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1
1
Review of Vandal Eyes  
Review by 777
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I don't give out many five star reviews, and it isn't because I like talking to you.

That poem was incredible. The imagery, I mean the description was great. Fury protecting butterflies. That's some good stuff. And how the poem comes around in a full circle at the end. In that moment, in being in the most...blackened places of society, and realizing what it consists of and why it occurs....

Just well done. I'm surprised people have turned you down for publishing. If your poem is 40 lines or lower there a poetry contest on this website, the Shadows and Light poetry contest. You can submit it there, because if I were you I would. I already submitted something, first time in years, and I know I won't make it if you participate.

Keep writing. You'll get published one day.


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2
2
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
First off, awesome stuff.

"Who walk, eyes wide, on blistered knees" vs. "Who walk, eyes wide, on blistering knees"

Blistering knees sounds better with amputees. Past tense vs. present. There is a mixture of both in this piece, war that ended in the past, but also the present consequences of it. I think it would be a cool effect to have the amputees, having their sores be in the act of blistering, rather than blistered. Horrible thing to talk about, and I don't mean to disrespect the dead, but it is something to consider.

Okay, again this is my way of doing things, and I'm using your poem as like a premade canvas. But I think with the echo word, you should emphasize it. This is how I would write it:

"No echo." Nothing after because it brings a sense of silence. Just a thought.

"A voice, a ball, a memory
Dissolved, the vocal history
Of cafe, corner, cousin's house." Beautiful.

With a falling bomb and shooting star, one might consider just saying shooting star, and letting the reader piece the puzzle together. Just a thought.

"Snap the shot before it's lost" vs "Snap shot before it's lost"

On your closing line, "Of one soul's dying innocence", this could be me misunderstanding....but....can't someone or something still be innocent when dying? I can see how you would say but the innocence is lost by just being apart of just a horrific act. But I am picturing a small boy. Yes he saw stuff that no human should ever see, but he's still a boy, you know? So I am a little confused. But if you understand it for yourself that is what counts.

Two things I want to say.

I don't normally review this way. I'm putting more input because I feel more comfortable. I always say you can either take it or leave it. I hope I didn't anger you, but those were things that I felt could of made the poem better. The poem is good. It's your first piece and it is by far better than a lot of what some veterans on this site write. And you are an avid writer, so you would understand, but people need to read as well as write. I feel like people on this website think all you have to do is write over and over and over again. It does help improvement, but you would be more efficient at reading. That is how I feel at least. If someone told me that when I started, that would of saved a lot of time.

In the end I am sounding like I have the experience here, but in reality you do. You've been writing a lot more than I have over the years, I've just been on this site.

Good stuff, when you write more I will review more.


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3
3
Review of Graveyard of Time  
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Okay first, the opening and the ending was really well written. The font, please change. It's really hard to read. Honestly I don't see why people mess with the font.

The old woman, and the baby, made sense somewhat when you introduced the baby, but they seem random in the reading. When you brought in an old woman I was like..."wtf." I read on, and it made more sense. In the obvious way to suggest a fix, would to be to write something more transitional for when you bring up the old woman, or people for that matter. How you would do it, I am unsure.

The ending was really good. Overall it was good, but the old woman and baby seemed intrusive.

Write on!


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4
4
Review of Epiphanies  
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This should be more journaling or a blog post, and not an essay. I understand that you may not have had the right choice through WDC to describe what you wrote.

They are good thoughts, and good stories. And it's informal, I felt like there wasn't much effort put into the writing - rather it was just putting thoughts onto paper, or e-paper in this instance. That's fine, and if you write that way continually you will get better but at a slower pace, compared to someone who reads and writes, and puts more effort. So in this case, I would say that making the piece formal, would be putting it in the right direction.

Keep writing!


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5
5
Review of Beauty of Bozeman  
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a fantastic poem. I keep reviewing people and saying, be more descriptive, something, to entice some sort of emotion!

But you definitely did that. The rhyme scheme was consistent, and it flowed really well. Your syllable counts felt right on.

I loved the description of beautiful earth, and then you go to asphalt, and it felt like humanity was contaminating nature. At least that is how I felt.

I also wanted to say that your writing is concise, which is really good. You want to have the maximum amount of potency with the least amount of words. That allows more potency per line. Some writers write poetry like it is a short story sort of. It doesn't sound right. Yours sounded right.

