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376
376
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbies Short Story Works List and was intrigued by the title.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting piece that some additional description of the new war machines would enhance. You might also want to tighten up the beginning introduction to smooth out the flow.

Characters: Characters are not fully developed so that the reader can really relate to them. This applies primarily to Alex who seems to be the main character here.

Dialog: Dialog is believable under these circumstances.

Format: When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.

Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ and even Iran without consulting it's leaders. '
Suggest: and even Iran without consulting their leaders.

In this phrase, ‘ because they brought piece to the area, they owned it and it's resources. '
Suggest: because they brought peace to the area, they owned it and its resources.

In this phrase, ‘ The United states of America has been named '
Suggest: The United States of America has been named

In this phrase, ‘ They would also later send a request for help from South America, '
Suggest: They would also later send a request for help to South America,

In this phrase, ‘ 27 years passed '
Suggest: Twenty-seven years passed

In this phrase, ‘ but i'm sure I can tell when we are in danger." '
Suggest: but I'm sure I can tell when we are in danger."

In this phrase, ‘ He finally took his eyes of Alex '
Suggest: He finally took his eyes off Alex

In this phrase, ‘ "I meant n-no disrespect sir but we have better things '
Suggest: "I meant n-no disrespect, sir, but we have better things



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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377
377
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbies Short Story Works List and was intrigued by the title.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: I found this piece to be a bit confusing. Except for in your description, there is no mention of the deep desire of your protagonist for a relationship that would warrant the extreme thankfulness shown at the ending.

Characters: I can't really relate to your Amilla - feel her feelings, her wants, her needs. Perhaps more information is needed to develop her character.

Dialog: Dialog seems believable.

Format: When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.

This is one long paragraph, that you may want to break into shorter ones.

Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest a thorough proofread and edit watching for misspellings, punctuation and the use of the right words, i.e., "here" for "hear".

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ She has become lonley and fearfull '
Suggest: She has become lonely and fearful

In this sentence, ‘ Her daughters name is Amy and her sons name is josh. '
Suggest: Her daughter's name is Amy and her son's name is Josh.

In this phrase, ‘ Her freind Dana is suppose to take her '
Suggest: Her friend, Dana, is suppose to take her



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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378
378
Review of My Mr. Darcy  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbies Short Story Works List and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a fascinating little piece that aptly illustrates the old adage "to throw your fate to the wind". Nicely done.

Characters: You did a good job of showing your narrator and her dissatisfaction with her life up until this point.

Dialog: Very little dialog is utilized, but what is seems realistic and natural.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ taunting prostitutes and cross dressers, '
Suggest: taunting prostitutes and cross-dressers,

In this phrase, ‘ his eyes were still strangely locked into mine '
Suggest: his eyes were still strangely locked onto mine



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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379
379
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful poem that does a good job of expressing a mother's feelings for each of her children. Well done.

Grammar & Punctuation: Just a few punctuation suggestions.

Specific Suggestions:
In this line, ‘ When you were Born I wanted the intense pain to cease. '
Suggest: When you were born, I wanted the intense pain to cease.

In this line, ‘ As you grew I would stay awake and worry about what choices you would make and how you would pay.'
Suggest: As you grew, I would stay awake and worry about what choices you would make and how you would pay.

In this line, ‘ As you grew I watched you like a hawk never wanting to look away. '
Suggest: As you grew, I watched you like a hawk never wanting to look away.

In this line, ‘ I know you will be your own woman, in your own city with you own life. '
Suggest: I know you will be your own woman, in your own city with your own life.

In this line, ‘ I will always be here no matter what time of day, you can always come home no matter the strife.'
Suggest: I will always be here no matter what time of day; you can always come home no matter the strife.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a good wrap-up to what seems to be a very gory story if the tale as outlined proceeds this.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Suggest enclosing the spoken words of the radio broadcaster, and his guest, in quotations marks. Believe it would make for clearer reading.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ Four high school students were brutally murdered '
Suggest: Four high-school students were brutally murdered

In this phrase, ‘ Sixteen year old, Aiden Pritchard, '
Suggest: Sixteen-year-old Aiden Pritchard,



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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Review of The Perfect Rose  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This little poem makes a really pithy statement about life in general. Well put.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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382
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Request Reviews Page and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very moving story that emphasizes the difference between those that admire the fruitfulness of nature and those that would destroy it. Well done.

Characters: You have done a good job of putting the character across through it might be more impactful if you were to show the various individual scenes.

Dialog: No dialog, per se, is utilized.

Grammar & Punctuation: Only one suggestion.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ trashing violently in a desperate attempt '
Suggest: thrashing violently in a desperate attempt



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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Review of Chapter 1  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Short Stories Newsletter dated September 9 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is an excellent beginning that draws reader interest is Mr. Cho's coming battle and his physical ability to vanquish the foe.

