You might have a good idea somewhere in there. I want to find it, but your writing is getting in the way. I don't want to discourage you, but you need a lot of work on grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure. Very confusing and some places, very repetitive. I'll give you some examples.
Take this passage:
He then tried to check if any one was there at Roy's home. He looked at the windows of his house and found that every room was dark with the lights off, only for a room which seemed to be Roy's room. It was lighted by what seemed to be candle light and also, he could see a silhouette of someone on the windows screen. Now relief that there was someone at his house who most probably was Roy he went back to his water boiling.
any one should be anyone. He looked at the windows of his house- reads like he was looking at his own windows, not Roy's. After explaining: all are dark, then adding: with the lights off, is unnecessary. You use- which seemed. It should be: that seemed, but even so, the entire process of describing the darkened house is tedious. Sometimes less is more. You could have easily said: The house was dark except for one candle-lit window. A silhouette flickered on the white screen. Roy, he thought.
Another example:
He took out some premium coffee that he had kept for his guest and made some premium coffee for himself. Now with the coffee ready, he went back to his tv room and sat to watch tv. Only the news channels seemed to have come back but he didn't mind that and started watching some early morning news.
As he was sipping his premium coffee and watching the news, he still felt kind of uneasiness with Roy's home.
This paragraph has way too much repetitiveness going on. The use of premium coffee and his watching the news get in the way of your story. Why did he want premium coffee? You go to great lengths to stress this, yet you tie nothing to it. Either explain or drop. Again the less is more works well here.
A quick solution:
He opened the pantry and saw his regular coffee staring at him. "Nope," he spoke to the generic box, pushing it aside in favor of his expensive stuff. The stuff reserved for guests, well, those he wanted to impress at least. The unease he felt about Roy's house seemed to call for it. With a nice hot cup in hand, he settled down to watch some early morning news, anything to get his mind off of his neighbor.
I'm trying to show how you can explain the scene and give some emotional context to what he is doing and why.
Please don't take this the wrong way. You took the time to write and share your work, so I'm assuming you want feedback. Honest feedback. Take this as a challenge to improve. No first draft is perfect.
Good luck in the future. I look forward to reading your revised work.
So true! I am an old geezer and have experienced the same humiliation. Of course, even when I was young, I couldn't have done that, and I was a runner. But in Texas, where the only elevation was my stairs. When I traveled to colorado (Now where I've retired too and actually handle mountains way better) and did even a little hiking, I was out of breath, leaning on my knees. I enjoyed your writing- that is, it didn't get in the way of your story at all. Easy to read and relate! Thanks for the post.
I rarely review poetry, but yours evoked a great deal of imagery. I heard the screeching of a bird and saw the man's last step before his final fall to the baked earth circled by the eager waiting vultures in the cloudless sky. Fade to black.
Thanks for making me expand my mind.
As to the technical side, I have no clue about the rules of poetry, so excuse my ignorance. It sounds good to me!
Morning, I rolled over on the soft hay and looked into the empty eye sockets of my one true love. I ran my hand over her lovely bleached white bones, asking about her plans for the day. She was unusually quiet despite my charm and wit. I told her I planned on looking (again) for a new job. Told her to stop being angry with me for the botched job I did on her, thinking that was the reason for her cold silence. I promised her the next one would be better. That my next true love would be shorter and fit in the vat, that their feet wouldn't be so... I stopped myself and stood up. No use explaining what was obvious. I dressed, well, I had my pants on. My favorite shirt was ruined. I searched around the stall, looking in the wooden trough I used to store what little possessions I had. Pulling out a blouse, my one true love's, I held it up to me. "Too daring," I asked. She only glared at me. But I knew what she was thinking- "Are you going to wear that?"
I was following you up to the point when you said you disagreed with therapy. That kind of shocked me. Here you are helping to define what 'healing' is. Isn't this a form of talking? Of wanting to help others heal? Sure healing has to come from within, but sometimes just hearing ourselves talk can be a means to healing. So often, we get lost in our thoughts, confused. Having actually to talk and get the thoughts coherent and understood by another can help crystalize that which hurts us. I think you have some good points, and I don't want to take away from that. Just wanted to speak up about talking out your issues with another, not necessarily a professional, just someone who cares and will really listen.
I understand exactly how you feel about Facebook. I, too, get sick of seeing posts that have no basis, in fact, only raw emotion, aimed at some (usually political) issue. But, unlike you, I actively stay on Facebook and post. I respond when I see such falsehoods, but not in an emotional way. I post with facts. Facebook can be a cesspool if we allow it. But we can stand up and make a change. You say:
But in the meantime, people like me exist to make sure cruelty isn't inflicted.
You can stand up on Facebook as well. If we just ignore these ignorant, if not dangerous posts, those reading and 'on the fence' might suffer. That one post shining a light of reason could make the difference.
