This is a very touching piece of poetry. You had my eyes welling up with tears from almost the first line. If this poem doesn't make people want to share their wealth...however minimal it might be...with those less fortunate, their hearts must be made of stone.
I like the fact that you didn't rhyme this poem as the lives of the people it described was off kilter and out of synch, too.
I wouldn't change a thing at all in this wonderful poem.
Keep right on writing and being an inspiration to us all!
This story that was emailed to you really is beautiful. Your thoughtfulness in sharing it with the writing.com community provided me with a blessing because I really enjoyed reading it. It made me take a second look at the holiday season and refocus on just what is important.
What a really cool story!! I like the layering effect you get by showing the characters at the end both playing the game and being part of the game itself. Sort of like Edward Albee's play "Tiny Alice." I love it!
The only difficulty I had was that it was hard to tell who was speaking sometimes. Like when Andrea accepted the neighbor's invitation. I had to read that part twice to make sure that Edward hadn't accepted it.
Keep on writing and creating such wonderfully imaginative stories!
What an experience to live through!! I can hardly believe that you guys survived that hurricane and tornado! Whatever happened to the tidal wave that was spotted out at sea? Did it reach land?
You did a great job of using sensory details in your descriptions of the storm's sound, the rugs' smell, and the sights you witnessed that early morning. Bravo! Nice work!
Here are a few minor things that I noticed while reading:
it was bad outside, but would get worse as the storm was expected to last until noon tomorrowthe next day
In the morning, the storm willwould still be raging on, but the beaches would have long ago lost their battle.
Was the oak tree falling toward the house or away from it?
the sound of the handicapped train vanished, leaving us to once again hear only the screaming wind, as if it was in pain beautiful description!
I really enjoy stopping in at this forum to see the prompts that you have posted for your daily flash fiction challenge. I especially like today's concerning writing a story about a hiding place. I am definitely going to try to submit something for this prompt.
Your prompts always get me thinking, and that is a very good thing.
This is a very good forum to know about just in case you encounter any problems with the functioning of any part of writing.com. I have used the service several times and have always gotten my questions answered within a few hours of posting my question. And, beyond that, I have always gotten answers that help to get rid of whatever problem I had been having.
Thanks for providing this service for us because without it, we might not be able to post our work on this site!
This is a fun contest to enter each month, and it is fun to look to see in your newsletter whose poem got featured for winning the contest. Thus, the winner not only gets gift points, which are always fun to win, but also the winning poem gets exposure in a newsletter that is read by a large number of people.
Very nice work! Keep right on writing those newsletters and featuring worthy poetic answers to your contest challenges
Writing a sonnet is a difficult thing to do, and you have done quite well with the writing of this one! The story that it tells is quite clear and touched my heart.
Here is only one minor issue that I noticed as I read your sonnet:
In line three of stanza one, change "both" to "my" since the word both makes the reader wonder which two toys your sister is sharing.
I also wasn't sure if you needed to use exact rhyme to achieve the rhyme scheme or if slant rhyme would be acceptable. You might want to check with the contest coordinator to see what he/she wants. "milk" "quilt" and "before" "cure" are slant rhymes, not exact rhymes, but if it were up to me, I'd allow them because of how well this poem works.
Keep right on writing and trying different forms of poetic expression!
This is a really cute little poem! I like the way you show the dog being reprimanded continually by its owner and then shift to the fact that no matter what the owner says, a rub on the belly makes all the reprimands disappear
Very nicely written! Keep right on writing and creating little vignettes of real life.
This is a very nice little story you have going here! The only trouble is that it is too short. I would really like to see your reaction to the woman chasing after the van and your realization of your error. How did your body react physically? Did you get a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach? Did your hands start to sweat? Add in more details, too, about what you felt in that split second after giving the woman the money before realizing what a mistake you made. The rapid contrast in emotion would really bring out the abrupt shift in your feelings and make your reader share that experience.
If you do add more to this piece in the way of emotional details, I'd be happy to re-review this piece and change my rating.
Keep right on writing and expression your ideas in words
Very interesting transition from the snowy woods to the crowded, overly commercialized malls. Very nicely written poem. I could almost feel the change in mood from the serenity of the woods to the jostling, angry mobs working the malls.
