This poem addresses the love of a couple for each other. It struck me as strange that in the first stanza he gives her a diamond ring and she falls in love with him in the second stanza.
The grammar/punctuation needs checking. For instance:
Then(,) when I fell in love with you,
Your response was starkly daring(.)
You hugged me that day so lovingly[,](.)
Your kiss was so unsparing(.)
Having all lines 2 and 4 end with -ing words makes for some weak rhymes.
Overall, this reads well enough to be an enjoyable poem.
Excellent shaped poem. It must have been hard to get the letters/words aligned correctly to make the front of a church. I'm impressed!
You might want to refer more directly to the church bombing itself in the summary. I, for one, am not familiar with "The Watsons Go to Birmingham-1963". Others probably won't be either.
I like the message here, and the way you delivered it. Nicely done!
I liked the repeat of "as I often do," as the second line in the first three stanzas. The build up for the message delivery in stanza four
worked well. Good job...
This poem is soft and gentle and reflective. The switching between 2-line and 3-line stanzas seemingly at random was a tad offputting. Otherwise, this is nicely written.
Song writing (and song reviewing) lies outside my expertise. I'll just say I liked this effort, and it must be good as far as songs go since it won a prize in the contest. So, keep up the song writing!
This is a highly emotional subject that must be difficult to write about. You handle it well here. I have a few minor technical items for you to consider:
when the police were involved[, a](. A)ll the abuses were
do completely[, a](. As time goes by and you've become a hermit(,) the memories
They say that " time heals all wounds "(.)[..... but] I say with time, it becomes
will cause these memories to resurface [themselves].
You obviously are a cat lover. This is a wonderful tribute to Princess. May you have her a long, long time.
Here are a few points for your consideration:
at a pet store, a four(-)week(-)old kitten, for [ten](a) whopping (ten) dollars!
and at the temple like a widow’s peak, ??? Confusing. Maybe "and white at the temples..." or whatever is the correct color of her temples.
and a raccoon tail. Very beautiful markings. Maybe make into same sentence:
and a raccoon tail(-- v)[. V]ery beautiful markings.
for many camera shots(,) and they always are
for her head[, ] (;)she peeped out
as a young(,) growing cat.
He gives her Friskies tartar control treats >>>>> Who is "He"?
have improved. (She g)[G]oes in her litter,
But look out when she is about to get a shot(. H)[, h]er body shakes(,)[ and] her ears primp up, she hisses(,) and (she) is ready to say goodbye immediately. To vets(,) of course, this is normal for a growing cat.
a large(,) plastic mug
her pink(,) wet nose.
It takes her into >>>> What is 'It'?
Brought to North America, European settlers came here with cats. >>>> Sounds like European settlers were brought to North America. You mean cats were brought here by European settlers.
Overall, this story appears to be nicely told. However, it doesn't hold up to examination after one learns the ending. That is, the statements made are not logical for what she would actually be thinking. For example: They shouldn’t be accepting guests here if a crime had been committed. >>>> She knew no crime had been committed.
“Was there a murder here?” I asked quite shaken. >>>> Why would she be "quite shaken" when she knew exactly what was going on? She might be acting and appear to be "quite shaken". In retrospect, it appears these lines were written to fool the reader but are not an honest representation of what she would be feeling and thinking under the circumstances.
I also have a few other suggestions for your consideration:
with blood on them,” the detective said[. ](,)“[A](a)nd don’t let anyone
seemed to be friendly here[. S](, s)o unusual for a Florida
“Ma'am," the detective yelled[. "P](, "p)lease[,] stay away from
“Sorry,” I said[,](.) “Was there a problem?
“Nothing to worry,[ M](m)iss,” the groundskeeper said.
“No, [M](m)iss. Nothing’s missing
“Well, [M](m)iss[. T](, t)hat nothing is something.”
the detective said[. ](,)“I need you
buy out Pilgrim’s Inn(,) and he set you
a cow(,)and the maid said she
“Now I know what it is[,](.)” The detective reached
You are a good writer, but I feel you might could rework this story a bit.
These seem like wise words to this parent/grandparent. As long as a child knows his parents will always love and support him unconditionally, things usually have a way of working out okay...even when he/she pulls the stupidiest stunt on earth.
This piece is well-written, I found no errors (a real rarity for me).
This dream should help you handle your emotions from the death of your father and provide you with some comfort thinking your parents are now together and happy. It is filled with personal memories and feelings. As such, it belongs to you.