Facebook, like life, is filled with many types of people, both good and bad, ignorant, ill-informed, and those intent on evil. We need all the help we can get to keep pointing out those that prey on the weak and use misinformation to bolster their own egos.
So rethink your position on Facebook. Nothing will change if good people sit back and let the bad have their say unchallenged.
Very well written and under 2k words. I assume this was a requirement for the contest? Anywho, I liked the story, but given your limitations, you had to skimp a lot on showing instead forced to just tell. The price you pay, I guess. Did you ever expand on this? Seemed you left the door open for him to have further adventures.
I liked your use of names and your writing style. You did a fine job setting the scene and getting the point across about Hiccup. Maybe I'm too old school to understand some of these snippets. I've read Blankets and understand writing about real-life or things in life that just are. I'm always trying to figure out when the story occurs (Framing). This one stumps me. It could be part of an introduction or in the middle of some larger story. I feel lost as to which character should be center stage because you mention many. Though Hiccup may be the focus, it could just as easily be his absent father or one of the other children neglected by hiccup's constant need for attention. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'd like a little more context about where the story is going; even if an introduction, it's best to hook the reader with the first paragraph. However, if I've missed the mark entirely, just ignore my ignorance.
At first, I didn't know what to think. Was this a poem? A type of short story? I read it and, at each point, visualized what you had written. Either agreeing, disagreeing, or caught thinking- huh? never thought of that before. All along going, why would someone write this? When I'd finished, I paused and realized you'd made me feel each time about a moment in my life where I'd seen this or never seen this, giving me a kaleidoscope of imagery and emotion. Thanks for making me do a double-take and expanding my mind on what constitutes storytelling.
I rarely read and have never reviewed a poem before. But yours kept me reading. I can't grade you on technical ability as an ignorant connoisseur of this arena, but you hit the mark entertainment-wise. Very fun to read, and I liked the rhyming too!
I read the first part of this story and was surprised at the direction of the second part. Maybe I read too much into the opening and expected something completely different. Perhaps that's why I didn't like this direction? I also found more technical mistakes that took me out of the story and made me re-read the section to make sure I understood what the writer intended. Overall not my cup of tea.
Emma a fantastic telling of childhood, at first glance, like many in our modern world. Then shifting to another spectrum. So sad and probably more common than we think. Also, very well written. All your words and sentences flowed easily, not distracting me from your telling, only enhancing the experience. Thanks for sharing!
Hilarious article! I could see it running in that rag! I used to see batboy on the cover many times. Thanks for bringing back many fond memories. As to your writing, I think it came off as perfect for the material. Very well planned out and executed.
Fascinating insight into a boy and the darker thoughts that all children have. Rarely do such fantasies play out in such a gruesome fashion. I imagine doing so, and having such dire results, would create a trauma that could shape a life of deception and perhaps evil. Maybe he liked it? After all, he is going to hell. That curse could give him an excuse to commit all sorts of mayhem. Excellent start to explaining perhaps a serial killer's back story. As to the writing. At times you spend a lot of words describing a condition. For example, Daniel's position between his two sisters. You go to great lengths to say he is the middle child. Maybe you did so to help define his isolation? I refer to data that shows siblings divided by six years can be thought of as an only child as they have little in common with siblings of such an age gap. This gap could help explain why he is so distanced from his sister's emotions and perhaps help feed what might be an already sociopathic mind. However, this is not clear and something I had to think about to try and explain to myself what and why I was reading this passage. You do say he is bored, another factor of the age gap, as well as having two sisters; he'd have little companionship. Given this boredom, you state he goes to the devious side. Perhaps a little explanation of how and what he did to start down this path to show an escalation leading to your ending.
I really liked your short. The way they met was genuinely unique. However, you break from the magical moment to speak of the future, where words are unnecessary. This takes the magical first meeting to another level of obsession. Like trying to keep a moment suspended to keep the magic without growing. I'd rather the story end right there as they move together towards the coffee shop. Let the reader do the rest.
Great explanation of very critical elements of storytelling. An excellent addition would be to explain some of the creative exceptions to sentence structure for dramatic, comedic, or character personalities. Thanks for the concise, easy-to-understand explanations and for taking the time to post!
I enjoyed your post! And truly understand where you are coming from. As a bisexual myself, I took another approach. If I just acknowledged (to both myself and others) the women I found attractive, I could fit in, keeping the other part of me buried so deep it couldn't hurt even me (the lies we tell ourselves). I lived most of my life this way. Did you ever tell your mother the entire truth? Or did you pull a me? As to your writing, I liked it, mostly. Some of your explanations were in detail, while you skipped over others, like the conversation with your mother. It would have been nice to know what you felt when you decided to explain your sexuality fully or when you backed out. Either way, it would have made for a more engaging passage, connecting readers like me emotionally to that moment we've all dreaded. Your ending was great. You summed it all up in a nutshell. Excellent way of coming to terms with God and yourself, despite all the organized religion banded against such reality. Thanks for a beautiful post!