Characters: You did a good job of showing your main character through his thoughts and his attitudes.

Dialog: No dialog is utilized, but none seems needed.

Grammar & Punctuation: Only one suggestion.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ His sword sang in exited anticipation as Master Cho drew it '
Suggest: His sword sang in excited anticipation as Master Cho drew it



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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Review of Human  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Romance/Love Newsletter dated September 9 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a delightful, and very moving, story of an out-of-the-ordinary relationship.

Characters: You did a great job of portraying both Scott and Veronica through their thoughts, words and actions.

Dialog: Dialog seems very natural.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ a much needed vacation after a marathon cram session '
Suggest: a much-needed vacation after a marathon cram session

In this phrase, ‘ made for a picture perfect scenario, '
Suggest: made for a picture-perfect scenario,

In this phrase, ‘ where a sixteen year old Scott '
Suggest: where a sixteen-year-old Scott



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Mystery Newsletter dated September 9 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: These are good beginning chapters of this piece where you've grabbed reader interest in what is happening to your main character.

Characters: You've done a good job of showing Paul through his thoughts, dreams and actions.

Dialog: The small amount of dialog used is realistic for the circumstances.

Grammar & Punctuation: When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Suggest checking for the missing apostrophe in contractions, i.e., "let's".

Only one punctuation mark, either a exclamation point or a question mark – should be used at the end of a sentence, not both.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ corner of the room to my right hand side. '
Suggest: corner of the room to my right-hand side.

In this phrase, ‘ Maybe I’ll sit back on against the wall '
Suggest: Maybe I’ll sit back against the wall

In this phrase, ‘ behind me that nearly jumped out of my skin.'
Suggest: behind me that I nearly jumped out of my skin.

In this phrase, ‘ But that wasn’t where I new him from,'
Suggest: But that wasn’t where I knew him from,

In this phrase, ‘ “Come on Paul, You know who I am, '
Suggest: “Come on, Paul, you know who I am,

In this phrase, ‘ he smiled “We’ve so much to do...lets go.” '
Suggest: he smiled. “We’ve so much to do...let's go.”

In this phrase, ‘ man continued polish and examine every single one of them.'
Suggest: man continued to polish and examine every single one of them.

In this sentence, ‘ Can anybody here me?" '
Suggest: Can anybody hear me?"



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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Review of The Anaconda  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Horror/Scary Newsletter dated September 9 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a delightfully funny little piece that I thoroughly enjoyed. I can certainly relate to the narrator's predicament.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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387
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Authors Newsletter dated September 9 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a good descriptive piece of this place and the activities going on there.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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388
Review of Moose  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Short Stories Newsletter dated September 3 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a really cute story. Congratulations on your win!

Characters: You have done a good job of showing Jimmy through his actions in his hapless, and rather helpless, struggle to control Moose. I could certainly relate.

Dialog: Dialog feels natural.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ The three year old St. Bernard dragged Jimmy '
Suggest: The three-year-old St. Bernard dragged Jimmy



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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Review of Rabbit King  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Short Stories Newsletter dated September 3 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a delightful and fascinating story where you've demonstrated quite an imagination.

Characters: You've done a good job of characterizing Gerald through his words and actions.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and seems natural.

Grammar & Punctuation: When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ Gerald had insisted that the rabbit stayed in his room. '
Suggest: Gerald had insisted that the rabbit stay in his room.

In this phrase, ‘ ‘It’s a bit pricey love,’ /
Suggest: ‘It’s a bit pricey, love,’

In this sentence, ‘ ‘He really needs it Mum, or he wont be big enough.’ '
Suggest: ‘He really needs it, Mum, or he won't be big enough.’

In this phrase, ‘ shopping to his Mum she brought back the cheapest lettuce '
Suggest: shopping to his Mum, she brought back the cheapest lettuce

In this phrase, ‘ ‘You’re so clever with him aren’t you? '
Suggest: ‘You’re so clever with him, aren’t you?

In this phrase, ‘ a high pitched sound that cut through the hall. '
Suggest: a high-pitched sound that cut through the hall.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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390
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Romance/Love Newsletter dated September 3 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very moving story where the ending brought tears to my eyes.

Characters: You did an excellent job of showing both of your characters - Kathleen through her thoughts and words, Keven through his actions and words.

Dialog: Dialog is realisitic and seems natural.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Suggest eliminating the parentheses and, if the information contained adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.

Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.

You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Grammar & Punctuation: In the title, should it be "Guarding"?

When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ shrieks of panic from the 10 or so passengers, '
Suggest: shrieks of panic from the ten or so passengers,

In this phrase, ‘ “This is you pilot. '
Suggest: “This is your pilot.

In this sentence, ‘ “Are you okay Kathleen?” '
Suggest: “Are you okay, Kathleen?”

