma would work better as a semi-colon, period, or perhaps a dash. (I see you have this mistake through your piece. Use a comma when you are in the middle of a sentence. Use a period or semi-colon to separate two full thoughts.)
You don't need a space before your punctuation (here or in any other place in your poem - you have done that often.)
You forgot the apostrophe in don't.

She's shy and sweet and pure and true, no kiss and tells allow
Instead of just having and and and, consider one of these:
*Use commas instead of the first two ands.
*Or use a comma instead of the second and (creating two 'sets')
"kiss and tells" might work better hyphenated.
I think allow would sound better 'allowed.'

What is she doing near this pond, this pond of fish today
Don't forget the question mark.

I didn't want her to get hurt, It's like a Lion's den
You don't need to capitalize lion. (In the next line, you probably don't need to capitalize human, either... unless you have a specific reason for this.)

I felt I wanted to guide her, guide her out of this wood
You don't need "I felt". It would be stronger without.

As I approached she said to me, dont worry I'm not lost
Use quotation marks to show what was said. (If you need help, just ask.)
Again, you left out the apostrophe. There are a few other places in the poem where you've done this. I will let you find them.

In the next line, you need to capitalize Earth and change it to Earth's. (To show that the warming 'belongs to' the earth.)

I wanted to make all things right , and people not to stare
"and people not to stare" doesn't fit. Here's a suggestion: I wanted to make all things right, make people cease their stares.

And with that warmth she did unfold, her wings that did arise
"she did" is a weak way to say that. Consider "she unfolded"
There are other places where you use "did ____". Avoid that to make a stronger piece. *Smile*

You really changed tenses through this. Part is in past tense (met, thought, didn't want, etc) and part is in present tense (she's, doing, I'm here). Consistency will help!!

All the grammar, etc aside... you really wrote an adorable piece that has great potential. It really made me smile.

If you change anything, let me know and I will take a look again.

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30
30
Review of The Chanters  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Why I Am Reading This:
*Star*I found this on the Review Request page. Your brief description interested me, as it is a topic I am drawn to.

Before Reading:
*Bullet*You don't need a period at the end of your title.
*Idea*Also, you probably want your title to be "The Chanters" (meaning more than one chanter.) (Glancing at the item body, this error is made throughout as well.)

*Bullet*In your brief description, you should not capitalize 'woman'.

*Bullet*Try to select a third genre for this - it'll help get more exposure. After reading, I will try to remember to give you suggestions.

*Bullet*You asked for help with WritingML. I'm not sure exactly what you want done to your piece, but all the information about WritingML can be found by opening the "Site Tools" menu (on the left hand side of the screen, near the top) and choosing "WritingML Help". To view this, you need to be allowing pop-ups. If you still have questions after looking at that, let me know what you are struggling with. *Smile*

During/After Reading:
~~PUNCTUATION~~
*Bullet*You asked for help on punctuation. I will do my best to be of assistance.
Since I believe in helping someone learn why changes need to be made (instead of just showing WHERE the changes need to be made), I will try to give you a general overview of the most common mistakes you made. If you still struggle afterwards, you can ask me to go over this like I did your other item.

Let's look at your first stanza:
The darkness seizes my mind and The Chanter's begin
To come out from the shadows they hide within
The Chanter's take hold of my very soul
Once again I have lost control
*Idea*Try reading this out loud to see where a pause is needed (or where a sentence would end if written as a paragraph.)
Looking at things that way, add a period at the end of the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th lines.

*Star*Great job at the punctuation regarding the quotations in the second stanza. *Smile*

*Idea*When deciding between a comma and a period (or semi-colon) --especially in the middle of a line-- ask yourself if the two parts separated by punctuation are full statements. If they are, use a period or semi-colon. If they are not, use a comma.
Here's one example: "I am not crazy, This cannot be
In this example, they are two full thoughts, so you should use a period or semi-colon instead of the comma. (Another note on comma usage: After using a comma, do not use a capital letter. If you are ending a line with a comma and choose to capitalize each line in your poem, you can use a capital there.)

