This is a gorgeous poem. The smells and colors - crimson red with roses. And her lips! At least I took it as a her. Heartfelt. All of this is very red. I thought of a red dress, with red wine. Just red. And you know what, that is beautiful. That color is not usually experienced in poetry around here, and you stuck to a specific form.
Very well done. I got the wow factor so five stars.
I'd first like to say this is a journal entry more than an essay. But I wanted to share something with you. The last job I had was a dream corporate job. Making 40k a year with just a high school diploma, I was working on business IT environments in a datacenter. The work was stressful and I was miserable. They saw many people falling asleep in their cubicle, so my company provided monster energy drinks. We would drink those like candy to stay awake because for the most part, everything worked. Eventually I was so miserable I couldn't show to work on time if at all. I was fired. It was business.
I lost my apartment, my car, and my fiance. But it was for the better though. I'm much happier right now making less money. I don't want to work in the corporate world, I learned that much. I guess there is a possibility that there is a corporate job that I would like, but I have no desire to find it. In essence, I have felt your pain.
Life will get better.
On a writing criticism note, I felt it was very factual and brief. I also felt the sentences were very choppy because they were short. Maybe consider bringing some together to make the over flow work better. It isn't really a grammar thing, it is more of a style and tone thing. And honestly, it was too short. If you have to, add some detail and imagery to the work.
I'll give you a decent rating for sticking to a particular form. But in my honest opinion, Haiku is lazy and lacking. I just can't take it seriously if the construction consists of three lines. That is too artsy for me. I guess that makes me a modernist? I have no idea.
It was a good realization though. The meteor travels for so long, and there is only one moment to experience it, and then it is gone forever.
This poem seriously gave me the wow factor. How you rhymed your lines consistently while providing adequate meaning was really well done. I also felt that the lines weren't forced to rhyme, that it naturally flowed that way.
You have a gift with words. Keep writing, and keep getting better.
I clicked on random review and I came here. I would say this is a brief article on writing style, which is okay. There was some good basic information on what really is someone's style. I will say with my limited understanding of grammar, that the sentences ending with, " , too." Is not grammatically correct. I know commas are used for natural pauses, but they also connect clauses. I do not think "too" by itself justifies as being a clause. I just thought it would be more accurate to remove the commas. Just an observation.
I struggle with the long term process of writing. I'm more prone to instant gratification, so that means I am impatient. I want that first publishing experience. But I am learning that it takes time, and we just have to write.
Thanks for the article, but I think there could be an expansion of exactly what style is. Style is how we express ourselves with the written word, but what does that really mean?
Really good poem. I liked how you used the imagery of the bird symbolizing her growing up. I really liked how she was talking to her parents, saying she followed what they taught her. And really, that is something that a lot of healthy individuals end up doing. In my case, I am ashamed of my father and proud of my mother. I listen to my mother, and my father has lost all credibility. It was nice for me to read about a life that cares what both parents have to say.
I will say one thing.
"Was cool" totally sucked all the wind that was building up. The intensity of the poem went way down when that line comes in. I would seriously consider rewording or rewriting that completely. But the rest of the poem is very strong.
I really like the English tanka. It speeds up and slows down as you read it, and it forces a pause. I really like it.
I thought your story was well written. I understood each stanza clearly. I will say there is a {/center} randomly at the end, and I think it is a typo. But I'm not going to put that against your rating.
I didn't get the wow! factor. So four stars. Very nicely done.
I know you are doing a specific form of a poem, but I would highly recommend adding more to the poem. It was only one stanza, it showed me some imagery and a butterfly coming near. The experience just lacks.
The vocabulary used in this poem is very generic and non-descriptive. It wouldn't hurt to be more descriptive in general either. But try and come up with descriptive ways to portray images and feeling. That is what grabs readers into poetry, is the overall feeling while reading the work.
To me, this was more of a story than a poem. It was just a story that rhymed.