This looks more like a script for a play or short film rather than a short story. If your intent was such, then okay. However, if you were attempting a short story, I'd advise a more integrated form of dialog, with scattered descriptors of what the speaker is doing. Your opening, like the dialog, is more technical, like setting a scene for a movie. Perhaps a more relaxed form of describing, with simpler words.
Take: Amid the Scenic River, there is a mansion with a commodious lawn at the front and lung space in its milieu.
In writing, it is better to show than say. For example, the scenic river- how is it scenic? Is it nestled in a forest, slowly winding through the pines, or in a field of wildflowers, rushing over rocks? Be descriptive when setting the picture of your narrative. Words like Milieu in a 3rd person omniscient voice sound rigid and would be better suited for a character in your story who would be more of a proper sort.
I hope I haven't been too harsh, but I prefer honesty over flattery as a writer, and I hope you feel the same. Please don't let this critique discourage your writing. Let it, instead, challenge you to grow as a writer.
I don't want to offend, but your grammar, formatting, and confusing sentences made it difficult to read. I think you are creative and have something to say, but I'd advise some brushing up on the more technical aspects of creative writing. Please don't let this discourage you, instead take it as a challenge to expand your skills. We all have stories to tell, and I would be happy to read yours when you can find the right words and context to tell them.
Thanks for sharing this heart-wrenching revelation. Having relatives in Mississippi and growing up in the late 60's and 70's, I full well know the types that might have been at that performance. I heard the man I was told to call Pappy talk all kinds of hate. He was racist, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. He was an angry, abusive man who took pleasure in hurting anyone he could dominate. When I read the part about your teacher telling your mom you couldn't attend after all your time and effort, I had to ask why she waited? Didn't she know about the venue? Sometimes it might be better to face them. True evil, like pappy, will never change, but the ignorant, those that blindly follow these hate-mongers, might. Your love and presence could have inspired, and you'd of had a completely different story to tell. Thanks again for your account. I hope your children will have a very different experience in life!
I enjoyed the story and your writing. Your setup is very well done, with an excellent back story. The encounter with the boat, and the initial meeting with the ghosts, are all very well described. However, during the big attack near the end, you stop telling and just say attacking. I think this story would be even better if you could explain, in some detail, how they do this and how it affects you. Thanks for giving me something to look up- Samhain. As I'm Irish but ignorant of my heritage, I'm curious to know more.
I liked the premise of your story very much. I liked your main character, Mark, and how he dealt with the situation to a point. I felt his companions needed a better set-up on what was holding them back. His friend kneeling with a pile of rocks, which he believed was Sara, made for a cool reveal. Though well set up, his Captain's failings lacked the same impact when Mark looked back from the door's light (which I assume signifies life). I think the opening could be more descriptive- from nothing to something only each could see. Describing all three in total blackness, just echos of their voices confusing, disorienting. Then slowly forming a space, gray, like twilight, shapes, and forms around them, but they can't make out what they are. Everything is just out of reach. And as you did, their memory of where they were starts to come back, as each sees images of their failures that the others can't see. Your main character should have one too. Show how he overcomes, and they don't. Thanks for making me think!
I enjoyed reading your short. It had a nice pace, interesting and likable characters, and of course an excellent twist. Now to what bothered me. During the break from the opening church scene to the deli, I found the three opening paragraphs which give a rapid-fire intro to his job broke the tempo of your story. It seemed rushed and stacked high with information, that, if time allowed, would have been better discovered through dialog or spread through the story as he went about his day. Once it starts up again it flows nicely. Overall an excellent story. Thanks for posting!
I like the ending, but the setup for it lacks any believability. I know you went for humor. But John as a student in jr high, even if he were working on some class experiment, standing up and proclaiming he'd seen the future, would end with a trip to the principles office. However, if this took place in some secret government lab with a group of scientists eagerly awaiting these words of wisdom- then the ending has a lot more zing.
Very interesting idea. The plot was well delivered but lacks some emotion. The story, told cold, may have been your intent, but a little more embellishing on her first encounter with the ghosts could add some depth. Her having the conversation with her grandchild seemed out of context. Where were they? Outside by the lake? Was she in the house but by a window? A little more description of the moment might help crystalize the setting for their conversation. And maybe some back and forth with her grandchild could add a possibility of her senility, making the ending more impactful. Overall I enjoyed it. I let my imagination fill in some of my own questions. Thanks for posting.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jemahaffey
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 10:55pm on May 10, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
