I liked this piece very much -- partly because it helped me understand the English dating scene and partly because it reminded me of when I was dating. My own exposure, however, was a few decades ago.
I had but one problem with the piece. I thought that the ending was a little weak as though you didn't finish the story, you just stopped when you were tired of writing.
I think that you made some good arguments for your cause. It seems to me that a large number of people are convinced that their personal religion is the only true religion and their beliefs are the only true beliefs.
In my opinion, beliefs are personal. It is not up to me to judge since my own beliefs might not pass the test of time.
Therefore, I say: "Vaya con Dios." After all, most of believe in God -- whether we have anything else in common or not.
This is the best story that I have seen here on writing.com. I feel sure that it will sell if the following chapters are as good as the first one was. I'm a pretty good nit picker but I couldn't find anything to complain about.
By the way, we stayed on the edge of Kings Cross when we were in Sidney. My, what an interesting area. They had more weirdos than I've been able to find in any of my other travels. They also had a wonderful French restaurant near our hotel that had the best French Toast I've ever tasted. Yum!
This short short was quite interesting as far as it went. I thought that it might have been expanded on, but, on the other hand, you would no longer have a short-short if you expanded it very much.
Oddly enough, the story reminded me of my own experience with smoking. I tried to break in a pipe in one night. My "fun" stopped when I got light in the head, dropped the pipe in the tin can by my bunk, and passed out for the night. That event saved me from becoming addicted. I quit then and there.
You wrote a very emotional piece about a highly charged subject. I liked the way you handled the gay, HIV situation although you did tend to lose focus from time to time.
In my opinion, you didn't do a good job of tying in the "requirements" of the contest. It looked to me as they were merely added on with scotch tape.
That was a very tender poem that you wrote about you and your older sister. It is real interesting how we often grow closer to our siblings when we grow older. I was the youngest kid in the family -- but I was never able to torment either my sister or my brother. However, we did grow closer with time. Now, I'm the only one left. C'est la vie.
I consider this piece to be excellent fantasy and almost ready for publication. However, I do have a few suggestions:
1. There was a real large info dump in the early part of the story. It did set the mood for the story, even though it seemed to drag. I suggest making the info dump shorter and supply the information where it will be used in the plot.
2. Was she a college professor? I seem to have missed out on the part where her vocation was discussed. Apparently she did some sort of teaching.
I think that you have done a good job of mastering your own technobabble. However, I think that you could improve the story by a little more foreshadowing.
I think that your last paragraph was the type of foreshadowing I'm talking about but I, for one, would like to see a little more foreshadowing throughout the first chapter as well as a little more background on the various species that you are developing as part of the story.
Congratulations on writing such a nice, upbeat poem. I always prefer the positive over the negative although some negative poems do sell. You have outstanding productivity in your writing -- although your listed poems do seem to have been written over time and not in one day.
You had produced an interesting piece of free verse. In some ways it's a downer whereas I am one critic that has a strong preference for humor and the lighter side of life. However, that is just me. Many editors like emotional pieces like this much more than I do. Many also have a strong preference for free verse over rhyming poetry. C'est la vie.
I loved the first segment of this chapter. It showed the elements of excellent science fiction. However, I became confused as I continued to read. The subsequent segments of the story seemed rather disjointed. They didn't seem to relate until I got to the last segment where they started to make sense.
I suggest working on the transitions from segment to segment so that the reader can see that they relate.
I thought that you had a great hook at the end of the story. I have the feeling that anyone getting past the first chapter will find it to be a real page burner.
I believe that the start of this story sounds like a stream of conscienceness piece written by a looney. That was probably your intention.
The piece does tend to hook me into wanting to read more with all of its dark-side foreshadowing. It does seem a little disjointed but that might be ok assuming that I understand what you are trying to do.
I think that your project is very interesting. However, I wonder why you don't have an imbedded link for getting from this page to the web site where you have your complete pitch.
It also surprises me to note that you folks are a little more mature than most "talent agents" I have heard about. I keep hearing that Hollywood has little or no interest in working with people over 40. Are you folks the exception? I am definitely over 40.
It seems to me that this was intended to be a song as well as a poem since you keep repeating the chorus. I find it emotional and moody which can be either good or bad.
My main suggestion would be that I think it would help to be a little more precise about the rhyming. In my opinion, you stretch poetic license a little more than is comfortable for me as a reader.
I think that you did a pretty good job of painting a word picture of Death Valley. I camped out there during spring break many decades ago.
As for the pov, however, I wasn't impressed. Maybe I'm a little too sheltered to appreciate a pov who was as nasty and mean as the one in this story. He sounded cruder and meaner than my First Sergeant back in Sebring. What were his redeeming qualities? Or are you waiting for the last chapter before you tell us? If that is your approach, you'll lose most of your readers before they get that far.
I thought that your article was very interesting and informative. I have but one suggestion: You might consider changing the title. In my opinion, it just doesn't fit the article. This suggestion might seem to be minor and not worth working on. However, the title of an article is the first thing that catches an editors attention. Titles are as important as the first paragraph of the piece.
That was a beautiful and emotional tribute to Meghan. May her soul rest in piece.
It is a pity that so many babies die young. However, leukemiatakes the young as well as the old. It took my father many years ago back when he was fairly recently retired.
Our hearts go out to all of those brought down by that relentless disease.
You wrote a very interesting "closing" scene. It has a good hook, making the reader want to read more. The main problem is that you didn't give the reader anything more to read.
Your description of your mission strikes home. You are fighting a war that ranks somewhere between WW II and the unfortunate Viets.
During WW II, we were lucky. We had very solid support from the civilians. Let us hope that those on the home front continue to to support you and appreciate what you are doing for them.
This is another piece that might find a home in the nostalgia section of a mid-western magazine -- preferably one that was published in Wisconsin. I would suggest sending it out to a couple of those editors. If it bounces without comment, I suggest dividing it up into two or three different articles. Many publications tend to want word counts below 1000 words and some of them prefer counts around 500. Writer's Market can supply you with additional detail.
I like your nostalgia piece. It reminds me of the week I spent on my grandmother's farm in Pennsylvania. Grandma Emma didn't have any inside plumbing either. I was lucky, however. We made the trip during the summer when we could venture to the outhouse without freezing any of our more vital parts.
If you are interested in trying to market this piece, you might go to Writer's Market and go through the nostalgia section. Some of those country magazines might be interested in publishing it. There are fewer and fewer of us oldsters who lived in the days of outhouses and hand-pumped water.
You wrote a very caring and emotional story about John. I am sure that he has seen or felt it from far above and appreciated the love and care that you gave him.
I have but one suggestion. Early in the piece, you changed the pov without starting a new paragraph. This might have been a typo and it might have been unintentional -- but editors can get mighty picky.
You do a great job painting vivid word pictures. That seems to be your main talent. Keep working on it. It pays to work on one's strengths as well as one's weaknesses.
My main suggestion is that I would appreciate your work more if it were smoother. One approach would be to try and have the same number of syllables on each line -- or at least close to the same number.
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