Great work, really. Five stars.


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6
6
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a wonderful poem. I took it as the Chaos being the younger one, while the older one was comfort. I believe we all miss that. That spontaneity, that fire of life. It was really well written when you took the reader from describing another person, to being a person inside of her. That was well done.

I will say, at some points more syllables were good, but there were points that really stood out, with words that were unnecessary.

First line, sometimes. It gives it a feel of a story rather than a poem telling a story.
And on the fourth line.
And on the last line of the second stanza.
Like on the second line of the third stanza.

Some of these words, or syllables, could be re-used in another way, hopefully that is more descriptive. These words in my opinion are unnecessary, but if you want the syllable count, maybe put it somewhere else to add description and feeling.

That's what I strive to do if I am not cramming down poetry in 100 in 100. Try to be as concise as possible, and it really pushes you to use more descriptive vocabulary. And depending upon how dedicated you are to your writing, you will start to read more and more poetry, expanding your knowledge of the art.

It was well written, except for the words that just really lacked meaning and taking space.

Good job! Keep writing!


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7
7
Review of World Peace  
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
The good things. First, the description was very well done. I could actually see what was going on. I liked the structure of the poem. Yes, the last stanza has 7 lines, but it is fitting considering it is the last stanza. I will say, that the symbolism is hard to grasp. I know that you set it up with the first stanza:

"A chain link fence
plus two hundred fifty billion years
of evolved antagonism
separate the pair."

I know that you are trying to portray some conflict that has been going on for billions of years. Does it symbolize the animal kingdom, including humanity? Was it a stroke of humor? It isn't clear. I know that the reader should have some responsibility when discerning the meaning, but I would argue in this piece, that it is too vague. There are the possibilities that I came up with, and I don't see any evidence for or against them. I refuse to believe this is just a poem about a cat going inside the fence with a pit bull. Otherwise that is a huge problem.

You need to give the reader more. Something more to communicate what you are trying to say. When you do, please include your description, it is very good.

If the symbolism isn't received, this poem is extremely lacking.

I hope this helps! Write on!

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8
8
Review of Poetic Canvas  
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a cool concept. I would advise, when executing this idea, to describe the realization of the infinite paradigm. Instead of "realizing" I would suggesting saying things are slowly turning into a wooden barrel, obviously in a descriptive way. This would tie things in with the beginning of the poem, and would bring about a more cohesive experience.

Overall, nice job!

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9
9
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is really good. The overall flow was spectacular except for one part which I will get to. I always focus on the dialogue. I have read various stories on this website, and sometimes the dialogue not only was distracting because it was so bad, I couldn't discern who was saying what. Your dialogue flowed well, and I could tell immediately who was saying what, and I wasn't confused. I know it maybe a minor thing with people who focus on fiction (I focus on poetry and non-fiction), however even though it maybe minor I think it is extremely important.

The description was very well done. In fact, I think you could of gone into more of the king's head in the story. At the particular part, where he goes from the garden to the chamber, the writing literally jumps in a matter of a sentence.

"So, the King agreed to meet him at the royal work chamber. When he walked through the heavy wooden door he was greeted by a warm smile and a slow bow."

He was literally just in the garden. So what I was thinking, is you could dive into the thinking of The King, or maybe describe the environment around him, or a mixture of both, while he walks from the garden to the chamber. That would create a transition, and the rest of the story could continue. It would also get the reader more sucked into this world that you are creating.

That was the main constructive criticism I had for you with this particular chapter.

This is me being dumb, but I have read probably two books of short stories in the past year. The rest, has been non-fiction and poetry. I would double check where to create new paragraphs or not with the dialogue. So for example:

"“Yes your Grace, I tied the rocks to her feet and threw her overboard myself. ” Tolus responded with a tremble in his voice. Maurice knew speaking of this was difficult for Tolus. After all, it was him who had to kill the whore and her unborn child. “Was it a boy or a girl?” The King heard himself ask, surprising not only Tolus but himself as well. He had never wanted to know. Better just to forget he thought. “I don’t know, your Grace. The babe was still in her belly when the water consumed them both” Tolus admitted."

I'm thinking 'Was it a boy or a girl?' should start a new paragraph. I do not think dialogue continues within the same paragraph. However, once again, this isn't my specialty, and assuming I am right, it is just something minor. I'd get some random published fictional book and look at the format. It is my belief that you don't have dialogue within the paragraph, I could be wrong though.

