I realize I already reviewed this, but I forgot to mark it "public" which means I won't get credit for my class. I am re-sending only to change it from private to public. The content is the same. Sorry for the inconvenience!
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Hi meeple! After reading "Shoes" , I offer you these comments:
First Impression: Rarely am I so strongly affected by reading someone's work. This piece has me in tears and my chest aches. Clever wording in the first line- amazing impact in the final line-exceptional and moving. Thank you for sharing this.
Suggestions: None. This is the only piece I have given a 5.0 rating to.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: All correct as far as I can see.
Joy4Rain
"I'm a Newbie in the Paper Doll Gang-Newbie Project!"
I know I already reviewed this for you. Unfortunately, I forgot to check it as a "public" review, so I can't get credit for it. I am sending it again only so I can repost it for class credit. The content has not changed from the first time you received it. Sorry for the inconvenience!
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First Impression: Very nostalgic! It made me smile, remembering those special moments in my own life where change was inevitable, fearsome and exciting all in one! I am a huge sucker for word pictures, and you did that beautifully with your creative descriptions. Nice!
Suggestions: This piece felt like it began very abruptly, leaving a feeling of having missed something in way of a prelude. Perhaps a sentence or two setting the scene? (example: "Excitement and laughter filled the air as we prepared to enjoy one last night of fun together.")
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: There are several changes of tense. In the same sentence it says "swaying" and "lulled". One or the other should be changed. Graph 1 is all in past tense. Graph 2 is a mixture and graph 3 is present tense. The entire piece should flow similarly rather than jumping back and forth. The last line is not a complete sentence, although would be an easy fix with a bit of tweaking.
These are just my observations and friendly opinions. I hope you will take this review in the positive spirit it was intended. After all, we are all working towards the same goal; becoming better writers!
Joy4Rain
"I'm a Newbie in the Paper Doll Gang-Newbie Project!"
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