Keep in mind this is only one person's opinion. Keep writing!
First good job. I thought the character was interesting. I was able to have an idea why he would want to wait till his death, but, at the same time I don't. But I guess it might be better than self-destruction over what isn't right. But then again, that is probably more realistic than someone just waiting at a graveyard.
That was one of the problems that I had with this poem, was the main character wasn't believable. I know it is fictitious, but there has to be some realism to the fictitious realm. All I am saying.
Also on lines four and five you have the same word, eternity. From what I gather from writing in general, you don't want to be repetitious. If there is anyway you could either describe or replace with another word for eternity I think that would really help the beginning of the poem. Repetition in poetry is usually used to emphasize something, not used to describe the same thing. That is what I am trying to say.
And lastly, how this poem was organized, it read very choppy. When you have such a low syllable count on each line, eventually you have this choppy effect. If you want that, then keep it. There is no punctuation to guide the reader, which again, adds to this choppiness. And frankly, choppy is not flow. The desired effect I would think of most poets would to have this flow with their writing. I didn't get any of that with this one.
But keep at it! I say these things with the sincere intentions that it will help you become a better writer. I hope it does! Keep writing!
Describing cold with an echo is just really cool. Overall I wanted to say you did a really good job with this. The thoughts of someone who works at a funeral home out with the graves - it brings a level of creepiness to it.
This poem is daring on two main levels. One, the concept that it is talking about is a very philosophical statement. It is a statement about society and reality, and what happens to the average individual. You make it clear, that you do not accept certain things by changing the word we to you. I will say this though. Is if a person is merely existing and conforming to society and not really expanding their minds or voicing out, just merely existing, I would argue that they did not know that they accepted those conditions. They are literally so ignorant, that they do not know that they accepted ignorance over everything else. Just my two cents.
The other daring thing this poem does is the format of the poem. I've never seen anything like it. I'm not saying I have read so much poetry etc. but I have read enough to know that is pretty unique. Considering that the meter is way off on some lines based upon length, the repetition does bring some consistency but the meter changes did make it awkward at some parts. I would consider making multi-lined stanzas to help the meter be closer together, making the flow of the poem a little better. If you have to talk about the specifics of what you are trying to convey, or illustrate what you are trying to convey, then I would do so. Adding more to this poem would not take away with what you are trying to say.
The punctuation made it work. So nice job.
I thought this was well written, but I think the structure is very unique. I'm going to give you four stars simply because I don't feel right rating against something I haven't seen before. The poem had its effect on me, albeit we have our differences on the substance of the poem. Nice job!
First I will start on something that I am not rating you on. I firmly disagree with your stance to look at the world with a "simple" minded attitude. Because simply, there are things that are complex in this world. And, if you over simplify certain things, the perception will be inaccurate. This is why children should feel empowered to figure things out, no matter the complexity. Sure, some things will be too complex. But if they take that attitude, they would surely grasp the simple things in life.
With that said, I think there is for sure one key problem I had with this poem. The second stanza. I had to reread that stanza like five times to get a general meaning of what you were trying to say. Considering it is a children's poem, I think if it were me I would re-write that stanza completely. To roll off of my back is easier to get and flows better than to not roll off my back. Because why, you are giving the message that keeping things simple empowers you across these obstacles. So things, should roll off of your back.
You kept the same rhyming scheme and format throughout the entire poem. I think that is really good for children's poetry.
This is a really beautiful poem. I love the lines "Our lives sow kindness And warmth into a fortress." I thought that was very creative and very well done. I felt the vocabulary was superb, and is beyond the "generic" vocabulary of other poems. Having something so strong to take you through life is such a wonderful thing.
Honestly I don't think you really need to change anything. I would keep it as it is.
This was a joy to read. It was great to experience someone else's childhood Christmas story. I have a very similar story, except I didn't turn anything on and I went to sleep right next to the tree. It is one of my most cherished memories of Christmas. So I can sympathize with the various emotions a child goes through on the eve before Christmas.