I did have somne suggestions for improving the technical aspects of the writing:
If he hadn't [of] died,
house[, i](. I)t is the house I grew up in, the house
I broke my collar bone[, ](;)thankfully that was all.
a [3](three-)bedroom(,) ranch house with [3](three) full bathrooms. >>>> Write out small numbers.
step into the 4 season 'porch' >>>> 'four-season porch'
used to get along(,) but(,) when he built this room, the animosity
game is flahsing on the television >>>> flashing
or [feel] (make) me (feel) better on days when I am missing him and [m](M)om.
sense of humor[,](.) I look like his paternal
"[h](H)i, Dad(,)"
work shirts there were stained yellow ?? >>> shirts. They were OR work shirts that were ??
gleaming with tears[, ](;)he is hurting[,](;) he is regretful[, ](;)he looks old
Line 1...one word
Line 2...two words
Line 3...three words
Line 4...4 words
Line 5... one word
Line 1 is a noun
Line 2 is two adjectives describing the title
Line 3 is three verbs/actions related to the title
Line 4 is a complete sentence of four words that describe a feeling about the title
Line 5 is one word referring back to the title
Your poem meets all the specified requirements. Indeed, it is very much like the Cats example provided with the directions. Your poem does capture the essence of cats well.
This poem captures the many sides of music and what it can represent in people's lives to heal and soothe them and bring them joy and peace. It is a lovely piece.
Just a couple of suggestions:
I am the tires squeaking,ambulance (siren) screaming. ??
One day I will sound the trump as Angels escort Jesus >>>>> trump OR trumpet ??
This poem evokes great images. It has a lovely feel to it.
– ethereal flakes descending ever so slowly to greet me[.](,)
[A](a) hint of sound as their tiny bodies reach the earth.
>>>> My, you have great hearing!
>>>> The last line is not a complete sentence; so use comma and no capitalization.
I close my eyes and fall asleep[.](,)
[M](m)y lover’s kisses on my cheek.
>>>>> Same comment as stanza above.
>>>>> Falling asleep in the cold and snow might be dangerous!
This is simply wonderful writing! It completely captures the reader and carries him along with your story. The flow is great. The story is entertaining. Of course, you must finish it! I enjoyed it immensely.
I have only a few minor items for your consideration:
“Yes(,)Lisette, it’s me, but
“Avast(,) ye currs!
barrel of ale[,](;) I’ve matters of importance
red(-)haired woman elbowed
“Unhand me this instant(,) kind sir,”
The half(-)wit drunkard
hat on her door[,] and locked it behind them.
equality of every man(,) and this belief had led him
This poem is poignant in its message of feeling sorry and a bit guilty about not giving someone another chance and their ending their life. A word of advice to the person doing the wondering: You cannot be responsible for the actions of the other person. No need to have any guilty feelings, just sorrow over his actions.
The punctuation is amiss in several places in this poem:
I didn't have the energy[,] [ ] = delete
So I said no[, ] and shut the door,
I wasn't there to stop you[,]
The bullets spun in the chamber(,) ( ) = insert
and(,) this time, one had your name on it.
Other than these minor commas changes, I have no suggestion to improve the poem. It is quite good as written.
This delivers your plea extremely well. Your message is clear. Poignant writing!
The main suggestion I have for this piece is that it cries out for punctuation throughout. Punctuation would guide the reader as to correct reading of the lines.
Additionally, I suggest not capitalizing every line but to only capitalize the start of a new sentence. This would also help the read also.
Still(,) I’m terrified to no possible end
[T](t)hat(,) with stability stolen, I left unable to bend(.)
>>>>> I left unable to bend?? Unclear & awkward wording.
So(,) baby, please try to see from my red. swollen eyes(.)
Strain if you must to hear my muffled cries(.)
Something so repulsive and repelling must dwell here(.)
Yet, no where I get(,) as calmly I peer >>>> No where I get??
[D](d)eep inside your soul to make sense of what haunts you(,)
[T](t)o learn what it is that feverishly grabs(,) drawing you
[T](t)o pick up that glass of bitter sick whiskey(.)
Please put an[d] end to my anguish(-)filled sorrow(,) >>>>>an end
[A](a)nd we will live to see a million tomorrows(.)
This would be a much more powerful read if sentence were clearly defined by appropriate capitalization and punctuation.
As another outstanding poem of respect for fallen soldiers, this poem is quite moving. Your descriptions paint the scene so well one can see themselves there paying tribute and listening to the "clear dulcet tones as the bugler sounds
echoed strains of the oft heard Last Post." Excellent writing!
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