~~OTHER~~
In your first stanza: The Chanter's take hold of my very soul
*Idea*"very soul" is a strange phrase. You don't need the word very.

*Bullet*In your last line, you have the word "too" where it should be "to." (too means 'also')

*Star*I enjoyed the message in this poem. It was sad, yet also comedic. Great job! Thanks for sharing. *Smile*

Genre Suggestions (Listed Alphabetically): Biographical, Comedy, Experience, Horror/Scary, Psychology

*Right*If you change anything in this, let me know and I will be happy to look at it again. *Smile*
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31
31
Review of Make Me Blush!  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Why I Am Reading This:
I was looking at your port and saw this in your featured items. Piqued my interest!

Before Reading:
Use your brief description to lure in a reader. Maybe write your best line or describe what you're doing in the poem. What would make YOU want to read it?

Set a static item sub-type (probably poetry) and genres for this. I will try to remember to suggest genres after reading.

During/After Reading:
I expected your challenge to actually make your reader blush... and am sort of disappointed that it wasn't the case. Even so, you wrote a great poem here.

One thing I'm curious about is why you chose an exclamation mark at the end.

Also, I'd like to see a bit more to this. You didn't quit quench my thirst. hehe

Otherwise, you did quite well. My favorite part is the first two lines in your second stanza.

Genre Suggestions (alphabetically listed): Adult, Biographical, Emotional, Experience, Fantasy, Friendship, Personal, Relationship, Romance/Love, Spiritual

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32
32
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Why I Am Reading This:
This review is for you doing so well on the challenge you made to yourself in my party. *Smile*

I chose this one because I liked the title.

Before Reading:
Say something different in your brief description, instead of basically repeating your title. Maybe use your favorite line?

There is a large space at the end of this, before the review box. Is this intentional?

I love that you used colors. *Smile*

Consider using a few more genres to gain a little more exposure. After reading, I will try to remember to give you some suggestions on this.

During/After Reading:
Forgiven a word I wish came easily,
This line tripped me up a bit. Maybe it would help to put a dash after forgiven. Or a colon.

The "Do I really know you?" lines at the end of each stanza didn't fit very well (rhythmically). I think it would flow better if that line was only used at the end of the poem. That, of course, is only my opinion.

If you change anything in this, let me know and I'll be happy to look it over again and possible re-rate or re-review.

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33
33
Review of Emelie  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Why I Am Reading This:
I am judging the "Writing Contest" entries to "Invalid Item" . Good luck!

Before Reading:
Everything looks to be set up nicely.

During/After Reading:
Consider using ML (italics, maybe) where Emelie is thinking of the past.

She would never be able to tell anyone that in the solace of her room, she would pretend she was a Queen.
The comma should probably be a semi-colon.

I really liked how this ended. I found myself grinning.

Even though this wasn't very long, I felt a connection with the character. Good job at that -- judging is going to be difficult! whew!

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34
34
Review of Thoughts On Me  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Why I Am Reading This:
I am judging the "Writing Contest" entries to last week's party. Good luck!

Before Reading:
Use your brief description to pull a potential reader into your piece. Maybe after your poem you can ask "Did this format work?" and also include that you hadn't written for a while, if you wish.
Instead, maybe choose your favorite line to fill this spot... or another way to make your poem sound interesting.

I like the look of this format. I'll let you know how I feel about it after I read.
Great use of ML.

During/After Reading:
I'm having a hard time telling exactly what's going on here. I have a couple ideas, but none seem to exactly fit.

Also, the feel of this is very inconsistent. The first two stanzas on the left feel 'light' and wondrous. The last one is very direct and down.... and feels like it is being directed to someone else (than the first two)
There is also a disconnect (but a much more palatable one) from the left to the right. It is difficult, though, that there isn't really a rhythm to this. Stanzas have different numbers of lines. Lines have varied numbers of syllables.

