After reading "Invalid Item" , I offer you these comments:
What a cute idea for a story. The warning at the end was precious. You do make Joe sound like the ideal guy:
“My dear Casey, I hardly remember my day. Your name was on my lips every moment, and all the thoughts you’d written to me these many months frolicked with my sanity. I couldn’t concentrate on anything -- except this meeting. Was it like that for you?”
Story Strengths:
You did a great job of building up your concern about this man.
Yet there was something strange about him which I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
The problem is it grew into a lot more than that...
there was something about him that set off all my warning bells.
Then you gave the reader pause to think things were okay.
That really was his name. He took a good picture, too.
Then the trepidation begins again:
I wasn’t sure that I wanted to go anywhere with Joe.
Here's where my radar went up:
and without a chance to argue, my order had been taken and delivered
You get my point.
I like the way you handled other issues, like the kiss:
After reading "Bed of Roses" , I offer you these comments:
Story Strengths: This is a very touching story. By repeating the description of the wife for the description of the little girl, and by repeating the thoughts for the wife in words to the little girl you made it seem real for me.
Suggestions: You could lengthen this by putting a story around it of life with the wife and life after the wife. However, it does stands alone quite well.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I remembered walking through the park with her; our fingers locked together just like this. A recent book I read about writing suggests that ; should not be used in fiction writing. Of course that's just one person's opinion.
“Love you.” As this is a new paragraph, I believe it should be indented.
“Where can I go beautiful? I believe this new paragraph should be indented too.
Thank you for sharing your work. I quite enjoyed it.
The thread of this story is very touching which is a good way to please readers. Many people are irrate with people who drink and drive.
Plus, you have taken the time to let the reader 'feel' the sensitivity of the trouper.
This is just one example: Through a clouded mind, with fear for the kid's lives, he heard them say, " out of three vehicles, we have two injured and five that didn't make it
Suggestions:
be the violator that caused it.
I'd like to see you change 'violator' to 'driver of the other vehicle' until you unveil how they came to the conclusion that the driver caused the accident, and how.
Your story is heavily salted with sentence fragments. Although it's good to use the odd one, I think you have over used them in this short story.
You've written the story as though it is a narrative. I think it would have even more appeal to the reader if you wrote it in First Person, as though the Trooper is going through the action at the time the reader is reading it.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
on it's top should be "on its top"
I prayed to God, to send us help and here you are."
You don't need a comma in this sentence.
Snap'! Crackle'! He jumps for the ditch, with a big boom'You don't need the three (') in this sentence.
the trooper one again leaves the scene to meet them there
should be 'once again'
wraping should be 'wrapping'
" When are people going listen, will they ever learn?"
Should be 'going to' listen.
becasue should be 'because'
theirself. perhaps 'himself'
Knowing that this had to be some of the family. He moved over to where they were sitting and sat down with them to discuss the accident.
Change the period to a comma because the first 10 words form a sentence fragment. Joined together, the words become a sentence.
Thank you for sharing your work. It's a very touching story.
Your dialogue is believable and helped draw me into the story. I can only imagine how it would feel to get that kind of gift for your birthday. She may have wondered if it was supposed to be an insult.
This phrase made me smile:
I flipped the card over searching for a Comedy Inc Copyright sign
This paints a good picture, too:
She looked hurt, which was sadder than normal because the outrageous smile she had on her face as she had handed me the card was still there – just melting slightly.
You've taken the time to let the reader know how likeable Sara is:
She had put a lot of thought into it, obviously – a six month stint in those unforgiving tights and being active was not something anyone would have given to me lightly. We had gone to the odd game on Saturdays when the big leagues came to town, but I didn’t even remember cheering for anyone – I wondered if I had even watched the game? Sara must have. I bet I’d made a passing comment that that beautiful woman had caught and placed in the filing cabinet memory of hers to index later under “weird birthday presents for Jilly”. God love her. She really was a thoughtful friend, and I was a rude, ungrateful friend. I had better tell her that some day!
Suggestions:
Perhaps if you defined the setting a bit more, the reader would feel even more a part of the story.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I could be just me, but I didn't understand this part:
I don’t think you’ve even seen me play bowls!
Thank you for sharing your work! Well done. Keep writing.
Story Strengths:
You have captured the innocence of little girls in your depiction of Losima.
I really like how you explain about Daddy wanting Mommy to pay for the petrol, funny.
Suggestions:
You may want to do some research on how to write dialogue in literature. I believe it should stand apart from the narration. Plus, you need to check on where to put commas and capital letters.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
mom and dad were'nt up yet.
should be (mom and dad weren't up yet.)
mom would'nt allow her
should be (mom wouldn't allow her)
She looked out the window then and it was a lovely sunny day again and she remembered how rainy it had been yesterday.
This is a run-on sentence.
I think it would be better broken up.
Ex.(When she looked out the window the sun was shining. Yesterday was rainy.)
NOTE: contractions need a (') in place of the letter dropped.
EX. would not = wouldn't
Hi! After reading "Invalid Item" , I offer you these comments:
The way your wrote the action, filling it with descriptive detail, I felt like I was taking the journey along with the lady at the crag.
