I like the suspense of the story. You provided the readers with a good hook that ought to catch their attention and keep them reading. My only problem is with the ending. I think it begs the question, leaving the many questions unanswered. In my opion, you have written the first quarter of a potentially good story. I prefer to have the author answer the question of why it seemed to be haunted.
Hank
Author of "A Spoonful of Humor" (see Amazon.com)
I like this questionaire because it passes on information that could be of value to the users who keep posting material. As an example, it tells me that if I don't have many reviews, I might benefit by taking the hint and working on my material a little bit more.
My first thought upon finishing your prologue was "Why do you have a prologue in the first place?" The entire opening contains material that could be slipped into the various chapters in little bits instead of one major chunk. However, I do admit that I am more of a short story reader than a reader of novels so you might want to ignore my comments.
My second thought is that you might catch more readers by slipping in a little foreshadowing here and there in order to hook the reader. This prologue starts off pretty slow, providing lots of setting and mood development with little or no suspense.
I like the style and the descriptions. However, I'd still like to see a little action.
That was a beautiful poem of love everlasting. May we always appreciate the gifts God has given us, and enjoy them to our fullest. My wife and I are among the lucky ones in that we still have each other even though be are both octogenarians. C'est la vie.
BTW, thanks for the award for "Trick or Treat?". It is surely appreciated.
Congratulations on your retirement. I "retired" decades ago and spend most of my time at tthe computer writing -- although I do use the exercise room a few times a week. They say that we can write better if we keep in shape and our apartment's exercise room provides me that outlet.
Lots of luck with the book. I'm getting mine ready, too.
Thanks for the quiet trip down memory lane. The two graveyards I remeber the best go back a few years. I was particularly impressed by the regimented tombstones where Custer's troops were burried after their demise at Custer's last stand. The second was the graveyard where lovers met on the outskirts of Tallahassee.
However, if anyone said boo, I'm sure most of us would have run for cover.
Catcher? Not me. I wanted to be a pitcher like Dizzy Dean or Babe Ruth. However, I did know a couple of big league catchers when they were still in the 9th grade. Have you ever heard of Bud Malone? I think he played for either the White Sox or Washington or both. We went to Junior High together.
Your free-verse poem seems to have a nice flow and beat. However, it seems rather vague to me to the point that I don't know what the purpose of the poem is or what you are trying to say.
I am probably a tough judge and others might love the poem because of its flow. I, however, prefer to see a clearer message -- but don't let that discourage you. I have a very thick skull and often fail to see the obvious.
You wrote a nice vignette here, leaving most of the story to the reader to draw conclusions from the clues that you left along the way. To me, it seemed a little fragmented with large gaps left to the readers imagination. I'm not sure that I completely understand it but I assume:
The girl had an IQ of about 40.
She was raped.
She was totally dependent on the bishop.
The bishop was arranging for a very crude abortion.
If I am right, then I think you accomplished your objective. However, the vignette seemed rather fragmented.
The ending seemed to say: "Here's what happened. Now you try to figure out what happened next."
Characterization: Good.
Plot: Incomplete.
Setting: Fair.
Theme: Not clear.
Ending: Not very satisfying.
I am again impressed by your hand at poetry. I think that you have painted very good word pictures with this piece -- and from what I gather from Rebecca's posts, that is one of the major objectives of these free verse poems.
Your poem reminds me of trips we took by the 9 hole golf course when I still lived in Denver. Those ducks do put on a show, don't they?
Thank you for this emotional poem of an autistic child who must go through live unable to communicate with the world around him or her. My first son could very well have been autistic. We will never know for sure. He lived but a few days and died in the hospital. We often wonder: "What if ...?"
I think that this is a very emotional and altruistic plea for the world to come to its senses. I think that it would really help this proposal if the author got into more specifics. Generalities tend to be the easy way out. Specifics are somewhat more controversial and much harder to come up with. However, this is just one man's opinion.
I consider this to be an excellent piece of writing. The blue pill was a nice hook at the early part of the story -- it drew me into the plot with a big question mark.
I thought that the characterization was also excellent. I could almost see the pov and the sister-in-law.
My only suggestion is to work on the first transition where the focus shifts from the cops to the kids. It seemed a little rough (abrupt) to me.
I never had the problem of having enough grey hair to worry about. I started losing mine too early in life. Now, my biggest problem is: "Will the driver in the oncoming car get blinded by the reflection of his headlights off of my chrome dome."
Grey hair is something to cherish and be proud of.
You asked for feedback so I have a few suggestions.
First, your poem is a downer and most people have enough problems in their lives that they don't need a downer to drag them down.
Second, 3.5 is supposed to be average. Do you consider your work to be well above average?
Third, you have an unusual format for a poem. You might consider studying a few published poems for format -- or join one of the poetry sites within writing.com. Look for the way that others break their poems into lines and stanzas. That might help.
Thanks for the beautiful poem. It was very sentimaneal and something that the recipient is sure to cherish.
My only suggestion is that you could make the poem a little bit smoother. I'm far from being an authority on the subject, but it seems to me that the meter is a little inconsistent.
I have been getting from points from the Review Mixer ever since I joined Writing.com. Now I have a little better idea about what they are doing and why they are doing it. Thanks for taking the time to bring old duffers like me up to date.
I try to find somthing good in everything that I read. Most of the time, I succeed. Some times I don't. C'est la vie. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This is an interesting poem. I think that it contais lots of symbolism although quite a bit of it goes over my head. Am I just a little bit thick, or is it intended to have many hidden meanings?
It seems to me that you are working with an experimental form of poetry. Good luck with your experimentation.
I think that you have a smooth flowing poem. However, I do have a single suggestion. Have you thought of making your setting more specific? Are you talking about death itself? Or about death in Iraq? Or possibly death faced by those soldiers who fought in the Civil War?
I have one minor suggestion to your RAOK community. In my humble opinion, it would be nice to have the "Invitation to Join" ROAK explain how the ROAK community works. Is it primarily a plea for more gift points so that they can advance their cause? Or does it have other functions like helping writers improve their writing?
You called this piece the prologue. However, it seems more like it is the first chapter of the story. I think that it is well written and I was not able to find any major flaws.
Your ending of the chapter provided an excellent hook. Did he die? If so, why was his killer so gentle at the very end?
This seems to be a well written chapter. I think that I am having a problem, though, since I seem to have started reading something in the middle and not the beginning.
However, you might want to do something to tie in the relationships between Fox and the other pov. I also suggest that you add a hook at the end of the chapter to encourage the readers to quickly move on to the next chapter.
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