My favorite part is your first stanza... especially with it being contrasted with the next one (on the right)

If you change anything, let me know. I'll be happy to look it over and possibly re-rate or re-review.

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35
35
Rated: E | (4.5)
Why I Am Reading This:
~*~Damiana Returned~*~ entered this into the last round of "Invalid Item"  . Good luck!

Before Reading:
Nice to see PopNotes in this. They're not used nearly enough *Wink* around the site.

I like the different colors.

During/After Reading:
Your descriptions through this are beautiful. You bring me to awe in the beauty of such simple things.

You did a great job at capturing Walt Whitman... and living up to the high standards I've come to know in your work.

Thank you for sharing the beauty here.
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36
36
Review of The Mirror  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Why I Am Reading This:
I found this searching the word "mirror", as an item on the main page got me interested in seeing what people say about mirror-focused writings.

Before Reading:
I like your title/brief description combination here.

Try to use one more genre to possibly get a bit more exposure for this. After reading, I will try to give a few suggestions (if I remember.)

During/After Reading:
The nightmares are coming when she lies in her bed.
Consider breaking this line after coming to make it fit in with the rest of the poem.

Her stories been told.
I believe you mean to say that her story has been told... so story's, not stories.

Consider making new stanzas the second and third times you write "Who is this woman?"

This line tripped me up a bit: And turns away and cries.
The part I'm having trouble with is and being used twice. Maybe "She turns away and cries." would work better?

Will peace ever come?
She silently asks.
Use quotation marks around the part she's asking.

I really enjoyed this poem. The struggles are pretty clear... and the ending wasn't what I expected. I especially the the combination of the last two lines.

Genre Suggestions (listed alphabetically): Adult, Biographical, Experience, Personal, Psychology

If you change anything, let me know. I'll be willing to look it over again.

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37
37
Rated: E | (2.0)
Why I Am Reading This:
After mis-claiming that I reviewed something of yours, here I am actually doing it *Wink*

Before Reading:
Consider changing your brief description a bit. Maybe use your favorite line.

The extra space between each line looks like it is going to be a bit distracting, breaking this apart.

During/After Reading:
Its like magic of which I don`t understand
This line doesn't feel quite right. "magic of which" is the strange part.
Maybe "It's like magic that I can't understand." would be better... but still that doesn't quite seem to capture your message at its best.
"It's a magic I can't comprehend." maybe?
I'll let this play over in my head for a little bit. If I come up with something else, I'll add it to the review or email you.

Also, be sure to include an apostrophe in it's when you are writing the contraction "it is"

I went to different predicaments in life
to should probably be through
And it might sound slightly better with "in life" taken out of the end.
Add a colon at the end of the line to show that what follows are the "predicaments"

But it seems harder each time I thought of it
You change your tense in this line (seems, thought)

Life!! what is life about? I ask myself
Capitalize what. Put the spoken (or thought, as in other lines) words in quotation marks.

You decide on which part you want, either on the right, left or on the equilibrum
To flow better, remove "on"
Change the comma after want to a colon

How was this realization happened upon? You skip over that part... and that might be the most interesting part of it all.

Of which I believe is the best portion of life
Your meaning here is not very clear. Maybe "I believe this is..."
And, beyond that WHAT is the best "portion of life"? That isn't clear, either.

Reading through this, it doesn't have a feeling of poetry. It has more a feeling of a monologue.

You have some good ideas here. Expand upon them more, though. Use words to make your reader wonder and feel with you. Show us the beauty instead of only telling us it is there. Go a little deeper!

Let me know if you change anything; I'd be willing to look at it again if you do.

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38
38
Rated: E | (3.5)
Why I Am Reading This:
You asked for this to be read.

Before Reading:
I like your title - very interesting.

