[ " I never thought Tim would do such a thing, he never seemed like a violent man,"] Laura continued through her tears. After the word 'thing' there should be a semi-colon. [plumb cheek] plumb or plump?. [his is my son] did you mean 'he is my son.] [can I call you later] needs a '?'
Also, when there's a question, use the question mark. [causes] Did you mean 'caused'?
[The cold and dark gym] The cold, dark gym engulfed....
engulfed Tim in his regret and sorrow as he clutches his shoulder [;] leaving Timothy alone in the dark....
Leaving Timothy alone in the dark to ponder his actions and what it means to be a man.
It certainly wouldn't class it as a room but it definitely wasn't freedom. Though I could roam wherever I wanted (needs a semicolon); I knew I would never find sanctuary, sanity or even my own trail of thought. I knew from experience I'd been here before. I always end up here and it never ends differently. You'd think (for I woman) ??? with no memory that it would be a surprise to me. Ending up in a foreign land, unknowing of anything and everything, but it wasn't, not anymore. You see, this is the place where memories are lost and never made. Never found or ever used, at least by me anyway and I've never seen another living soul here so how would I know? It's not as if I haven't tried, I do every time (,)
or I used to anyway. There doesn't seem like any point anymore. My only memories are of me being here and I don't see the point of knowing that if every time I become trapped in(,) what I can only presume is a hell of my own creation.
These are only suggestions that are bracketed. The last part of this paragraph, There doesn't seem like any point anymore...does not sound correct. Can you revise this? ...There doesn't seem as if there is any point anymore.
Like I said, these are only suggestions. I like the concept of your story.
It is such a shame and time so wasted with hate. One wonders where it comes from.
Some are passed on to the child and thus begins a journey of resentments. Shame.
I love the story and understand where you are coming from. I too cherish life, any life. I pray the little critters get out of my way just in time so I won't hit them. I am 75 (soon), really soon.
I have already prepared my declarative for my children in the event of my demise. I hope they don't run over me...lol
Awww, I loved this letter to your father. I believe all of us have been in that 'dark place' at some time or another in our lives. We, who are lucky ones survive. That that does not kill us, only makes us stronger.
[ her present, but I didn't show her it yet.] Can you try rephrasing this. You have [ ruin the surprise quite yet.] in the next sentence. Perhaps you could say, "I wasn't ready for her to see the gift. Then you could finish with [no need to ruin the surprise quite yet.] This is only a suggestion.
I loved it. Because I am up in years and have children that treat me the same way, I could relate. I related to all of it. Moving from a spacious home to an apartment near my children. Out of four, only one spends quality time with me. Only one calls. The other when she needs something.
Great storyline
Janice
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