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Review of into the unknown  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very interesting "arguement" that you put forth here. In the first paragraph you make a very good case for remaining in the World of Dreams. However, in the second you seems to be struggling against its pull, not really wanting to be there. Very interesting contrast.

Grammar & Punctuation: Only one suggestion.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ I can be who ever I want to be, '
Suggest: I can be whoever I want to be,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I'm reviewing your story today as part of the Rising Star Member-to-Member Program.

General Impressions: This is a really cute piece where you've done a very good job with a few amount of words.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo

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Review of Grande  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I'm reviewing your story today as part of the Rising Star Member-to-Member Program.

General Impressions: This is a very good story of a very important day in a man's dreary life. You might want to tightening up, especially the beginning, a bit to improve the flow.

Characters: You have done an excellent job of portraying Seamore, getting his personality across through his thoughts and his actions.

Dialog: The little dialog utilized is realistic and feels natural.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ summarize this month's quotas, kay? '
Suggest: summarize this month's quotas, 'kay?

In this phrase, ‘ fresh funnel cake lathered in maple syrup. '
Suggest: fresh funnel cake slathered in maple syrup.
or
Suggest: fresh funnel cake dripping in maple syrup.

In this phrase, ‘ A few year later, Seamore would bury his dog '
Suggest: A few years later, Seamore would bury his dog

In this phrase, ‘ if he did not did it now, '
Suggest: if he did not do it now,

In this phrase, ‘ Seamore gaged he would probably die '
Suggest: Seamore gauged he would probably die

In this phrase, ‘ grinding the head of the gun painfully into his temple. '
Suggest: grinding the barrel of the gun painfully into his temple.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo

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Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, George, Jaye here. I'm reviewing this piece at your request.

General Impressions: George, this is an excellent story and your beginning is fabulous. It grabs the reader's attention and drags him/her right into the story.

Characters: You have done a very good job of portraying your two main characters through their thoughts, words and actions.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and feels natural.

Format: You may want to check the Public View as I think some line breaks aren’t where you intended.

Grammar & Punctuation: Only a couple of suggestions.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ her favorites, Hey there Little Red Riding Hood. '
Suggest: You might want to put this is quotes as you did the Johnny Cash lyrics earlier.

In this phrase, ‘ she brushed her hand across the pleats of her skirt. '
Suggest: The poodle skirts from the 50s that I remember were circular felt with the poodler applique.

In this sentence, ‘ Larry smiled, petted Gwen on the shoulder. '
Suggest: Larry smiled, patted Gwen on the shoulder.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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Review of Fiery Red Hair  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful little story that covers so much time and living in such a few short words. Very well done.

Characters: You have done an excellent job of showing the lady from her youth through her old age and how she felt about each stage she passed through.

Dialog: No dialog is utilized, but none seems needed.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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Review of Mental Circus  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: This is a very interesting poem that, once one thinks about it and the blog application, makes perfect sense. Well done.

Grammar & Punctuation: In the description you might want to add an apostrophe in "revelry's" and a space between it and sorrow.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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357
357
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: This is a very sweet poem of that special feeling between two people. Nicely done.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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Review of My Life  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful, and very moving poem, that does a good job of getting across your unusual position. Well done.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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Review of Crossroad  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very moving poem that paints a graphic picture of "life on the streets" and offers a way of hope to those who might want to go a different way. Well done.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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Review of Death is Life  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: You have a very interesting message here although the mood seems a little bleak, if not depressing.

Grammar & Punctuation: The pronoun "I" should always be capitalized.

Suggest making sure to put apostrophes when using contractions.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ When theyre shattered, its the end of the world, '
Suggest: When they're shattered, it's the end of the world,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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361
361
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This sounds as if it would be a truly interesting life as the subject of a biography. However, I would suggest that you do more showing through the scenes of her life than merely telling the reader what happened to her and when.

