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401
401
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Mystery Newsletter dated September 3 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: You've done a good job with following this prompt and concocted a very chilling story. It offers the opportunity of expanding to a longer story that follows the clues you've planted.

Characters: Both of the main characters are nicely portrayed through their words and actions.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and seems natural.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ my photo accompanying the obituary. '
Suggest: my photo accompanied the obituary.

In this phrase, 'the mortuary, scheduled funeral this Friday in a place called the Pleasant Valley cemetery at 9:00 AM.'

Suggest: the mortuary scheduled the funeral this Friday in a place called the Pleasant Valley Cemetery at 9:00 AM.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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402
402
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Drama Newsletter dated September 3 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is an interesting piece although I really wasn't expecting a medical subject.

Grammar & Punctuation: Only one suggestion/comment.
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ physicians have told her that hypoglycemia was not her problem. '
Suggest: Do you mean "hypoglycemia" here? Earlier you referred to "hypothyroidism".



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

** Image ID #1541185 Unavailable **



403
403
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Short Story Works Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a really enjoyable story that I think children should really like.

Characters: You have done a good job of showing all of your main characters through their words, thoughts and actions.

Dialog: Dialog is believable and seems natural.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ deep deep deep into the ocean. '
Suggest: deep, deep, deep into the ocean.

In this phrase, ‘ “Hello Gramma Fish,” '
Suggest: “Hello, Gramma Fish,”

In this phrase, ‘ He swam with the mermaid all the way up up up, '
Suggest: He swam with the mermaid all the way up, up, up,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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404
404
Review of Forgetting love  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Short Story Works Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a really terrific story but it does need a considerable amount of additional editing.

Characters: You have done a good job of revealing your characters through their conversations and the actions and thoughts.

Dialog: Dialog seem natural under the circumstances.

Format: When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest a thorough proofread and edit, looking for the sort of things listed below.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ friends whom did not want to be together. '
Suggest: friends whom did not want them to be together.

In this phrase, ‘ helplessness that flicker across the boys face '
Suggest: helplessness that flicker across the boy's face

In this phrase, ‘ dreaming I an Alayla, but knowing I couldn’t ever have a life like that, a fairy tale life.'
Suggest: dreaming I am Alayla, but knowing I couldn’t ever have a life like that, a fairy-tale life.

In this phrase, ‘ “Lets go” Tom whispered '
Suggest: “Let's go” Tom whispered

In this phrase, ‘ I hate that thing” She protested. '
Suggest: I hate that thing,” she protested.

In this phrase, ‘ you look very smart” Tom swung a leg '
Suggest: you look very smart.” Tom swung a leg

In this phrase, ‘ pressed her face into Toms back '
Suggest: pressed her face into Tom's back

In this phrase, ‘ “Hay…” I stopped in mid sentence, '
Suggest: “Hey…” I stopped in mid-sentence,

In this phrase, ‘ “Oh my I am so sorry” I whispered, '
Suggest: “Oh my, I am so sorry,” I whispered,

In this phrase, ‘ and I road in the back. '
Suggest: and I rode in the back.

In this phrase, ‘ who I and every body else were, '
Suggest: who I and everybody else were,

In this phrase, ‘ They hospital did some sort of scan '
Suggest: The hospital did some sort of scan

In this phrase, ‘ turned that corner that lead to this. '
Suggest: turned that corner that led to this.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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405
405
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Short Story Works Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very dramatic and gripping story that is also very sad. Only in your classification do you mention "ghost". Think it would improve the story if you would put that fact and something of their past relationship somewhere in the beginning of the story. It would make clear why he can't hear her(? my impression) and why she is so upset watching.

Characters: Suggest you do more showing of "you" here by utilizinig scenes of their lives.

Dialog: Little dialog is employed, but could enhance reader interest.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ I cried out to you thought I knew you'd not hear me.'
Suggest: I cried out to you though I knew you'd not hear me.

In this phrase, ‘ your face remained empty and ingnorant to my screams and stomping.'
Suggest: your face remained empty and ignorant to my screams and stomping.

In this phrase, ‘ I felt as if I was drowing. '
Suggest: I felt as if I was drowning.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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406
406
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: This is a fascinating beginning to this story where you've aroused reader interest in what happens to the injured bunny.

Characters: You do a good job of showing your main characters as concerned and caring people through their words and actions.

Dialog: Dialog seems natural.

Format: Suggest eliminating the parentheses and, if the information contained adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ my nine year old son was running around'
Suggest: my nine-year-old son was running around

In this phrase, ‘ “Mom, that cat’s here again.” “Scat!” '
Suggest: “Mom, that cat’s here again. Scat!”