The simplicity of your poem gives it a wonderful sense of free flowing power. Your words flow smoothly over the page, and the message, that something ethereal and large, yet totally intangible is out there keeping watch over all that is happening, comes through loud and clear.
This is really quite a wonderful piece of writing, sirjerry! (By the way, is there any significance to the fact that your handle is a homophone for the word surgery? Are you a doctor? Or hope to become one? -- Just curious!)
I really like the way you start out painting a very broad image of the ways in which God's love is bestowed upon the person the poem is aimed at and then in the last stanza hone in on a much more personal and intimate image or reflection, if you will, of that love.
Beautiful! Keep right on writing and creating beautiful imagery!!
Great poem, Bill! I like the light, sing-songy way the poem reads. I could almost hear silent movie horror music playing in the background throughout my reading of the poem and speeding up and getting louder as I got toward the end of the poem. Definitely a fun read!
This is a very funny letter, and a totally believable one! The king's horses and men certainly are in a yolk of a situation. It is nice to see that they actually found the time and a clean hand to write this letter to the poor little kids.
Very nicely woven web, spidey! I like this poem. You kept the flow going smoothly, and even managed to connect all three clerihews very well. I like the trinity that you have created for this piece. In some ways, this piece is very soothing to read.
What a great story! I like how you related the story to your handle here at writing.com! Bravo!
You know, as I read the ending of this piece, I got a strong image of two kids, siblings - one older than the other, playing hide and go seek. I could almost envision the brother who opened the door tickling the poor sibling hiding in the closet as a punishment for being found.
On the other hand, I can also easily see an intruder in the home finding the woman hiding in the closet and abusing her then killing her.
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This is a very intriguing poem! I like the twist you threw in at the end. I never expected the lover to be who he was! Very good! Very unexpected!
Here is something that I noticed while reading your poem:
Out of her treasure's eyes You need the apostrophe here to show possession.
Have you thought about turning this poem into a short story or a chapter of a fantasy novel? It really sounds like it has potential to open itself up into either one.
Yes, you have captured quite a bit about what it means to be a teacher in this poem. It seems that by actually doing it, you learned a lot in the process. I have always said that teaching is a two-way street: we teach the kids, and they end up teaching us things, too! Neat, isn't it?
One thing I'd like to see in this poem is maybe some of the surprise you felt when you learned how much more teaching is than just the basics. I'd like to see your reaction to what you learned from the experience. This would give the reader a chance to share the experience with you.
This is a very playful poem!! I can see the two lovers sitting together and having an inane conversation about buttons while they kiss and caress Maybe it is even their wedding night...who can really be sure hee!
Wow! I am really impressed by the impact this poem has had on me. I do know what it feels like to lose a child, and this poem touched me as no other poem I have read over the past three days has touched me.
Your word choices helped me to envision the scene with such clarity that I felt I was standing right there, like a ghost, watching the interaction between this mother and child. By the end of the piece, I could see the strength in the child's eyes before it faded and gave in to death. That child held on long enough to comfort his/her mother. What a great gift the child has bestowed on its parent!
Beautiful, beautiful writing and sentiments! Keep right on writing and amazing your readers!
Absolutely adorable little limerick!! The rhyme scheme and rhythm are perfect, even though I'm not sure just how perfect a mode of transportation a billy goat would be Don't they have rather pointy backs? And, aren't they a bit on the tiny side?? Oh well, to each his own!! hee!
Very funny limerick!! Although, I can't imagine who or what he'd hold up in order to steal some air!
The last line of the poem does fit the rhyme scheme of the limerick format, but when I read the poem aloud, it didn't seem to fit rhytmically. Take another look at it and see what you think, okay? Thanks!
This poem reveals a great tenderness for your best friend. It seems that the two of you are inseparable. I have had a few friendships over the years that have been like that, too. They are great experiences when they happen, and they should be cherished as you have cherished your time with Teresa.
I like the way you describe how she makes you feel and how you respond to her. But, I'm not sure the phrase "she is my chickie" fits with the tone of the rest of the poem; it almost seems irreverent after all the praise you've given to her. See if you can come up with a word that shows your closeness to Teresa without changing the tone of the poem.
Overall, this is a very good tribute to your best friend! keep right on writing!!
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Don't they have rather pointy backs? And, aren't they a bit on the tiny side?? Oh well, to each his own!! hee!