Your brief description would probably do better if altered. Maybe select your favorite line of the poem or find another way to draw your reader in.

Great at assigning a genre to this. So get a little more exposure, select a few more. After reading, I'll try to give you a few suggestions.

During/After Reading:
With no warning waves crash against the garden
For added clarity, consider a comma after warning. (But then, if you do that, you probably would need to add punctuation elsewhere as well. There are other parts that would be clarified by this, though.
On that note, you have a period at the end of the last line of the first stanza, but nowhere else.)

Followed by agony as i wonder in hoplessness
You missed an e in hopelessness.
Capitalize the I.
"wonder in hopelessness" just doesn't feel right to me. Maybe "as I wonder, hopeless" or "as I hopelessly wonder"

The worst is yet to come as the clouds decend
You missed the s in descend. (For future reference, there is a Spell Check feature available on Writing.Com.)

I like how you added your own view to this comparison with growth. I don't think I've seen it done quite this way before, especially with the last line. (That last line is my favorite of the whole poem, by the way. It really makes me stop and think, as I haven't heard that before.) Before that part, though, it starts to feel like the same thing I've written and heard before. Maybe start to bring the idea you touch on in the end, the miracle, etc in a bit earlier.

Keep on writing, though. If you change anything to this, let me know. I'll be happy to look it over again.

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39
39
Review of The Magic Stone  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Why I Am Reading This:
I saw this on the Public Review page and thought the title was interesting.

Before Reading:
Thanks for putting spaces between paragraphs. Makes reading easier.

Title and brief description look good.

During/After Reading:
Of all the places to loose his magic stone
Lose instead of loose.

At about the half-way point:
Although subtly, I find emotions creeping up on me. I feel sorry for this boy, overwhelmed with the father. I'm not really sure how you did it, but it is kinda neat to not be whacked upside the head with emotion... but instead feel it build as I read.

What do I say to Him? Do I lie to him and tell him his Mommy has it.
Do you really mean for Him to be capitalized here? Similar words aren't capitalized through this story.
And you need a comma after the second statement.

Mommy has it.” His young voice was filled with enthusiasm.
The period in the quotation marks should be a comma, making His be lowercased.

Reaching the end:
Wow! That was the perfect ending to this story.
I'm so glad I read through this. After the first few sentences, I almost decided not to read it; I'm glad I continued.

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40
40
Rated: E | (2.0)
Why I Am Reading This:
Angela's Niece needs Praye entered this item in the last round of "Invalid Item"  . Good luck!

Before Reading:
I like that you added pictures to this. Makes it more interesting.

During/After Reading:
In your first paragraph, you write "Literally." Well, that would mean that 60 seconds before it was needed, you got the tree. I doubt that is your meaning. You also wrote "In more ways than one." That probably isn't needed, especially if you are going to describe them in the story.

Even after they really found out who she was (remember “Roach”?), they didn’t change their attitude.
The paragraph beginning with that line sounds very awkward. I'm not sure what you're talking about in it.

The pictures seem to be unnecessary in this, probably. Do the people pictured know that they are up?

Also, this really ends without a story line... or maybe still in the middle of the story.

If you change anything, let me know and I'll look it over again.


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41
41
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a great poem. I love the sensuality of it - very juicy!

There was one part that I felt could be improved, though:
Tumbles sensual juices
Tumbles doesn't quite have the same feel as the rest of the poem.

If you change it, let me know. I'd love to see what you come up with.
42
42
Review of Dessert  
Rated: E | (4.5)
You made my mouth water with this. What's with all the ice cream talk lately?!

The only thing that caught me up was the "through the glass" part. Do you mean it is in a display case? Or maybe you just mean it is in a glass dish? (That would make sense.)

Anyway, good luck in the contest (if that is what you wrote this for.)
43
43
Rated: E | (5.0)
Why I Am Reading This:
You reviewed a piece of mine and I am returning the favor.