In this phrase, ‘ I was just about to yell “Leave it alone,” '
Suggest: I was just about to yell, “Leave it alone,”

In this phrase, ‘ Within an arms length away '
Suggest: Within an arm's length away



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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407
407
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Short Story Works Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is an interesting piece though I'm too sure that those that might need the advice would take it to heart.

Characters: You did a good job of showing us where Jimmy is coming from through his words and actions.

Dialog: Dialog is believable.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation: When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ "Jimmy come eat your veggies. '
Suggest: "Jimmy, come eat your veggies.

In this phrase, ‘ what you eat," She called again. '
Suggest: what you eat," she called again.

In this sentence, ‘ To bad Mom doesn't think so. '
Suggest: Too bad Mom doesn't think so.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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408
408
Review of White Silk  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Short Story Works Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: It is a very intriguing mystery you've set up here, of which this seems to be the first segment. A good job so far of building suspense as to how Lilly can solve the case to which she obviously is sure of the answer.

Characters: You do nicely in showing us Lilly through her words and actions.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and feels natural.

Format: You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.

Suggest eliminating the parentheses and, if the information contained adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ and have absolutely no action what so ever. '
Suggest: and have absolutely no action whatsoever.

In this phrase, ‘ the only sounds that came from between our phone line. '
Suggest: the only sounds that came over the phone line.

In this phrase, ‘ her confession to let out almost left me in tears. '
Suggest: her confession almost left me in tears.

In this phrase, ‘ She had told me in the previous 5 minutes '
Suggest: She had told me in the previous five minutes

In this phrase, ‘ looking he was a deer in headlights. '
Suggest: looking like a deer in headlights.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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409
409
Review of Dreamer's Tale  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Short Story Works Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: If this is an actual dream, it is certainly an interesting one. For this piece, I think it would benefit by being told as a supernatural story, and showing the character's normal reactions to the happenings.

Characters: You have told us what is happening to your main character, but suggest putting us more into his shoes.

Dialog: Little dialog is utilized, but it seems realistic.

Format: Suggest eliminating the parentheses and, if the information contained adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.

Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.

Grammar & Punctuation: The pronoun "I" should always be capitalized.

Suggest a thorough proofread and edit, looking for the sort of things listed below.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ myself from the jeep the desert heat '
Suggest: myself from the jeep, the desert heat

In this phrase, ‘ but i couldn't quite place it. '
Suggest: but I couldn't quite place it.

In this sentence, ‘ In an instance all was dark. '
Suggest: In an instant all was dark.

In this sentence, ‘ instead I found myself petrified staring into the rear view mirror. '
Suggest: Instead I found myself petrified staring into the rear-view mirror.

In this phrase, ‘ what had tripped me a gaped in horror. '
Suggest: what had tripped me, I gasped in horror.

In this phrase, ‘ coming to stop about 10 ft. from the vehicle.'
Suggest: coming to a stop about ten feet from the vehicle.

In this sentence, ‘ He responded hoping back into the drivers seat as i jumped into the back rolling my eyes. '
Suggest: He responded, hopping back into the driver's seat as I jumped into the back, rolling my eyes.

In this phrase, ‘ taking in the surrondings.'
Suggest: taking in the surroundings.

In this phrase, ‘ I Turn around
Suggest: I turn around

In this phrase, ‘ Im not suprised, '
Suggest: I'm not surprised,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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410
410
Review of Forget Me Not  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Short Story Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very interesting tale of a girl with a very unusual problem.

Characters: You've shown both of your main characters well letting the reader see through their words and actions what makes them tick.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and seems natural.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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411
411
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Short Story Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting short-short. You might want to consider expanding this character into a longer story.

Characters: You've hardly had room, with the word limits, to develop this character, but so far he sounds as if he could be very interesting.

Dialog: Little dialog is utilized, but it seems realistic for the situation.

Grammar & Punctuation: Only one suggestion.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ and wishing good night,'
Suggest: and wishing her good night,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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412
412
Review of Free The Crisps  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Short Story Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting setup that really had me going and wondering how far this was going to develop. Unfortunately, there it ended.

Characters: You have done a good job of showing Ben as being one of those who are brainwashed as to their lack of capabilities and deeply desiring to do something more.

Dialog: Dialos seems realistic and natural.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ raised up in a small town, '
Suggest: raised in a small town,

In this phrase, ‘ to diver, to fish farm worker.'
Suggest: to diver, to fish-farm worker.

