What I really liked about this poem was that there was a lot of meaning in just a short amount of space. I think simply because the vocabulary was well chosen for this poem, and it really stood out. The punctuation worked, and I really liked the punctuation at the last line of the first stanza, the three dots. It gave me the impression that the reader was supposed to hang there a bit, before moving onto the next line. So I thought that worked really well and I am taking a mental note to put that into my poetry sometimes.
What I like about using punctuation in poetry is at times it can really control the rate at which you read the lines. This punctuation, was able to naturally force me to take each line slowly, and to really think about the meaning of some of those words.
Finally, the message is a good message. People need to understand the true purpose of this holiday, and not the buying of gifts for loved ones. I believe Christmas has been corrupted by economics, and I feel people might forget what this is all about.
I thought what you wrote was good and that it worked. What I mean by that is some poems that I read are trying to pull something off, but they don't quite catch it. I felt your free verse poem with punctuation forced people to take the meaning in. And that is good, and it worked.
I personally don't like short poetry, but I understand that sometimes you don't want to force the essence of what you are trying to say and or feeling. I just wished this was longer. But again, adding something would totally change what you have, and what you have is good, so I guess I am saying I don't really think making something longer is worth changing this poem.
The vocabulary was difficult, but for me as a reader this added to the poem. Some readers would probably get turned off by that, but I think what you did was great.
I'll stop. If you are satisfied that this poem captures the essence of what you are trying to communicate, then I would not change a thing. Nicely done, and write on.
This was a joy to read for me. First I want to say good job on keeping a consistent rhyme scheme and structure. In my opinion, these poems are harder to write than non-structured poems. My style is I usually write what comes, and I disregard structure. So I applaud what you did here. But there is more to it.
You brought out a family atmosphere, an image, as well as characters through the poem. It really captivated the overall Thanksgiving experience with family. Thanksgiving is all about family, and you captured it well, while rhyming, and keeping a consistent structure. Really nicely done.
I wouldn't change a thing honestly. It was a good length so I was able to experience the poem for a good amount of time. In my opinion, it is fine the way it is. Good job.
My issue with this poem is that is pretty difficult to understand what the message or purpose of this poem is. I understand through the title and the reference with gum and wallpaper, but besides that I am somewhat lost. Now I know that this is just one reader. Maybe I don't have the intellect to truly understand your poem. In which case I am sorry. I also believe that a writer should put some responsibility or burden on the reader to get the message of the poem. But in my honest opinion, you are putting too much on the reader to extrapolate a meaning from the poem. Sorry if you disagree, it is just my honest opinion.
I really thought this was a solid poem. The format or structure is consistent to the line, the punctuation changes but still keeps the same rhythm. The indent allows for a faster pace between lines, at least that is how I felt the poem was meant to be read. The rhyme flowed well and was able to add meaning to the poem. Nicely done.
All in all, I really enjoyed this poem. It has a good message.
The only criticism that I have with this is it seemed that the end was so abrupt. And it seemed that the narrator of the story, was able to part with the vessel with little to no effort. It would change the poem, and it would be hard to do, but I think you should add more to the end. To show how much of a struggle it was for the narrator to let go. Otherwise, it does not seem as big of a deal. And I understand, if you add more you have to do 8 line rhyming stanzas; you have to keep it a certain format. And it is hard. But I think if you were able to show the struggle of the character of letting go what is known to him, you will have a more powerful poem. Plus, the ending would not feel so abrupt.
Mari, this is excellent work. The structure and rhyme scheme is consistent and there is brilliant imagery of the point of rest for this Irishman. My mind took me into the lands of fantasy, where there are knights, archers, necromancers, and dragons. Just for that split second. And I can see his family and friends celebrating his life at a bar sharing stories of him, recognizing for who he truly was. I could envision the beginning too. It was just clear cut images in my mind, that not a lot of poems pull off when I review them. Very nicely done.
I just have compliments to give you in this review. I don't have any criticisms.
Damn that was good.
I had to read the poem two times to truly enjoy it, but that is just fine. The imagery while keeping a rhyme scheme while telling a story was very well done. A really heart melting story at that. My dad usually asks for money from my older brother. It isn't quite the same, but there are similarities. And the poem invoked a really strong emotional response from me at the end.
I haven't read, or written, any poems that have done that yet.
I liked the difficult rhyme scheme, and the continuous format brings a sense of structure to the poem. The last stanza does a great job ending the poem, especially the last line - harmonies. My only criticism is I think you could add more material, maybe describing the actions of the audience and what they feel for clearly. You might want to consider describing the environment in which the concert is in. Of course, while keeping your structure and rhyme scheme in tact. Much easier said than done.