Characters: The main character could be much better defined so that the reader understands her unique position and how she feels about her surroundings.

Dialog: Little dialog is employed.

Format: Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ say to her “have you done your homework Jessica?” '
Suggest: say to her, “Have you done your homework, Jessica?”

In this phrase, ‘ Jessie actually hitch hiked around Europe '
Suggest: Jessie actually hitchhiked around Europe

In this phrase, ‘ being around a woman with a wheel chair and the wheel chair is rather loud.'
Suggest: being around a woman with a wheelchair and the wheelchair is rather loud.
or
Suggest: being around a woman with a wheelchair and it is rather loud.

In this phrase, ‘ She loves to read, at least 2 books per month '
Suggest: She loves to read, at least two books per month


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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Review of Thoughts on life  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: This piece offers some very good advice and encouragement for those who are searching, or wishing, for something other than who they are.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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Review of Silent Seduction  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: This is a terrific little piece that conjures up feelings of desire, barely hidden passion and contentment.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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364
Review of Music of Love  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful poem that leaves a feeling of warmth and happiness. Well done.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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365
365
Review of Seasons  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting way of depicting the changing of the seasons, giving the activities of each.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this line, ‘ This Process With Go On,'
Suggest: This Process Will Go On,

In this line, ‘ As Long As Where Here,'
Suggest: As Long As We're Here,

In this line, ‘ Cherashing Seasons,'
Suggest: Cherishing Seasons,

In this line, ‘ No Different Then Years.
Suggest: No Different Than Years.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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366
Review of Fear  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: I found this piece very confusing. In the first three stanzas it appears that a person attacked dies of his injuries. The last two segments are what confuses me. I think it's the phrase "the man grimly slaves on" that throws me off kilter.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: This is a really cute card for a really cute li'l guy. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this line, ‘ They span the land, working as they go, in a well equipped green bus.'
Suggest: They span the land, working as they go, in a well-equipped green bus.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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368
368
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Request Reviews Page and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very good beginning that certainly grabs reader interest in the characters and the challenge they face.

Characters: You did a good job of introducing your characters and arousing interest in their problems.

Dialog: Dialog seems natural.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.

Grammar & Punctuation: When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Specific Suggestions:
In this sentence, ‘ "What's wrong honey?" '
Suggest: "What's wrong, honey?"

In this phrase, ‘ hadn’t changed was her mint green eyes. '
Suggest: hadn’t changed was her mint-green eyes.

In this phrase, ‘ some of your home cooked breakfast. '
Suggest: some of your home-cooked breakfast.

In this phrase, ‘ It had a wrap around porch, '
Suggest: It had a wrap-around porch,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Request Reviews Page and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a really chilling story that grabs reader interest in the beginning and doesn't let it go until the end - yet we still wonder.

Characters: You did a good job of depicting Mani through his thoughts and his struggles with his fear and his desire to believe as the others did.

Dialog: Dialog is believable and feels natural.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation: When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Specific Suggestions:
In this sentence, ‘ “Do you believe Jeremi? '
Suggest: “Do you believe, Jeremi?

In this sentence, ‘ The God gave us life Mani! '
Suggest: The God gave us life, Mani!

In this sentence, ‘ He did believe didn’t he? '
Suggest: He did believe, didn’t he?


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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370
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Request Reviews Page and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a really chilling story, though I would like to know more about Anna and how she ended up in such dire straights.

Characters: You did a good job of showing Anna primarily through her thoughts. I, too, had difficulty is discerning what was real and what wasn't.

Dialog: Dialog is believable under the circumstances.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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371
371
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Request Reviews Page and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a good story of a renewed faith, though I would suggest an additional proofread.

Characters: You did a good job of portraying Marissa through her words and actions.

Dialog: Dialog is believable.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ dimly in a pitch black sky, and not a light shown in any of the dark houses '
Suggest: dimly in a pitch-black sky, and not a light shone in any of the dark houses

In this phrase, ‘ disturb any other of the slumbering houses. '
Suggest: disturb any of the other slumbering houses.