To the writing. I think there was good enough detail to make the story come alive. But I think if you were to really lay out what the Christmas tree room looked like, including the decorations, would really make it come alive. I think the story really centers around that area, so I think it would just be something to consider adding.
The work overall is good. I liked how it is pure memory, and not necessarily any dialogue was shared which may entail that you don't remember the exact dialogue. Or there could not of been none. But I like that. And I think this story reaches in all of us, our childhood memories about this wonderful time of the year.
Maybe I shouldn't say this, but I thought there was some humor to this. If this happened in real life I am dreadfully sorry, but I sort of read it in a lighter tone than maybe it was intended. Not sure though. I thought that the ending was very clever on how a token of appreciation can ask the same question as the trials of life. I also liked the change in meter. It was consistent throughout the poem and the speeding up of the meter lead to the infamous, "why me?"
The one thing that I noticed with this poem, is that there is never really any showing but just telling. I understand this is a poem and not a short story or novel, but I feel poetry can still provide windows in not only events, but descriptive feelings, and general imagery using all the senses. This I felt was missed in this poem. I understand you may have done it intentionally, but it in my opinion it creates a well written, but unimpactful poem. I didn't really feel anything except some humor. Sorry again if this all happened in real life, I am just being honest.
I think to make it better would to bring some of these events more to life if you could. If you added detail, the anger and despair of why me would increasingly be felt. And instead of finding humor at the end, the reader would get the warm feeling inside in sharing the emotion of finding 600 dollars. That is where I am coming from.
Well I certainly did laugh at the very end. The poem does justice though, because chicken wings are so good! The intense passion towards chicken wings was indeed funny. I will also say I thought it was very well written. The non-generic vocabulary describing feelings, anticipation, and heat.
Honestly this is a great piece. If I were you I would put this in one of your collections of one to remember always. Nice job.
This poem is not only well written but is very thought provoking. I had to read it about three times, but I am more comfortable grabbing a meaning for me from this poem. That in this evolution of knowledge, and of values, we come to the realization that previous perceptions were not accurate. I might go as far as to say some of the human practices being allowed today have jeopardized the entire society, or, hive. And that we work like bees to ensure the engine of what makes our society work work. Like how bees tend to the hive, and the hive survives! So it is this action of the people that bring the conditions that force people to fix our hive.
That is what I got at least. I'm not sure if that is accurate at all.
But as you can tell, I like poems that make me think, and yours definitely made me think. It wasn't so artsy and out there that I felt the meaning of it can be obtained if I put some thought into it. I also like the facts that were at the beginning of the poem. I liked how you have four lined stanzas because that brings a level of consistency and rhythm with your poetry.
It worked. I was captivated and the poem instilled me to read it again and again. Nicely done.
Very well written. The first thing that comes to mind is I was taught when doing a formal essay is to refrain from the first and second point of view. Just a small thing to consider. I thought you did a good job explaining the different viewpoints. My personal beliefs, is that God created a self-evolving and self-sustaining system. So I guess I would be in the super naturalist category. I'm actually going to write an essay after I read this book, but this book is on neuroscience and the idea of determinism and free will. The determinists believe that the brain is biochemical and physical in nature, and therefore can one day literally be described by using a system of algorithms. It takes human behavior and fits it into the Naturalist perspective. The input is external stimuli and the output is human behavior. Our brains are independent factories due to different genes, environments, and experiences.
But I see your main thesis with this essay and it is sound. You cannot trust a method that focuses on obtaining truth in our natural world will ever prove or even disprove a God. Unless some method is found out to learn more about the supernatural, which may never happen for multiple reasons, the person who relies on empirical evidence only will never practice faith.
I thought the writing and grammar were spot on. I thought the italics emphasized the writing nicely. But in my mind because the talk of God is supernatural no one will ever know for sure until they die.