Overall, I think this was great, and it was captivating even though there weren't guns, explosions, and lots of sex. :) So, that's great! You got me hooked, so I will probably review the next chapter, not tonight though. Going to try and work on my own writing.

Keep writing!

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10
10
Review of Shaman's Trance  
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
So there are three main things going with this poem. First, it is original. I know technically every poem is original, but there is a poem titled "My Muse" in the please review page, do I need to say more?

Second, you used the formatting as a way to manipulate the rate at which the text is read. I learned a similar but different mechanism that you did. I learned from you. It's an original idea, it may or may not be yours, but it is something that I will have in my back pocket. So thanks.

Thirdly the substance of the poem is really good. I could read it more and take more time to discern more meaning, but there are some lines that really stand out:

"when you see your blindness
you will awaken
with your eyes open in the darkness."

A lot of thoughts go through my mind when I read that, and that makes the content of this poem good. It is thought provoking. I literally read a poem yesterday on how shopping at the grocery store made more sense in the past than it does today. I'm just conveying a point. In order for someone to see their blindness, I suppose this is admission that you do not see. And well, since you do not see, everything is in darkness. I just really liked that part.

If you think about it, if you always want to improve the weak, and ignore the strong, you are constantly improving. Because eventually what was weak will become strong, and what was once strong with become weak.

This thinking that I am typing out, I know with my experience, that sometimes people can take away from poetry that wasn't intended. People have given me reviews saying "I totally agree bla bla bla bla" and it was not even close to what I was saying. But that's the beauty of it. We take away from art what we take away from it, and it is ours alone.

Well done. I don't give five stars often, but I think this is an extremely solid poem.

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11
11
Review of My Enemy  
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The first thing that comes to mind is the third line of the first stanza. I would change to "Everything becoming insane."

I think this conveys very strong emotions when reading this poem. The self-destruction, and the mentality of inadequacy - it shows how damaging that can become. And it does become a self-fulfilling prophesy. I suppose if you self-destruct, you become what you hate so you can self-destruct further with your hate. If that makes sense. It's a very powerful and thought provoking poem. I enjoyed it a lot.

I'm not really going to rate harsh because of the grammar mistake. It happens. Anyways, well done, and keep writing!

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12
12
Review of A Place My Own  
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
It's crazy, I've seen the same problem in three straight poems. First, you really need to get rid of some of the "even's" because it is very distracting. You say "you" or "your" four lines straight. That sound of "you" takes away space of something that adds more to the poem. It's just repeating the same meaning, and lowers the potential strength of the piece.

I think you need to describe line 13 in a different way, simply because it is essentially line 1. You could replace the whole line 13 with the word "you're".

Other wise, it conveyed good emotion. But I really think you need to address the wordiness of this poem. You want concise, powerful poetry. Fillers are acceptable with rhyming poetry if it isn't done too much, and there is always the possibility of influencing metric or flow with punctuation.

I hope this helps! Keep writing!

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13
13
Review of Where We End  
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I think this is a good original thought on relationships. It was creative. I will say that you could re-write some of the lines so that there is less repetition. There was so much repetition, with weak words I may add, that it was distracting. So:

"Without anger
Without acrimony"

Could be re-written as:

"Without anger, acrimony"

Also, in prose, you have to very carefully pick your words, and to be more efficient.

"With no expectations, hopes; promises" The poem feels very wordy. That usually is the result of unnecessary words and unnecessary syllables. Tighten that up, and it should be good and strong.

Well done, keep writing!

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14
14
Review of Dearest Friend  
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Unratable.)
I really liked it. It was original which I liked. I liked how the side stanzas were sort of like side comments, at least that is how I felt. The writing itself was very beautiful, and full of meaning. Very good potency in your stanzas, which is a sign of a good poem. I liked how the flow changed by using the side stanzas. The center is always four lines, but the flow changed, and it changed really well. I think this was a very well thought out poem.

Good job. I kind of think if you were to play with the content of the poem, you could actually risk lowering the potency of the poem. It read well to me, I wouldn't change anything.

Well done.

Keep writing.

