This poem misses the mark for me. I know what the message is, but it has several places that don't read well to me. (I did like the alliteration in the lines at the end of stanza two.)
Hoping even a rigid rock
will imitate the intentions
of my flag,
>>>>> What does this mean? Confusing.
A show of mercy
its tenderness,
>>>>> Awkward. Punctuation?
This poem tries hard but left me uncertain of the meaning of several lines.
First of all, let me comment on the content. The message here is wonderful. You deliver your message well.
Secondly, let me comment on the technical aspects of the writing. This leaves a lot to be desired. Here are some suggestions for you to consider:
Through An Angel(')s Eyes
I see majestic beauty all around[,](.)
[h](H)is grand design leaves one astound.
>>> Whenever refering to God, capitalize He, His, Master, etc.
>>> 'leaves one astound' makes no sense. It would have to be 'leaves one astounded', which wouldn't rhyme with 'around'. It needs to be reworked into something on the order of: His grand design does astound.
the masters face.>>>the Master's
of [h](H)is love abounding,
Such abundance awaits you,
more than I can express[,](.)
I bid you to come[, ](;)my message is clear[,](.)
[t](T)o those who are weary(,) [eternities](eternity is) near.
Heaven(')s splendor awaits you[, ](;)your spirit will rise[,](.)
[r](R)emember you heard it through this angel(')s eyes.
If you clean up the writing technically, this will be an excellent poem.
I really liked this! You told an interesting story while presenting a song based upon the story itself. It held my interest throughout. It is quite well-written. I have only a few things I can suggest for your consideration:
There are some run-on sentences that could use a comma:
caressed the strings(,) and a melancholy chord echoed
his eyes popped open(,) and he stared out
neighboring tables(,) and he knew she was taking note
Where had time taken her? Was she happy with someone else? Or was she alone somewhere, longing for him as he longed for her?
>>>If he now has it made and still loves Beth so, why would he not have her looked up (by a detective if necessary) to see if she was still available? It would be better for the story perhaps if he knew for certain she had moved on and was happy with another man, perhaps with children by now.
This was a thoroughly enjoyable look at your childhood winters in Maine. It is quite well-written, and it held my interest throughout. Being a southerner, it is hard for me to imagine that much snow! You seem to have quite fond memories of your childhood and that comes through strongly. This is a nice piece of writing!
I did find some things for your consideration:
My [D](d)ad's parents lived there, Dad was raised there, and I
>>>>> Either Dad's parents OR my dad's parents
we discovered our Pastor had >>> pastor
It took my [D](d)ad, my younger brothers, and [I ] (me) two days to shovel
>>>>> my dad // It took me, not I.
Not all our Christmas's were >>>>> Christmas's is possessive. Plural would be Christmases (?, I believe).
a sprawling(,) three-story structure with an attached(,) two-story barn/garage. Connecting the garage to the house was a multi(-)story section
Your poem is a nice tribute to the Statue of Liberty. I do think there are several areas that could stand improvement:
You use a pattern of rhyming lines 2 & 4, but weak-me do not rhyme in stanza 3, and stands-hand are not well rhymed in stanza 4.
Your use of punctuation is spotty. At present you place a period at the end of line 4 in stanzas 2 & 3, but not in the other three stanzas. Be consistent. Use periods at the end of all stanzas.
The Black Tom Explosion
And violence of war >>>>> Incomplete thought
Still she lifts up her lamp
At the front of the golden door.
Maybe:
Despite The Black Tom Explosion
and violence of world war,
still she lifts up her lamp
at the front of the golden door.
The troubled masses,
the hungry and weak --
these are the folks
she says, “Bring to me.”
At the mouth of the Hudson,
her outstretched hand
holds up the torch.
For freedom she stands!
You might consider NOT capitalizing the first word of every line but using grammatically correct sentences instead with only first word capitalized, as I have illustrated above.
My comments are just my suggestions for you to consider. Do with them as you please. You are the poet here.
This has a wonderful feel to it of family and old memories. It is quite well-written.
It gives a bit of your family's history and a pumpkin bread recipe to boot. I found the writing to be nearly perfect except for: a life of [it's](its) own.
Wow! What a heart-wrenching, poignant look at what Alzheimer's effects on a loved one can be. The writing is excellent, and the story is perfectly told. I have no suggestions for any improvement, and I commend you on the excellence of your writing.