In this phrase, ‘ can only hold the attentio for so long. '
Suggest: can only hold the attention for so long.

In this phrase, ‘ this isn't how It's supposed to be'
Suggest: this isn't how it's supposed to be

In this phrase, ‘ He was sat in his room, '
Suggest: He sat in his room,

In this phrase, ‘ smiling at his his thoughts of what crazy Ben'
Suggest: smiling at his thoughts of what crazy Ben


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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413
413
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Short Story Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting piece that really arouses the curiosity. Unfortunately, the ending seemed a bit disappointing as we don't find out the fate of either Brad or Daisy.

Characters: You did a good job of drawing your characters so that the reader can visulize them and sort of understand how they feel.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and feels natural.

Format: You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ long to see them again, Lizzie, Gwen and '
Suggest: long to see them again - Lizzie, Gwen and

In this phrase, ‘ and explaining don’t know what sort of things'
Suggest: and explaining I don’t know what sort of things


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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414
414
Review of The Awakening  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Short Story Works List and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: Wow! This is certainly a chilling tale. I think you've got a great idea going here. Suggest you expand it, building the suspense slowly, perhaps showing some background into their normal day-to-day relationships, etc. It has tremendous potential.

Characters: You did a good job of showing the feelings and fears of your narrator.

Dialog: Very little dialog is employed.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ Golden wrapping paper per lay littered'
Suggest: Golden wrapping paper lay, littered



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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415
415
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Short Story Works List and was intrigued by the title.

General Impressions: This is a very good story told in very few words.

Characters: You've done a good job of portraying Lydia and showing her nervousness through her actions.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and feels natural.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ “Lydia Jenkins really does have a charming ring to it my dear.'
Suggest: “Lydia Jenkins really does have a charming ring to it, my dear.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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416
416
Review of Nevada Nights  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Short Story Works List and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a good piece where you've shown the unhappiness and the turnaround.

Characters: You did a good job of portraying your narrator, showing his feelings through his thoughts and actions.

Dialog: No dialog is employed.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Suggest a thorough proofread and edit, looking for the sort of things listed below.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ fighting not just with my junior high peers but with high school kids. '
Suggest: fighting not just with my junior-high peers but with high-school kids.

In this phrase, ‘ were much more pleasant being away from school was a welcome respite '
Suggest: were much more pleasant, being away from school was a welcome respite

In this phrase, ‘ the day time temperature would get up to over 115` at mid day.'
Suggest: the day-time temperature would get up to over 115` at mid-day.

In this phrase, ‘ surrounded by the desert and mountain foot hills.'
Suggest: surrounded by the desert and mountain foothills.

In this phrase, ‘ seething in self loathing and self pity crying the thirteen year old tears'
Suggest: seething in self-loathing and self-pity crying the thirteen-year-old tears

In this phrase, ‘ the letter that taunts me calling be back to that place of isolation and I would just kept going;'
Suggest: the letter that taunts me calling me back to that place of isolation and I would just keep going;

In this phrase, ‘ The smells the sights and sounds of the desert'
Suggest: The smells, the sights and sounds of the desert

In this sentence, ‘ Right bellow the top of my boot scratching my skin.'
Suggest: Right below the top of my boot, scratching my skin.

In this phrase, ‘ those few seconds seemed like an entire life time.'
Suggest: those few seconds seemed like an entire lifetime.

In this phrase, ‘ I was given a clean slate I wish I could say it was easy that I learned '
Suggest: I was given a clean slate. I wish I could say it was easy, that I learned


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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417
417
Review of Story a girl.  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Short Story Works List and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting piece that seems to be more of a setup for a longer story. It arouses reader interest, yet doesn't relate the story of this young girl, her family or the boy across the room.

Characters: You've done a good job of showing the girl through her expressions and her thoughts.

Dialog: No dialog is utilized, other than the waitress's beginning order.

Format: You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ table five” called a waitress,'
Suggest: Table Five,” called a waitress,



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .


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418
418
Review of The Magic Powder  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Short Story Works List and was intrigued by the title.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very good story where you've done a good job of covering the story in very little space.

Characters: You've done a good job of showing your main character through his feelings about his unaccustomed surroundings. I believe giving him a name would have improved this piece, especially where it's mentioned and in how the mother said it.

Dialog: The little dialog used is realistic.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ My dad was a blue collar man'
Suggest: My dad was a blue-collar man

In this phrase, ‘ a house on the water with two boats an indoor/outdoor]
Suggest: a house on the water with two boats, an indoor/outdoor



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .


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419
419
Review of My Team  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie short Story Works List and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting piece and has real potential with some severe editing.

Characters: You've told us about your main character, Michael, but I don't feel as if I really know anything about him. Suggest trying to put this piece into his personal point of view and show us how he feels with the new responsibilities, the new team and all that ensues.

Dialog: No dialog is utilized.

Format: You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Some of the sentences here are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.

Suggest eliminating repetitive words and phrases either in the same sentence or near each other.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest a thorough proof and edit watching for the sort of things listed below.

Proper names should be capitalized.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ When He looked at his life'
Suggest: When he looked at his life

In this phrase, ‘ Then when he asked what be his dream to do the answer was simple became a manager'
Suggest: Then when he asked what would be his dream to do, the answer was simple - became a manager

In this phrase, ‘ his life long dream was, They told him'
Suggest: his life long dream was, they told him

In this phrase, ‘ The next Michael did just that he went to the local Little league'
Suggest: The next thing Michael did just that. He went to the local Little League

In this sentence, ‘ The meeting continued and the started with the older kids ten through 12 year old kids.'
Suggest: The meeting continued and started with the ten through 12-year-old kids.

In this phrase, ‘ there was four teams Jimmy's bronx cafe,'
Suggest: There was four teams: Jimmy's Bronx Cafe;

In this phrase, ‘ When the maangers where announced Michaels name'
Suggest: When the managers were announced, Michael's name


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .


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420
420
Review of Inanimate Demons  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Works Short Story Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: How horrible to be so tormented by those various sounds that are all around us. You do a very good job of showing his reactions.

Characters: You did very well at showing your main character's reactions to his tormentors and the lengths he went to try to escape them.

Dialog: No dialog is utilized.

Grammar & Punctuation: Only one suggestion.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ elated to see a large digital clock on my side,'
Suggest: elated to see a large digital clock at my side,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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Review of Marbles  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Works Short Story Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting story of substitution.

Characters: You did a good job of showing Craig as an avid collector through his actions, especially his admiration for his prizes and continued admiration of them.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and seems natural.

Grammar & Punctuation: When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Specific Suggestions:
In this sentence, ‘ This was a private.'
Suggest: This was a private thing.

In this phrase, ‘ old tennis ball, a dog had obviously used as a toy previous to the current game.'
Suggest: old tennis ball that a dog had obviously used as a toy previous to the current game.

In this phrase, ‘ through it like a stain glassed window,'
Suggest: through it like a stained-glass window,

In this phrase, ‘ if he wanted to the handbook that explained the rules of marbles,'
Suggest: if he wanted the handbook that explained the rules of marbles,

In this sentence, ‘ “Have a seat Craig.'
Suggest: “Have a seat, Craig.

In this sentence, ‘ “I’ve been sting her for an hour.'
Suggest: “I’ve been sitting here for an hour.

In this phrase, ‘ Do you now how many children '
Suggest: Do you know how many children

In this phrase, ‘ You don’t know what its like to sit and wait,'
Suggest: You don’t know what it's like to sit and wait,



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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Review of crumby steps  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a really different sort of piece. I'm not exactly sure what to make of it.

Grammar & Punctuation: The pronoun "I" should always be capitalized.

Suggest not using texting abbreviations, but rather spell words out.

Proper nouns, i.e. Vegas and Elvis, should always be capitalized.

Specific Suggestions:
In this line, ‘ what am i walking towards.'
Suggest: what am I walking towards?

In this phrase, ‘ Idk where im going im just walking'
Suggest: I don't know where I'm going, I'm just walking

In this phrase, ‘ Imeet very few on this trail probally because its a little dark'
Suggest: I meet very few on this trail probably because it's a little dark

In this sentence, ‘ I madea friend of a chicken and a goat. '
Suggest: I made friends with a chicken and a goat.

In this phrase, ‘ the chicken ate '
Suggest: The chicken ate



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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Review of Slow Rush  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a delightful piece where you've painted a beautiful word-picture of the beach at sunset. Well done.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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424
424
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very intriguing introduction that certainly aroused my curiosity as to who this person is and where has he/she come from and what has he/she lived through.

Grammar & Punctuation: Only one suggestion.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ Where there are so many selfish,'
Suggest: Why are there so many selfish,



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


** Image ID #1518002 Unavailable **

** Image ID #1541185 Unavailable **
425
425
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very encouraging piece that points out the fact that we all have the strength to recuperate even though we may not be aware of it. Nicely said.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this line, ‘ Because its all made ME'
Suggest: Because it's all made ME


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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