In this phrase, ‘ gloom with a white iron gate surrounding it, '
Suggest: gloom with a white iron fence surrounding it,

In this phrase, ‘ but fear and anguish dwelt tin her heart '
Suggest: but fear and anguish dwelt in her heart

In this sentence, ‘ “He has pasted through the fever well. '
Suggest: “He has passed through the fever well.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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Review of The Lonesome Task  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Request Reviews Page and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is an interesting story that takes a twist on an old legend. It does, however, need some additional editing.

Characters: You did a good job of personfying Death, essentially showing the "good side".

Dialog: What little dialog utilized seems believable under the circumstances.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest a thorough proofread and edit, looking for the sort of things listed below.

Watch for confusion between "your", possessive, and "you're", contraction for "you are".

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ the area had a eerie glow to them.'
Suggest: the area had a eerie glow to it.

In this phrase, ‘ outpost without a moments hesitation. '
Suggest: outpost without a moment's hesitation.

In this phrase, ‘ giving the house a crescent smell. '
Suggest: Using another word other than "crescent".

In this phrase, ‘ despite the the life he furiously clung too. '
Suggest: despite the life he furiously clung to.
or
Suggest: despite the life to which he furiously clung.

In this phrase, ‘ whiteness of his stone like skin, '
Suggest: whiteness of his stone-like skin,

In this phrase, ‘ just to guide you're soul to comfort.” '
Suggest: just to guide your soul to comfort.”

In this phrase, ‘ seemed to cross the painters face, '
Suggest: seemed to cross the painter's face,



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbies Short Story Works List and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting scenario. However, a short story should contain a beginning where the protagonist is introduced along with his/her problem; a middle where the problem is worked on; and, an ending where some resolution is obtained, be it winning or losing the battle.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ absorbing a well formed bicep, '
Suggest: absorbing a well-formed bicep,

In this phrase, ‘ or chose the high road, '
Suggest: or choose the high road,



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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374
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbies Short Story Works List and was intrigued by the title.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very moving story that puts a whole new perspective on this legend. Good job.

Characters: You did a good job of showing the boy trying to duplicate his father's work without really understanding what was being done or why.

Dialog: Dialog seems realistic and believable.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ his other friends making more of other funny looking things '
Suggest: his other friends making more of other funny-looking things

In this phrase, ‘ Let the self claimed king '
Suggest: Let the self-claimed king

In this sentence, ‘ It was quiet a bloody sight. '
Suggest: It was quite a bloody sight.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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375
375
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbies Short Story Works List and was intrigued by the title.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting piece that some additional description of the new war machines would enhance. You might also want to tighten up the beginning introduction to smooth out the flow.

Characters: Characters are not fully developed so that the reader can really relate to them. This applies primarily to Alex who seems to be the main character here.

Dialog: Dialog is believable under these circumstances.

Format: When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.

Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ and even Iran without consulting it's leaders. '
Suggest: and even Iran without consulting their leaders.

In this phrase, ‘ because they brought piece to the area, they owned it and it's resources. '
Suggest: because they brought peace to the area, they owned it and its resources.

In this phrase, ‘ The United states of America has been named '
Suggest: The United States of America has been named

In this phrase, ‘ They would also later send a request for help from South America, '
Suggest: They would also later send a request for help to South America,

In this phrase, ‘ 27 years passed '
Suggest: Twenty-seven years passed

In this phrase, ‘ but i'm sure I can tell when we are in danger." '
Suggest: but I'm sure I can tell when we are in danger."

In this phrase, ‘ He finally took his eyes of Alex '
Suggest: He finally took his eyes off Alex

In this phrase, ‘ "I meant n-no disrespect sir but we have better things '
Suggest: "I meant n-no disrespect, sir, but we have better things



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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