You do not need punctuation at the end of every line. Only use commas when they are needed.
You are very descriptive in this poem. I especially liked stanzas 1 and 5.
I noticed when reading though, that after the great descriptions in stanza 1, the second stanza seemed almost plain.
Keep on writing and good job winning first place in that contest. Good luck in "Invalid Item"
A quick suggestion: You may wish to put a note saying that it was first in my port. Otherwise the Tigger/Gymnast option is a little strange to be on your poll.
And an interesting little fact:
This item is older than your port. That's kinda cool!
The use of two colors is proving to be disrupting the flow of your poem for me. I find myself emphasizing the colored words instead of letting the emphasis lie where is should. If this was a rule of the contest you wrote this piece for, it's understandable. Otherwise, I'd encourage you to italicize the words instead.
Capitalize the looking in the first line of this.
String and paper flying
As tiny fingers hold
Toys with all their promise
Of hours of fun to behold I believe "promise" here should be "promises".
Is there a reason some stanzas are separted with double lines and others with single lines?
Has falteringly just begun This line doesn't flow like the rest of the poem/stanza does. Consider changing "falteringly"
Yet though I’m old
I’m happy, happy that I can
Even after years, remember
The child inside of a man This stanza was a bit awkward.
All in all this in an interesting poem. I enjoyed reading it. The rhymes used seem quite natural for the piece. Most of the piece flows well. The only spots that didn't are noted above.
I don't understand the "Nurse Hatchett" reference... could you please explain?
13 -- “For nine months I have shared space with this being we shared my very breathe.
breathe should be breath.
As I write this comment, I'm about 1/3 of the way done reading this item. I'm glad that pcombs pointed it out to me as I otherwise would not have looked at it or would have opened it and been scared away by the length.
22 -- He was a linebacker on the football team with his 6’4” frame and 200 pounds he was a force to be reckoned with.
This line is a bit awkward.
but how do you describe your heart is being ripped out right through your soul.
I liked this description.
28 -- Marie no longer cared if she spoke out loud she was so weary she only wanted this moment to last forever and be over soon.
This should be 2 sentences.
-- “I hope your parents hearts are as full of joy as mine is pain.
parents should be parents'
31 - He called her a tigress, and taunted her that he loved the fact she had finally found some fight it made things more interesting
This should be separated into another sentence (or use a semi-colon) after "fight."
35 -- start this paragraph with quotation marks as its a new paragraph in the middle of a spoken part.
40 -- Marie started to blubber again her heart was so heavy.
This should be 2 sentences She couldn’t breath, she felt as if every breathe
Switch breath and breathe.
I'm really enjoying getting to know Marie. What a sad life, though.
One from the end -- You switched tenses here, speaking in the present instead of the past.
You're hosting a great contest here! An entrant posted a link to your contest along with their entry on scroll today and I checked both out and am very glad that I did so. I will probably be back occasionally to review some of the entries.
May you continue to have success with this far into the future!
This is a wonderful piece with tons of valuable links.
Thank you for taking the time to compile this list (and thanks for including "Invalid Item" .)
There is one error that I noticed while reading through this. The last line says "I will be adding more, as I find more or am ask" I belive you wish to change "am ask" to "am asked" or "am asked to"
I really like the ending of this. It is an interesting way to portray God. Great job at thinking outside the box... or feeling outside the bos, whichever it may be.
Keep on writing.
Thank you for entering this in my contest -- good luck!
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I was reading through this and by the time I was half-way through, I started to think "tell people what TO do, not just what NOT to do"... and was going to write that as a suggestion. But, then I finished reading and saw that you did just that!
Great job!
I really enjoyed this, Kitt!
Good luck -- in life and in my contest
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In my opinion, many times perfect rhyme can take away from a poem, but in this one it adds to it. That is probably because of the rhyme scheme you used.
Keep writing!
Good luck in my contest!
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In the first paragraph: She was getting used to this life – it was artistic, she thought, to have half of everything.
To make this correct, "s should be used around the thought words as in "it was artistic," she thought, "to have half of everything."
In the secong paragraph: And he loved her back.
Technically, sentences should not begin with the word "and." Consider combining this with the sentence before.
She hated the way he looked, the way he dressed, and even the way he was breathing was enough to set her off yelling and crying and throwing things at the wall.
My suggested change:
She hated the way he looked and the way he dressed. Even the way he breathed was enough to set her off yelling, crying, and throwing things at the wall.
The house finally fell down, on a windy day.
The comma here is not needed.
They will live like this till one of them dies.
Till should be 'till.
General Impression She loved him so much, that eventually there was no love left.
This is an thought-provoking point of view...
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You don't need a comma after royalty and I could suggest changing the comma at the end to a dash.
You may wish to consider breaking this into stanzas, though it also works as it is.
Is there a reason some stanzas are separted with double lines and others with single lines?
I don't understand the "Nurse Hatchett" reference... could you please explain?
13 -- “For nine months I have shared space with this being we shared my very breathe. 
sad
.)
This made me unexpectantly chuckle.