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15
15
Review of Anime Marathon  
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Right off the bat, I see two fundamental things. First, never use the second person. In formal writing, in pretty much any medium of writing, the second person isn't used. Second, what you are doing right here, is a glorified outline. Don't feel bad, I have done the same thing. The things in bold shouldn't ever be there in essay writing. Each paragraph, or point let's say, should transition smoothly into one another. These transitions, are called transitional sentences. Some transitional sentences need to be placed in mid paragraph, not necessarily only at the end. These sentences transition from one idea to another.

I thought the overall essay was very informative, and is a good guide to anime watching! By the way, I've seen Fullmetal Alchemist as well as Heroic Age. But I assure you, I haven't watched nearly the amount of anime that you have!

I think the guide has parts where I chuckled. Like get in your jammies, the pause button, and there is something completely true: The more friends you have the better the experience is.

As always, keep writing!

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16
16
Review of Out Of Style Geek  
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
I don't know if you remember, but you asked me to write some reviews. Here I am! I am happy to oblige anytime, so ask at any point.

The very first thing I wanted to say is this. It's a great story but I don't think it is an essay. I'm not sure on this, because I know there are essays in the first person, but I haven't read much of them personally. I have been focusing on my poetry with a certain exercise called 100 in 100. I actually am reading poetry, a book on economics, and a book is coming in the library with essays and poetry. I say this, because I haven't really read that many published essays. I've written my own style over the years based upon what I have learned in school. So far, I am really intrigued about writing essays in the first person. Also, the poems I mainly write are in the third, and they are more academic. If you want to get a taste on my style so far, just jump to my portfolio and go to essays. The most recent one I wrote called Perfection, has much more growth than the other ones. I'm saying all of this, before getting into the review, that I come from a very different angle than where you are coming from, and I am just going to share what I think. Please keep in mind my style is very different, and that what I know does not encompass everything there is to know about essay writing.

First I want to say it sounded more like a short story. On the other hand, it could be viewed as an essay. You state your thesis that you aren't as geeky as you thought. You provide the evidence through the story of going to the anime convention, and then the conclusion reinforces your thesis while bringing about a sense of conclusion. I would say that your conclusion could have some more summary of what happened. Or, you could follow the chain of logic as to why you aren't as geeky as you thought you were. So I see how it could be an essay, it could also be a short story, and it could also be a segment of an autobiography. In my view, with my style, this isn't an essay.

First there is a minor thing. You didn't necessarily state who Colette is. She/he comes out of right field. Also, it is normally accepted that when you do dialogue, you do separate lines/paragraphs.

With that said, I am pretty certain that an essay in the first person focuses on logic, rather than experience. Does that make sense? You state some sort of thesis in the essay, support it, restate the thesis, and then conclude. Research essays are easy, you just have to read a lot. Academic essays have more to do with your knowledge from various sources, and weave them into making your point solid. Really hard essays are what I term philosophical essays, simply because it is only your logic, rather than sources and less on the knowledge part, on providing evidence to your thesis.

Like I said, I honestly don't think this is an essay. I would classify it as an autobiographical short-story. I have never read an essay that has dialogue.

I know it is just a classification thing, but it is something you should know. The story was enjoyable, the writing flowed well, the dialogue needed to be separated, and I didn't see or hear any grammatical errors, but that doesn't mean there isn't any. I really need to read up on my grammar. Oh yeah, I would introduce Chalotte rather than putting that person right into the story immediately.

I hope this review was helpful!

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17
17
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
First, this was really well written. There is really one minor thing I would put in there, and it isn't a big deal. I would put a comma after sun and before and, on the first line of the fourth stanza. I think there is a natural pause there, and I think it would flow a lot better. It wouldn't be so run on so to speak.

I love how you use the imagery of the sea, to bring you to a point of reflection. I could feel the emotions myself, being at the sea for every once in a while (I can't travel as much) and using the time to try and improve my life. I think the word pounding was a brilliant word choice. The see is relentless, and the sound just reverberates through your conscience. I would feel at peace, I would feel closer to the world. To be close to a ecosystem that I have only really spent time studying in books and on the TV. It would be surreal. Ultimately, like you said, E.E. Cummings is right. There is something about nature, including the sea, that really brings to you a sense of peace.

Really well done.

Hail Martell! May we win GoT!

Write on!