Before Reading:
You may want to remove the second half of your brief description.

During/After Reading:
This was awesome. I love how you started with the line from your friend's father - it really added to this.

The length was perfect and I felt you gave just the right amount of detail in each section.

My favorite part is the second paragraph.

Keep on writing!

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44
44
Review of The Heir  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Why I Am Reading This:
I am judging the entries from the last round of "Invalid Item" . Good luck!

Before Reading:
I like your brief description. *Smile*

Use more genres... and make sure your first one is something other than "Other." After reading, I will try to give you additional genre suggestions.

During/After Reading:
Your third paragraph does an awful lot of telling about Sibyl's past and friends. It would be more reader-friendly if that information wasn't all lumped together and came more naturally.

Reading through this, I really don't have many comments. It was an enjoyable story... but I felt something was missing. Maybe the missing is the potential to connect with Sibyl. I felt more could be done to really feel her struggle through the story. Other than that, things were really good.
Keep writing!

Genre Suggestions (Listed Alphabetically): Business, Death, Family

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45
45
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Why I Am Reading This:
I am judging the entries to the last round of "Invalid Item" . Good luck!

Before Reading:
Great to see this set up with 3 genres and an interesting brief description. *Smile*

During/After Reading:
It's said this is good writing weather
but I can't bear that out
I'm getting lost in your words here. What do you mean? Why is it sad that it is good writing weather? Or is it sad that it is good writing weather but you don't like it anyway? Or, am I completely not getting it? (I think the last one is the case.) Whatever the case may be, you may want to write this a little clearer.

Great to see the ending to this!

I love how you brought the metaphors from the beginning back in the end of this. It really tied this up nicely.

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46
Review of The Poetry Weeper  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Why I Am Reading This:
I'm judging the last round of "Invalid Item" . Good luck!

Before Reading:
Your brief description sounds awkward with the word affected being used twice.

During/After Reading:
You did a great job writing this!

This is my favorite line: the poetry weeper,
It really makes a neat image!

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47
47
Review of Revlon Bluebottle  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Why I Am Reading This:
I chose to review this after seeing it posted on the Review Request board.

Before Reading:
Your brief description really interests me. Can't wait to read!

During/After Reading:
You wrote: Vague enough to ask the soul's shape through an empty milk glass.
What do you mean here?

I enjoyed your descriptions through this... but am left wondering what it REALLY is about.

Also, you state that this is from the view of a fly... but the story continues after the fly leaves the room, so who is really telling the story?

If you change anything, let me know. I'll be happy to review it again.

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48
48
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Why I Am Reading This:
I am reading through your piece to place your plug on "Invalid Item" , making sure the answers are clear to me.

Before Reading:
Everything looks like it is set up right: genres, item sub-type, spaces between paragraphs, etc.

During/After Reading:
*Frown* How sad: I couldn’t embarrass my father any longer.

*Bullet*To the point mentioned above, this story seems very unbelievable. There just seems to be too many 'over the top' incidents... but even so, I am enjoying what I'm reading.

*Star*A few paragraphs later, it become all the more clear that it is supposed to be over-the-top and not about something that could truly happen... and that's okay *Smile* I'm glad I'm reading this, as I normally would turn away after seeing it's length.

You wrote an interesting story, kept me with you most of the way. The end, though, I felt could be improved upon. The dialogue just didn't capture me as the rest did.


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49
49
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is beautiful.

The only thing that distracted me is the capitalization, as it wasn't the same all the way through.
50
50
Review of Silence  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Why I Am Reading This:
I'm giving you a return-review for a review you gave me.

*StaR*I chose this piece because I wonder what it will be about and am in the mood for children's poetry.

Before Reading:
It looks like you have the set-up nicely.

During/After Reading:
This could be described so much more captivatingly than "Childrens Poem" as it can be read so much deeper than just that. I enjoyed what I read here. Thanks for sharing.

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