 REMEMBER: Anything I say here is my opinion. But YOU are the write, so do with my words what you wish!
I will be reviewing this piece as I read it and then also giving you my general sense of the piece after I read through it. So, bear with me if this review starts to get a bit lengthy.
My Thoughts As I Read...
 The first line starts the piece very strongly! Great job!
 She raised her hands, the skies opened up, and the young man was swept up by a tornado.
Although this sentence does its job, I think you can better it by being more descriptive of what it was like for the young man to be swept up by the tornado. There can be some powerful imagery there. Tap into it.
Reading on to the next line, I see you described the tornado a little more, but still this isn't what I meant.
She laughed loudly as everything returned back to normal.
 What is "normal" in this case? Instead of saying that it returned to normal, you may wish to describe *what* happened.
Soon, he was back to his old self, and a little bit confused.
I don't think the word "and" is needed here.
He breathed a sigh of relief, as he gathered his sword up, and started walking back toward his house.
It's great to see punctuation being used in a piece, but I believe you over-used commas here. I don't think any commas are needed in this sentence, actually. (Again, remember these are just MY opinions.)
Also, it would flow better to say "gathered up his sword" (as opposed to "gathered his sword up.") On second thought, "gathering" is usually done on more than one thing. So, I'm not sure if you can gather just a sword.
He swung his sword toward them as another guy snuck up behind him and knocked him over the head.
 "Him" and "he" are used too often in this piece and particularly in this sentence. Try varying this by using nouns to describe the other characters. Maybe give the main character a name and use that sometime. If you don't want to give him a name you can use "the man."
He held his hands over his face as he felt a cool rage take over.
A "cool" rage? In my experience, anger brings with it a warming of the skin. I can be wrong and there may be certain situations where rage brings coolness. Or, are you conveying something different here?
Soon, all that was left was a fiery skeleton. The men shook in fright as the "creature" stared at them with hatred,burning deep within his skeletal eyes.
Why is the word creature in quotation marks. This is the second time it was written this way in the piece.
 This is the seond time you stated that the body was a "fiery skeleton." It may improve the writing if you can think of another phrase to use in its place one of these times.
It slowed time down as it pulled out a shiny gold sword with human heads etched into the handle.
I find myself wondering if he had this sword all along. If so, why wasn't it used before. Even if he was peace-loving before this "transformation", the sword could have been used as a warning type of thing, even if not used to harm the men.
It surveyed the man lying unconscious on the ground as it started walking towards him.
What is "it"?
It made it's way over to the man as it raised it's sword above it's head,suddenly the sound of gun fire rang out as 6 hunters took turns shooting at the"creature".
This "creature" is the man that started off the story, correct?
Add a space after "the" and before creature.
they shook their heads as they sighed.
Don't forget capitalization!
The"creature"made it's way inside a cave as it sat down to rest,the feeling of rage was beginning to subside as the"creature"started to transform back into human form.
This should really be two sentences. If you wish to keep it one sentence, separate the two parts with a semi-colon.
Gerrus Macade was once one of King Feralix's Red Knights he fought bravely to protect the king but soon found himself in over his head.
This should also be two sentences.
Gerrus refused and continued to see Jasmina's daughter anyways,Jasmina finally had enough of their insolence and placed a wicked curse on Gerrus.
I don't believe you need the "s" on anyways.
Also, this again should be two sentences (instead of a comma.)
The beginning of this piece is starting to make sense. At least, I think it is.
You may wish to change one of the "G" names as it can get a little confusing to have a story with two characters with names starting with the same letter.
He shook his head as he tried to get all the images out of his head,he ran out of the cave screaming as Jasmina appeared before him.
Again, two sentences.
Gerrus looked at her with hatred as he replied"Why would I thank you sorceress if it hadn't have been for you I'd still be normal!"
My suggestions for punctuation/word usage:
Gerrus looked at her with hatred as he replied, "Why would I thank you, Sorceress? If it wasn't for you, I'd still be normal!"
"You actually want to be normal like everyone else? how pathetic!"
Capitalize the "h" in how.
He drew his sword as he ran at her with all his might,Jasmina blocked his attacks as she shot him with bolts of electricity.
Again this is two complete thoughts and needs to be broken into two sentences.
Gerrus tried to move but it was no use the boulder was much too large for him to move,he sighed a little as he thought about his life.
"no use" is the end of an idea. "to move" is the end of another idea. So separate these with periods of semi-colons.
Gerrus closed his eyes as he felt a cold rage coarse throughout his body,his eyes turned to flames as his skin began to melt off again.
Since you've already used the phrase "cold rage" to describe the sensation, maybe you can try something else here. Otherwise, it sounds very repetitive.
Jasmina tried to teleport but the boulder knocked her to the ground,she tried to shoot fire at the skeleton but to no avail as the skeleton grabbed her by the throat.
Where the comma is, there should be a period instead.
Jasmina wiped the dirt off her dress as she stared at the skeleton with a look of disgust
It seems like there'd be more recoup needed than wiping off dirt.
Soon the skeleton creature was gone and Gerrus was back to normal,he stared at his reflection in the water as he remembered the look of fear in Gabriella's eyes.
She was the only thing in his life that had meant something to him and he had lost her,he stared up at the sky as he thought about how dramatically his life had changed.
Again, the commas should be periods.
He closed his eyes as he felt something sharp touch him,he jumped up as 3 men grabbed him by the arms and knocked him to the ground
Spell out the number three instead of writing it as a numeral.
I'm not pointing out the run-on sentences anymore... I've pointed enough out that you can probably find some more on your own. Also, the description of the skeleton/melting skin is used again in the story. Again, this would benefit from a variation in word usage. ((If you need help in understanding run-ons, let me know... I'll do my best to help you with that.))
You have the word "Skeleton" capitalized a few times in here. It needn't be.
They were running in Slow-motion while the Skeleton was still at full speed
Slow-motion doesn't need to be hypentaed or capitalized.
He flew to the caves in the far east of the forest, as he entered the caves and bowed his head"Did you find him?"
Who's "he" here?
General Reaction:
This could use a looking over to correct repeated run-ons, capitalization errors, and over-used phrases.
The idea of the story was interested, but the writing of it tended to be confusing at times. Using more names and less pronouns may help with this.
I hope this review doesn't sound rude. I really don't mean it to be. I just wanted to review honestly. |
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reading on, I see this get cleared up.
)
