With all that help from your dreams, you should never have writer's block -- so it seems. You are lucky there, but so am I too. As my favorite saying goes:
The only writer's block I get
Is when my honey wants to pet.
My one suggestion would be to try and work on your beat. I prefer to see rhymed poetry with a more consistent line length.
I thought that you had written a nice character sketch and the individuals in the story seemed very interesting. My suggestions are:
1. I thought that your transition from home, back to the battlefield, was rather abrupt.
2. The story didn't seem to involve a frontline situation. When on the front lines, I'd expect the players to be more alert to the dangers involved. However, I was never sent to the front so I can't speak from experience.
3. I was wondering whether you were writing a character sketch or vignette -- or a short story. If it was intended to be a short sotry, I thought that the plot was pretty weak.
You do a great job of developing characters. If you aren't already published, I expect that you will be in the near future. Keep hanging in there.
You wrote a very interesting poem. It seems to have a touch of haiku although it doesn't meet the more common syllable count. Was this intended to actually be haiku, or free verse, or some variant? I have finally learned that there are many forms of haiku but I haven't mastered very few of them. C'est la vie.
I really liked your mood setting poem -- especially the last two lines. You seem to have mastered the art of free verse -- a type of poetry that I have never fully understood, even though I read the work of Robinson Jeffers when I was still in college.
I really like that last line -- let's take it nice and slow. Those who jump in where fools fear to tread are destined to find out that fools are't so dumb after all.
I have to admit that being lonely can be the pits at times, but jumping in too quickly can be a disaster.
I think that you have done quite well for a first draft. In my opinion, you have treated the subject very well. My suggestions are:
1. I think it would help to clarify the reasoning for your avoiding the support group.
2. I would like to know more about the side effects of the medicines and why you think they didn't work other than weight gain.
I know of one bipolar man who is not able to work because of the illness but he has been a very good house-husband.
My limited exposure to bipolar people brings out one major point, however. Never quit using the medicine. If it isn't working, work with your doctor and get it changed. If your relationship with the doc isn't working, get a new doctor.
I thought that the story started out quite well and then lapsed into an awful lot of technobabble. If technobabble is OK for Star Trek, I guess it is OK for this piece also -- although I think it was a little overdone.
I also suggest being a little more careful with runon sentences like the one that started: "A nonhuman ..."
I also thought that the story dragged in the middle.
If Alienskin is still being published online, you might see if they would be interested in buying the story. It might possibly fly there.
This is an interesting "mood piece" poem using a geometrical pattern. As far as mood pieces go, I think it does what it was intended to do. However, it does look a little like a haiku variant where the reader is encouraged to add his own finishing touches to the piece.
Good old haiku
Not really for me
But maybe for you.
You chose to write this poem in free verse which is probably the correct technique to use. However, I don't quite feel the terror that the boy must feel. So much of the poem is left unsaid. I would not have appreciated the poem's intent nor felt the terror of the child had I not read the explanation before reading the poem. The poem must stand on its own two feet if it is to accomplish the task that I think you intend it to accomplish.
Thanks for your comments on my last review. I find this poem quite different from the last. I assume that it is intended to be a memorial to Mrs. King. I an sure that her relatives and followers would take pleasure in reading it.
I am impressed by the number of poems you have had published.
You have just succeeded in making a national treasure out of the zucchini. Great work. I really do hope that you start submitting more and more of your humor to those magazines or newspapers who are interested in humor.
Do you use Writer's Market when looking for editors willing to buy good humor? I have used them extensively and have even made a few sales that way.
Your essay reminds me of my dozing in church, only to be awakened by a unique idea that lead to my writing one of my best short stories. Relaxation paid off.
I think that you have a very good essay here and it really strikes home. However, since I am a confirmed nit picker, I have a few suggestions that you might want to consider.
1. Consider breaking up some of your longer paragraphs. For example, you might want to start a new paragraph at: "I realized a few months ago ..."
2. You might also consider starting a new paragraph at: "My other grandfather..."
I like to see more white space. Maybe you don't. It is just a matter of choice.
I was really impressed by your poetry. It had a very nice meter as well as good rhyme. Of course I am a little bit biased since I have a strong preference for rhyme over free-verse. It seems to me that free-verse lacks something that rhymes have going for them. On the other hand, I did like the work of Robinson Jeffers. C'est la vie.
I think your poem has a nice flow to it -- and you used rhyme instead of free verse, which is great. My only suggestion would be that I had a little trouble with the attempt to rhyme arms and harm. Do you think that you could find another way to phrase it? Or have you tried and tried and then gave up?
You seem to be dedicated to free verse -- or at least with this poem. I think this one has a nice flow and it does tell a nice story without wasting too many words or rephrasing the same thought over and over again as many writers tend to do.
I loved your essay. It reminded me of the time I took Business Law and the teacher kept talking too fast for me. In order to slow him down, I would raise my hand and ask for clarification on one of his statements. That always slowed him down. However, he thought that I cheated when I aced his final. He just couldn't understand how such a dumb kid who asked so many questions could do so well on a quiz.
Thanks for the insight into one of the younger generations. I was born into a period when rebellion usually resulted in a unplanned trip to the woodshed. Now, rebellion seems to be as common as driving to school in a Lincoln Contenintal.
I was the rebel of my family. Still, I have a hard time understanding rebels of your generation. I guess the pendulum continues to swing.
Thanks for the insight.
By the way, you write very well. Congratulations on an excellent story.
You speak convincingly of angels watching over little Faith and I tend to agree with you. When I look back on my long life, I have concluded that there were many times when "someone up there" must have been looking over me. That is particularly true when I've done stupid things that could have given me horrible problems -- but didn't.
Perhaps we are all blessed. Some of us accept the blessings. Some don't.
I thought that this was a very nice impressionistic piece -- a mood setter. I could visualize what was going on, which is good. Many writers have difficulty creating such clear word pictures.
Was it part of a larger effort? To me, it sounded like an introduction to a short story although it didn't go far enough to form a clear plot.
As they say in writing class -- "write, write, write."
A life lost can often lead to a life saved. I, for one, really support the practice of using spare parts from those leaving this world and entering another. After all, I'm sure that whatever gods that be will be happy to replace the parts that were given -- assuming that we'll need them when we give up the ghost.
You have an impressive site here. I'd like to join but I don't think that I am eligible. I was a member of the U. S. Army Air Force, and that organization does not exist any more. They became detached from the army and went off on their own. They even built their own monument somewhere near Monument, Colorado.
I think that your poem is good enough to sell if you can find the right publication. I hope you will send it in. It deserves the attention of one of those editors looking for appropriate season's greetings.
Do you sell many of your poems? If you haven't tried, you should.
Having gone through fifteen marriages myself, I conclude that you have let one or two minor experiences warp your emotional status.
My last marriage has been blissful. It cost me the price of the license and it cost my wife the price of a suit. The suit was functional and she has worn it for years.
In my humble opinion, those who spend thousands of dollars on a marriage need to set their priorities straight. Those who spend their time and money getting to know each other before marriage are a much wiser lot.
Marriage can be inexpensive but blissful. Whether it turns out that way or not depends on the participants.
C'est la vie.
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