I rated four stars because it was a little short for me. I kinda wanted more.
Powerful. I suffer from bi-polar type 1 rapid cycling. I can definitely relate to how depression feels. For me, my thoughts are slower, I am just slower, and very fatigued. I feel miserable about my existence, filtering out anything good about the reality in front of me. I don't do anything, and that in of itself makes myself feel worse about myself.
Alcohol is a good numbness, but the consequences are that of a depressant. If you are self medicating with alcohol, I understand it helps deal with not only your depression but the dynamics of your relationship - it only makes things stay where they are. There is no change.
I thought it was good prose. I was taught in english classes that every line in a poem should be capitalized. Punctuation can be used, but it mainly deals with the degree of pause when reading a poem.
The pauses that I was reading felt powerful. "A way for me to grow you some facial hair" adds depth to the poem. I don't quite understand the complete meaning and I have read it two times, but I think you as a writer should put some responsibility on the reader for something like this. It really brings out the character of the narrator.
I'm sorry about the rant, but I just wanted to share with you what I have learned over the years. It's hard, I know.
I thought this was a very good poem. It shows a cycle, that probably typically happens with most couples, where they fall madly in love and marry, and then they start to need their space. And you don't want to do it in a hurtful manner, "However cautious and demure." And when the time comes, and each person is ready, the they can fall back in love, or, just re-spice an interest in one another.
I thought the flow worked. The punctuation was consistent and worked. And the vocabulary really added meaning.
In my opinion I don't think you should really change anything, even the length. Good job.
I don't feel right being really critical and reviewing this. This is obviously a very personal poem, so I don't feel like I have the right to say this is what you should change and why.
But I will say, there is one criticism that I do have. I think you need to show, not tell. Maybe try and describe the emotions you feel when your friend is around, or away. But this isn't easy at all, and it is something I struggle with in regards to my poetry. But I felt very distant when I read your poem, I didn't feel emotionally connected, maybe because the poem was so personal.
This writing is for you. If you are satisfied with it, don't change a thing.
This was really nice. This children's story tells a tale that most all children go through - the learning of the bike. Honestly, the work captured the innocence of the children, and the wisdom of the father. If some of those lines came with illustrations, and you were able to extend the piece a little bit, I really think you could get a published kids book.
I really felt this was lacking. The length is too short, and there was very little description. I felt absolutely nothing. I really think you need to expand on this to create a better experience for the reader. Some suggestions would be to describe the creek, to describing the ghost. Maybe write a detailed confrontation, instead of just saying, "She scared them...".
But keep writing. I'm sure if you put in the effort you will make a wonderfully scary poem.
I just wanted to say sorry for your, or the person you know, loss. I wish I could help take the pain away, and at the exact same time, I feel grateful to have the people alive in my life. We tend to take that for granted.
I know this is a hard topic, but I wanted to say to make the poem stronger, maybe try and describe the emotions more vividly. But this, will bring more pain. So maybe it is best to just leave the poem as it is.
I like the old man, how he used his wishes for his grandson. It did turn to tragedy, but I really liked that character. But I felt that this story has been told already, and the movie I am thinking of is Aladin. True the altercation at the end of the story is unique to this one, but the genie, the wishes, and then being set free, I just felt I wasn't reading an original story (albeit technically it is).
If you want this story to feel independent from the other genie stories, you really have to develop the characters. Make the characters feel more real. Otherwise it is just another genie story.
The dialogue was well written, and I could clearly hear two different people talking. So that was well done.
My main criticism is that I don't find this exchange believable. I do not think people have the fortitude, maturity, what have you, to talk passionately about mistakes years ago while one is in a relationship. That is my problems with it. It just seems like it would never happen.
Of course this is fiction, but I still think there has to be some resemblance of reality within the fiction. Maybe if you moved the dialogue to a different setting, like getting a drink at a bar. To me that is more realistic. Of course, it would be an issue with the other guy possibly, so that may not work.
I hate to say it, but I really think you should totally revamp the dialogue. I don't see anyone talking about their mistakes and friendship like this.
But what was written, came out, and the dialogue flowed very well. So nice job and keep writing.
This was really well done considering the prompt and contest. I will say however, that the amount of characters and their relationships with one another got really confusing. But I realize that you needed that number of characters for that paragraph at the end of the story. Just know that if you had more time to develop this story with less constraints, that you should introduce characters less rapidly in my opinion. Or if you introduce many at one time, to describe them, their relationships, and have more interaction with them.