In this phrase, ‘ her husband's since of direction was accurate '
Suggest: her husband's sense of direction was accurate

In this phrase, ‘ they understand they single tear gently down her cheek. '
Suggest: they understand the single tear gently sliding down her cheek.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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Review of The Garden  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Romance/Love Newsletter dated September 3 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful love story, but it really doesn't pull on the reader's heart strings. I think that may be at least partly due to the fact that neither of the main characters are named.

Characters: Rather than tell us what the characters did and how they acted, suggest you show it with scenes of their lives as they live through their troubles. Let us in on their thoughts and their conversations.

Dialog: No dialog is utilized.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ a beautiful two-story colonial style home '
Suggest: a beautiful two-story colonial-style home

In this phrase, ‘ move to their summer condo a long the coast and retire.'
Suggest: move to their summer condo along the coast and retire.

In this phrase, ‘ it was bound to take a turn for the worst.'
Suggest: it was bound to take a turn for the worse.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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392
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: This is a very nice poem that does an excellent job of describing that guiding Inner Voice and our confusion as to whether or not to follow it.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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393
393
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Newbie Short Story Works List and was intrigued by the title.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting little piece that really shows an "abnormal" mind at work. It does, however, leave openings for expansion as to Richard's history and the whole story of his "problem". This seems to be more of a monologue than of an actual story.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ all the way to when I was 3 years old. '
Suggest: all the way to when I was three years old.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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394
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Newbie Short Story Works List and was intrigued by the title.

General Impressions: This is an interesting first chapter although I did find the sudden turn around in the General's behavior, and even perhaps personality, a bit disconcerting.

Characters: Azre comes across at first through her actions and thoughts as a bit resentful of her assignment though she seems intent upon fulfilling her mission. In the last few paragraphs, she seems too quick to trust the "enemy" who could be acting and turning completely away from her original goal.

Dialog: Dialog seems believable under the circumstances.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.

Suggest eliminating the use of the same word within the same sentence or close by using another word or rephrasing.

Grammar & Punctuation: When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ It was a daunting tast, '
Suggest: It was a daunting task,

In this phrase, ‘ 'This mission was a fools quest,' '
Suggest: 'This mission was a fool's quest,'

In this phrase, ‘ It was an assasination orginization '
Suggest: It was an assassination organization

In this phrase, ‘ using the said persons money to buy back the land.'
Suggest: using the said person's money to buy back the land.

In this phrase, ‘ were the eyes of a well trained killer. '
Suggest: were the eyes of a well-trained killer.

In this phrase, ‘ "Come now my dear, '
Suggest: "Come now, my dear,

In this sentence, ‘ She let out a high pitched laugh.'
Suggest: She let out a high-pitched laugh.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Mystery Newsletter dated September 3 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a terrific story that give the reader a great insight into a different culture.

Characters: You have done a good job in developing all of the main characters and showing them through their words and actions.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and feels natural.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ but we knew how to make through the gaps.'
Suggest: but we knew how to make it through the gaps.

In this phrase, ‘ excuse, “Could I have Prachi’s address Sir?” '
Suggest: excuse, “Could I have Prachi’s address, Sir?”

In this sentence, ‘ But, you had a friend my dear. '
Suggest: But, you had a friend, my dear.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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Review of The End of Summer  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very moving story that brought tears to my eyes.

Characters: You have shown Lois as a beautiful and caring woman through her words and her actions.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and seems natural.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ The thirty foot high pilings supporting '
Suggest: The thirty-foot-high pilings supporting

In this sentence, ‘ “Wilma, lets talk about this. '
Suggest: “Wilma, let's talk about this.

In this phrase, ‘ as she preened and watered them. '
Suggest: as she pruned and watered them.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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397
397
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very sad piece of that sometimes seemingly fruitless search for that very special person. I think all of us have probably had those feelings at one time or another.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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398
398
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a thought-provoking poem. I like the way that it ends with a note of encouragement and an upbeat feeling to it.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this line, ‘ Further more, how some just give up! '
Suggest: Furthermore, how some just give up!


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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Review of Live It Up  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting poem that seems to begin on a rather bitter note, yet ends much more positive and upbeat.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest you insert apostrophes in the contractions, possessives and wherever else a letter may be omitted.

Specific Suggestions:
In this line, ‘ but even if you dont its just beyond your grasp '
Suggest: but even if you don't it's just beyond your grasp

In this line, ‘ it just isnt fair that they're playin their own game '
Suggest: it just isn't fair that they're playin' their own game

In this line, ‘ your not alone in that scene '
Suggest: you're not alone in that scene


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful little poem that brought back a lot of memories. A porch swing was just a part of life back then and you've captured the relaxing, peaceful feelings very nicely.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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