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18
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Review of Lost Without You  
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
So there is a minor thing right off the bat that I see. The center alignment isn't really recommended when writing poetry. I'm currently reading a collection of poetry, starting from the 1400's to current times. I haven't read a single poem with the center alignment. I usually write on the left side. It is really minor, but I really think the convention so to speak for poetry is to be written on the left. Just something to consider. Since I am used to reading poetry on the left, I found it distracting. But really, it is so minor it is just something I would consider.

One main thing that I liked was the fact that there were two different structures, the poem he is trying to write in the sand, to the stanzas that are the narrator of the story. It showed that he was writing a poem in a different instance. Well done.

One thing that is distracting, is the second stanza. You shift it to the other rhyme scheme. I think it would be a little more "organized" to keep the rhyming structure consistent, including the structure of the poem he is writing about. Meaning, keep the rhyming consistent between stanzas one and two. Also, to add symmetry within the structure, I think you should consider adding another stanza. Basically taking stanzas one and two, and reciting it in stanzas six and seven, for a total of eight stanzas.

These are just suggestions that could make the poem better. It could maybe make it worse, who knows. Ultimately you have the end say with what you write in your works. The poem was good, the ending was good, and I don't really see any typos but I admit I didn't really look very hard. Nothing popped up.

Write on!

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19
19
Review of Waiting Room  
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is really good. I thought the ending provided such a good punch, and a sense of horror at the end. I was captivated throughout the whole story. I'm not as knowledgeable about short stories as other mediums, but I found it strange that there was absolutely no dialogue in that entire story. If you could express his fear, his paralyzation, to even his frustration, anything, would add to the story. I just found it odd that there wasn't any dialogue. Who knows, maybe there are stories out there that do that, I haven't had much exposure so I am unsure.

The dialogue would be him trying to talk to the nurse or psychologist. He could also talk to himself. It's just a thought.

As there is no dialogue, what captivated me was the detail and description of the environment. I have the images in my mind. You described the photos very well. You described the thumping, and then the quick vision of the girl in blood, that was a perfect horror movie shot. The thumping has a strong effect. On the door, in the room, and his heart. Really well done.

I'm not sure about the whole dialogue thing, so I'm going to rate you pretty high. My suggestion would be to add some.

Keep writing!

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20
20
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Immediately 5 stars. It's a no brainer. The reason why I say this is because the descriptive vocabulary, imagery, symbolism, as well as somewhat of a rhyme scheme, to me this is something you should keep, and put in a manuscript for publishing. I know it is some guy's opinion on WDC, but if you look at my reviews I gravitate A LOT towards poetry. This was such a pleasure and delight. I really pound upon people to use imagery, description, descriptive vocabulary, and push them to create a better experience, rather than statements with generic vocabulary. Admittedly, you are a better poet than I am. Which is okay with me. :)

I learned from your punctuation. You use the hyphen to elaborate more on a word. I use a hyphen to add to a statement with a pause. I learned that your method also makes sense, and so I have learned from you!

The description was breathtaking, and I felt what that character felt. I can relate. I really want a partner, I haven't had one in a while, and I feel that partner would fill a void. But upon realizing there maybe a God, a loving God, having Him feel the void, thru the universe He created, helps us be more healthy in our own skin, and therefore bring more to the table for a healthy relationship.

I hope you write to get published, not just for personal reasons. If they say this isn't good enough for publication, then I apologize. However, if you keep writing, there is no question that you have the potential to put your stuff on the bookshelf of a library.

Please, don't stop writing.

Well done.

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21
21
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
This idea could easily be expanded like the traditional essay. Introduction, thesis at the end, body paragraphs, restating of the thesis and conclusion. Even though that "essay" is so short, you really could expand on a lot. The key to essay writing is to literally be thorough and descriptive from thought to thought. Clearly stating your reasoning on the idea you are presenting.

First, don't write in the first person. Especially if you are only going to use it once.

Second, you really should define "Field of Mind" when you first introduced it. The meaning becomes more clear at the end, but it makes the reasoning harder to follow not knowing what you are talking about. Like I said before, if you were to be really thorough of your thought process, you would define Field of Mind and explain it.

In your revision, you could go into more detail about particle and field theory. You could even go a little into the history of it. But what I just read, was a well written, good spelling and grammar, paragraph. It isn't an essay in my opinion.