This is a wonderful poem. The description and vocabulary really bring this poem alive. From what I gather, the jungle is the symbolic representation of the ingredients used in his/her cooking. I smelled the onion, I saw the jungle, I ate the eggs, and I savored the wine.
Anything that I suggest to add would change the poem, and honestly, it is a poem that shouldn't be changed. The punctuation from what I can tell is fine, and the flow of the poem worked beautifully.
This was a nice poem describing the relationship and how two people met in cyber-space.
But I feel there were some things missing. I didn't really feel anything. At the same token, this poem probably only had a person as the audience in mind. Which would mean more to him/her than it ever would to me. But if you wanted to push yourself as a writer, I would suggest to add a little more description. Describe what it feels like being miles apart, but to feel connected. Describe the longing to meet face to face. Describe the vulnerability and trust you put onto this person.
That's my two cents. Is the poem good? Yes. But there are somethings you could do to make it great.
This was really well written. How the plot was introduced and took form really captivated the reader. The descriptions of your story were really good. I could picture the children playing at night, and the man with the guitar at a street corner playing.
Before I forget, I think rhym should be changed to rhyme.
The story was very creative, and I really enjoyed it.
I just wanted to say very well written. Your writing is very descriptive and brings about an imagery that is unique to some writers. I am striving to be able to be that descriptive in my own writing. I am able to portray emotion but I wish I was more descriptive with it. I really enjoyed the writing.
And what the poem was writing about! WDC is a beautiful website, and has not only been an outlet for many, but probably has been the stepping stones for something greater. (I am new to this website, I do hope to be published one day).
I personally liked the description of Earth, Nature, and her creatures more than the last stanza. I thought it was very thought provoking. If you notice, you used opposites to describe Nature and Earth. It is in my personal belief, that opposites coexist to compliment one another (yin yang). Also, if you ever get a chance to read a book on The Gaia Hypothesis, the planet is a perfect super-organism.
Yet creatures are stuck in between these opposites, and it makes sense to me. They don't have the ying yang to balance them out like nature does.
You see, this is how thought provoking your poem is to me. And that was its main strength. It made me think, and it made me think in a good way.
The last stanza I think is the hollywood or fairytale of it all. I don't agree with it, but that doesn't mean it wasn't well written. I think there are people in our society that try very hard and are stuck, and no matter how hard they persist, there will be no beneficial change. To me, that is reality.
I thought the punctuation was very well done. There was a variety to it, and it complimented the story very nicely. Just wanted to say, very well done! I enjoyed reading your poem.
First to get it off of my chest, I think you should turn "heck" into "hell". I think the word "heck" minimizes what you are trying to convey - a hell. I also wanted to say that this poem felt more of a means to tell a story than to describe it. I think what would do this story more justice, would be to use another medium besides poetry. That is how I feel at least. I felt like I was reading a story rather than reading a poem. You could consider writing a short story, and that way you have more freedom to tell the story that you want to tell. I honestly didn't feel many emotions, which is what poetry does to me at least. I suppose I felt empathy towards the woman in this story, and well, pity.
The upside to this piece, is that the message is crystal clear. It is easily accessible, and that is a good thing in my opinion. I find it really irritating to strain my brain to figure just what the author is saying.
I'm sorry I am just being honest, I think you chose the wrong medium with this story. If you want to keep it in a poem format, I would describe the emotions, images, and actions with a flowing rhythm. Doesn't have to rhyme.
Again I am just one writer, so maybe your poem didn't connect with me like it did with others.
Awesome poem. I had to read it twice to understand the imagery, but the message was crystal clear. Taking in the moment. It is something that I feel few of us do, but would bring great mental health to many more people if they were to just take their senses in. Of course, if a person is on a bus stop by a major street that is quite difficult to do, and that is another discussion entirely.
In essence, your poem made me experience something special that I do on occasion and that I am going to tell myself to do more. That is a great message. The imagery was very descriptive and put me into a world of classical music, trees, and sunlit windows.
The images of a kneeling woman being caressed by an Angel's wing, that can not be seen in this realm, is just beautiful. The confidence and insight to know that the angel is there, brings testament to the pure spirituality that this character holds. Pure faith.
Great poem, very captivating. It obviously tells a story of a man going through his life, and realizing the important lesson that one cannot predict reality. The instance where the author talks about "becoming my father" is a hard lesson to deal with assuming there were aspects of the father that were unfavorable.
I love how the format seems relatively the same. The repetition of "not like I thought" hits home the main theme. Overall, great poem.
I just noticed that the stanza with only two lines is the last line, but the reader knows what is going to be said.
I honestly can't think of anything to change it. You might want to consider trying to convey the emotions felt, but this would alter the format of your poem.
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