Greetings, Jenbo ~
I found this very interesting and quite entertaining. You created very graphic images throughout. You tell a good story! Anyone interested in a good war story would enjoy the detailed descriptions you provide.
I wasn't sure about the anthrax. If the soldier contacted it from the soil (bad camp location) as implied, why was he the only soldier to come down with it? If he got it from the undercooked food from the Kenyans, I think it would have taken longer to manifest itself. You might want to recheck this part to be sure it conforms to medical facts. Also, unless he had received an anthrax vaccine previously, he would not have anthrax-reactive antibodies after only a couple of days. Producing antibodies requires weeks usually.
Overall, you are a good writer. I did have quite a number of suggestions for proper punctuation and some word corrections: ( ) = insert // [ ] = delete
all my mid(-)air drills(,) I had
put a magazine on my weapon >>>> on or in?
'You al(l) right(,) Corporal Atkins?' he asked, pointing at my limp.
‘Landed on them damn tree stumps(, s)[S]ir,' I said.
>>>>>> Why only one ' for dialogue instead of the customary " throughout? Is this an English style?
No heroics(,) Corporal Atkins[, i](. I)f that foot gets any worse(,) let me know.'
'Yes(, s)[S]ir, I'll try and press on[,](;) maybe I can walk it off,' I said, unconvinced[, and b](. B)eneath the brow of his helmet I saw him raise a camouflage(-)darkened eyebrow
Archer's Post[, s](. S)o intense was the heat that
during the low(-)level approach(,) and(,) in the cramped, stifling, fuel(-)smelling air(,) some
anti(-)tank weapons
task of navigating(,) as A Company would be leading the battalion and our platoon would be leading the company. It came as no surprise[, t](. T)here was meant to be pockets of enemy on our advance(,) and Lieutenant Gray hated me.
under the Kenyan sun(,) and with enemy ahead we had to
during the low(-)level approach were struck down with dehydration(,) although my section was still
say ten yards [passed](past) the start line would be
crossed the border(,) and I was as surprised
dry river wadi(. O)[o]nce the water bottles had been filled(,) I went to
rucksack(,) he came across and said, ‘You too(,) Corporal Atkins.’
I sussed what >>>> "sussed" ?? What is sussed?
if I took my boot off(,) I'd never get it back on again, but he insisted, made it an order(,) and five minutes later we were watching my blackened foot swell in his red(-)filtered torchlight.
Thank you very much(, s)[S]ir.
called the medic(,) who appeared instantly.
for nothing(,) and I'd faced off with him
Having said that(,) Sergeant Cooper was
hand(.)[,] '[y](Y)ou're off to
a dirt track(,) and every rut [he](we) bounced over
The driver dipped his lights(,) and(,) as if seeing us for the first time(,) the cat darted into the bush.
dry river valley(,) but I could easily make out the ends of the low(,) two(-)man tents looking
straight from the DZ to >>>> You keep switching between DZ and drop zone throughout. After first introducing the abbreviation DZ, why use drop zone again?
After getting my foot strapped(,) I was led to my open camp bed[, a](. A)ll the tents were taken and full of snoring heat victims from the day(')s march.
brushing an inch(-)long(,) brown scorpion from under the stale(-)smelling pillow.
Once the A Company vanguard had cleared the first positions(,) B and C Companies would
I was woken an hour or so later by the crumpf of mortar rounds landing on the battalion's objectives. The mortars were due to start pounding the enemy positions at H-minus five
>>>>>> This section/paragraph is excellent in its description of the sounds and sights of the mortar barrage and subsequent action. Quite nicely written!
lit the far(-)off sky(,) and moments
The enemy had personnel carries(,) and I
>>>>> carries or carriers ?
blowing in the right direction(,) I might even get
the nasal(-)busting smell of cordite that eventually teased my senses, but the smell of cooking(.) [and i](I)nstantly my stomach
Some vegetables of a kind had already been pealed
>>>> peeled
Once the meat had been stripped and placed in the sizzling stir-fry(,) the remaining carcass was
dropped
'Rise and shine(,) you sickies[, w](. W)e've got a
'What'll it be(,) Andy?
My bowels(,) however(,) were playing a different game and exploded from me before I got to my feet. I was drenched in sweat(,) and my face felt too hot to touch. I'd forgotten about my sprained ankle[,](;) my legs collapsed under me as I tried to stand. I was falling forwards. Time had stopped. The mustard(-)dark earth was rushing to meet my face(,) but I couldn't
I came to[o]
>>>>> Okay. You should have had plenty of examples of the sort of corrections needed by now = run-on sentences, comma separating person addressed in dialogue, commas after clauses, hypenate compound adjectives, etc. I'll leave it up to you to find and make these corrections in the remainer of the story.
Once cleaned up, this story will be excellent.
Welcome to Writing.com! We can always use another writer as talented as you.
Cheers!
Harry |
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