Ultimately what you put in is what you get out of it. It really looks like you have good potential. If you strive to sit down, and write an expansive essay, maybe even sit down multiple times, revise, and then publish. You will grow much more as a writer. But that all depends upon where you want to go with your writing. The more you put into it, the better you will be. Then maybe an essay you write, will be published, and read around the country, making people think about the reality in front of us.

A lot of potential, but this needs work.

Keep writing!

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22
22
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
There's a couple of things I want to say.

First, I think you can expand a bit with this essay, to provide a bigger emotional effect with the passing of your father. Maybe give some background about your father and how he lived. How was he as a father? What about your mother? (sorry if I am hurting you, I don't mean to) The description of that day was really good, at the beginning. I feel like you could of described the house, as well as your family members. I don't mean to say write a book, but I feel there were many places where you could dive into more detail. This essay is really short, to the point that I would consider using another medium.

That's to the second thing I had to say.

Poetry? I mean I know you may not have a lot of experience writing poetry or practice, or really like it. But I felt this emotional story, especially the supernatural at the end, could really be portrayed well with poetry if done right. I write essays and poetry, but I've gravitated more to poetry. Essays I feel like I have to write about after I read something, but after just writing that I came up with an essay idea. :) (the benefits of reviewing cease to amaze me) So I understand that if you don't write poetry why you didn't, but I'm letting you know you could of really made your father proud, and not saying you didn't, with writing a poem.

If you are going to keep it short and concise, I think it defeats the purpose of an essay (that has description and extensive train of thought), and is prime material for a poem. If you want to keep the essay, I would expand on your thinking, details, history, etc.. I feel like this piece was caught in the middle. I feel like you may have written that in one sitting. Which is fine, not judging. I know this is really personal, and I really hope I didn't offend, I'm just trying to suggest ways to make your writing and piece better.

I hope your father lived a good life. It sounds he had a loving family, and loving friends. You witnessed death, but in that it is a beautiful thing. Especially seeing God so up close.

I will say, what you have wrote, is well written. I just think you need to work on it more.

Keep writing!

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Review of The Beginning  
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
First nice piece. I wanted to start with a typo.

"Although I found her to be highly attractive I determined not to see her again. I knew if I did, I'd likely find myself in deep water---and sinking fast."

Add a "was" after I and before determined. Very minor, no big deal.

"I replied---something on the order of"

In my mind the hyphen is totally unnecessary. You could of very well used a comma, but you chose the hyphens instead. I was taught to use the hyphen towards the end of the first sentence, then once the sentence was over and there was other information to add, then you would use a hyphen.

"And to those of you who have chosen to offer snarky comment regarding the lack of believability of the circumstances surrounding this little episode and suggesting 'improvements' so as to match your ideas of how things ought to have gone---This...." "this" should be lower case.

"(What I didn't say, although it was in my mind, was that my moderate lack of aggressiveness---I'd made free of patting her 'keister' but not tried to 'tune her radio'---had induced a bit of uncertainty." It maybe grammatically correct, I doubt it, but regardless, this sounds like a run-on. I think you need to break the statements into sentences.

Those are just some of the things I saw. Keep writing! Nice job.


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24
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Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
First I wanted to say I'm sorry about your daughter. Life is completely unfair and is a dictatorship. I wish children like that didn't have to go. I'm really sorry.

I feel bad critiquing poems from people that obviously came so deeply from the heart. But I do have some suggestions.

Is there anyways to communicate to your reader that your daughter is sick, without the imagery of the hospital? I ask because as a reader I see images of candy land, quite literally, ponies and rainbows, and then I'm sucked into medical equipment.

I understand you need to communicate that your daughter is sick. Is there a way to communicate that without the machinery? If there isn't in your eyes, then that is okay. I was hoping you could.

I can tell this came from the heart, and I feel really bad. You did write a good poem, and usually the best come from the heart.


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25
25
Review by 777
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was a joy. The beginning was being sucked into the poem by the story of writing itself. Then when you introduced the love part aspect, I thought it was just a creative well written piece.

I feel bad saying that. I'm supposed to be smart enough to analyze every line, count each syllable, take away unnecessary words, find a grammatical error or metric error.

And when I get a poem, where everyone is saying "great job!" I get a little pissed. That doesn't help!

When I read your poem, I read it with ease. I was absorbed into the story, and then there is another half of the story that is introduced and it adds a very romantic ending.

Good ass poem dude. I don't usually give out fives by the way. So good job.


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