Story Strengths:
Wonderful and poetic descriptions.
. . . the familiar scar on his cheek and sandy blonde hair.
She saw the fins of sharks, silently slumbering under the waves.
Gnarled fingers grabbed jutted slabs of stone . . .
Suggestions:
Perhaps a bit more backstory for clarity. I was a bit confused. Was it really her husband after he had morphed into the overweight guy? Or, was she with a suitor? She didn't even remember the man's name. Why did she just get up and walk out of the room, away from him, without any warning or dialogue?
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Spelling:
purr / not pur, magnanimous/ not magnaminous, my dictionary doesn't have the word syrens
Punctuation:
. . .before they collapsed(,) without breath, they'd swim . . .
I like this poll because, as a writer, I'm interested in the types of books people enjoy reading. I must say, I didn't expect Paranormal Romance to be at the top of the list, but I guess I shouldn't be that surprised. One just has to look at the trailers, our there, for this winter.
I like that you have "No nothing on this list" and "I have no opinion" since they are mutually exclusive choices and need to be separate.
I think "No nothing on this list" needs a little work, in the wording. If nothing else, put in a comma after the no.
Hi! After reading "The Cave" , I offer you these comments:
Story Strengths:
Your dialogue promotes the pacing of your story. Well done.
Suggestions:
In his book, "On Writing", Stephen King is adamant about NOT using adverbs. He calls this telling and suggests good writing shows rather than tells the story.
For instance you write: It looked as if someone put it there purposefully.
Perhaps try something like this: Eric wondered what the person who left it there was trying to accomplish.
Finally, I would like a bit more information to help me understand why Eric confronted the old man saying, “You said if I promised to be your friend I could go!" I know he saw the bones there, but I felt I needed more.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Your punctuation, spelling and grammar look good. Well done.
Thank you so much for this item. I've printed much of it as well as some of the links. I intend to keep it in my binder on "Narratives" which I have sectioned for Plot, Characters, etc. This will be a wonderful resource for future.
Thanks for this detailed and easy to follow guide on how to create a review tool. This is the kind of thing I really need, as a Newby. Very much appreciated.
I thought you did a good job of making the stormy situation seem real for me. I could almost feel the wind whirring around me and the pellets of ice hitting my face.
The dialogue also sounded real. I tried to put myself in the scene and asked would I say that. My answer was, I likely would.
On the critical side, let me share what I just learned at a writing workshop. Use strong verbs and nouns rather than adjectives and adverbs. For example, instead of he walked slowly put he ambled.
In some places you have observed this:
The wind seeped through the spaces . . .
Samantha struggled to stay upright . . .
Resulting in shivering and teeth chattering . . .
Perhaps you could look at some of the places where you used multiple adjectives and/or adverbs to see if you could re-write using strong nouns and verbs.
Also, the end seemed a bit abrupt to me.
There are a few tiny errors but I'm sure you will correct them on a re-write.
I really like your poem, even though I am an athiest. Great rhyming. Nice flow. I like the way you flip between Athiest and Christian POV throughout. Nicely done.
I must say, your argument is strongly slanted toward the Christian POV. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, I'm just pointing out that perhaps you aren't able to get inside the head of the Athiest to give the kind of argument he/she might give for her/his self. If it were a true debate, the Athiest side of the argument would be a long stronger than it appears here.
Still a very nice poem.
Thanks for sharing it with me.
I found 'Sally Johnson Goes to School' to be a sad but touching story. Sally's great loss gave her the determination to follow her grandfather's advice and overcome her fear.
I liked the way you impressed upon the reader the wrath of the protesters:
...Surly-looking men holding obscene signs that made her sick to her stomach.
...The Gentleman’s Country Club, were vowing to fight the school board, the city, the state, and so help them, even the United States Supreme Court if they had to. (Gentleman's Country Club...what an oxymoron!)
...one hand raised in an angry fist.
I also like the way you warn the reader of what is to come:
...And if the law won’t do it, then by golly, we’ll do it ourselves!
And how you 'show' rather than 'tell' of Sally's fear:
Suddenly, Sally saw herself being hit by rocks, taunted with insults, and catching spit in her face.
There are spots that are a bit awkward. I'd like to see if you could re-write those.
1....She wanted to go to the new school because they said that the school was the best in town, but she also knew that there were a lot of people who didn't want her to go.
For example: She wanted to go to the new school which she'd heard was the best in town, but . . .
2....As she gathered her books and notebooks on the dresser, she stopped and paused to pick up the picture on the dresser.
Perhaps: "from the dresser" and the second "on the dresser" could be dropped altogether.
3....Whether or not they would be convicted remained to be seen, but it was something.
I think you could expound on this to make your feelings more clear for the reader.
Finally, it might be a good idea to review your text for tense. It may be easier on the reader if you changed some of it to present tense. Even though you are referring to things that happened in the past, some experts say once you let the reader know you are referring to the past, you can switch over to present tense for ease of reading.
It seems as though your story was written from the heart. I found myself drawn in with feelings of great empathy for Sally and a sense of great injustice on the part of the protesters.