This was an interesting story, filled with great descriptive details. Nicely done!
I did encounter some things for your consideration:
The sun was shining[, i] (. I)t was going to be a beautiful day[. T](, t)he first day of [S](s)ummer, June 21st.
>>> Don't capitalize summer in lines 1 & 2. You didn't capitalize winter in line three.
The hike was an easy one(;)[, ]I had done it many ... semicolon here
I couldn't see it[, ](;)I more sensed [it's](its) approach.
A long(,) thin(,) gray line was
to muster up a [gail](gale) of profound proportions.
Bravo! This is an amusing story that was extremely well-written. It held my interest throughout and left me wanting more. (What happened on that date? LOL)
I have absolutely no suggestions for improvement. It is perfect as written.
This was a well-told story that held my interest throughout. This is a nice piece of writing! You set the climax up quite nicely and then delivered a satisfying ending.
You might wish to consider these points:
It was a beautiful(,) hot summer day (,)and they were cooling
Suddenly(,) the tone of their voices changed
pulled on her heavy(,) woolen robe.
go swimming!" they demanded(.)
"Well," he said slowly[.](,) "I don't see any reason
"I guess," she said with a slight smile at the anxious kids[.](,) "I guess
Your story is well-told and holds the reader's attention throughout. The twist at the end is appropriate. Your telling of the tale is fast-paced and interesting. Nice job!
I have a few things for your consideration:
Life is eternal for we dark pixies,>>> for us dark pixies
a soothing turquoise[;](,) reminiscent of a childhood room
walking alone at dusk[;](,) barefooted, wearing shorts, in the fall, will easily attract
I walk faster[, ] (;)he walks faster.
positioned myself on the floor[;](,) remaining perfectly still.
I decide[d] to open my eyes and leap upwards toward him, and finish the business.
As my eyes slowly open[ed], I see >>>>> You switched verb tense here
This is quite uplifting and positive in tone. I particularly like the first stanza of this poem for its impact. Then, the last stanzas offer hope that goodness can vanquish evil someday. Overall, this is an excellent inspirational poem. Nicely done!
You have done an excellent job of describing the situation in such wonderful detail that holds the reader's attention throughout. You make the reader care about and root for Jeremy and his fate. Then you let the reader imagine his/her own ending. This is exceptional writing! I much enjoyed this.
Only found a few suggestions for you to consider:
Sure, he got into a few scrapes, what boy didn't?
Either: ....scrapes; what OR ...scrapes. What
"Hello(,) ma'am.
Tiffany closed the door behind him(,) and he could hear the women talking inside.
OR maybe separate into two sentences. ...him. He
Your poem is intensely personal in its expression of your hurt and love. It is well-rhymed, and I found only a couple of grammatical errors:
I love the way you make me smile every day[;] >>no semicolon here
and how I have that "love sick" look
Allowing myself to get close to you I did forbid;
and I didn't want to experience pain like before.
>>>>> Either use a comma instead of semicolon OR omit the 'and'.
I didn't think I could possibly love you any more[;](,)
but with each passing day my love steadily grew.
There's only one true explanation I can implore;
is that I am so madly in love with you.
>>>>There's only one true explanation I can implore --
[is] that I am so madly in love with you.
OR
The[re's] only one true explanation I can implore[;]
is that I am so madly in love with you.
I hope the person who you wrote this for realizes your love has grown stronger.
This piece captures the feelings of dispair and loneliness quite well. However, I wondered if perhaps you could avoid using these overused expressions -- I am an empty shell, balancing on a precipice, drowning in a cesspool. The last paragraph about the dreamcatcher brings a freshness to the writing that is wanting in the earlier descriptions. You are a good writer, as this piece shows.
Wow, what a tightly written, fast-paced ride you take the reader on in this piece.
Your descriptions are excellent. I particularly liked the line: I continue firing down the road like a rocket. You are an excellent writer.
I did note a few grammatical suggestions:
tunnel through the groping branches of the trees above(,) and I hurtle through the arched darkness
Two tiny(,) green reflections,
My heart beats even faster(,) and I can feel the perspiration
I'm within 100 yards of it[,](;) my jaw is clenched[, ](;)my teeth grind together.
