Hi Steven Michael Jester, This is a review for Tale of a Fated Winter's Day Giesi-P
Wow, what an undertaking this is. There is so much about this Prolouge that has impressed me . God, herself, as a woman, and besides being powerful, she doesn't seem to be very merciful.
Just that alone, has intriqued me. This proluge to your story, has grand potential, but there were also many mistakes and I was left with many questions.
First let me address some of the questions I had as I was reading. Many red flags waved me away from the flow of this prolouge be cause of all the phrases in Capital leters. When ever I saw one, and there were many, I felt like I was suppose to know their meaning and their significance.
What I'm alluding to is, perhaps, rather then put them in Caps, perhaps you can highlight them with italics If you are unsure how to do that just go to Site Navigations, left side, click on site tools and then on Writing ML tags, and then on "basic tags". This will give you intructions for italics.for all the Material Plane, Seven Seal, End of Day, A New Tired, Angel of Fate, Mortal Plane, The Tide, War-Bringer, White of the Servants, Fallen, Into the Darkness, Back from the Light, MultiVerse ect.
I understand the purpose of Capitalizing God, Her and anything that refers to Her as supreme a being, but all the others were a bit disconcerting.
"If the balance is disrupted the consequences could eradicate existence." (Some excellent word usage, by the way). Comma is needed after disrupted
"God creates the Multiverse and therefore is responsible to..." "God creates the Multiverse, and therefore, is responsible for maintaining the existance of his creation."
"...words of foreign tongue to you they may be but they are Into the Darkness and Back from the Light..."
"words of foreign tongue to you they may be, but
"his flowing hair set in broad contrast to his angular face.' I was a bit confused with this image.
"Hair the color of platinum, he strode evenly towards the alter." I love the flowing platinum hair, but it has little do do with toward (no s} the alter.
"Even if God, omnipotent and omniscient as she is, is bound by prophecy to act in this accord this means even She doesn't have the free will required to escape fate." There were a few issues with this sentence. I think its safe to assume, readers know God is omini...everything, so you could omit those words, and write: Even God is bound by prophecy, which means She doesn't have the free will to escape fate."
Sometimes keeping it simple is okay.
Ailana breathed a short sigh, "I hope then that what I saw comes to past in a good light." "Ailana breathed a short sigh. "I hope then, what I saw, comes to past in a good light."
"I would'nt be so quick to know seeing as though it concerns you." This sentence is a little unclear.
"Both men wore their hair shoulder length the angel taking his into a ponytail." This is actually two sentences. Period after length. Start a new sentence with The
"The bearded man and woman of devine both wore regal..." comma after devine."
"She drew from nowhere a sword..." nowhere, two words, comma after where
"Your thinking I was powerless against an angel of my design was what caused this turn." This doesn't sound like the speech of God. Try an active more commanding voice with stronger words.
"Jaisa sadistic glee." This creeped me out. God and sadistic, Yeow... but if that was your intent, its fine, just a thought to ponder.
As prolouges go...this is very long. However, I really liked much of this. Your language and the tone and excellent character development, though, I don't think we need so much in a prolouge. I get the feeling something wonderfully dreadful is about to happen. I am intrigued by all the phrases even though they interrupted the flow and challenged my intelligence ![Bigsmile *Bigsmile*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/bigsmile.png)
I am impressed with your knowledge and much of your word usage. I am really enthused by Rathiel, I like his character already, he is bold and wise and yet a bit too wise for his own good. This has excellent and grand potential. I will be reading the following chapters. ![Bigsmile *Bigsmile*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/bigsmile.png)
I hope this has been helpful.
Though there were a lot of mistakes, I'm giving it four *stars* because of its inventiveness, its intrique and its implications.
~write on and peace~ Kjo![Flower3 *Flower3*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/flower3.png) |
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