I just wanted to say good job! And we all have our trials. I know some are more hard than others. I myself have had some pretty hard times, but I do not think you are looking for pity. You just wanted to put your story out there, because it was aching to be let out. But know that many, many, people have had hard tribulations in their lives. You aren't alone. Maybe you can meet someone that went through a similar thing, but I'm sure if you don't, you can find people that will be there for you. You just gotta tell your story.
It was good. The story captivated and brought me into the intimate thinking of the little girl. I figured it was you. What really hit me home was that you wanted to fill that void with love. For me, it was love and drugs. And it ruined my life, and I am picking myself up right now. But you made me think, I had this void. But why? That is for me to figure out. You helped me realize what to ask.
See! You have already made an impact with your story.
I will say this. I do plan to write a poem similar to this, a poem of my story, but the different "Parts" I think tread on the flow of the poem. It makes it choppy. I realize you are jumping all over the place in setting, but if you want to make this poem stand out even more, then I would try and create transitional stanzas in place of the "Parts." I know that makes things significantly harder, but your poem would read like a rhyming story, and I think it would be more engrossive and a better reading experience. But if you are satisfied with how things are, then obviously keep it the same. Don't change a thing. I think this poem is more for you, express to others what you have been through. Ultimately it is yours, and if you don't change a thing, you still have a very original and powerful poem.
I didn't need your explanation to get the poem. I'm surprised people didn't really understand it. The old-english I felt was a good take on the worm's snootyness if that is such a word. I picture two mean drinking tea in Britain.
Seriously though, the poem was a good diversion for me, and it was humorous and entertaining. I was kind of bummed out that it was short, but the joke was solid at the end. It's annoying to enjoy poetry for me, because I always want the good poems to last longer. Yours was one of them. Also, it kind of had a tone of a children's story, which I think is a good thing.
I thought this poem was very unique. The structure I have not seen before, but you did keep it consistent. I thought that your poem read like a story, but it did still feel like a poem. One thing that I think took away from the poem what your highlight of the ball words. I see that you stated snowball, butterball, and paint ball, but honestly why? If there is some symbolism captured here I do not get it, and I don't think I could get it considering the length of this poem. Did you just want to highlight the fact that you used similar adjectives? In my honest opinion it wasn't necessary. That is me though.
I thought it was a good story. The vocabulary used brought a depth of description to the poem that was sublime.
I must say though, at some points in the beginning of the poem, the flow was very awkward. I had to start over and read it again slowly, in order for me to somewhat experience what you wanted me to experience. The punctuation allowed me to pause longer when used, so it did have an effect.
Good job with the form. But I must say I think the form itself cut you short. I think the poem ended abruptly but I understand there was a specific structure you were going for. This is more evidence to my personal opinion, that I think to force a structure on a poem forces what is said and what needs to be said does not fully be expressed. But, I understand you might like swannets, so I can't really put my personal opinion when reviewing someone's work. I think there are two main things I would criticize:
1.) The ended seems so sudden. If there is anyway you can change that while keeping a swannet then you should do it. It could be argued that a swannet is not adequate for what you are trying to express.
2.) In the second stanza, "sight" and "foresight" i had to reread simply because I perceived there was a break in the structure. I think the reason why is because one word is one syllable and the other is two. So "sight" and "right" is an obvious example. If this is not a big deal to you, then don't worry about it. I just thought I would let you know.
I really like how you made Grief a character. I think this story as it develops will be showing the purpose and role of grief. And it will be shown like that of a person, which I think is a very original idea. From the short writing that I read, I thought if flowed well and I didn't pick up any typos or grammar issues.
You also feel as a reader the desperate situation, and painful situation, that Katy is in. And Grief was there for her. Grief was described well, and certain aspects, most notably, the important aspects of rooms were detailed out, which is good. I know too much detail could be a bad thing, but you could really get into the images of the story, to really bring it out. But what you have done so far, flows nicely and I was able to have distinct images in my head. Combine that with a clever idea, and you got a great story.
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