I throw my head back(,) and it connects with the headrest. My leg stiffens(,) but I can't get on the brake.
This piece resonates with anyone who has ever driven down a country road at night and encountered deer in the middle of the road. A nightmare indeed.
This poem has a warm, good feeling to it. It is well-rhymed, and, when read, it flows smoothly. The poet seems quite contented with her surroundings and peacefully at home. Overall, this is a rather nicely penned piece.
Sounds like you learned your lesson. Ths poem makes the important point that one must be true to his own self, rather thsn adopt false traits trying to impress others.
A few suggestions:
I [have] misled myself.
I [have] changed myself for the wrong reason[s].
>>> omit the have, omit the 's' on reasons to better rhyme with season.
No, and I would put it back on the shelf.
>>>> If not, I would...
In stanza three, you break the pattern of rhyming lines 2 & 4 as found in all the other stanzas. Why?
My new friends faded[,](;) my old ones ditched me.
But if I ever wanted to survive through this prison they called school[.](,)
I couldn’t continue living a façade.
Purely as a poem, this may be okay. As history, it is truly terrible. Truman and the U.S. won a race to develop the atomic bomb against Nazi Germany. Had Germany won that race, we'd all be speaking German today. Truman dropped the two bombs on Japan to end WWII after it became apparent that Japan was prepared to fight to the last man, woman, and child defending its shores from invasion. Dropping the bombs saved hundreds of thousands of American soldiers' lives. I would have dropped the bombs without hesitation.
Your true imperial lust
has made us xenophobic.
>>>>> What imperial lust? Japan attacked us and we defended ourselves. Likewise, North Korea, then China, invaded our ally South Korea and we came to their aid. Please show me any evidence of Truman displaying any imperial lust ever. We were attacked first. Truman was never the aggressor.
Truman was far from being a buffoon.
A poet has a responsibility to write truth in his/her work and to know something of which they write.
You certainly seem joyful! The poem is a bit ragged, however. The great disparity in line lenghts is somewhat disconcerting. And maybe not start all four lines of stanzas two with I.
I swoon in joy.
I drink in the happiness of the air.
I paddle my way through in the ocean of hopes and dreams.
I have found the elixir of life.
>>>> Perhaps instead:
I swoon in joy,
as I drink in the happiness of the air.
I paddle my way through in the ocean of hopes and dreams,
for I have found the elixir of life.
The last two stanzas are too much alike. Maybe omit the next to last stanza and just keep the last stanza?
I choose[,] to dream.
To hope.
To love.
To dare.
[To live.]
I choose to live.
This poem has such a good feel about it. I have ridden the green and red streetcars through the Garden District in New Orleans on several visits there. I too have a sentimental feeling about having them running again through the streets of N.O.
This poem has many wonderful images of N.O. in it:
trees clutching strands of Mardi Gras beads, jazz bands marching down the street, floats, balconies, etc. I particularly liked the closing lines.
Nicely written. No suggestions for improvement.
I am looking forward to receiving soon my copy of Awash With Words.
This poem evokes lovely images of life along the river -- of water, wildlife, and cool breezes ruffling the oak tree's leaves. Very nicely written piece!
I do have a few punctuation suggestions for you to consider:
where I fish for trout(,) watching water embrace
>>> Are you doing the watching (comma needed), or are the trout doing the watching (then correct without comma)?
White(,) frothy water cools the smooth(,) brown bed stone,
its eddies whirl(,) then rest in a calm, clear pool
The content is fine here. However, this is said to be an English sonnet. You have the format of three quatrains with six alternating rhymes with a rhyming couplet at the end correct. However, an English sonnet has lines of five iambic feet (10 syllables in length). Your lines do not conform to this five iambic feet requirement. Hence, to me it is not truly an English sonnet.
This is a delightful story, well-told. It held my interest throughout. You did an excellent job with the rhyming couplets. Plus it included a good life lesson at the end. Nicely written!
There were a few punctuation errors:
Here is the reason for all my commotion(.)
My mother was cursed by a grim witch’s potion(.)
“If you eat the Red Knight(,) then I’ll stop my lament!”
I enjoyed reading your poem.
Cheers!
Harry
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/harryg/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/14
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 12:32am on May 20, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