Bogie and Spence is a touching story of two very old and dear friends. I quite enjoyed your description of Bogie, especially the part that read: 'he had a youth in him that belied his age.' I also like the wording you used to illustrate Lauren's feelings for Bogie, 'idolatry', 'adoration', and 'loved him for him, every ounce of him, that wonderful old man.' Finally, I like the way you 'showed' that Bogie knew he would never see his friend, Spence, again. Bogie grabbed Spence's hand and told him, "Goodbye".
Of course, 'showing' is always better than 'telling'. That's why I think you could have improved part of your description of Bogie by 'showing' what it was he did to make 'everyone he was around feel ten years younger'. You told us, but I know it only by what you told. I couldn't see it for myself.
I suggest that you re-read your story with tense in mind. For example, below is my re-write of your second paragraph. I think it sounds better in present tense. The books I've read suggest that when you write about something from the past you introduce it with past tense in the initial sentence, then switch to present tense to make it easier for the reader.
Oh, could he drink. I never knew a man who could drink like him, except maybe John. John died a year ago from liver problems, unsurprisingly. Now Bogie suffers from the same thing. When we were younger and filming the African Queen the entire cast and crew, with the notable exception of Bogie and John, got dysentery from the water. They didn't get it because they never drank water.
Very touching. You set a sombre mood right from the beginning with phrases like these:
A haze had settled on my soul . . .
Sleep had long since abandoned me . . .
I was lost in a fog . . .
And yet, this wasn't just a mood your were setting. Indeed, you craftily set in hints at what was to come. It took me until the very end of the story to realize this.
I could relate to this comment:
Sometimes, I wonder if what I see when I think of her is not who she really was as if I have morphed her into an image of what she means to me . . . .
Interestingly, I believe that's what my mother did after losing her first husband. My siblings and I used to refer to it as the 'Steve' shrine. She had his picture, their wedding certificate (tear stained), etc. and every word she spoke of him made it seem he must have been a saint. That kind of love is what everyone wishes for.
One tiny error:
As I was about to ask her where . . .
Should be: I was about to ask her . . .
One other thing. Although your words do seem to flow on the paper, it might be a bit easier for the reader if you varied your sentence length. Most of your sentences have multiple phrases and/or are compound sentences. It takes great concentration to read each one to the end and keep the thoughts together. It would give the reader a bit of a break if you threw in a few more short sentences, to give it some balance.
You are one funny guy and I so enjoyed your story about the sound. I've heard that writing humor is difficult but you make it look so easy. In future I will welcome the opportunity to read your work.
I did so much laughing as I read the piece. I can't begin to point out all the funny partsbut these are few that I liked:
...I could get my head in along with my hand holding the flashlight.
...And on top of that, we had a peeping tom in the complex early this morning.... There are some sick people out there.
..."Good Golly Jesus, . . . you got robbed.
...I had no idea that flowing water could have such an impact so quickly.
...One every six hours. "Close enough."
...Then the fixture pulled out of the wall and down I went.
...lay off the booze
One tiny flaw...When you said...he had one of my high school glee club trophies in his hand...was holding them...
You have used two different tenses here.
Wonderful! I want to read the whole thing and I've never been a vampire fan!
You make the plot move naturally with the dialogue and action of your characters. Who, by the way, are terrific! They each have their own unique personality. And the way they speak is very "teenage". Well done!
Here are a few editing things:
1. Think you coulda... and Don't be fresh... It's a little confusing who said which statement. [Or it could just be me.]
2. I feel especially energized... (leave the word "also" off the end of this sentence.
Wow, you have some very interesting ideas in you story. However, I think you could make it more appealing to your readers by using dialogue, monologue and action. Right now it is completely narrative which becomes dull and tedius to a reader.
For example instead of this:
Unfortunately there are always lots of wars and fighting in Africa. One night the fighting came to Dora’s village. Soldiers rushed in and there was a lot of shooting. The soldiers shot many villagers, including Dora’s parents. Dora was very frightened and ran off alone into the jungle to hide.
You could write this:
Dora heard loud bangs from outside, she ran to the window and peered out. Dora cringed as she watched soldiers rushing about shooting at the villagers. She gasped and nearly fainted when she saw her father fall, blood gushing from a wound on his forehead. Then the shooter turned toward her mother. "Mommy, NO!" cried Dora. She couldn't believer her eyes. How could that awful soldier shoot her mother. She never did anything to him. Dora didn't understand why this was happening. Thrembling with fear, Dora ran toward the jungle.
So far, it's full of suspense. I like some of your choices which add to the suspense: "she felt the pinch of an injection", "she fought against the drug", "she finally gave in to the black cloud that began to surround her", "panic threatened to overwhelm her", and "still the demanding bitch as always".
I think you should eliminate the words, "she had been injected with", because we already know she has been injected. "he's or she's intentions" should say "his or her intentions".
Other than that, I think you're onto a great novel. Good luck with it!
Wow! Your writing is full of emotion. It left me feeling that the writing (is it you)isn't in a safe situation. All I wanted to do was say "Run, get out of there!" Very emotionally touching.
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